Pastor of church...is he acting appropriate?

[BFine]

A pastor I know invites his parishoners to spend the weekend at his country home. He is divorced (not by choice). The woman (and her kid) who he often invites is married but having ongoing marital problems ( husband is unbeliever). Even if this situation is 100% innocent, this doesn't feel right to me. What do you say?

*You said parishioners --then you say the woman and her child?
Are others there?

Do you know for a fact he is spending time alone with a married woman
and her child at his country home?

Have you discussed this with the minister in question?
If you haven't, please go discuss the matter with him and take
a witness with you who can give proof to what you have posted in your
thread.

 

[Life2Christ]

Can you PLEASE clarify on whether he is inviting a GROUP of people to his home or just one woman?

Two women with their two kids.

 

[Life2Christ]

*You said parishioners --then you say the woman and her child?
Are others there?

Do you know for a fact he is spending time alone with a married woman
and her child at his country home?

Have you discussed this with the minister in question?
If you haven't, please go discuss the matter with him and take
a witness with you who can give proof to what you have posted in your
thread.

yes i know for a fact. But it is none of my business thus I cannot say anythinh to them.

 

[parsley]

If you feel you cannot say anything to him, consider speaking with the elders of the church, who oversee his position.

 

[aiki]

THis view that one should not judge another reflects a misunderstanding of Scripture.

Paul writes explicitly that making moral judgments is perfectly appropriate among believers. Read 1 Corinthians 5. At the end of the chapter Paul writes,

1 Corinthians 5:11-13
11 But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner--not even to eat with such a person.
12 For what have I to do with judging those also who are outside? Do you not judge those who are inside?
13 But those who are outside God judges. Therefore "put away from yourselves the evil person."

Paul here contrasts how believers are to interact with non-believers and how they are to interact with fellow believers in the matter of making moral judgments. Paul reminds believers that they are not to judge those who don't know God as their Heavenly Father. Those professing a faith in Christ as their Lord and Saviour, however, Paul explicitly commands believers to judge.

When Christ speaks of the log and the splinter in the eyes of people he never actually forbids wholesale judging another. He simply warns that if you judge someone you ought to expect to be judged yourself - particularly in the area in which you judge another. It is for this reason, Christ urges those who would exercise judgment toward another to do so only after they have removed from themselves anything worthy of the same judgment in their own lives. One ought not to judge another guilty of the very thing one is guilty of oneself. And one's judgment will have no constructive benefit if it arises from a condition of hypocrisy.

Matthew 7:1-5
1 "Judge not, that you be not judged.
2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.
3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?
4 Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye?
5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Christ doesn't forbid attempting to take the speck from your brother's eye. And judging that the thing ought to be removed is okay as well. One just must make sure one is not guilty of hypocrisy in the process.

THe idea that one ought not to judge another comes to the Christian believer from the world where moral relativism is the order of the day. Nothing is truly wrong. Morality is just what the majority agrees is beneficial and preferable and is able to enforce upon the remaining minority. Those in the world avoid making moral judgments as much as possible so as not to condemn themselves and place upon themselves moral restrictions. This is not the way of Christ who repeatedly told people, "Go and sin no more."


Selah.

 

[bob8619]

Exactly how I understand it aiki. Well said!

 

[Bella Vita]

No he is wrong a man of the cloth should not be hanging out with another man's wife alone period. Yet alone a wife who is having marital problems that is inappropriate and wrong on many levels. If he is single he needs to find other single women to hang out with.

I would never as a married women hang out with my pastor alone, and his wife would never hang out with my husband alone that is disrespectful. We are all friends and hang out together or the guys hang out one on one or the women hang out but not male and female alone.

 

[BFine]

yes i know for a fact. But it is none of my business thus I cannot say anythinh to them.

*You are making it your business by revealing it here--

As bad as this sounds, why mention it here at all, if you think
it's none of your business-- I'm confused as to what your point
is Life2Christ???

 

[Luna1991]

*You are making it your business by revealing it here--

As bad as this sounds, why mention it here at all, if you think
it's none of your business-- I'm confused as to what your point
is Life2Christ???

I can appreciate Life2Christ's desire just to air out her thoughts & feelings. No names were mentioned, we don't know the people personally. I can see the psychological benefit to just sharing some thoughts in a safe place and processing some feedback from others. Once having processed the situation a bit and hearing some outside thoughts, OP can decide whether she needs to bring to issue to church elders or to minister himself.

 

[znr]

That's a small group. How is this wrong or questionable?

Two women with their two kids.

 

[Pal Handy]

I am not judging. I am questioning moral behavior. If I was judging I'd outright say that the pastor should be hung and beaten with a stick. See the difference?

Let me ask you this...
Is this Pastor loving, kind, gentle, patient, longsuffering, selfless,
giving, humble and willing to honor others above his own
desires and need to be honored?

If he is not showing you the fruit of the Holy Spirt which I outlined above,
I would have a red flag raised as to what he is doing.

If he has the fruit of the Holy Spirit I would not be alarmed.

You never mentioned what the purpose is for this pastor inviting people on a weekend retreat.

What does your pastor say?

 

[Life2Christ]

Let me ask you this...
Is this Pastor loving, kind, gentle, patient, longsuffering, selfless,
giving, humble and willing to honor others above his own
desires and need to be honored?

yes to all of the above. He is a good and kind man. I have no issues with him except that I find him taking married parishioners to his weekend home highly unusual. He is not my pastor nor do I attend his church but the parishioner at his house is someone who I am very close to. I am constantly praying for her and her family but I feel like this situation is not helping. Also, the fact that he is divorced and she is "on the edge" maritally makes me nervous. She is close to the pastor. My hands are tied but I just keep asking the Lord to look after her and her husband.

 

[ezeric]

Originally Posted by Pal Handy

Let me ask you this...
Is this Pastor loving, kind, gentle, patient, longsuffering, selfless,
giving, humble and willing to honor others above his own
desires and need to be honored?

yes to all of the above. He is a good and kind man.

Wow! I have to meet a man of GOD like this!

-eric

 

[ezeric]

Joking aside, but I think since Life2Christ knows one of the ladies, seemingly (by what I understand here) well, then she out of love is supposed to protect her as best as she can. LOVE is the motivation for everything we do in the Kingdom, and that 'LOVE' is always what is best for others.

There isn't any harm with discussing things, and then getting some 'light' on it before we go out and say or do what maybe we should or shouldn't -so there is nothing wrong with the posted concern/and question.

Often just speaking it out loud or talking about a thought or problem will easily point us the 'right way'...sometimes it just kind of comes out funny as we say it, and we know its not good. But when it was an internal thought, we considered it wise - but really it wasn't.

Look after your sister (this lady friend), as the SPIRIT leads you.

LOVE always protects. 1 Corinthians 13:7

-eric



the-exchanged-life.blogspot.com/

 

[Aibrean]

I think just having women is very questionable, regardless if his intentions are innocent. The pastors at our church never even close the door to their office if a woman is in there with him. He should invite some men as well.

Don't even make it look like you are near the fence and people won't assume you're trying to cross it.

 

[xxxxxxtra]

Don't go.. Keep it as a fellowship in a church building relationship.. Atleast you will have witnesses.. But he sounds like a flake.. his exwife also.. I mean she divorces a pastor and the becomez unequally yoked to another.. Ouch... She lived with this pastor and became this messed up.. That should tell you something

 

[parsley]

yes to all of the above. He is a good and kind man. I have no issues with him except that I find him taking married parishioners to his weekend home highly unusual. He is not my pastor nor do I attend his church but the parishioner at his house is someone who I am very close to. I am constantly praying for her and her family but I feel like this situation is not helping. Also, the fact that he is divorced and she is "on the edge" maritally makes me nervous. She is close to the pastor. My hands are tied but I just keep asking the Lord to look after her and her husband.

Ah, thanks for explaining.

Back in "the good old days" people did things like this all the time, so I am hesitant to say he's causing trouble. I was a member of a church that didn't just offer housing to people in transition and need, but often did exchanges of family members to shuffle the dynamics and give people different perspectives... especially in times where people felt on the edge. Counsel would be different coming from a different household.

But these days there are so many lawsuits, and stories of impropriety...I don't want to say that Christians were more trustworthy then, but the percentage of Christians you could trust to be earnestly seeking God's Will, seemed a lot higher. Gee I'm sending this off topic I fear.

You are right to be concerned about his motives and her vulnerability.

 

[Knee V]

If the woman and her child are the only ones who come, and it is just the three of them, then it does not matter what is going in. It is entirely inappropriate. If her husband comes along as well, then that is an entirely different matter. Also, if the woman and her child go alone and the pastor is not there, that is different as well.

A pastor needs to be above reproach in his actions. Having a woman to stay at his house when they are the only two adults is something that should not happen, no matter how innocent the stay is. When it comes to the church's reputation, perception is reality.

 

[TravelerFarAwayFromHome]

A pastor I know invites his parishoners to spend the weekend at his country home. He is divorced (not by choice). The woman (and her kid) who he often invites is married but having ongoing marital problems ( husband is unbeliever). Even if this situation is 100% innocent, this doesn't feel right to me. What do you say?

firstly, i would refrain from jumping to conclusions and talk to others about one's unfounded suspicion.

by doing so you would be guilty of the sin of slandering.

since you are not certain what is going on

my advice to you would be to think along two lines

first, how can you help your fellow brother and sister in Christ

in this case, the pastor and this woman

secondly, how will your behavior impact on the unity of body of Christ, this is why i say do not share your unfounded suspicion, you will only damage others reputation not to mention stir up dissension within the church

the best way to do it would be to pull one of them ( depending on who you know better, and think would be more receptive) aside, alone, and share your concern with him/her

also it is a good idea to pray it about first, ask God to give you the wisdom on how to best approach, and a heart of concern,not judgement ( they are still your brother and sister in Christ)

also pray for the situation.

hope that helps.

 

[HIS Geeky Girl]

A pastor I know invites his parishoners to spend the weekend at his country home. He is divorced (not by choice). The woman (and her kid) who he often invites is married but having ongoing marital problems ( husband is unbeliever). Even if this situation is 100% innocent, this doesn't feel right to me. What do you say?

Umm, HECK NO, a single (divorced) man does not invite a still-married woman (or women) to his home for a weekend! NO, NO, and NO. Especially a pastor, a man in a position of influence and scrutiny. What is that telling the kids, too? "It's perfectly normal for a man to have women hanging out at his house for the weekend, even if they aren't married". Ugh... even thinking about it gives me the heebie jeebies. I would be out of that church ASAP.