Pastor of church...is he acting appropriate?

[TheDag]

Umm, HECK NO, a single (divorced) man does not invite a still-married woman (or women) to his home for a weekend! NO, NO, and NO. Especially a pastor, a man in a position of influence and scrutiny. What is that telling the kids, too? "It's perfectly normal for a man to have women hanging out at his house for the weekend, even if they aren't married". Ugh... even thinking about it gives me the heebie jeebies. I would be out of that church ASAP.

and what does your view teach people? That it is a sin and you will go to hell if you even talk to a member of the opposite sex? I've seen that in too many churches and the problems it causes. There is absolutely nothing wrong biblically with spending time with members of the opposite sex. One may become vulnerable to false accusations but there is nothing wrong. If you can see something in the bible that says it is wrong then perhaps you could share.

 

[Cactus Jack]

A pastor I know invites his parishoners to spend the weekend at his country home.

Noted.

He is divorced (not by choice).

Hmmm. Are you in his congregation? Some churches allow this and some do not.

The woman (and her kid) who he often invites is married but having ongoing marital problems ( husband is unbeliever).

Do you just "know" the pastor or are you his friend, or are you in his congregation? I am thinking just confront him, peacefully and without allegations, tell him what you have seen and the impression it gives of him and his church. But also allow him to defend/explain himself if he wishes to.

If you just know him, and you feel it is not resolved, I suppose look the other way and have him in your prayers. If he is your friend, let him know of your concern and disappointment. If he is YOUR pastor, I think bringing this to the attention of one of the church Elders or the pastor himself would be the answer. If that does not satisfy you, then I suggest that you find another church to join instead.

 

[HIS Geeky Girl]

and what does your view teach people? That it is a sin and you will go to hell if you even talk to a member of the opposite sex? I've seen that in too many churches and the problems it causes. There is absolutely nothing wrong biblically with spending time with members of the opposite sex. One may become vulnerable to false accusations but there is nothing wrong. If you can see something in the bible that says it is wrong then perhaps you could share.

'the heck are you talking about? I never even hinted at anything you just accused me of saying. Talk about coming out of left field, lol.

 

[parsley]

I don't think Dag was speaking to one person specifically, but keeping the thread balanced and reasonable. I see how it relates -- vividly.

Much of the thread has leaned toward the view that individual interaction between men and women is too risky to be tolerated in a church context.

I have also seen odd things happen in churches where too many rules about male-female interaction led to strange things. The social mores make sense, but they can snowball.

I have seen these situations in average mainstream churches:
Women who talk with men in the narthex were scorned or reprimanded; women were no longer given leadership roles, because they'd eventually need to meet with a male pastor. I have even see staff jobs go to men because those hiring didn't want to put themselves at risk. That's against EOE in the US. Don't get me started on Jezebel accusations.

How about if people learn to be responsible for their own behavior!

People need some amount of freedom to interact, explore friendships, follow God's lead, care for others' needs.

Who knows, maybe the woman was enduring violence when at home with kids on the weekends? What is better -- safety, and finding a gradual way out of a dangerous situation (possibly)... or making sure no one fornicates?

We really don't know enough about the situation, but collecting a broad range of advice is still a good idea.

Consider talking to your friend about the legal implications of what she's doing. Find out how judges tend to rule on custody in your district, because taking the kids away from the home a percentage of the time might later get used against her.

There are implications for leaving the house, leaving the children, leaving without the children, denying a father time with children....she needs to find out what those are.

Approach her with help on these issues. Keep the focus on how she's going to handle the future, not on whether something looks improper or not. Be a real help to her and the children.

 

[HIS Geeky Girl]

Well, he quoted me, so it was aimed at me.

And I haven't seen people talking about "the interaction between men and women" in the general context, it's focused on the fact that said man and women are 1) divorced 2) still married 3) have children involved and 4) are in a position of authority and scrutiny within the church.

This is NOT a general "Christian men and women interacting with each other" thread.

 

[parsley]

I have been involved in churches where members -- couples, families, and individuals -- lived in each others' houses for counseling purposes. This happened frequently, was well-monitored, and did not result in romances.

In fact, the house I grew up in often had temporary individuals staying there, choosing to shift their norms for growth purposes, specific needs, and various reasons. I grew up thinking of the Christian home as "not your own" -- that the house was dedicated to God, and it was part temple, part residence.

Perhaps that was naive, but having seen decades of people appreciating the support they had from believers who opened up their homes for others, it seems a shame to trash the practice of hospitality and generosity just because it comes with risks.

We don't know what the motivation of the pastor was, but need to consider that he was naively and generously trying to help a family in trouble.

What is our Christianity all about? It seems to have shifted.

 

[TheDag]

'the heck are you talking about? I never even hinted at anything you just accused me of saying. Talk about coming out of left field, lol.

What I mentioned was the end results of views held by people in churches who start of with the same view that you expressed. So no I was not saying you said those things but I have been around long enough to see those kinds of views become a problem because people get so focused on it rather than being balanced. A friend of mine was made to apologise for looking at a married woman. he looked at them which is the polite thing to do when your having a conversation with them during supper after bible study. There were plenty of other people in the room. I mean really what was he going to do???? That is just an example of where your view often ends up because of the unhealthy focus and no balance that usually accompanies it. If there is a healthy balance then it won't end up that way but people are good at missing the point so the balance generally doesn't exist.

If you had read all the posts in this thread you would have seen my previous post about how it could open the pastor up to false accusations. however that does not mean the pastor should not talk to them.

1) divorced

So what?

2) still married

So what?

3) have children involved and

So what?

I'm not being rude by just asking so what but being honest. Those things really do not make a difference.

4) are in a position of authority and scrutiny within the church.

[/quote]
Yeah so he should be protective of ministry but that also should not rule out meeting with this woman. It is worth noting they both have responsibilities in this regard.

It is also worth noting that there is another woman there at the same time and both women have kids. So there areeither 5 or 7 people in the house so the pastor is not actually alone with this woman.

 

[CGL1023]

A pastor I know invites his parishoners to spend the weekend at his country home. He is divorced (not by choice). The woman (and her kid) who he often invites is married but having ongoing marital problems ( husband is unbeliever). Even if this situation is 100% innocent, this doesn't feel right to me. What do you say?

It is clear from the scriptures to "Abstain from all appearance of evil"KJV (1 Th 5:22).

 

[parsley]

It is clear from the scriptures to "Abstain from all appearance of evil"KJV (1 Th 5:22).

That is very fitting.
The pastor would obviously know how it looks, so could clarify intent to those who question it. Certain jobs hold a responsibility for how one conducts themselves outside of the office.

Imagine a mayor involved in promotions with another city... or your child's kindergarten teacher running belly dance classes at night. Wrong or not, it causes a stir. The people who rely on their leadership expect consistency, and when the leader veers from that, it causes others to question their ethics, and dedication to the job. So it is important to clarify when inconsistent choices are made.

 

[gracegreciagracet]

And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.(1 Corinthians 7:10-11 KJV)