I’ve been questioning if I have been really born again at all lately. When I converted my freshman year and had genuine positive change / fruit / felt connected to God in my life, I still justified and defended homosexuality (saying it wasn’t a sin, but there was mistranslation issues) without any conviction. I did the same with watching horror movies, reading creepy stories, listening to some bad music, reading Harry Potter...well, there was some, but I denied and ignored it. I continued on like this for two years until now…would a true believer really do that?
What if I was saved for a really short time but then my name was quickly blotted out of the book of life? When I first stumbled upon the Romans verses that condemn homosexuality, I was shook because I didn’t know they were in there, and I was flat out angry at God. I felt like I felt hatred towards Him.
I backslid so bad my sophomore year, too. Not just sexual sin, but idolatry too. (Will elaborate more if needed). I repented of this backsliding but I keep questioning if it was truly sincere because I’m struggling to feel bad or convicted about anything I do. I think I have mental assent…I feel like my faith is merely a mind thing and no longer a heart thing anymore. I think I lost my faith/salvation because of the blatant sin I was living in for a while without true repentance until (I hope) recently.
I also feel like I’ve been becoming too spiritually apathetic/neutral and hard-hearted lately.
I feel hopeless. “It’s so unlikely you’ll end up saved anyway, so why even try?” I already feel like it’s too late for me, that faith has left my heart, that I’ve lost my relationship with God. And I feel like I don’t care enough about it. I keep seeing 6 appear three times in a row and I’m scared it means there are demonic omens following me.
What if I’m not elect, not one of God’s chosen people? What if that’s why I’m getting no results from all this striving?
I also fear I may have blasphemed the holy spirit (unpardonable sin) when I was younger, I was very angry at God, full of hate, and I think at one point I told Him I wanted nothing to do with Him or at least thought it in my heart.
I know fear and doubt are sins…I don’t know how to get out of this. I feel like I’ve lost all my faith, all my trust, all my belief that He loves me…and that I can’t ever restore that now. I'm still trying to seek God daily but it feels so dry now, and that discourages me from trying to seek real spiritual change because I feel like nothing WILL change. I feel like I’m going to die forever and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t feel better no matter what.
What if I was saved for a really short time but then my name was quickly blotted out of the book of life? When I first stumbled upon the Romans verses that condemn homosexuality, I was shook because I didn’t know they were in there, and I was flat out angry at God. I felt like I felt hatred towards Him.
I backslid so bad my sophomore year, too. Not just sexual sin, but idolatry too. (Will elaborate more if needed). I repented of this backsliding but I keep questioning if it was truly sincere because I’m struggling to feel bad or convicted about anything I do. I think I have mental assent…I feel like my faith is merely a mind thing and no longer a heart thing anymore. I think I lost my faith/salvation because of the blatant sin I was living in for a while without true repentance until (I hope) recently.
I also feel like I’ve been becoming too spiritually apathetic/neutral and hard-hearted lately.
I feel hopeless. “It’s so unlikely you’ll end up saved anyway, so why even try?” I already feel like it’s too late for me, that faith has left my heart, that I’ve lost my relationship with God. And I feel like I don’t care enough about it. I keep seeing 6 appear three times in a row and I’m scared it means there are demonic omens following me.
What if I’m not elect, not one of God’s chosen people? What if that’s why I’m getting no results from all this striving?
I also fear I may have blasphemed the holy spirit (unpardonable sin) when I was younger, I was very angry at God, full of hate, and I think at one point I told Him I wanted nothing to do with Him or at least thought it in my heart.
I know fear and doubt are sins…I don’t know how to get out of this. I feel like I’ve lost all my faith, all my trust, all my belief that He loves me…and that I can’t ever restore that now. I'm still trying to seek God daily but it feels so dry now, and that discourages me from trying to seek real spiritual change because I feel like nothing WILL change. I feel like I’m going to die forever and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t feel better no matter what.