I’ve been questioning if I have been really born again at all lately. When I converted my freshman year and had genuine positive change / fruit / felt connected to God in my life, I still justified and defended homosexuality (saying it wasn’t a sin, but there was mistranslation issues) without any conviction. I did the same with watching horror movies, reading creepy stories, listening to some bad music, reading Harry Potter...well, there was some, but I denied and ignored it. I continued on like this for two years until now…would a true believer really do that?
What if I was saved for a really short time but then my name was quickly blotted out of the book of life? When I first stumbled upon the Romans verses that condemn homosexuality, I was shook because I didn’t know they were in there, and I was flat out angry at God. I felt like I felt hatred towards Him.
I backslid so bad my sophomore year, too. Not just sexual sin, but idolatry too. (Will elaborate more if needed). I repented of this backsliding but I keep questioning if it was truly sincere because I’m struggling to feel bad or convicted about anything I do. I think I have mental assent…I feel like my faith is merely a mind thing and no longer a heart thing anymore. I think I lost my faith/salvation because of the blatant sin I was living in for a while without true repentance until (I hope) recently.
I also feel like I’ve been becoming too spiritually apathetic/neutral and hard-hearted lately.
I feel hopeless. “It’s so unlikely you’ll end up saved anyway, so why even try?” I already feel like it’s too late for me, that faith has left my heart, that I’ve lost my relationship with God. And I feel like I don’t care enough about it. I keep seeing 6 appear three times in a row and I’m scared it means there are demonic omens following me.
What if I’m not elect, not one of God’s chosen people? What if that’s why I’m getting no results from all this striving?
I also fear I may have blasphemed the holy spirit (unpardonable sin) when I was younger, I was very angry at God, full of hate, and I think at one point I told Him I wanted nothing to do with Him or at least thought it in my heart.
I know fear and doubt are sins…I don’t know how to get out of this. I feel like I’ve lost all my faith, all my trust, all my belief that He loves me…and that I can’t ever restore that now. I'm still trying to seek God daily but it feels so dry now, and that discourages me from trying to seek real spiritual change because I feel like nothing WILL change. I feel like I’m going to die forever and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t feel better no matter what.
All this confusion might be as a result of sin and unbelief in your heart.
PLEASE READ WITH ALL YOUR HEART WHEN YOU HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO REFLECT
Hello, i will advice you to hear the sermons of Leonard Ravenhill on "repentance", "the bride prepared" and other sermons. We can have the "wish" and "will" to stop sinning but unless we make a conscious and firm decision to die to our sins in the death of Jesus Christ and live in His resurrection power (that is, believing that He did not only die but resurrected) we might end up living our lives with an unaccomplished "will" to "stop sinning". For this we need to
1. Acknowledge that there are sins in our lives.
2. Know (list) them and decide what we want to do about them.
3. Do we really want to get rid of these?
This is the point where we realise if we are "willing whatever cost it makes" to live a life of repentance.
4. Always pray and seek God vehemently to help us live a life which pleases Him (to glorify Him) and to stop sinning.
5. While doing the above start replacing bad habits with good habits.
Christian life requires discipline in all things (praying, sleeping, working, eating, etc) and self-denial.
If you live with the purpose of following Christ, you will suddenly see that other things are no distraction to you anymore since you are disciplined and have an aim at hand. If you set your mind on Christ and on the things that are above and discipline yourself and crucify your flesh [put your fleshly desires (gluttony, love of materials, sexual immorality) under subordination], you will also see that this is the battle in the Christian life (because the flesh and the spirit fight against teach other) and you will be more focused on Christ.
The flesh and the spirit fight against each other because our spirit wants to follow Christ but our flesh (old man) refuses to die with Jesus on the cross and therefore how can the new man come if the old has not died?
Jesus gave the parable in Luke 5:36-39 kjv
36 And he spake also a parable unto them; No man putteth a piece of a new garment upon an old; if otherwise, then both the new maketh a rent, and the piece that was taken out of the new agreeth not with the old.
37 And no man putteth new wine into old bottles; else the new wine will burst the bottles, and be spilled, and the bottles shall perish.
38 But new wine must be put into new bottles; and both are preserved.
39 No man also having drunk old wine straightway desireth new: for he saith, The old is better.
This is the reason why you find it difficult to stop sinning. You are used to your old lifestyle or sinful nature (vs. 39).
No matter what many people tell you, it is still YOUR DECISION to renounce your old nature and follow Christ.
Even Jesus himself said REPENT. No one can be forced to, but all must make a choice.
Joshua said to the unrepenting Israelites (in the book of Joshua 24:15 kjv) who followed other gods just like we follow the world, its ways and its sins:
15 And if it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
So what is your decision?
You can have all the WILL and WISHES in the world but unless you make a decision and stand firm, repentance will be difficult.
Stay blessed, think and pray about it.
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