Recovering from an affair

[dodger1234]

Hi. I found out recently that my wife has had a couple of affairs. Since her confession and sincere repentance there has been a dramatic shift in her. But, the effect of the betrayal still hurts and the thought of what she has done still haunts me.

How long does it take to 'recover' from a spouse's unfaithfullness? What sort of recovery can be expected? Do things go back to normal? I am sure there a 1001 and things that affect this. I guess i am keen to hear what your experience has been.

Thanks.

 

[Svt4Him]

Who knows. Could take a month, could take years. There are some great resources available.

And I'm sorry to hear about that, I know it's a painful thing to go through.

 

[Jenna]

Hi dodger,

I haven't been in your shoes exactly, but I can understand hurting and uncertainty. I wish there was something that I could say to give you reassurance, but I'm short on words. All in all, through God, all things are possible, even repairing a wounded marriage. I'll be praying for y'alls healing. *hugs*

 

[bliz]

I can assure you, it will not take a month to recover. Years is a more likely time frame. That doesn't mean the next couple of years will be misery and pain, but there will be times of both as you heal and learn to retrust.

The wound you have experienced is deep and damaging and for awhile you will continue to be wounded when you realize some things and understand what happened in the past. This is a tough road, no two ways about it.

Things cannot go back to "normal". But they can become better than they ever were! I have seen it in many marriages! Through healing and God's blessing, the two of you can be in love again like you were when you married only this time with a far better understanding of what that means.

You need some counseling or help working through your end of things. An accountability group, pastor, therapist... someone beyond yourself who can listen to the hurts and provide wise counsel. The two of you could probably beniefit from some joint counseling. YOu cannot build a new marriage on a pile of rubble from the old one. Together you need to deal with the damage and put it away or it will be hanging over both of you for the rest of your lives.

The best thing you have going for you right now is that you want this marriage restored. Lean on Jesus - He knows all about betrayal.

 

[dodger1234]

Thanks for your replies so far. I appreciate your time. I would love to get in contact with some one who has been through an affair (maybe years ago) and has now come out the other side successfully. We are doing all the things Bliz mentioned. But none of those people who are helping us have been through an affair - which is probably a good thing I guess. But it would be nice to talk with someone who has been through this.

Thanks again.

 

[Svt4Him]

You are talking to someone who has lived through this and come out better than before.

 

[dodger1234]

You are talking to someone who has lived through this and come out better than before.

Are you still married to that spouse?

 

[Svt4Him]

Yes. And it took two years and two months.

 

[desi]

Hi. I found out recently that my wife has had a couple of affairs. Since her confession and sincere repentance there has been a dramatic shift in her. But, the effect of the betrayal still hurts and the thought of what she has done still haunts me.

How long does it take to 'recover' from a spouse's unfaithfullness? What sort of recovery can be expected? Do things go back to normal? I am sure there a 1001 and things that affect this. I guess i am keen to hear what your experience has been.

Thanks.

Women tend to forgive better than guys. How normal things return to depends on you and her.

 

[Christ Aficionado]

Can you explain this "dramatic shift in her" a little bit more? And how long it has been since she confessed?

 

[Blessed&Forgiven]

Hi Dodger,

From my experiences, I would say: (assuming that both of you do want to make it work again and not just one of you)
1. It takes two to rebuild the wrecked ship, meaning both of you need to try hard and pray hard to love each other and build the trust again.
2. Because it was your wife's actions, you need to guide her and tell her openly about how you feel about it everytime you think about it and tell her that you need a reassurance from her that she loves you and will never hurt you like that again. Be honest about it and give her the chance to shower you with her love. Only love can heal a broken heart
3. Do more special things together to forget about the bitter experience such as romantic weekend getaway/dinner. The more activities that you do together will keep your mind away from the pain
4. Do not force yourself or her to make love when one of you isn't ready. It takes time to be able to open yourself again, just take one step at a time, and tell her honestly if you're not ready for it yet. Communication is the key of understanding
5. As for you, you need to pray to God to specially give you His strength and love to completely forgive your wife and forget the past as the Father forgive and forget all your sins. Also, maybe you guys need to discuss and talk about it (don't pretend like it never happened, it won't work believe me), what might caused it and then pray together to God that he will recover and revive your relationship
6. There're always consequences of sins, but as Jesus said about love in 1 Kor 13, claim Him as well that He will give you the patience to endure and His love to mend your broken heart

If you ask how long will it be before you can completely forget about it, I would say probably never as this kind of thing will always stay in the memory and it will always make us feel vulnerable, but if you love God and love your wife and feel assured that He loves you too, the time will come when you will just smile about it and think :Oh, God has forgiven her about this and so do I, and it won't hurt you anymore. Hope this will help you. GBU

You can do all things thru God who strengthens you
and God will make everything beautiful in its time

 

[HeatherJay]

Someone here, as well, who's been through it and come out on the other side. It's taken a couple of years and more tears and arguments and midnight-to-4AM talks than I can count...but, honestly, our relationship is more beautiful and we love each other more today than we ever did before 'the situation'. It's hard, and your heart will probably break a million times before it's over, but just know that God can and will heal what's been broken and make it stronger if you just let Him.

We never went to counseling, though we probably should have. Truly, it's only by the grace of God that our marriage survived. But I'm so thankful that neither of us threw in the towel...even though we both thought about it at one time or another.

It's something that your wife confessed to you with a repentent heart. She sounds as though she sincerely wants to make things right. Everytime you're in doubt, just say a prayer. Pray that your wife be freed from the temptation or weakness that caused her to sin, and also pray that God would open your heart to your wife and give you the strength and the peace to forgive her. You have to forgive her for there to ever be a chance. You might never forget it completely, but if you truly and sincerely forgive her, then there WILL be a time when it doesn't hurt you to think about it.

Honestly, when I look back on it now, my husband and I both were completely different people. Looking back is almost like watching a story about another couple. Neither of us will forget it, but we've moved way past it.

BTW, we've been married a little over 7 years...this happened around the 3rd or 4th year, I guess.

Welcome to CF.

 

[neelie 87]

Hi. I found out recently that my wife has had a couple of affairs. Since her confession and sincere repentance there has been a dramatic shift in her. But, the effect of the betrayal still hurts and the thought of what she has done still haunts me.

How long does it take to 'recover' from a spouse's unfaithfullness? What sort of recovery can be expected? Do things go back to normal? I am sure there a 1001 and things that affect this. I guess i am keen to hear what your experience has been.

Thanks.

We are not given more then we are able to handle, I have been there (spouse cheated on me) it will soon be a year. Although I would never give credit to the affair for making our relationship better it was the trying and never giving up that makes it work. My way of looking at this is... You are dealt cards you have to deal the hand you were dealt, if it is meant to be, then life after the affair can be the most beautiful thing ever. I am not sure if the person your wife had the affair with was with someone you knew but that is also hard to deal with. If you choose to work with it, it will better you and you alone if it betters you both, you are truly blessed.

 

[dodger1234]

Can you explain this "dramatic shift in her" a little bit more? And how long it has been since she confessed?

Sure. The dramatic shift has been all positive. Before she confessed she had become just 'polite' to live with - not affectionate or interested much in me at all. But since she decided to tell me the truth she has been trying her hardest to be trully loving - especially trying to love me the way i need it. She has been affectionate and thoughtful and all the things you would expect and hope from a loving wife. That has now continued for a few months which has been great.

It was the begining of May 04 when she told me what had happened.

 

[dodger1234]

Hi Dodger,

From my experiences, I would say: (assuming that both of you do want to make it work again and not just one of you)
1. It takes two to rebuild the wrecked ship, meaning both of you need to try hard and pray hard to love each other and build the trust again.
2. Because it was your wife's actions, you need to guide her and tell her openly about how you feel about it everytime you think about it and tell her that you need a reassurance from her that she loves you and will never hurt you like that again. Be honest about it and give her the chance to shower you with her love. Only love can heal a broken heart
3. Do more special things together to forget about the bitter experience such as romantic weekend getaway/dinner. The more activities that you do together will keep your mind away from the pain
4. Do not force yourself or her to make love when one of you isn't ready. It takes time to be able to open yourself again, just take one step at a time, and tell her honestly if you're not ready for it yet. Communication is the key of understanding
5. As for you, you need to pray to God to specially give you His strength and love to completely forgive your wife and forget the past as the Father forgive and forget all your sins. Also, maybe you guys need to discuss and talk about it (don't pretend like it never happened, it won't work believe me), what might caused it and then pray together to God that he will recover and revive your relationship
6. There're always consequences of sins, but as Jesus said about love in 1 Kor 13, claim Him as well that He will give you the patience to endure and His love to mend your broken heart

If you ask how long will it be before you can completely forget about it, I would say probably never as this kind of thing will always stay in the memory and it will always make us feel vulnerable, but if you love God and love your wife and feel assured that He loves you too, the time will come when you will just smile about it and think :Oh, God has forgiven her about this and so do I, and it won't hurt you anymore. Hope this will help you. GBU

You can do all things thru God who strengthens you
and God will make everything beautiful in its time

Hi Blessed&Forgiven

Thanks for your response. Many of your suggestions we are doing so it is good to know we are on the right track. Forgiveness has been 'interesting'. I want to forgive, and have to forgive and do forgive her but i find myself not always living that out. It's like my heart forgives her completely but my head and emotions often lapse and mull over and get affected by what has happened. Oh, how i would like to 'forget'. We are getting counselling and are talking things through a bit so a think we are heading in the right direction.

I like what you said "the time will come when you will just smile about it and think :Oh, God has forgiven her about this and so do I, and it won't hurt you anymore". In your experience, how long has this taken?

 

[dodger1234]

Someone here, as well, who's been through it and come out on the other side. It's taken a couple of years and more tears and arguments and midnight-to-4AM talks than I can count...but, honestly, our relationship is more beautiful and we love each other more today than we ever did before 'the situation'. It's hard, and your heart will probably break a million times before it's over, but just know that God can and will heal what's been broken and make it stronger if you just let Him.

We never went to counseling, though we probably should have. Truly, it's only by the grace of God that our marriage survived. But I'm so thankful that neither of us threw in the towel...even though we both thought about it at one time or another.

It's something that your wife confessed to you with a repentent heart. She sounds as though she sincerely wants to make things right. Everytime you're in doubt, just say a prayer. Pray that your wife be freed from the temptation or weakness that caused her to sin, and also pray that God would open your heart to your wife and give you the strength and the peace to forgive her. You have to forgive her for there to ever be a chance. You might never forget it completely, but if you truly and sincerely forgive her, then there WILL be a time when it doesn't hurt you to think about it.

Honestly, when I look back on it now, my husband and I both were completely different people. Looking back is almost like watching a story about another couple. Neither of us will forget it, but we've moved way past it.

BTW, we've been married a little over 7 years...this happened around the 3rd or 4th year, I guess.

Welcome to CF.

Hi heatherJay

Thanks for this. She is sincere and does want to make it right. And what you have said is very encouraging. And there have been an awful lot of tears. And your comment about looking back on "another couple" is lovely. It already feels like i am looking at another couple so perhaps we are well on our way. And your time frame is similar to hours - i just found out a bit later. Thanks again

 

[dodger1234]

We are not given more then we are able to handle, I have been there (spouse cheated on me) it will soon be a year. Although I would never give credit to the affair for making our relationship better it was the trying and never giving up that makes it work. My way of looking at this is... You are dealt cards you have to deal the hand you were dealt, if it is meant to be, then life after the affair can be the most beautiful thing ever. I am not sure if the person your wife had the affair with was with someone you knew but that is also hard to deal with. If you choose to work with it, it will better you and you alone if it betters you both, you are truly blessed.

Hi neelie

Your words are very encouraging. i like how you described that the relationship was made better. Thanks again

 

[dodger1234]

Hi dodger,

I haven't been in your shoes exactly, but I can understand hurting and uncertainty. I wish there was something that I could say to give you reassurance, but I'm short on words. All in all, through God, all things are possible, even repairing a wounded marriage. I'll be praying for y'alls healing. *hugs*

Thanks Jenna. I do appreciate it!

 

[NoneyaBiznezz]

Welcome to CF neelie, thanks for sharing!!

 

[Svt4Him]

Here are some things I'd suggest.

1. Think if you want to stay. You have the option of leaving your wife. If you choose not to, I'd ask why, so you know and can look back on it. And if you decide to stay, you then owe your wife nothing, and your wife owes you nothing. There will be a tendancy to remind her of how you did her a favour by taking her back, but that's a lie. And once you do, do it 100%. Once this decision is made, you can not go back on it, otherwise in the back of your mind you will always think you have a way out, and satan will have a foothold in your life because of it.
2. Realize forgiveness isn't an option, it's a command, and it's a process. There will be days you don't want to touch your wife, that's normal. But they will become further and further apart as time goes on.
3. Can you see yourself with your wife 20 years from now, and who do you see crying at your funeral?
4. If you disagree theologically, no worries, but when someone has sex with another, they become one body, soul and spirit. I personally believe deliverance is needed to deal with some of the spiritual aspects of that.
5. Address why it happened in the first place. It's nice to feel bad, but there was a reason it happened, and that needs to be fixed.

In my case, I had an affair six months after my wife did, then again a year and a half later. It almost killed us, and this was only a little over a year ago. If I had to do it again, I would drive into a lake, and I'm not kidding. My wife was going to take the car and drive into a cement wall, and I gave her the keys. It was a horrible thing to go through. You rip a piece of paper in half, you can glue it together, but you will always see the damage. So I can say we are doing much better than before, and I thank God for it. But I'd never want to do it again, and I'd hope people would change before they went through all of this.