please help me

[knw1991]

im emotionally wounded. i have posted a lot in the depression forum about the recent heartbreak i've gone through , as well as my father's absence in my life, and the feelings of loneliness i have regarding being single. im trying to make sense of everything. ive read the loneliness is God's way of getting our attention to draw near to Him, but i dont know how. i feel like i can never do enough to reach God. i want God to tell me the meaning behind what has happened and what i should learn from it.

im hurting because my father has struggled with a drug addiction before i was even born and he still does and i really wish i could have had a loving father. im 22 now and he still struggles with it and it angers me that he thinks he can come and go out of my life as he pleases. my birthday was august 9, he came to the party on august 10, and after that i didnt hear from him until his birthday on october 2nd.

i have struggled to see God as loving and near. I feel that he is distant or unconcerned about my life. i struggle with feelings of loneliness because i wish i had someone to share my life with. my cousin and neice are around my age 19-21 and they have boyfriends. i have christian friends who are engaged and married. im afraid that i'll be alone forever. i really desire a husband and to have children one day, but im scared that it may not happen for me. im trying to wait on a godly man but why would God even give me one when i am so broken in my emotions and im not close to Him? i have sinned over and over knowing it was wrong. i kept doing it because it numbed my pain and took my mind off my pathetic reality.

i am anxious and worried about my future. i dont know God's plan for my life, im pursuing becoming a physician assistant but im afraid i wont get accepted into a program because its very competitive. on the other hand im not even sure if im in God's will in pursuing a career as a physician assistant. at times i feel hopeless about my future. i wonder if i'll ever find the right man and get married and have a family, i also think of how broken my life is. im 22 and still single, i am still hurt by my father not being around and being nonchalant about the pain his absence in my life has caused me.

i desire to reach God, to be healed, to know his love personally. I have heard people say that we not only need to know that God loves us, but we need to experience his love personally. i want to connect with God, and hear what he has to say about my life. i want to be comforted but i feel like its selfish to pursue God for my own personal needs instead of pursuing Him for who He is.. God wont reveal himself to someone who just wants something. im very overwhelmed and i dont know what to do. i feel guilty for praying for help because its like i just want something from God and not truly seeking him for who He is. im tired of feeling hopeless and hurt. a part of me is afraid to trust God because i know that He allows us to go through pain to mature and teach us about Him. im so afraid of what life may bring me, sometimes i feel like i just cant "do" life. please help me.

 

[Spunkn]

I think in some ways you are being a little hard on yourself. These are deep, not easy to deal with problems, in your life. They will have to be worked through, and you will probably stumble, and it will hurt. But I can tell you know, that even though it hurts, it is worth it.

You think of God as distant and unconcerned with your life, because your own father never gave you a reason to think that he cared about you. Often times we think of God the same way we think of our parents. But God is not our parents. God will not let you down, or use you, or disappear when you need Him most. He is always there.

I know the desire to want to find that special someone, and get married and have the "life that everyone else has" but I want to say a couple things about that. Often when we look at other people's lives and how great it is, we often don't see the whole picture. Sure, there can be people walking in the park with their kids and they seem like they have it all. But that's often not reality. What if they go home, and the husband hits his wife or abuses the children? Sure they smile in public, but in private they are a wreck. What if the girl who has a boyfriend goes home at night crying because he "says" he cares about her in public, but he doesn't ever back it up with action?

Would having a relationship right now solve anything? We would like to think it would. But being in a relationship with a guy or a girl will only delay the inevitable. I found this out personally, and it caused me severe depression for 2 years. We cannot fill the hole in our lives with another person, it can only be God. If we were married, had kids, all the money, fame, and power in this world but we did not have God we would still fill empty. There is nothing in this world that can truly make us happy except God.

I know that it's hard, to have patience and feel that God wants to give you those things, but I believe He does. But He also wants to give you the best of those things and that means a healthy marriage, with real love and affection. But that means we have to deal with a lot of the issues in our lives that might have an affect on our chances of really experiencing the best that God wants for us. I'm not saying that marriage can be perfect, far from it. But I do think God knows sometimes that we're not ready.

I think God's will for our lives is that we follow Him. Does that mean specially as a physician assistant? Could be. Can you serve God working at McDonalds? Absolutely. As long as it is a job that is acceptable to God then you can serve Him and honor Him in whatever job that you do. So if you feel that a physician assistant is where you feel the most passionate and gifted then I say go for it. If God has other plans later on for you, well He will help you through that.

The best way to know God is to read the Bible. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true. It is His Word, breathed out by Him for us. It's not an ordinary book, it's supernatural. It changes unbelievers and it changes our lives as believers. He speaks to us through His word.

I know that you're frustrated, and you feel hopeless but I know, from my own life, that God can bring healing through even the darkest of pain and hell. I know that it causes doubts about His existence, but I truly believe that if we seek Him, He will find us.

Still praying for you

 

[knw1991]

thank you. you are so right. i know emotionally im not ready for a relationship it saddens me though. i wish i could be normal like others who are ready for a relationship. im scared of how long it will take me to be ready. How do i seek God? im not sure where to read in the bible? i feel lost about how to pursue God and healing.

 

[Krissy Cakes]

I'm praying for you.

 

[Spunkn]

thank you. you are so right. i know emotionally im not ready for a relationship it saddens me though. i wish i could be normal like others who are ready for a relationship. im scared of how long it will take me to be ready. How do i seek God? im not sure where to read in the bible? i feel lost about how to pursue God and healing.

You will get there. There are people who are in relationships now and are miserable, because they didn't take the time to be ready for a relationship. While it "looks" better from the outside to be in a relationship, that's not always the case.

I can't really say to look at this verse, or look at this passage, or read this chapter and it will explain everything. God is all throughout the Bible.

Perhaps start with the Gospels and go from there? Reading about salvation and what God did for us, helps to understand how much He loves us.

 

[knw1991]

i just read a blog i thought it would be helpful but as i read a section on how to know youre saved and read people's comments ive just become overwhelmed. im tired of striving. i dont have the strength for this, im not saved. ive already concluded that im not saved. these were the questions posted:

Here are a few questions to examine yourself by.
Do you love Him? Not “do you feel that you love Him”—do you actually love Him?
Do your actions prove the truth of your answer?
Does your heart cry out to know God?
Do you hate the sin you once loved because the sin is against God? Do you hate it enough to turn from it?
Are you a new creation? Has the “old passed away and the new come”? (2 Cor 5:17)
Are you pursuing holiness?
Are you pursuing it out of love for Christ, not to impress men?
Are you consistently exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit? (Gal 5:22-23)

i answer no to them all. i dont care anymore. wanting salvation in the past has caused me depression. i dont want to live anymore. im officially done. im done with wanting healing. IM READY TO DIE.

 

[casey86]

i just read a blog i thought it would be helpful but as i read a section on how to know youre saved and read people's comments ive just become overwhelmed. im tired of striving. i dont have the strength for this, im not saved. ive already concluded that im not saved. these were the questions posted:

Here are a few questions to examine yourself by.
Do you love Him? Not “do you feel that you love Him”—do you actually love Him?
Do your actions prove the truth of your answer?
Does your heart cry out to know God?
Do you hate the sin you once loved because the sin is against God? Do you hate it enough to turn from it?
Are you a new creation? Has the “old passed away and the new come”? (2 Cor 5:17)
Are you pursuing holiness?
Are you pursuing it out of love for Christ, not to impress men?
Are you consistently exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit? (Gal 5:22-23)

i answer no to them all. i dont care anymore. wanting salvation in the past has caused me depression. i dont want to live anymore. im officially done. im done with wanting healing. IM READY TO DIE.

All of those questions point to self and not to Jesus. That is something very commonly done with people because they are trying to put light in something that Jesus has already put the light on. Jesus said do not worry about anything, that includes salvation. I read Romans 5:19 a lot because it reminds us of the truth about salvation:

"By one man's disobedience, many were made sinners, so also by one Man's obedience many will be made righteous."

In the same way Adam made us sinners, Jesus made us righteous. In God's eyes it is already done. So our walk with God is not about living up to a standard to receive from Him. God wants to give to us. He doesn't find it selfish to ask Him for something even if that is the only reason why you are praying. The bible says keep asking, and you will receive. If God didn't want us to ask Him for things He wouldn't have told us to keep asking. We should not make our problems bigger than God. When Peter did that he will into the water. But as long as he simply looked at Jesus, knowing He is the Son of God that empowered him to do something he could not do before. But when he looked at the storm and made the storm bigger than Jesus, it affected his receiving, but Jesus still saved him. The storms will cloud us but will never keep Jesus away. I think we should believe Jesus is so much bigger than all of us and that will help us in our walk.

 

[knw1991]

That's not how others view it even the bible says examine yourself. Thank you for helping though but I just don't care. I dobt want healing I don't even want to take another breath. I'm sick of living, I wish I could just fade away

 

[casey86]

That's not how others view it even the bible says examine yourself. Thank you for helping though but I just don't care. I dobt want healing I don't even want to take another breath. I'm sick of living, I wish I could just fade away

Always consider who those words were spoken to. Many of times words that pointed to self were spoken to self righteous people, the Pharisees. The boasted which is something Christians don't do because they know they are saved by grace. I want to post more here about salvation but it will take me a bit to type it out.

I'm praying for you everyday.

 

[Spunkn]

i just read a blog i thought it would be helpful but as i read a section on how to know youre saved and read people's comments ive just become overwhelmed. im tired of striving. i dont have the strength for this, im not saved. ive already concluded that im not saved. these were the questions posted:

Here are a few questions to examine yourself by.
Do you love Him? Not “do you feel that you love Him”—do you actually love Him?
Do your actions prove the truth of your answer?
Does your heart cry out to know God?
Do you hate the sin you once loved because the sin is against God? Do you hate it enough to turn from it?
Are you a new creation? Has the “old passed away and the new come”? (2 Cor 5:17)
Are you pursuing holiness?
Are you pursuing it out of love for Christ, not to impress men?
Are you consistently exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit? (Gal 5:22-23)

i answer no to them all. i dont care anymore. wanting salvation in the past has caused me depression. i dont want to live anymore. im officially done. im done with wanting healing. IM READY TO DIE.

Someone's blog is not a source of authority on what determines if you are saved.

Only the Bible is the TRUE authority on if you are saved. That's why it's important for us to search the Bible for who God is, and not just people's opinion.

That "blog" can't say whether or not you are saved anymore than I can. That's between you and God, and no one else. When we suffer from doubt, and have periods of time where we don't pursue God or we are angry at God that doesn't mean we are not saved.

I still get mad at God sometimes and don't understand why He allows certain things to happen. That doesn't mean I'm not a believer.

Truth comes from the Bible, not from emotion, websites, magazines, facebook and all of those other things. It can "use" or "reveal" a truth, but those truths have to come from God and the Bible.

 

[knw1991]

Other people are normal and can take on following God and seeking him. I got angry when I read about counting the cost of following Jeaus, how can he tell us to count the cost of following him when we could go to hell for not choosing to ( rejecting salvation). I'm sick of playing cat and mouse I'm sick of being confused. My life had been a loving HELL since I've gave God a thought. My life has been a representation of a fool that been born without a loving father, made fun of by family and peers for caring about school, heartbroken , alone and depressed. I can't even offer hope to others who are hurting because the one that's supposed to be my hope is nowhere to BE found . Every time I overcome hopelessness it's waiting for me again. There is no purpose my life. I'm just a lonely overweight forgotten failure!!!! I don't care anymore! If I could break my very soul in half I would because my life isn't worth living and never will be. Ill always be the girl with just a degree to her name, ill never be loved never be a real Christian never amount to anything!! Why even live

 

[knw1991]

Ill never know from God about my salvation. I can't be anyway I don't even know why there's doubt. I tried in the beginning to please God but everything went down hill whn I began doubting. Whatever I don't care it's just hard to live when you have no hope

 

[casey86]

Ill never know from God about my salvation. I can't be anyway I don't even know why there's doubt. I tried in the beginning to please God but everything went down hill whn I began doubting. Whatever I don't care it's just hard to live when you have no hope

It is not our place to please God. God is pleased with you and it has nothing to do with your obedience or the lack of it. If it had anything to do with us, then we have all the reason to worry and doubt. But since it doesn't, we can have a confident expectation of good. That is a gift, not a right we obtain. You say you have no hope. Ask God for hope. You could try saying a prayer like this everyday:

Jesus, I ask you to give me hope in your perfect love. I know you love me, even when my feelings say otherwise. I ask you to open the door of hope in my life and to walk with me through that door. Thank you for your grace Jesus. Thank you for loving me. I ask this in your name Jesus. Amen.

 

[casey86]

I wanted to share this with you.

Joseph Prince - God's Great Grace Is Working In Your Greatest Weakness! - 29 Sept 13 - YouTube

 

[Spunkn]

Other people are normal and can take on following God and seeking him. I got angry when I read about counting the cost of following Jeaus, how can he tell us to count the cost of following him when we could go to hell for not choosing to ( rejecting salvation). I'm sick of playing cat and mouse I'm sick of being confused. My life had been a loving HELL since I've gave God a thought. My life has been a representation of a fool that been born without a loving father, made fun of by family and peers for caring about school, heartbroken , alone and depressed. I can't even offer hope to others who are hurting because the one that's supposed to be my hope is nowhere to BE found . Every time I overcome hopelessness it's waiting for me again. There is no purpose my life. I'm just a lonely overweight forgotten failure!!!! I don't care anymore! If I could break my very soul in half I would because my life isn't worth living and never will be. Ill always be the girl with just a degree to her name, ill never be loved never be a real Christian never amount to anything!! Why even live

For God so loved the whole WORLD....

That includes you. If everyone else didn't exist, and it was just you, Christ would still die for you on the Cross.

The reason your life becomes hell when you start thinking about God is because Satan wants you to doubt. Satan wants everyone to reject God.

You're not overweight, nor are you a failure. I still think you're a great person and that God will do great things in your life, even if you cannot see it.

I didn't see a point to my life long ago either, but I'm still here and I believe that God has His reasons for all things, even when we do not understand them.

 

[knw1991]

I was not chosen for salvation because God calls people to himself for salvation. Oh well

 

[knw1991]

thanks for your advice casey86 and spunkn I'm just tired of fooling myself. I don't want to be let down anymore. I give up on faith, I can't reach God I was never meant to. Jesus said his sheep hear him and follow, obviously I'm not one. I don't belong and never will

 

[knw1991]

I wanted to share this with you.

Joseph Prince - God's Great Grace Is Working In Your Greatest Weakness! - 29 Sept 13 - YouTube

Thanks I have to many weaknesses to count. that video isn't for me I'm s mistake here. I don't want to be loved nor do I need love. I don't care anymore

 

[Spunkn]

thanks for your advice casey86 and spunkn I'm just tired of fooling myself. I don't want to be let down anymore. I give up on faith, I can't reach God I was never meant to. Jesus said his sheep hear him and follow, obviously I'm not one. I don't belong and never will

I know that it feels that way, but even when we give up on God, that doesn't mean He gives up on us. I've seen this numerous times in my own life, and I believe the same is true for you.

But I understand the feeling none the less. Will be praying for you

 

[knw1991]

Thanks for your prayers God only helps those who trust in him so I won't be receiving any help at all. I don't know how I'll go on