Ouch!!! Please pray for my family.
- Thread starter Splayd
- Start date
Hey Splayed,
Just read all nine pages tonight. I'm very sorry about what your family is going through. I'm glad to hear your son will be (or has been by now) baptized. That's at least some positive news.
I studied on the whole marriage/divorce/remarriage issue back in 2000 when a family member I knew revealed an affair had gone on for two years while married. It was a complete shock and blow to me as this was someone I looked up to-
Come to find out, It started as an emotional affair -an affair of the heart, but no less real. That relationship enabled the feelings toward the spouse to die and feelings toward the other to grow. A separation occurred as the angry fed up spouse kicked out the unfaithful spouse. The unfaithful spouse proceeded to file for divorce and got engaged and then married 9 months later to the one the affair was with.
In short, their never was true repentance -a turning away from the sin of the heart- to give the marriage a real chance to heal and start over. The adulterous relationship was made permanent in a marriage covenant and the extended family is still hurting because of this.
From what I read I found that God hates divorce because of what it does to the children. (Malachi) I've seen the ripple effects on my own parents lives. On my father's side: all of his children have no relationship with the Lord today. He has grandchildren that have such mixed up lives and now great grandchildren that are suffering from multiple divorces of parents and absent grandparents.
It all breaks my heart.
I know you have been through a lot. You sound like a man with a very compassionate heart. Be very careful to avoid being codependent (emotionally) with your wife's addiction to this need she must fill. She may never truly come to see her fault and need to recover with real professional help, but the only way she'll consider it is if you put your feet down and not give her what she wants from you -emotional support.
For healthy reasons you must keep a distance emotionally, in other words, don't talk to her beyond the needs of the kids. Keep it business like. You are not to be her shoulder to cry on or her best friend. Be a strong example for your kids in this. Your remaining faithful to your vows: "till death do us part" does not mean you have to listen to her go on about her dating relationships or lack thereof.
Your kids will respect your choices if you show them the scriptures you are learning and keep speaking truth to them. Don't make excuses, apologize, or try to right any wrongs of your wife. Don't get in the middle any more between them and her emotionally. Just be YOU their dad to them. Be there for them as yourself, not as her. You can't speak for her. She needs to do that.
God can heal wounds when the kids see one faithful parent along with a healthy church that provides other healthy examples of marriages that are going the distance. Its hard to find those these days. But you be who you need to be before God and they can admire that in you and trust God more because of your faithful example.
May God bring you joy for trusting him during the hardest times of your life. Where you have a void, may he fill it with his peace and his perspective. Life is short in the long haul and we all have to give an account to God for the life that we lived.
By the way, I agree with your stance on remarriage because of my own research long ago. (Romans 7 and 1 Cor 7 were key chapters for me) Explains why the disciples thought it was better "not to marry" (in the first place) because of this. But I know not everyone sees it this way.
Oh...just a thought, I wonder if your wife has ever had people approach her like it says re: if your brother/sister is in a sin you should...go show the fault etc...explaining from the bible gently why this is sin and also the punishment for continuing in such sin. As God is not mocked...a man/woman reaps what is sown. Such that continue in this way will not inherit the kingdom. Sometimes putting the "fear of God" back into a person wakes them up, if they truly had faith to begin with. As here is the alternative:
Isaiah 26:10
Though grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness; even in a land of uprightness they go on doing evil and regard not the majesty of the LORD.
Just a thought. I have done research on the verses that could be shared in this case. To save you time, PM me if you want the list. You can pass it off to your minister who could use some appropriate ones gently and see what comes of it if you want.
She should be warned about not just the repercussions in this life, but also in the next. Perhaps a godly woman or two can help her see it. God holds the church accountable for this:
Ezekiel 3:18
When I say to a wicked man, 'You will surely die,' and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for [a] his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. 19 But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself.
20 "Again, when a righteous man turns from his righteousness and does evil, and I put a stumbling block before him, he will die. Since you did not warn him, he will die for his sin. The righteous things he did will not be remembered, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. 21 But if you do warn the righteous man not to sin and he does not sin, he will surely live because he took warning, and you will have saved yourself."
I just noticed how long this is. I almost deleted it, but since its for your eyes really, well...I guess I will leave it to you.
Hang in there with Christ. May God give you discernment and good judgement in all this and may he keep gaining the victory with your kids. Trust God for the strength to get through the tough times ahead and keep coming back here to your CF family for support and encouragement and prayer.
Workman
Just read all nine pages tonight. I'm very sorry about what your family is going through. I'm glad to hear your son will be (or has been by now) baptized. That's at least some positive news.
I studied on the whole marriage/divorce/remarriage issue back in 2000 when a family member I knew revealed an affair had gone on for two years while married. It was a complete shock and blow to me as this was someone I looked up to-
Come to find out, It started as an emotional affair -an affair of the heart, but no less real. That relationship enabled the feelings toward the spouse to die and feelings toward the other to grow. A separation occurred as the angry fed up spouse kicked out the unfaithful spouse. The unfaithful spouse proceeded to file for divorce and got engaged and then married 9 months later to the one the affair was with.
In short, their never was true repentance -a turning away from the sin of the heart- to give the marriage a real chance to heal and start over. The adulterous relationship was made permanent in a marriage covenant and the extended family is still hurting because of this.
From what I read I found that God hates divorce because of what it does to the children. (Malachi) I've seen the ripple effects on my own parents lives. On my father's side: all of his children have no relationship with the Lord today. He has grandchildren that have such mixed up lives and now great grandchildren that are suffering from multiple divorces of parents and absent grandparents.
It all breaks my heart.
I know you have been through a lot. You sound like a man with a very compassionate heart. Be very careful to avoid being codependent (emotionally) with your wife's addiction to this need she must fill. She may never truly come to see her fault and need to recover with real professional help, but the only way she'll consider it is if you put your feet down and not give her what she wants from you -emotional support.
For healthy reasons you must keep a distance emotionally, in other words, don't talk to her beyond the needs of the kids. Keep it business like. You are not to be her shoulder to cry on or her best friend. Be a strong example for your kids in this. Your remaining faithful to your vows: "till death do us part" does not mean you have to listen to her go on about her dating relationships or lack thereof.
Your kids will respect your choices if you show them the scriptures you are learning and keep speaking truth to them. Don't make excuses, apologize, or try to right any wrongs of your wife. Don't get in the middle any more between them and her emotionally. Just be YOU their dad to them. Be there for them as yourself, not as her. You can't speak for her. She needs to do that.
God can heal wounds when the kids see one faithful parent along with a healthy church that provides other healthy examples of marriages that are going the distance. Its hard to find those these days. But you be who you need to be before God and they can admire that in you and trust God more because of your faithful example.
May God bring you joy for trusting him during the hardest times of your life. Where you have a void, may he fill it with his peace and his perspective. Life is short in the long haul and we all have to give an account to God for the life that we lived.
By the way, I agree with your stance on remarriage because of my own research long ago. (Romans 7 and 1 Cor 7 were key chapters for me) Explains why the disciples thought it was better "not to marry" (in the first place) because of this. But I know not everyone sees it this way.
Oh...just a thought, I wonder if your wife has ever had people approach her like it says re: if your brother/sister is in a sin you should...go show the fault etc...explaining from the bible gently why this is sin and also the punishment for continuing in such sin. As God is not mocked...a man/woman reaps what is sown. Such that continue in this way will not inherit the kingdom. Sometimes putting the "fear of God" back into a person wakes them up, if they truly had faith to begin with. As here is the alternative:
Isaiah 26:10
Though grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness; even in a land of uprightness they go on doing evil and regard not the majesty of the LORD.
Just a thought. I have done research on the verses that could be shared in this case. To save you time, PM me if you want the list. You can pass it off to your minister who could use some appropriate ones gently and see what comes of it if you want.
She should be warned about not just the repercussions in this life, but also in the next. Perhaps a godly woman or two can help her see it. God holds the church accountable for this:
Ezekiel 3:18
When I say to a wicked man, 'You will surely die,' and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for [a] his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. 19 But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself.
20 "Again, when a righteous man turns from his righteousness and does evil, and I put a stumbling block before him, he will die. Since you did not warn him, he will die for his sin. The righteous things he did will not be remembered, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. 21 But if you do warn the righteous man not to sin and he does not sin, he will surely live because he took warning, and you will have saved yourself."
I just noticed how long this is. I almost deleted it, but since its for your eyes really, well...I guess I will leave it to you.
Hang in there with Christ. May God give you discernment and good judgement in all this and may he keep gaining the victory with your kids. Trust God for the strength to get through the tough times ahead and keep coming back here to your CF family for support and encouragement and prayer.
Workman
Upvote
0
- Apr 26, 2005
- 6,969
- 447
- Faith
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Constitution
yay I'm so glad to hear your son is turning to God... may it continue to be a blessing to you.
bananna
bananna
Upvote
0
I just found this site again after more than 9 years away. I'd forgotten just how hard those few months were and the comfort I found in sharing it with you here. I was posting some very intense and personal stuff. It was such a tumultuous time. I really felt like I was losing my mind at times. At other times I felt such clarity and peace in Christ.
I don't know if any of you that responded are still here but I wanted to round out this episode of my life for anyone that might stumble upon it and read it. Months later my marriage did finish. It got even harder for me before it got better though. In that short time I was mugged while walking the streets one night and beaten quite badly. I was kicked out of the house we were renting because it was going on the market. I lost my promotion at work because of how the stress of it all was impacting my work and my wife had taken half of our assets, while refusing to pay half of the significant debt I'd been stuck with. It was just horrible. I left church as I felt my dramas and the gossip surrounding them was becoming a distraction for others and something I couldn't face any more. I remember saying that while I still believed in God, I was no longer sure He still believed in me. It was a new low for me and I'd almost given up on life. My children were the only reason I was getting up every morning. She was pregnant to the other man by now, although he abandoned her not long after. She wanted 50% custody of our children and 3 of them were prepared to give her a chance. Our eldest was resisting, but I asked her to do it for me. I figured she was going to be her mum forever and she should at least try to reconcile that relationship. If it didn't work out I wouldn't force any of them to stay.
The first night without any of my children at home broke me. I went to the pub and started drinking and throwing my pay into the poker machines. I was an empty, self-indulgent, broken mess. I figured I wouldn't know anyone there and even if I did, I felt invisible, sitting in my chair, drinking, smoking, gambling in the dark. Late into the night, one of the young barmaids approached me. "I think I know you. Aren't you a priest?"
"No, not quite. I did use to preach though." I replied meekly.
"I thought so. You're better than this." I was quite taken aback. The last thing I expected when I left the house was that the barmaid would tell me I shouldn't be there. At the end of the night she asked me to walk her to her car as there were a few undesirable elements eying her off at the bar. As we walked, we talked. I shared my story. She shared hers. If I thought I'd had a tough run, hers made mine appear insignificant by comparison. Through rape and abuse from adult men, she'd found herself living alone with 2 children by the time she was 18. Every day since, she'd been getting up for them, determined to do whatever she could to give them a better life than the one she'd known. She'd heard me preach a couple of times at big events and had wanted to respond to God but didn't think she'd be accepted in the church. I agreed to catch up with her again and talk more.
Our weekly catchups soon became the highlight of each others weeks as we helped bring each other back to God and out of the pit we'd each found ourselves in. What started as a gentle rebuke from the barmaid gradually developed into an amazing friendship of mutual support and then into the great romance of my life. I struggled for a while with the whole idea of whether I could even have another relationship since my divorce, but I found peace with it and we've been married for 8 years and have another child together. I don't know how or why it all happened and it's certainly not what I expected, but somewhere in God's grace and mercy, he blessed us with each other. It feels like every day since has been better than any day before. My eldest children have since left home. One has married and blessed me with 3 grandchildren. Another has gone into ministry. We found ourselves back in a new church and have grown so much together and in Him.
God is good.
I don't know if any of you that responded are still here but I wanted to round out this episode of my life for anyone that might stumble upon it and read it. Months later my marriage did finish. It got even harder for me before it got better though. In that short time I was mugged while walking the streets one night and beaten quite badly. I was kicked out of the house we were renting because it was going on the market. I lost my promotion at work because of how the stress of it all was impacting my work and my wife had taken half of our assets, while refusing to pay half of the significant debt I'd been stuck with. It was just horrible. I left church as I felt my dramas and the gossip surrounding them was becoming a distraction for others and something I couldn't face any more. I remember saying that while I still believed in God, I was no longer sure He still believed in me. It was a new low for me and I'd almost given up on life. My children were the only reason I was getting up every morning. She was pregnant to the other man by now, although he abandoned her not long after. She wanted 50% custody of our children and 3 of them were prepared to give her a chance. Our eldest was resisting, but I asked her to do it for me. I figured she was going to be her mum forever and she should at least try to reconcile that relationship. If it didn't work out I wouldn't force any of them to stay.
The first night without any of my children at home broke me. I went to the pub and started drinking and throwing my pay into the poker machines. I was an empty, self-indulgent, broken mess. I figured I wouldn't know anyone there and even if I did, I felt invisible, sitting in my chair, drinking, smoking, gambling in the dark. Late into the night, one of the young barmaids approached me. "I think I know you. Aren't you a priest?"
"No, not quite. I did use to preach though." I replied meekly.
"I thought so. You're better than this." I was quite taken aback. The last thing I expected when I left the house was that the barmaid would tell me I shouldn't be there. At the end of the night she asked me to walk her to her car as there were a few undesirable elements eying her off at the bar. As we walked, we talked. I shared my story. She shared hers. If I thought I'd had a tough run, hers made mine appear insignificant by comparison. Through rape and abuse from adult men, she'd found herself living alone with 2 children by the time she was 18. Every day since, she'd been getting up for them, determined to do whatever she could to give them a better life than the one she'd known. She'd heard me preach a couple of times at big events and had wanted to respond to God but didn't think she'd be accepted in the church. I agreed to catch up with her again and talk more.
Our weekly catchups soon became the highlight of each others weeks as we helped bring each other back to God and out of the pit we'd each found ourselves in. What started as a gentle rebuke from the barmaid gradually developed into an amazing friendship of mutual support and then into the great romance of my life. I struggled for a while with the whole idea of whether I could even have another relationship since my divorce, but I found peace with it and we've been married for 8 years and have another child together. I don't know how or why it all happened and it's certainly not what I expected, but somewhere in God's grace and mercy, he blessed us with each other. It feels like every day since has been better than any day before. My eldest children have since left home. One has married and blessed me with 3 grandchildren. Another has gone into ministry. We found ourselves back in a new church and have grown so much together and in Him.
God is good.
Upvote
0
razzelflabben
Contributor
what a beautiful point in the totality of your life. In fact, it encouraged me. Our daughter is running from God because of a rape. God brought a wonderful christian man into her life that showed her the way back to God and to us. They had a falling out and so she is trying to run again but you can tell that her heart wants to come back to God. How encouraging your words are to me today.
May you continue to grow in our Lord and in your relationships. May the Lord's peace be a constant reminder of His healing power over sin.
Upvote
0
