polyamory?

[Ledifni]

I would have to ask, as others have, why bother, then? The special things you get with a two person relationship are really only possible because the risk of breaking down is present. Human personality differences make this a fact of life. Trying to regulate a relationship enough to prevent a combative situation would also rob the passion and sponteneaity, I think. Might as well hire a nanny with benifits.

I didn't say it was possible to prevent a multiple-partner relationship from ever breaking down. I was trying to say that you can work out methods by which it can last quite a while, if not forever -- which is exactly what the goal should be for a couple as well.

I would never suggest regulating a relationship so there is no combat. In fact, I don't believe it is possible, nor do I believe that humans can be happy in situations without conflict.

 

[Spinrad]

Let's ask ben Borg: Did Zaac's little sermon make any difference to you?

 

[Spinrad]

I didn't say it was possible to prevent a multiple-partner relationship from ever breaking down. I was trying to say that you can work out methods by which it can last quite a while, if not forever -- which is exactly what the goal should be for a couple as well.

I would never suggest regulating a relationship so there is no combat. In fact, I don't believe it is possible, nor do I believe that humans can be happy in situations without conflict.

I guess it all depends on what you are after. You can make a passionate marriage work for a long time if you look at it realistically, but a three person relationship just seems more work than it would be worth to me.

 

[Ben Borg Again]

I think the person that is brought into the relationship has to be evaluate. Time has to be taken to get to know,talk and arrange what exactly what will be happening in the situation.

yes I think you are right about taking the time to lay a foundataion for a relationship... the best choise I ever made in life was waiting 4 years while I was dating my wife before sex even came into the relationship. SO we were able to develop a close friendship without the distraction of sex.

 

[Ledifni]

I guess it all depends on what you are after. You can make a passionate marriage work for a long time if you look at it realistically, but a three person relationship just seems more work than it would be worth to me.

Right, and that's why I said it depends on your comfort zone. Everyone is different.

 

[Zaac]

No, I know. God's Truth and the delivery thereof is based at all times on Zaac's wisdom.

Well you've never heard me say that. But you seem to have this notion that what I say demands some sort of mark of approval from your silly behind before I say it. Get over yourself.

 

[Zaac]

Let's ask ben Borg: Did Zaac's little sermon make any difference to you?

Zaac didn't give a sermon. Zaac gave him a Biblical perspective. No one has to like it, and ya'll can sit here and tell him that it depends on his comfort zone or whatever else. God is the judge and His Word ALREADY covers this.

IT'S CALLED ADULTERY. If she wants to sleep with other women, then she should not have gotten married.

What the couple needs is a good Christian counselor and shall angels dispatched from heaven beat away all of this sinful advice that ya'll are giving this man.

 

[Spinrad]

Right, and that's why I said it depends on your comfort zone. Everyone is different.

Granted. And agreed. But hey, dude asked for opinions. I think by and large what I am saying holds true. But it certainly COULD work for some folks.

 

[Ben Borg Again]

I think polyamory is a personal choice and depends on your comfort zone. Cheating, in my opinion, has nothing to do with sex; it has to do with breaking trust. Thus, if you are comfortable with this relationship and so is your wife, there should be no problem.

I once knew a man whose relationship with his wife was polyamorous. They each had "kissing friends" with whom they pursued sexual relationships; at times they shared, at other times they had sexual experiences apart from one another. Their relationship was quite happy and successful, and though I am no longer in contact with them, last I saw they were growing very old and very happy together -- and they were still friends and sometimes sexual partners with many of their past partners.

Do keep in mind, though, that if you invite another person into your relationship, you must both be committed to making the relationship work and take each others' feelings into account. For example, what happens if there are problems with the third person? Who has the right to "break up" and how will they do it? These are things you'll need to consider so you can avoid any rocky issues in the relationship.

thanks for the input.

I have no desire, niether does my wife of having an 'open relationship"
that is, basically sleeping around with outside persons. Which I think is different than polyamory.

And it probably is wise to sit down and discuss the limits,roles and rules.

 

[Spinrad]

Let's ask Ben Borg Again: Did you imagine when you posted this that Jesus would approve? Are you glad Zaac reminded you that his mythological litmus test might dissaprove?

 

[Ledifni]

thanks for the input.

I have no desire, niether does my wife of having an 'open relationship"
that is, basically sleeping around with outside persons. Which I think is different than polyamory.

Well, technically that is what polyamory is (an open relationship). What you're describing is polygamy -- a multi-partner relationship where not just two of you, but all of you are committed. Nevertheless, my friends are an example of how a couple may deviate from social standards and yet have a happy relationship.

 

[Ben Borg Again]

what will be the position of the 2nd woman in ur life ? is she going to be like a 2nd wife or just a sex partner or just ur wifes gf ? what if ur wife wants to pursue a relationship with a girl u dont like ? do u have kids or are u planning to have kids ? if u are , are u comfortable enforcing such a situation on them ?
i think its very complicated and u should think long and hard before agreeing to anything . i would advise against it but it comes down to what YOU want , u have to shape ur own life

good questions, and thanks for not being jugemental.

I guess if I explained the dynamics I have with my wife it would make more sense.....

My wife is an extremely extroverted open personality, she is the kind of person that makes everyone feel special, loved, and comfortable.

While I am the exact polar opposite in every way. You would think this would cause problems , but it doesnt, I think we balance each other out perfectly, evidence is our home environment is very positive, we love each other very much, open communication, and trust. and we are still very affectionate towards each other even after 15 years together. I dont think we are codependant per se, but she is honestly like my soul mate and our opposite natures really balance out well.
Only one problem: that is because my wife is so attractive, the guys give her all the attention and she has never had any close female friends, which depresses her to no end. she never grew up with a mother figure,
I cannot fill the void of that missing emotional relationship that females share. Because while my wife is such an emotional creature, I am pretty much a Vulcan compared to her, non emotional and I tend to gravitate towards academic things. She is also bisexual.

 

[Eudaimonist]

Perhaps there are rare individuals for whom polyamory would work (if "work" means a stable long-term relationship), but I can't see most people managing it. Having a relationship with one person is challenge enough.

I know that, at least for me, it would never work. I am a deep person who needs for a relationship to have romantic meaning, and exclusivity is a necessary requirement of this. I can't make myself so shallow that I could divide my romantic focus to more than one woman. So polyamory is out for me.

Who knows? Maybe there are naturally polyamorous people, just as there are natural gays. Maybe it's part of human diversity.

 

[Ben Borg Again]

I can't see it lasting, myself. The three person dynamic will eventually rear it's ugly head. I think that's human nature. I have found almost without exception that two people can hammer out nearly any problem because they are forced to deal with one other person and concentrate on that. No one has the upper hand. But a third person involved intimately with you two in every decision in life will introduce a weighted problem solving dynamic. One person will end up with an ally and potential bullying partner and the other will have to battle against two people reinforcing each other, possibly against logic and reason. The amount of psychic energy this would demand, I believe, would cause far more strife than a relationship could handle. Even if every tried their hardest, human nature will be what it is.

I understand what you mean.
Including another person would multiply the group dynamic.
That is not only is there a relation ship with both, I must also consider
that there are 4 more relationships-dynamics to consider that must all work together in a positive way

Wife + myself
wife + myself + wife#2
Wife+ wife #2
Myself + wife#2

Not to mention my daughter which doubles the dynamic into 8 seperate type relationships.

SO I can see where it would become complicated.

 

[Spinrad]

Just approach it with circumspection.

 

[Ben Borg Again]

I apologize for being flippant, but the sex and love issues are the only important issues, otherwise you're just roomies.

It seems to me that the worst case scenario here is that this woman decides she doesn't want you in her and your wife's life, and convinces your wife she is better off without you.

Now that may be a very remote possibility, but is a risk. If I had young children, it wouldn't be a risk I would be willing to accept, regardless of its remoteness. If I didn't, I might be willing to assume the risk based upon the added value a second "wife" might bring.

yea you hit the nail on the head, that is what I am afriad of , at the same time my life philosphy, is " follow your heart" and to encourage self devolment and growth. SO I dont know if it is selfish of me to be afraid of another woman taking my wife away.
In a way I think if I am afriad then I am allowing my own insecuritys and lack of self esteem to run the show? I dont know.

I also cannot say what the statistics are in long term plyamory relationships. divorce and all that. I suppose I should search out the people involved in poly-relationships to get their opinions as well.
I am sure they are out their somewhere, its a new subject for me, but I am educateing myself on it now. and sort of running in the dark right now.

 

[Ledifni]

yea you hit the nail on the head, that is what I am afriad of , at the same time my life philosphy, is " follow your heart" and to encourage self devolment and growth. SO I dont know if it is selfish of me to be afraid of another woman taking my wife away.
In a way I think if I am afriad then I am allowing my own insecuritys and lack of self esteem to run the show? I dont know.

I also cannot say what the statistics are in long term plyamory relationships. divorce and all that. I suppose I should search out the people involved in poly-relationships to get their opinions as well.
I am sure they are out their somewhere, its a new subject for me, but I am educateing myself on it now. and sort of running in the dark right now.

Do some web searches. There are plenty of polyamorous communities and organizations to contact (I'm not talking about swingers' clubs, I'm talking about social organizations for people with multi-partner relationships).

 

[HouseApe]

SO I dont know if it is selfish of me to be afraid of another woman taking my wife away.
In a way I think if I am afriad then I am allowing my own insecuritys and lack of self esteem to run the show? I dont know.

I actually love my wife enough to put her happiness before my own. Meaning that I have told her that if she falls in love with someone else, I will let her go happily, knowing that she is happier without me.

However, I put my sons happiness before either my wifes or my own. So that I do not want her to break up our relationship prior to his being able to deal with it in a way that is not detrimental to him.

But to each his own. Lots of communication up front is really vital here.

 

[Zaac]

Let's ask Ben Borg Again: Did you imagine when you posted this that Jesus would approve? Are you glad Zaac reminded you that his mythological litmus test might dissaprove?

No weapon formed against me shall prosper. Isaiah 54:17

 

[Spinrad]

That is quite a stretch.