Ouch!!! Please pray for my family.

[Sophrosyne]

I have come across people in my life I call..... "people pleasers". These people treat you very well until they know you accept and care for them and that is set in stone. The next thing they do when that happens is to stop paying as much attention to you and find the next person to please. It isn't until they realize you are going to drop them and are displeased that they give you more than the time of day. They do not seem interested in a steady relationship of continuing growing and nurtering but instead look for a quick fix from those they can "win" to them. Perhaps it is almost a game... like ok I got this person on my side...... next!. I have noticed that people pleasers only value your opinion when they are trying to win you over, once they realize that is done.... the next person on their please list opinions are valued over yours. These people have problems with self esteem.. or self image of themselves and it doesn't stop until they realize and are taught this is destructive. Some of these people pleasers can be very outgoing and friendly...... IF.... you are not an already "pleased" friend. If you are they can be irritating because while you are around them they give more attention to everyone BUT you.

Dunno if this is your wife or not but sounds kind of like it. My guess is people pleasers have suffered abuse in childhood by peers so much their shattered self image is but patchwork.

 

[Countrygirl1976]

I will pray for you and your family. May God Bless you and your family.

 

[Splayd]

It's been another interesting day. In the last 24hrs she's reached out to a couple of christian friends she hasn't been in touch with for months who have informed me that she really has agreed not to contact the other man. Yesterday she made an appointment to talk with one of the elder's wives to talk about her relationship with God. Immediately after that appointment she came to talk to me. Given the recent developments I was open to what she had to say and heard her out.

I almost wish I hadn't. She's taken on board the advice I gave her earlier: ie: Right now she needs to come back to God. When she's healthier she'll be able to be the mother she needs to be and after that she might be in a position to be worry about any other relationship with me or the other guy. Right now it's all backwards. Forget me. Forget him. Get you right with God.

She's trying to do it... but only on her terms. She's recognised that she does need God... BUT she also realises that coming back to God means letting go of the other man and she isn't prepared to do that yet. She's waiting out the 3 months agreed silence and then seeing whether he still wants her and then deciding if she will go back to God. It's insane and so very wrong. I told her that it doesn't work like that but she said for now she's gonna touch base with God and "have a few coffees" with Him but if she's forced to choose between Him and the other man... she thinks she'd choose the other man, so she doesn't want to have to be rushed into that decision. To my understanding that means she's already made that decision anyway. She's now trying to treat God the way she's been treating me - string Him along as a safety net, backup plan. Clearly God's not going to be party to that, just as I should never have been.

She says her immediate goal is to use this 3 months to sort out who she is and what she's doing without worrying about these relationships... BUT she also says that when the time is up she's planning on reuniting with the other guy and starting a proper relationship. They'll never marry though, so it doesn't matter whether or not I divorce her. They'll just be "life partners". I've told her that I will be filing for divorce as soon as the proper time has passed (6 more months) and asked her, out of respect to our kids and our 16 years of marriage, to wait until then to recommence the sexual relationship. She said she could agree to 3 months but once they're back in touch, she can't offer any assurances. I explained again that I can't support her in this and that it's not appropriate to come over to talk to me as long as this relationship continues whether or not it's only in the heart. She agreed and said she'd see me at church tomorrow though as she hadn't been for months and wanted to say goodbye to everyone.

I rang the elders after she left and informed them she was planning on coming to church. I'm concerned about how this will play out but I'm trying to hand it over to God. It's not like I've any control over that situation now. Please pray for wisdom for the church leaders.

Peace

 

[Splayd]

Is this being televised because it sure feels like I'm a living a soap opera.

Church was crazy. My wife came to my house 30 mins before hand and asked if she could come with us. I was taken aback and told her I wouldn't be able to do that. I suggested that as long as she was holding onto this other married man from the church I wasn't sure that she should come at all, let alone sit with me and the kids. She stormed off in a rage, while I left with the kids to go to church.

30 mins later she arrived. The service had already started as she stormed in through the doors, with fury and defiance all over her face and started to make her way from the front of the church to the back row. Before she reached her destination, one of the mature christian women in the church took her aside, put her arm around her and walked her out the back door to have a chat. It was horrible. Everyone was looking at me, at each other, at the back door. I just wanted to hide.

By the time the service was over I was ready to go and I grabbed the kids and made my way to the car park. My wife had subsequently made her way there too and was talkinnng some elders and their wives. Their were tears flowing and she was raising her voice and gesturing wildly. Walking the kids past the scene and into the car was painful.

I went home and contemplated the scene, wondering, hoping that the elders had dealt with it appropriately. I began reflecting about the marriage and regretting I'd been so quiet for so long. I considered the toll the secrets had had on my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health. I wondered if things might have been different if only I'd spoken up earlier and sought help. I lamented the manipulation and control I'd asserted to try to keep the marriage together and repented agin for not giving this problem to God earlier.

It was at that time I was struck with the most horrible feeling. It was like someone had hit me in the gut with a 4X4. That wasn't the only secret I'd kept. I had my own secrets too - secrets that I'd kept from my wife, secrets that had been undermining and eating away at our marriage for years and years. They were so dark and so deep that I'd been trying to keep them hidden from even myself. I recalled 3 specific events I'd never faced, never confessed, never repented of. 15 years ago I'd stolen a significant sum of money from my parents to buy a bed. A year later I'd let myself get a lot closer to a female friend than I'd ever admitted to and... as recently as 11 years ago I'd had a one night stand of my own while I was out of town. I'd hated myself for it and couldn't face it. I simply tried to pretend it didn't happen. We didn't know each other and wouldn't meet again. Noone would ever find out and there were enough problems at home without bringing this into the mix. I chose to suppress it and hoped I'd forget it. For the most part I think I really did. It was a shock to have it come to my mind again anyway and I fell down with the pain and anguish of the realisation of what I'd done.

For 15 years I'd let some massive sins stay hidden. I'd taken them into my marriage, my family and the work I'd been doing for God. I'd just let them sit there festering away while they undermined everything that was important in my life. It wasn't until I'd reached a point that I'd lost my wife that the enormity of it hit me. It wasn't simply that I'd sinned 15 years ago or 11 years ago. I was sinning every moment of every day that I was hiding it.

My wife came over to talk after church. She was shook up about her experience that morning and wanted to clear some things between us. I sat her down and apologised. I confessed that there were secrets I'd carried the whole time. What's more I'd demanded honesty and trust from her all along. I'd been all too happy to shine my halo while pointing the finger at her mess. I was a hypocrite, a manipulator, a liar and a cheat. She certainly contributed to the mess of our marriage, but I'd effectively killed it long ago. I cried as I confessed the secrets and she stormed off in a rage.

I went to talk to the minister about it all, but when I got close I saw my wife's car was already there. I was glad that that was where she'd taken this. I was worried about what it might do to her but she deserved to know. She deserved to know 11 years ago.

I'm embarrassed but so very relieved to be free of it after all these years. I hate that it's hurt my wife so much. I hate that it's hurt me so much for all these years, whether or not I'd recognised the damage... but I'm thankful that God's continuing the work of restoration in my life through this time.

Please pray for me as I learn to face who I've been, that God might lead me to be who He's called me to be.

Please pray for my wife as she deals with my junk from the past. Pray that amidst the pain and confusion in her life, this might truly be an opportunity for her to reach out to Him as well.

Please continue to pray for the kids who are such incredible blessings despite their parents shortcomings and failures. Pray that God will keep them safe amidst the turbulence and intensity of the chaos around them at the moment. They really don't deserve any of this.

 

[Sophrosyne]

Sounds like things will get interesting from now on. I suspect you letting go of your baggage (hidden sins) will have an effect on your wife as they are hers too through spiritual bonds of marriage. I don't expect her to suddenly become a different person but it may help breaking down strongholds in her life that can help give her the desire to live for Christ she didn't have before. It may well be she continues on the path she is already on as old habits are hard to break. Be prepared to continue on as if nothing will change and don't be overly eager to accept any sign happening as absolute. Trust in God but test things as he told us to with spiritual discernment also ask for advice from trusted Godly people familiar with such problems as you are facing. My prayers to you both for a new life in Christ however that ends up being.

 

[Gazelle]

 

[JDIBe]

(Never mind)

 

[razzelflabben]

I thank the Lord for giving you peace, strength. and courage.

May the Lord grant you continued peace, strength and courage as you unravel the sins of the past and strive for the purpose He has created for you.

 

[constance]

Splayd, does your wife love herself?

 

[Splayd]

Well - I've been away for a little bit. It was good for me, but I fear it was disasterous for the kids. Whatever the case, the way forward is clear to everyone now.

Let me back track a little. By the time I'd finished my last post nearly 2 weeks ago, half the town was aware of my secrets. My wife wasted no time telling anyone and everyone, including the kids. Surprisingly, I was fine with that. It was actually a relief to have them out in the open. For the first time in a long time I really felt free. Regardless, it was messy. Why wouldn't it be though - sin always is and always has consequences. For the most part, the church was extremely supportive and were actually encouraged by my confession. To them it was evidence that God was at work in me.

My wife took the news very very hard. She was a complete mess and talked about killing herself. I came home that night and found what I thought was a whole heap of blood in the shower. I knew that my wife had been in the house while we were out and I was concerned. I tried contacting her several times but wasn't getting a response. The kids started trying to contact her and she eventually responded to them with a text message "I'm OK. Can't tell you where I am or what I'm doing though." My eldest daughter was hysterical and pleaded with her mother to come and pick her up so they could talk and to prove she was OK. After some time she agreed and my wife and eldest daughter went out for a coffee together.

I was shocked when my daughter arrived home a couple of hours later. "Dad, I want you to consider moving out for 2 weeks." She said. I really wasn't expecting that, but maybe I should've. She explained that her mother was so thrown by it all that she was confused about everything except her need to return to God and to be the mother she needed to be. Her request was to move home for a couple of weeks to try to focus on those 2 things. My eldest daughter had said she'd like to have a mum again and applied the condition that her mother have NO contact with the other man during her stay with them. I was really uncomfortable about the whole thing and while I saw it could be a positive, I suspected the whole thing would just be a big mess that hurt the kids even more.

I sat down with the kids and discussed the situation with them. I expressed my concerns and told them I really didn't think it was a good idea. In turn, they expressed their desire to have their mum back and their need to give her a chance. My eldest explained that if she was there, they wouldn't have to worry about what she was doing. Try as I may, I couldn't get her to understand that it's not her job to parent her mother. I agreed to pray about it though and to make a final decision in the morning. After all, we were only commiting to 2 weeks and after that we'd evaluate the situation and consider what to do next.

The next morning, nothing was any clearer to me. My instinct was still to refuse the arrangement, but my daughters explained that they also needed a break from me. As much as they'd appreciated all that I'd done throughout the last 6 months and as good as I'd been, they could see that I wasn't coping as well lately and that was stressing them too. They wanted me to have some time out of it all to refresh and they needed that too... so I reluctantly agreed.

The next 8 days actually were a wonderful time of refreshing for me. I took time of work and just spent my days in prayer and study. I took the opportunity to start exercising more regularly and looking after my health across the board. I can't begin to explain just how much God really did bless me over those days. It really was a retreat I needed. In the meantime, the kids were enjoying the time with their mother. It wasn't exactly quality time and there wasn't any real discussion, but just seeing their mother on a daily basis felt comfortable to them. My wife was also spending the time in prayer and study, which was something she hadn't done in months. I began to wonder whether this was exactly what was needed for everyone after all. Despite what happened next, I still do.

A couple of days ago, my children caught her out. She'd been in constant communication with him the whole time she was there. What's more, she was already planning her next trip to visit him. They were devastated. I rushed home to see what was going on. My 12yr old son couldn't handle it had already gone to visit one of my sisters for support. My 14yr old daughter had also left to visit my other sister and my 15yr old daughter had gone for a walk to sort things through. My wife explained that she would return with a decision as to whether or not she'd be allowed to stay for the rest of the 2 weeks.

I wasn't about to let my daughter carry the burden of that decision, so I saught her out and asked her how she was feeling about it all. After discussing it with her and the others, I made the decision. I informed my wife that the kids felt like she'd chosen this other man over them. I explained that they felt betrayed and that she had 24hrs to try to smooth things out with them before I'd return and she'd have to leave.

Not content with the opportunity to smooth things over with the kids, she proceeded to lash out at them verbally, insisting that her love-life was none of their business and she wasn't gonna be told what to do by a bunch of teenagers. It really got very ugly and then she left. I've returned to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess. I can only assume my wife's gone to be with the other man, though it's really not my concern any more. As it stands, the kids have determined that they don't want to have anything at all to do with their mother until she repents of the affair. They love her, miss her and desperately want her in their lives, but they can't trust her and won't support what she's doing.

My wife's agreed that I should maintain sole custody of the eldest 3. I've also asked for custody of our 2 year old. For now, she's agreed to 50/50 custody. For anything more than that I'll need to take it through the legal system. I'm prayerfully considering that.

Looking back on it all, I'm still not sure how I feel about this last week and a bit. I think in some ways it's been an opportunity for the kids to let go. As much as this whole mess must be leaving some horrible scars for the kids, I wonder if they needed this to let go and really start moving on themselves. I don't know, but I know that more than ever they really need a lot of prayer and support. I wonder if the rollercoaster ride will ever stop for my wife, but I feel it has for me and the kids in some way now. We've got a lot of healing ahead of us. For me, it's already started. I'm hoping for the kids, it starts now.

Peace

 

[Sophrosyne]

Sounds sad but probably one of those types of situations where you either pick up the pieces now or later when they are worse. I don't think your past had little to do with her long term decision, I think had you not told about it she would have done exactly the same thing later instead of sooner so in a sense it may be a hollow blessing it is done now instead of months perhaps years of this charade of hers. I guess now the children know all the truth. Kids are not completely stupid they can sense something is wrong and unless the parents are very smart and very careful they will know everything in awhile. I feel sorry for this guy she is seeing, he will in a year or three be just another notch on her whatever.... as she moves on to the next one while making him another you in her mind.

Keep your eyes on God..... and leave her to him. Be kind but unmovable in your decisions. Don't let emotions enter into them if you do, ask for advice from someone you can trust as you will probably have trouble as long as she wants the kids attention you will not be free of what causes all this completely.

 

[Splayd]

The other guy's already a mess of confusion. He spent 3 hours on the phone to the minister while I was staying there. He's already trying to sort the truth from the lies and unravel the vulnerability from the manipulation. Unfortunately he's just so messed up and caught up in it all that he can't quite see how trapped he is.

To his mind, everyone's always failed my wife, especially me and the kids. He thinks he's the only one that can help her and finally lead her to Christ. It's all quite sick and twisted really but such is the nature of sin.

Scared that she's finally lost her fallback family (us), she's actually been surprisingly nice today and looked for any and every opportunity to initiate contact. I've entertained these communications throughout the last 6 months and looked for hope in them. Today I've put that to an end. I've explained that unless it's about our youngest son, I simply can't continue to communicate with her. I'll continue to pray for her, but that's all I can do for her now. It's sad and it's hard to let go, but I see that it really is what I need to do.

 

[Sophrosyne]

If she is lying and manipulating others........ she need professional help. someone that is indifferent to emotions and not sympathetic to lies and able to search for the cause underneath it all not the game on top but whatever pushed her to this type of thinking and how to change that from the foundation. A house built on sand.... or lies or sin or whatever...... isn't one God will live in, when he moves in it is clean house or not..... may take awhile but someone following Christ tends to lose more and more of their sinful nature..... not get more sinful.

 

[JDIBe]

A wise man once said...

People in love cannot be moved by kindness,
And opposition makes them feel like martyrs.

I find it kind of sad that this guy claims you and your family have failed her, while he is now failing his wife and kids as well. I don't see how anyone could be led back to God by any of this. I know a middle-aged lady at church whose husband left her to pursue "greener pastures", I suppose. It broke her kind, little heart.

If people would stop and think about all the misery and destruction they are causing when they have affairs, I think they would make better choices. Unfortunately, when one is "in love", rational thinking is often absent. I've seen people "in love" do cruel things to others that they would never consider doing otherwise. They would be shocked and horrified if they saw someone else do the same thing. I hope he finally wakes up someday. (But that is not your problem. That would be his.)

I find it particularly telling that your wife is not pursuing custody for all the children, just the newest, latest "toy". Expect your children to have to work through that issue at some point in the future.

"Being in love" can be a great thing. But setting "being in love at the expense of everyone else around you" up on a pedestal as the ultimate in goodness and human achievement can be horribly destructive. In the end, it is not "good" or even "love" at all. It is just "selfishness" in a beautifully wrapped package...

 

[Sophrosyne]

1 Corinthians 13 (New American Standard Bible)

The Excellence of Love

1If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
3And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
9For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
10but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
11When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
13But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

That pretty much sums up what love is, not what most think about fleeting emotion and selfishness which..... doesn't last. I was caught up in feelings over a woman at one time and thought I was in love and she wasn't interested. It was when I finally felt I should see what God says love is that I found this and knew it wasn't love but great desire because I put my needs over hers in my mind. I thought I was best for her not wanting her to have the best God wanted and willing to end up alone. It is when you give up to God. that love starts and it is an eternal love with him, not a notch on a bedpost....

 

[Splayd]

I messed up! Please pray for the kids. This whole thing is just so ugly and I fell apart last night.

My wife was sending me messages after I asked her to stop. They were basicaly saying that she couldn't lose me too etc... Sure - much worse has happened throughout this and I thought I was coping well, but for some reason I fell apart with this. I responded by going to the pub and having a few drinks.

When I arrived home my wife was there to drop off my youngest son so she could go and stay the night with the other guy. I was livid but kept calm while she talked to me. She explained that I've been the only one who's always been there for her and that if things didn't work out with the other guy, she'd like to hope that maybe some time down the track the two of us might have another go at our marriage etc... Even though I thought I was calm, there was a moment where I just lost it all and in a split second of rage, I punched the windscreen of her car, which proceeded to smash to pieces. All the neighbours came running out and someone called the police. The kids were a complete mess. They don't know what to do now.

As it turns out, my wife didn't press charges, but I'm so ashamed about it all. I've never been a violent man and I'm shocked that that came out. I'm just trying to work through that now. This whole thing is just a nightmare.

 

[crawfish]

Dude...you need to tell her it's over. Forever. Tell her if she left the guy tomorrow and promised that she'd never see him again for the rest of the life that you still wouldn't want her. Tell her that after the divorce you probably won't date immediately, but eventually you will probably look for someone else to fill that void in your life. And it won't be her.

Make her understand that you aren't her backup parachute. If she's jumping into this relationship, she's risking it all on him. I know this sounds harsh and ungodly, and it sounds like you're pushing her away, and in a way you are - but she is harmful to you and your children and you need to get used to life without her now.

Good luck with all this. I'll continue to pray for an easing of your pain, and for your children. I do understand this better than you might think - I won't go into it because people I know post here - but I do know somebody very close to me who went through a very similar situation. Staying strong for your children is the best thing you can do for them - and for yourself.

And, as hard as it is, forgive your wife. It's more for you than it is for her.

 

[Bananna]

I am sooooo sorry.
I will pray for you to have wisdom. I feel like going into a disertation of all the scriptures that should have been applied more timely. I hope God shows you when you are ready so you might help others avoid this sort of painful situation.

There would have been a clear release had we lived in biblical times, but you will still be dealing with the heartache and raising the children, the stigma of divorce. Healing from the wounds. I'm saying a prayer right now brother.

I hope you will have a year of blessings sent from God to ease your way and healing.

I hope you will consider courtship/betrothal Model, next time around.

Bananna

 

[Splayd]

Yeah. My stance has moved from - I can't have any communication with you while the relationship with the other guy is going on... to - I can't have anything more to do with you. Even with matters concerning the kids I'd like to communicate through a 3rd party where possible. It's just too hard if she's going to keep using opportunities to try and string me along.

Part of the challenge for me is that I really don't believe in remarriage. I know my understanding is offensive to a lot of people who are in 2nd marriages, but it's what I see in scripture. Perhaps I'm wrong though and I'd love to be shown if i've missed something.

As it stands I feel like I'm just stuck with an unfaithful wife who's never coming back and I can't have another relationship again.

 

[Bananna]

I don't personally believe in remarriage either. It was permitted for the hardness of the heart. Men who refused to love their wifes or wanted children and their wife had none. Those issues remember were minor non death penalty issues.

The exception was fornication according to Yeshua. A woman found to be not a virgin before marriage. This points to a death penalty issue. It would not likely be inforced.

I can't imagine wanting to be married again after such a hard expience.

You can study it more next year when you have had time to heal and get past some of the hurt. God uses all things for good for those who truly love God and are called according to his purpose.

Bananna