OK (deep breath) here's my deep dark shame that noone's known until now. I couldn't keep my wife.
Our marriage was born from a mistake. If anyone's ever read my testimony on the link - it would be the next chapter. We were both teenage virgins. I was involved heavily in evangelism and youth ministries and she was my girlfriend. One day she put the hard word on me (I know it seems kinda backwards). She said her ex-boyfriend wanted her back and was ready for sex. I was horrified that she'd tell me that, but also scared of losing her. Regardless, it was a seed that was planted in my head and grew from there. Months later i caved in and we had sex. Of course it was wrong. I was overcome with guilt the next day and we confessed our sin and asked for God's forgiveness.
It was too late though. Our first secret sexual sin became a very public one very soon... because she fell pregnant that first time. The church had a public and embarassing meeting about it and I stepped aside from ministry. 3 months later we got married and 3 months after that our first child was born.
In the meantime, my wife's issues with intimacy and rejection were festering away. 2 weeks into our marriage she wrote her ex-boyfriend a letter saying she'd wished whe'd experienced him sexually before getting stuck in a marriage. She confessed that to me and I forgave her.
2 months later I was travelling for work and she rang my boss with the intent of asking him to come over for sex. She chickened out and simply said he had a great smile. She confessed and I forgave her. This sort of thing continued for years. When the internet came along she became invested in online romances. When mobile phones came along she became invested in sms affairs.
Every time I'd find out I'd seek counselling and we'd work it through and I'd think it was fine and then it would flare up again. I was involved in ministry intermittently. When things looked like they were resolved I'd start preaching again and getting invitations to churches and youth groups around the country. When it would come back I'd step down. Noone ever knew why because I simply couldn't tell anyone about my wife's problems. I wanted to protect her and I hoped and prayed that if I loved her enough and for long enough, the marriage would survive.
I kept being asked to be an elder or even the "pastor" of some churches but I kept declining because of this matter... but I did go through periods where I'd preach or run youth groups and was even the frontman of a reasonably successful christian rock band (apologies to the non IMs
)
There was a point some years ago where i was ready to give up on the marriage altogether. I went for a walk and though I hadn't said as much, I decided I wasn't going back. Along the way I started thinking about Hosea and my relationship with God. It occurred to me that my wife wasn't nearly as unfaithful to me as I am to God and yet... every time I come back to God and determined to remain faithful to Him, He accepted me back. How could I not then offer my wife forgiveness when she comes back to me? I decided that if she ever decided to leave me, I'd let her go... BUT if she was sincere in her apology and determined to work on remaining faithful I'd always take her back.
As it turns out, it may have been a foolish decision. I'm too emotionally raw to know right now. Truth is, she kept doing it again and again... until 3 years ago when it stopped. We had another child. I really thought it was all on the improve and that we were going from strength to strength. 5 months ago... from nowhere... she told me she needed to leave the family to work through some personal issues and decide if she could continue our relationship. No reasons ever came out. It was just her inner turmoil. I stepped aside from preaching... again and a nice church family took my wife in while we started working through counselling and I kept the kids at home.
2 months ago she decided to come back... and then changed her mind. 1 month ago she decided to come back for weekends only and see how it goes. The first weekend was beautiful. THEN we didn't hear from her for a week. The following weekend she was totally cold to us. The next weekend she decided not to come back at all. Last weekend, she told me there was no longer a chance at reconciliation.
The next day she informed me and the kids that her and the husband of the lovely church family (a deacon 15 years her senior) had been having an affair since that first weekend. The next day she came home and broke down and begged me to take her back. I decided to take her away for a couple of days away from the kids to see if there was even a chance. It was beautiful... and she was talking about our future and what we'd do next etc... The first day we came back, the other man rang her and asked her to move away with him. She said she was too confused and couldn't choose. This time I made the choice for her. I told her that we could get a divorce in 20 days and if she wasn't my wife, she'd be my ex-wife on that day. The ultimatum drove her back to him and now 2 families are destroyed and the whole church is reeling.
I probably made heaps of mistakes in the way I dealt with it from the first to the last. I don't know and it's not the thing that really matters now. The truth is there are people hurting everywhere. Please pray for my children as no matter how much I reassure them, they feel like their mother abandoned them. Please pray for the other family that are devastated by this betrayal. Please pray for my church as they sort through the wreckage. Please pray for my (estranged) wife that she'll come back to God in a time of chaos. Please also pray for me, that I might have the strength to continue to be the father my children need, the wisdom to act appropriately and the humility to work through this.
Thanks. I know this is a lot more personal than we tend to get here, but I needed to get it out and we all really need your prayers.
Peace
Our marriage was born from a mistake. If anyone's ever read my testimony on the link - it would be the next chapter. We were both teenage virgins. I was involved heavily in evangelism and youth ministries and she was my girlfriend. One day she put the hard word on me (I know it seems kinda backwards). She said her ex-boyfriend wanted her back and was ready for sex. I was horrified that she'd tell me that, but also scared of losing her. Regardless, it was a seed that was planted in my head and grew from there. Months later i caved in and we had sex. Of course it was wrong. I was overcome with guilt the next day and we confessed our sin and asked for God's forgiveness.
It was too late though. Our first secret sexual sin became a very public one very soon... because she fell pregnant that first time. The church had a public and embarassing meeting about it and I stepped aside from ministry. 3 months later we got married and 3 months after that our first child was born.
In the meantime, my wife's issues with intimacy and rejection were festering away. 2 weeks into our marriage she wrote her ex-boyfriend a letter saying she'd wished whe'd experienced him sexually before getting stuck in a marriage. She confessed that to me and I forgave her.
2 months later I was travelling for work and she rang my boss with the intent of asking him to come over for sex. She chickened out and simply said he had a great smile. She confessed and I forgave her. This sort of thing continued for years. When the internet came along she became invested in online romances. When mobile phones came along she became invested in sms affairs.
Every time I'd find out I'd seek counselling and we'd work it through and I'd think it was fine and then it would flare up again. I was involved in ministry intermittently. When things looked like they were resolved I'd start preaching again and getting invitations to churches and youth groups around the country. When it would come back I'd step down. Noone ever knew why because I simply couldn't tell anyone about my wife's problems. I wanted to protect her and I hoped and prayed that if I loved her enough and for long enough, the marriage would survive.
I kept being asked to be an elder or even the "pastor" of some churches but I kept declining because of this matter... but I did go through periods where I'd preach or run youth groups and was even the frontman of a reasonably successful christian rock band (apologies to the non IMs
)There was a point some years ago where i was ready to give up on the marriage altogether. I went for a walk and though I hadn't said as much, I decided I wasn't going back. Along the way I started thinking about Hosea and my relationship with God. It occurred to me that my wife wasn't nearly as unfaithful to me as I am to God and yet... every time I come back to God and determined to remain faithful to Him, He accepted me back. How could I not then offer my wife forgiveness when she comes back to me? I decided that if she ever decided to leave me, I'd let her go... BUT if she was sincere in her apology and determined to work on remaining faithful I'd always take her back.
As it turns out, it may have been a foolish decision. I'm too emotionally raw to know right now. Truth is, she kept doing it again and again... until 3 years ago when it stopped. We had another child. I really thought it was all on the improve and that we were going from strength to strength. 5 months ago... from nowhere... she told me she needed to leave the family to work through some personal issues and decide if she could continue our relationship. No reasons ever came out. It was just her inner turmoil. I stepped aside from preaching... again and a nice church family took my wife in while we started working through counselling and I kept the kids at home.
2 months ago she decided to come back... and then changed her mind. 1 month ago she decided to come back for weekends only and see how it goes. The first weekend was beautiful. THEN we didn't hear from her for a week. The following weekend she was totally cold to us. The next weekend she decided not to come back at all. Last weekend, she told me there was no longer a chance at reconciliation.
The next day she informed me and the kids that her and the husband of the lovely church family (a deacon 15 years her senior) had been having an affair since that first weekend. The next day she came home and broke down and begged me to take her back. I decided to take her away for a couple of days away from the kids to see if there was even a chance. It was beautiful... and she was talking about our future and what we'd do next etc... The first day we came back, the other man rang her and asked her to move away with him. She said she was too confused and couldn't choose. This time I made the choice for her. I told her that we could get a divorce in 20 days and if she wasn't my wife, she'd be my ex-wife on that day. The ultimatum drove her back to him and now 2 families are destroyed and the whole church is reeling.
I probably made heaps of mistakes in the way I dealt with it from the first to the last. I don't know and it's not the thing that really matters now. The truth is there are people hurting everywhere. Please pray for my children as no matter how much I reassure them, they feel like their mother abandoned them. Please pray for the other family that are devastated by this betrayal. Please pray for my church as they sort through the wreckage. Please pray for my (estranged) wife that she'll come back to God in a time of chaos. Please also pray for me, that I might have the strength to continue to be the father my children need, the wisdom to act appropriately and the humility to work through this.
Thanks. I know this is a lot more personal than we tend to get here, but I needed to get it out and we all really need your prayers.
Peace
May the Lord be with you and your family and may He guide you all through this situation. 
