polyamory?

[Ben Borg Again]

I have recently discovered my bi-sexual wife wants to pursue a polyamor relationship, Which is basically a live-in long term closed commited relationship between 3 people ( 2 women & 1 guy) which includes sexual relationship between all three partners. and sharing parenting and financial responsibilities. As compared to polygamy which the wives are not nessesaraly bi-sexual.

What do you think? Any expereinces with this? positive? negative?
It is completely new territory for me, My wife and I married 10 years, friends for 15, have stayed monogamous and are absolutly commited best friends

What if your son, daughter,coworker, neighbor was involved in such a relationship, what would be your reaction and how would it affect your relationships with them?

This is a great paper on the subject listing what phycology knows about the subject, the pros and cons, mental issues and so forth....
" WHat Phycology proffessionals should know about Polyamory."



http://www.polyamory.org/~joe/polypaper.htm

 

[hernyaccent]

Do you think it will work for you? I know quite a few people with multiple lovers and partners living in the same home sharing responsibilities. I personally wouldnt mine anyone in my life having this type of relationship.

 

[Ben Borg Again]

Do you think it will work for you? I know quite a few people with multiple lovers and partners living in the same home sharing responsibilities. I personally wouldnt mine anyone in my life having this type of relationship.

I dont know.I would like to think my wife and I are emotionaly secure and mature enough to handle a group dynamic/relationship. But who knows if unforeseen issues would arise?
SO I have no clue if it would work or not. I have no examples or friends in my life to compare. I am at a complete loss.

 

[HouseApe]

Upside: Wife approving of sex with another gal.

Downside: 2 women constantly wanting to remind you about taking out the trash.

I think it would be great if you're under 35. Over that, the whining probably outweighs the sex.

 

[Ben Borg Again]

I dont really want this thread to regress into sex.
Or it will be shut down. This is a serious topic and involves more than just sex.
I am talking about serious commited relationships based upon things other than sex.
we can leave the sex issue alone.

 

[hernyaccent]

I dont know.I would like to think my wife and I are emotionaly secure and mature enough to handle a group dynamic/relationship. But who knows if unforeseen issues would arise?
SO I have no clue if it would work or not. I have no examples or friends in my life to compare. I am at a complete loss.

I think the person that is brought into the relationship has to be evaluate. Time has to be taken to get to know,talk and arrange what exactly what will be happening in the situation.

 

[Ledifni]

I have recently discovered my bi-sexual wife wants to pursue a polyamor relationship, Which is basically a live-in long term closed commited relationship between 3 people ( 2 women & 1 guy) which includes sexual relationship between all three partners. and sharing parenting and financial responsibilities. As compared to polygamy which the wives are not nessesaraly bi-sexual.

What do you think? Any expereinces with this? positive? negative?
It is completely new territory for me, My wife and I married 10 years, friends for 15, have stayed monogamous and are absolutly commited best friends

What if your son, daughter,coworker, neighbor was involved in such a relationship, what would be your reaction and how would it affect your relationships with them?

This is a great paper on the subject listing what phycology knows about the subject, the pros and cons, mental issues and so forth....
" WHat Phycology proffessionals should know about Polyamory."



http://www.polyamory.org/~joe/polypaper.htm

I think polyamory is a personal choice and depends on your comfort zone. Cheating, in my opinion, has nothing to do with sex; it has to do with breaking trust. Thus, if you are comfortable with this relationship and so is your wife, there should be no problem.

I once knew a man whose relationship with his wife was polyamorous. They each had "kissing friends" with whom they pursued sexual relationships; at times they shared, at other times they had sexual experiences apart from one another. Their relationship was quite happy and successful, and though I am no longer in contact with them, last I saw they were growing very old and very happy together -- and they were still friends and sometimes sexual partners with many of their past partners.

Do keep in mind, though, that if you invite another person into your relationship, you must both be committed to making the relationship work and take each others' feelings into account. For example, what happens if there are problems with the third person? Who has the right to "break up" and how will they do it? These are things you'll need to consider so you can avoid any rocky issues in the relationship.

 

[sanaa]

what will be the position of the 2nd woman in ur life ? is she going to be like a 2nd wife or just a sex partner or just ur wifes gf ? what if ur wife wants to pursue a relationship with a girl u dont like ? do u have kids or are u planning to have kids ? if u are , are u comfortable enforcing such a situation on them ?
i think its very complicated and u should think long and hard before agreeing to anything . i would advise against it but it comes down to what YOU want , u have to shape ur own life

 

[Spinrad]

I can't see it lasting, myself. The three person dynamic will eventually rear it's ugly head. I think that's human nature. I have found almost without exception that two people can hammer out nearly any problem because they are forced to deal with one other person and concentrate on that. No one has the upper hand. But a third person involved intimately with you two in every decision in life will introduce a weighted problem solving dynamic. One person will end up with an ally and potential bullying partner and the other will have to battle against two people reinforcing each other, possibly against logic and reason. The amount of psychic energy this would demand, I believe, would cause far more strife than a relationship could handle. Even if every tried their hardest, human nature will be what it is.

 

[Ledifni]

Upside: Wife approving of sex with another gal.

Downside: 2 women constantly wanting to remind you about taking out the trash.

I think it would be great if you're under 35. Over that, the whining probably outweighs the sex.

But I would assume there's more to it than that. Even if you're under 35, for a relationship like this to work in the long term, it can't just be about sex. It would have to be about love in sex -- love for all partners. Otherwise, why not just find random people to sleep with?

 

[Ledifni]

I can't see it lasting, myself. The three person dynamic will eventually rear it's ugly head. I think that's human nature. I have found almost without exception that two people can hammer out nearly any problem because they are forced to deal with one other person and concentrate on that. No one has the upper hand. But a third person involved intimately with you two in every decision in life will introduce a weighted problem solving dynamic. One person will end up with an ally and potential bullying partner and the other will have to battle against two people reinforcing each other, possibly against logic and reason. The amount of psychic energy this would demand, I believe, would cause far more strife than a relationship could handle. Even if every tried their hardest, human nature will be what it is.

I would agree with you if they take the approach that they all like each other and can work things out as they come up. That would probably not work in the long term for a multiple-partner relationship.

However, what's to stop them from working out a structure of the relationship, mutually acceptable ways to deal with problems as they arise? That is what I would expect to do if I were in a polyamorous relationship. If it is not possible to work out such a system with the three people involved, then those three people are quite simply not suited to be in a relationship together, and the relationship shouldn't even begin.

 

[Zaac]

I have recently discovered my bi-sexual wife wants to pursue a polyamor relationship, Which is basically a live-in long term closed commited relationship between 3 people ( 2 women & 1 guy) which includes sexual relationship between all three partners. and sharing parenting and financial responsibilities. As compared to polygamy which the wives are not nessesaraly bi-sexual.

What do you think? Any expereinces with this? positive? negative?
It is completely new territory for me, My wife and I married 10 years, friends for 15, have stayed monogamous and are absolutly commited best friends

What if your son, daughter,coworker, neighbor was involved in such a relationship, what would be your reaction and how would it affect your relationships with them?

This is a great paper on the subject listing what phycology knows about the subject, the pros and cons, mental issues and so forth....
" WHat Phycology proffessionals should know about Polyamory."



http://www.polyamory.org/~joe/polypaper.htm

No, No, and No.













Oh. Did I say NO yet?

Your marriage is supposed to be a covenant between you, your wife and Jesus Christ. Allowing a third person into the realtionship is ADULTERY.

 

[Ledifni]

No, No, and No.













Oh. Did I say NO yet?

Your marriage is supposed to be a covenant between you, your wife and Jesus Christ. Allowing a third person into the realtionship is ADULTERY.

Zaac, I would bet my life that he's not interested in your style of "advice." The OP asked if it would work and why -- not whether Jesus Christ said don't do it.

 

[HouseApe]

I dont really want this thread to regress into sex.
Or it will be shut down. This is a serious topic and involves more than just sex.
I am talking about serious commited relationships based upon things other than sex.
we can leave the sex issue alone.

I apologize for being flippant, but the sex and love issues are the only important issues, otherwise you're just roomies.

It seems to me that the worst case scenario here is that this woman decides she doesn't want you in her and your wife's life, and convinces your wife she is better off without you.

Now that may be a very remote possibility, but is a risk. If I had young children, it wouldn't be a risk I would be willing to accept, regardless of its remoteness. If I didn't, I might be willing to assume the risk based upon the added value a second "wife" might bring.

 

[Spinrad]

I would agree with you if they take the approach that they all like each other and can work things out as they come up. That would probably not work in the long term for a multiple-partner relationship.

However, what's to stop them from working out a structure of the relationship, mutually acceptable ways to deal with problems as they arise? That is what I would expect to do if I were in a polyamorous relationship. If it is not possible to work out such a system with the three people involved, then those three people are quite simply not suited to be in a relationship together, and the relationship shouldn't even begin.

I just think that an intimate relationship always breaks down - even mine, and when it does a two-to-one dogfight would be much harder to deal with than a one on one.

 

[Zaac]

Zaac, I would bet my life that he's not interested in your style of "advice." The OP asked if it would work and why -- not whether Jesus Christ said don't do it.

For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. 4They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. 5But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. 2 Timothy 4:3-5

Ledifni, amazingly enough, God's Truth is not given based upon someone's interest in receiving it.

 

[Spinrad]

Saw that coming.

 

[Ledifni]

I just think that an intimate relationship always breaks down - even mine, and when it does a two-to-one dogfight would be much harder to deal with than a one on one.

Oh, I agree that intimate relationships are unstable and tend to break down. In my opinion, the "together forever" idea is a myth. You're together until you break up -- and for some people, that doesn't happen before they die. Nevertheless, with some work a relationship can be made fairly stable, and I think a multiple-partner relationship can also be made stable -- you just have to realize that it's not the same thing as a couple and won't be the same experience.

 

[Spinrad]

Oh, I agree that intimate relationships are unstable and tend to break down. In my opinion, the "together forever" idea is a myth. You're together until you break up -- and for some people, that doesn't happen before they die. Nevertheless, with some work a relationship can be made fairly stable, and I think a multiple-partner relationship can also be made stable -- you just have to realize that it's not the same thing as a couple and won't be the same experience.

I would have to ask, as others have, why bother, then? The special things you get with a two person relationship are really only possible because the risk of breaking down is present. Human personality differences make this a fact of life. Trying to regulate a relationship enough to prevent a combative situation would also rob the passion and sponteneaity, I think. Might as well hire a nanny with benifits.

 

[Ledifni]

For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. 4They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. 5But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. 2 Timothy 4:3-5

Ledifni, amazingly enough, God's Truth is not given based upon someone's interest in receiving it.

No, I know. God's Truth and the delivery thereof is based at all times on Zaac's wisdom.