Recurring Problem

[mkgal1]

it’s that men don’t get that women need sex too,

No they don't.

Maybe they SHOULD, and maybe they are designed to; but this culture has so much abuse of girls and young women that many just turn it off and are fine with nothing ever.

Jeff's wife hasn't "turned it off" as he's already posted. He's just noticing a cycle (but that's different than what you're describing) that proves TW's claim to be true. It's honestly not helpful (and actually pretty discouraging) to post these things. Statements like this are basically suggesting: "this is what you get when you marry--because women are slaves to 'culture' and don't need sex". That doesn't resolve anything. It's also just like saying "get used to it, buddy....this is marriage".....which isn't true.

In biblical days....the culture treated women in general pretty horribly (and specifically, Samaritan women were treated even worse by Jews)....but one person (Jesus) demonstrated love and respect to the Samaritan woman at the well---and she responded positively. That's typically how most people are.....

 

[mkgal1]

Your comment to the other poster is exactly why I dismissed her. She cherry picked comments, many out of context, and was another of the "get over it" crowd. That horse has been dead awhile now. And it's not a reasonable response for any sane person.

You don't recognize that as an unfair snipe? You may want to re-read her posts (all of them here)....because she's not even coming close to inferring, "get over it". I think you misread Tall's post as well.

 

[OK Jeff]

I put her on ignore and am not interested in anything she's said. There are people here who're helping the situation. She isn't one of them. The comment to her was a snipe, it was intended to be an invitation to leave my topic. I do have a sponsor, I have been attending meetings for nearly seven years, sober for six. That's a long story that I'd rather not have been brought up in this topic thank you. This topic is something I'm dealing with my sponsor on in fact. I'm corresponding with and listening to those i feel are interested in helping.

 

[OK Jeff]

I am learning to keep my mouth shut until when she frustrates me. I can (usually) sit in a low boil for a while and return to the topic when emotions have settled back down. I'm not always successful, but it's spiritual progress, not perfection. No doubt that effects her willingness to talk to me, but ALL her problems did not start with me. These are problems we've had as long as we've known each other.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm not always successful, but it's spiritual progress, not perfection.

IMO....that's what matters.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

So I’m on ignore because I didn’t leave when told, yet still singled out for being sniping and insults, but behind the block button so my rebuttal actively muted out because he doesn’t want to hear it...

It’s like I don’t even have to defend my original posts. This is exactly what I said he’s doing when dealing with his wife while wondering why she’s closed off to him and feels she isn’t heard. The difference being me and my husband get a chuckle out of it, while he still wonders why things aren’t connecting as he’d like.

Just a reminder... An echo will always agree with you but never tell you anything new.

 

[OK Jeff]

One quirk she has that contributes to this cycle is her tendency to take on responsibilities that aren't hers. The conversation we had the other night made me understand how much it relates to this "problem". Example, we're on a week long vacation right now. We came with my parents (against my recommendation) and we brought her sister (also not my idea). She gets frustrated because neither her sister nor my mother will speak up about anything they want to do. To add, her sister complains....a lot. Neither of these facts are news to anyone. Now because she doesn't think everyone is having a good time, she isn't either. As a result neither am I. We had one evening alone which she spent complaining about them. Then we got back to out private room where she immediately told me how tired she was, put on her least revealing bed clothes, and went to bed. I don't know what to do. I didn't say anything, I didn't relay my disappointment. I kissed her good night and went to sleep.

 

[Endeavourer]

One quirk she has that contributes to this cycle is her tendency to take on responsibilities that aren't hers. The conversation we had the other night made me understand how much it relates to this "problem". Example, we're on a week long vacation right now. We came with my parents (against my recommendation) and we brought her sister (also not my idea). She gets frustrated because neither her sister nor my mother will speak up about anything they want to do. To add, her sister complains....a lot. Neither of these facts are news to anyone. Now because she doesn't think everyone is having a good time, she isn't either. As a result neither am I. We had one evening alone which she spent complaining about them. Then we got back to out private room where she immediately told me how tired she was, put on her least revealing bed clothes, and went to bed. I don't know what to do. I didn't say anything, I didn't relay my disappointment. I kissed her good night and went to sleep.

Oh boy.

This vacation hardly counts towards your alone time. It's a stressor to both of you and is not allowing you to focus on each other.

Women have a hard time compartmentalizing their mind off their troubles.

With those dynamics, I'd say "welcome to the rest of your vacation" unless you and she can get a day away from them on your own?

 

[OK Jeff]

It was her doing. Should I not take this personally? Is she not closing the proverbial door in my face? By my insistence, we had a night alone, as described above.

 

[Endeavourer]

It was her doing.

Agreeing to things reluctantly comes back to bite you when all the reasons you were reluctant play out.

Instead, only make decisions you are mutually enthusiastic about. Without the enthusiasm of both, the plan is vetoed and brainstorming for a different option that you're both enthusiastic about continues.

Here's why:
The Giver & Taker

Should I not take this personally? Is she not closing the proverbial door in my face?

No you should not. Don't do so unless she specifically told you to (remember discussion on disrespectful judgements above).

Otherwise, assume any idea you have about her reasons is wrong.

By my insistence, we had a night alone, as described above.

So she was a reluctant agree-er, and was not enthusiastic about missing whatever activities or family time/visiting she was missing.

You are both spoiling your vacation time with all of these reluctant agreements.

Instead, try this. My husband and I do this and we always negotiate with the other's taker. We refuse to accept acquiescence from the other's giver because it always comes back to bite us. When both of our takers are happy, none of the dynamics you are experiencing play out.

The Policy of Joint Agreement

It's not your way, her way or a compromise. There are 100's of other options for almost everything so you never need to compromise on anything. Keep brainstorming until you find a solution you're both enthusiastic about.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

It was her doing. Should I not take this personally? Is she not closing the proverbial door in my face? By my insistence, we had a night alone, as described above.

By not taking to her concerns seriously (referring to the issue she turned to you about as a “problem” in quotes, as if it’s not an actual proble), and then interpreting everything as a slight on you (implying the people on your vacation were invited on purpose to irk you) and hyper shifting blame on your wife (this vacation and the stress isnher doing), you are making this perfect storm of discontent for both of you.

Looking through, you are super critical of her. Vacation stress? Her fault. Family stress? Her fault. Won’t open up to you? Her fault. Sex life? Her fault. In one post, you blamed her for not having sex at the frequency and enthusiasm you wanted, then accused her of using you for sex. I mean... Whut?

Even this night where she opened up to you and you made such huge progress, you’re at risk of ruining it. Instead of celebrating the strides made, you said she won’t open up to you further, when she did you said you didn’t get why she hadn’t before that and it’s hard to get her to do, then topped it with a “we will see how long it lasts,” and you’ve only mentioned about 10 times that you didn’t have sex that night and that’s not what you wanted and sex still isn’t happening because she’s stressed out, but her stress is of her own doing, and you’re irritated that now it’s stressing you out.

I mean, I’m sorry, but not only are you so pessimistic you take a step forward as just future step back, but you give her no room to be anything but a disappointment to you. It’s flirting with not only you seem to expect her to fail at satisfying you, but you want her to fail so you can dive back into your pessimism and say “I told you all so.” I mean, seriously, you’re one post away from “her stress is stupid, let’s talk about how I don’t have sex as much as I want again, because 12 hours ago I listened to her complain so... Where’s the sex?”

And asking for a night alone, in my marriage, I’d have interpreted that as my husband heard what I said the night before/knew I was stressed and asked for alone time so I could decompress. Not a requested night alone because he was ready for sex. It seems very... Icky... To ask for a night alone with the ulterior motive of giving your wife the opportunity to have sex with you as opposed to cultivating a moment for it through how you two treat each other. Especially since you’re convinced she won’t take the bait (as wouldn’t a lot of women in similar circumstances), which means you’re not setting up a moment for intimacy, you’re setting up a moment for her to fail your expectations because you know she won’t be into sex, and you be miserable about it before filing it away in the ever growing “ways my wife doesn’t meet my needs” file. It’s self and spousal sabotage.

 

[OK Jeff]

The thing is, there were no activities going on. And since she wasn't planning one for everyone, she was frustrated with all of them for staying in that night. I told her they're adults, there's another car here. They can do as they please. But it's her responsibility to see to it everyone is having fun.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Ok... And? Nervousness that high maintenance people aren’t having fun on a vacation is pretty normal.

 

[Paidiske]

OK Jeff, did you and your wife do marriage preparation? And when you did, did you cover different family styles, yours and hers, and what you wanted to create together?

 

[OK Jeff]

OK Jeff, did you and your wife do marriage preparation? And when you did, did you cover different family styles, yours and hers, and what you wanted to create together?

Nada. We could write a book on how not to start a successful relationship. We weren't Christians for several years in the beginning.

 

[Paidiske]

That might actually be a conversation worth trying to have now. Looking at your family of origin's style and assumptions, and hers, and what role you each play/ed in that, and then how you might like your family to be different. Might be worth you doing some reading on family styles.

Just because it sounds like there's a conflict between different sets of expectations, and even just acknowledging that might go a long way to making progress with it.

 

[LinkH]

Pray for God to give her a greater sex drive and improve her attitude.

See if she will read a Christian book on marriage. Maybe you could read it together. Choose a book with a section that really sells the idea of meeting your spouse's needs. You could join some kind of marriage class that does the same thing. Watch some VLogger or public speaker on YouTube who drives the point home. Listen to a sermon on I Corinthians 7 on YouTube together. There are lots of things you can do. Maybe a Christian counselor could advise her to meet your needs. Screen the counselor first.

If your wife really realizes that she should be having sex with you more, meeting your needs when you have her and not just you meeting her needs when she has them, then maybe you can move forward. If she isn't easily 'in the mood', maybe if she changes her mindset, she'd be open to you putting her in the mood.

There are some things you can try. Women are different form men in regard to desire. And individuals are different. Dressing up nice and lighting candles might actually work. If you can talk her into wearing some lingerie, tha tmight work. She might be more interested if she feels beautiful ro sexy. But she has to be open to being interested in sex. She would have to agree to try on lingerie.

You could also try being a bit more assertive. Lots of touches during the day may help. Hug and kiss her when you come home. Come up behind her and kiss her neck. put your hands on her shoulders. Over time, get around to more intimate touches you wouldn't do in public, maybe pats on the behind or whatever. IF she gets irritated, stop and go back to less sexual types of affection. Give her genuine complements about her looks. When things have warmed up, Tell her what you want to do to her that night, or just make a little innuendo about it. Flirt and make it fun. See if you can get her to make out like a teenager from time to time.

If she acts disgusted or whatever, laugh it off and be playful about it, let her cool down a bit and go back to some less aggressive affection. Find out what kind of affection she wants. Maybe she'd like some kisses, hugs, etc., and you aren't preheating the oven for her. If she is starving for affection, giving her some might naturally lead to more sex. A woman might crave physical affection, and if you are shutting it down so you don't feel frustrated when you are rejected for A woman might not feel like going from zero to sex in 10 seconds.

Does she like to dance? You could take classes or learn some slow dance from a video on YouTube that involves a lot of body contact.

Having nothing to do with her unless she can't stand it and comes to you for sex doesn't seem to be a very good solution to her problem. Shutting down on her and being less interested in her, IMO, contributes toward a bad cycle of she rejects you, so you reject her, so she srejects you. Don't play by that game. If she rejects you, back off a bit, but keep pursuing, not just for sex per se, but in the rleationship. Back off a bit. See what she needs in terms of affection to fulfill her emotional needs and do that. That could potentially warm her up. If she changes her mindset on sex, that may help as well.

 

[OK Jeff]

She had a pretty significant breakthrough which has changed made significant improvements on this, and other aspects of our relationship. I’m not going into any detail but the root was abandonment issues which prevented her from being fully vested with me. The origin predated me, but my behavior in the early years of our relationship certainly didn’t help the situation.

 

[tall73]

She had a pretty significant breakthrough which has changed made significant improvements on this, and other aspects of our relationship. I’m not going into any detail but the root was abandonment issues which prevented her from being fully vested with me. The origin predated me, but my behavior in the early years of our relationship certainly didn’t help the situation.

Glad to hear that she is working through some of these issues.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Are you making any headway on your attempts at personal growth?