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RoseofLima
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Thanks!!
Bernadette is my little rock star-that picture so captures the essence of her! She is the joy of my heart.
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Bernadette is my little rock star-that picture so captures the essence of her! She is the joy of my heart.
New Creation
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I feel very stuck and scared and like I'm doing everything all wrong.
I really need some help.
I don't want to raise a brat for a kid. I want to do this right. She will be my only child. Things have come very clearly into perspective for me in the past month.
Meaghan is really bright and sweet. She talks a lot, she shares her food, she is inquisitive and funny. She is also determined and very strong. She is 13 months old now and starting to walk. Because of my medical condition right now, I tire easily and can't carry her for any length of time. I also can't play with her like normal etc etc. This will get better with time and I should be back to normal within a month or so.
In the meantime, I feel like I lost so much ground with her during my time in the hospital and the following weeks when I couldn't be there for her properly.
I feel like I have been vacillating about my parenting style for months. I feel like I haven't really made any choices.
Rose, I got that book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and it's all well and good for children who are older and talking, but how in the heck do I get Meaghan to obey me NOW? What do I do when she continually smacks someone? What do I do when she screams for attention or to get her way? What do I do when she pinches? What do I do when she grabs a doll out of another kid's hand? I DON'T KNOW!!!!! We have tried SHOWING her the gentle touches but we haven't had any success yet.
Lloyd and I have a good friend whom we respect very much who has nannied children for about 5 years. He doesn't have children of his own. He has a philosophy on parenting similar to Dr. James Dobson regarding spanking and the like. Our friend differs in that he feels it is important not to ask things that are unreasonable of the child.
We have seriously considered this style of parenting as Meaghan is so strong willed and MAN- has seemed to discover deliberate disobedience lately.
She likes to take the remote control and smack the tv with it. She knows it is a no-no. Today, she picked up the remote, turned and looked at me, narrowed her eyes, turned back around and began to hit the tv with it. I had never seen her be so DELIBERATE in disobedience. It was as though she knew EXACTLY what she was doing and I beleive she did.
However, on an encourging note, I said to her "Meaghan, you know you're not supposed to hit the tv with the remote. YOu could break it. Give mummy the remote now please."
And she turned around and handed it to me.... much to my shock. could it be because I explained it to her?
I, in my heart, would prefer NEVER to spank Meaghan, but I do not want to have an uncontrolled child who is a brat!
However, I don't know how to do this. PERIOD. I really feel lost here.
I have a terrible temper. A terrible temper. I have been out of line with Meaghan on several occassions, including today. I screamed at her to shut up and keep still while I was trying to cut her nails after she had scratched me. She cried as I tried to hold her down and cut her nails.
We've had several occassions like this where mummy is a raving freaking lunatic yelling at baby Meaghan.
I hate myself for this- I can't explain the disgust I feel at myself. I am not a stupid woman but I am acting like an idiot. I have confessed my sins to my husband because I know satan would love to have me keep them secret and fester even more.
I have my mother's poisonous anger as an inheiritance and I am repeating her parenting mistakes.
I have bought this book called "she's gonna blow" which I hope will help me with my anger with Meaghan. I am praying every day. Lloyd is helping me.
The reason I bring this up is because I have to be honest in order to receive any real help. Also, I just don't know if I have the patience or the temperament to be the kind of mother you all seem to be.
Ironically, I was starting to really work on my anger before we lost the baby but I feel like we lost a lot of ground because I am so tired now. I know that when I am tired, I am more suseptible to acting out in anger.
I am a lump of clay. Please help mold me so that I can help mold Meaghan.
I really need some help.
I don't want to raise a brat for a kid. I want to do this right. She will be my only child. Things have come very clearly into perspective for me in the past month.
Meaghan is really bright and sweet. She talks a lot, she shares her food, she is inquisitive and funny. She is also determined and very strong. She is 13 months old now and starting to walk. Because of my medical condition right now, I tire easily and can't carry her for any length of time. I also can't play with her like normal etc etc. This will get better with time and I should be back to normal within a month or so.
In the meantime, I feel like I lost so much ground with her during my time in the hospital and the following weeks when I couldn't be there for her properly.
I feel like I have been vacillating about my parenting style for months. I feel like I haven't really made any choices.
Rose, I got that book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and it's all well and good for children who are older and talking, but how in the heck do I get Meaghan to obey me NOW? What do I do when she continually smacks someone? What do I do when she screams for attention or to get her way? What do I do when she pinches? What do I do when she grabs a doll out of another kid's hand? I DON'T KNOW!!!!! We have tried SHOWING her the gentle touches but we haven't had any success yet.
Lloyd and I have a good friend whom we respect very much who has nannied children for about 5 years. He doesn't have children of his own. He has a philosophy on parenting similar to Dr. James Dobson regarding spanking and the like. Our friend differs in that he feels it is important not to ask things that are unreasonable of the child.
We have seriously considered this style of parenting as Meaghan is so strong willed and MAN- has seemed to discover deliberate disobedience lately.
She likes to take the remote control and smack the tv with it. She knows it is a no-no. Today, she picked up the remote, turned and looked at me, narrowed her eyes, turned back around and began to hit the tv with it. I had never seen her be so DELIBERATE in disobedience. It was as though she knew EXACTLY what she was doing and I beleive she did.
However, on an encourging note, I said to her "Meaghan, you know you're not supposed to hit the tv with the remote. YOu could break it. Give mummy the remote now please."
And she turned around and handed it to me.... much to my shock. could it be because I explained it to her?
I, in my heart, would prefer NEVER to spank Meaghan, but I do not want to have an uncontrolled child who is a brat!
However, I don't know how to do this. PERIOD. I really feel lost here.
I have a terrible temper. A terrible temper. I have been out of line with Meaghan on several occassions, including today. I screamed at her to shut up and keep still while I was trying to cut her nails after she had scratched me. She cried as I tried to hold her down and cut her nails.
We've had several occassions like this where mummy is a raving freaking lunatic yelling at baby Meaghan.
I hate myself for this- I can't explain the disgust I feel at myself. I am not a stupid woman but I am acting like an idiot. I have confessed my sins to my husband because I know satan would love to have me keep them secret and fester even more.
I have my mother's poisonous anger as an inheiritance and I am repeating her parenting mistakes.
I have bought this book called "she's gonna blow" which I hope will help me with my anger with Meaghan. I am praying every day. Lloyd is helping me.
The reason I bring this up is because I have to be honest in order to receive any real help. Also, I just don't know if I have the patience or the temperament to be the kind of mother you all seem to be.
Ironically, I was starting to really work on my anger before we lost the baby but I feel like we lost a lot of ground because I am so tired now. I know that when I am tired, I am more suseptible to acting out in anger.
I am a lump of clay. Please help mold me so that I can help mold Meaghan.
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BIG BIG First off, don't be so hard on yourself! You are still recovering physically and emotionally from traumatic surgery and a devastating loss. Give yourself a break! You're doing great to even be trying to do the right things!!!
Second, it is not that you are doing something wrong that is making Meaghan deliberately defiant. It is fantastic that she is displaying such a healthy, normal emotional and psychological development. If she wasn't seeking boundaries, there would be something wrong. So well done, you have a perfect little daughter!
Now, I'm not Rose and I'm a baby when it comes to GBD, but I'll offer my 2c anyway, for you to take or ignore as you see fit.
Smacking / pinching someone or even screaming: hold her so you are both facing the same way, and you are pinning her arms down. Tell her she can be mad but she can't hit (or similar). When you feel the tension leave her body, give her a face to face hug. See http://aolff.com/ for more suggestions and details on this tactic.
Persevere - 13mo don't learn these things from one day to the next! It will take months (years?) of work... And yes, spanking MAY get quicker results, but with possible very bad side effects, which you don't want, I guess. But then again, if spanking was that successful, why do spanking parents have to keep using that technique? Surely it would 'success' itself out of existence? But it doesn't, which tells us something important, I think.
Taking things form other children is also completely normal. The world still revolves around them, so what the other kid might want or feel barely figures. We are there to teach them how other people feel - but this takes time. Lots of time. Even adults are still selfish sometimes (well, I am). I would ask her to give it back, and if she doesn't tell her you will do it for her, and if she still doesn't take the doll from her and give it to the other child. meaghan will probably get mad, but then, that's life. We can't always get what we want. And it presents a new teaching opportunity, in giving her indiepence and skills to manage that anger and disappointment (see also Rose's other reading suggestion, Crary's Dealing with Disappointment - good for adults too!
As to you getting mad - as I said, don't torture yourself. You're under a lot of physical and emotional stress right now. It will get better. Maybe when you feel yourself getting mad, model how you want meaghan to handle her anger (e.g. by deep breathing, or by walking out of the room to calm down, or hugging herself).
God got really mad at the Israelites deliberate defiance too!
You're a fantastic mother, who loves her little girl to bits, and she will not be a spoiled brat! I promise.
and 
First off, don't be so hard on yourself! You are still recovering physically and emotionally from traumatic surgery and a devastating loss. Give yourself a break! You're doing great to even be trying to do the right things!!! Second, it is not that you are doing something wrong that is making Meaghan deliberately defiant. It is fantastic that she is displaying such a healthy, normal emotional and psychological development. If she wasn't seeking boundaries, there would be something wrong. So well done, you have a perfect little daughter!
Now, I'm not Rose and I'm a baby when it comes to GBD, but I'll offer my 2c anyway, for you to take or ignore as you see fit.
Smacking / pinching someone or even screaming: hold her so you are both facing the same way, and you are pinning her arms down. Tell her she can be mad but she can't hit (or similar). When you feel the tension leave her body, give her a face to face hug. See http://aolff.com/ for more suggestions and details on this tactic.
Persevere - 13mo don't learn these things from one day to the next! It will take months (years?) of work... And yes, spanking MAY get quicker results, but with possible very bad side effects, which you don't want, I guess. But then again, if spanking was that successful, why do spanking parents have to keep using that technique? Surely it would 'success' itself out of existence? But it doesn't, which tells us something important, I think.
Taking things form other children is also completely normal. The world still revolves around them, so what the other kid might want or feel barely figures. We are there to teach them how other people feel - but this takes time. Lots of time. Even adults are still selfish sometimes (well, I am). I would ask her to give it back, and if she doesn't tell her you will do it for her, and if she still doesn't take the doll from her and give it to the other child. meaghan will probably get mad, but then, that's life. We can't always get what we want. And it presents a new teaching opportunity, in giving her indiepence and skills to manage that anger and disappointment (see also Rose's other reading suggestion, Crary's Dealing with Disappointment - good for adults too!
As to you getting mad - as I said, don't torture yourself. You're under a lot of physical and emotional stress right now. It will get better. Maybe when you feel yourself getting mad, model how you want meaghan to handle her anger (e.g. by deep breathing, or by walking out of the room to calm down, or hugging herself).
God got really mad at the Israelites deliberate defiance too!
You're a fantastic mother, who loves her little girl to bits, and she will not be a spoiled brat! I promise.
and
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New Creation
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I thank you most sincerely Anna, for your encouragement, your PRACTICAL HELP , and your two cents.
Thanks for the web site addy too.
I will persevere.
Thanks for the web site addy too.
I will persevere.
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I just want to say that I sent a PM so people know you were responded to 
(the lady who wrote aolff.com is at gentle christian mothers! )
(the lady who wrote aolff.com is at gentle christian mothers! )
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JulySheMustFly
Legend
New Creation - First a hug.
Second, I could have written many parts of your post in the non-punitive thread. I still make way too many mistakes to feel comfortable giving exact advice. But, having a strong willed child as my oldest and having read Dobson' strong willed child book I couldn't not respond. His parenting style was of no use with Bear. All his suggestions only angered her even more. I also have a temper which honestly I never knew I had until I had children. So spanking didn't work between her and I. Sadly it wasn't until way later than Meghan's age that my husband and I realized this.
Second, I could have written many parts of your post in the non-punitive thread. I still make way too many mistakes to feel comfortable giving exact advice. But, having a strong willed child as my oldest and having read Dobson' strong willed child book I couldn't not respond. His parenting style was of no use with Bear. All his suggestions only angered her even more. I also have a temper which honestly I never knew I had until I had children.
So spanking didn't work between her and I. Sadly it wasn't until way later than Meghan's age that my husband and I realized this.
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JulySheMustFly
Legend
We were at my in-laws on "vacation" when we had a kind of parenting crisis. I did not want to deal with it there but we had no choice. Months prior to the trip we resolved to not spank. Well, while talking to my in-laws they (specifically mil) suggested we give Bear a good measured spanking.
I turned to my husband and he nodding agreeingly with me as I responded. "We've been there it doesn't work. We will not be doing it again. It is not up for discussion." My mil looked at my husband and He grabbed my hand and nodded at her to show our solidarity. That was it. Haven't heard anything about it since.My husband while he was in agreement about no longer spanking it took him longer to get on board with the non-punitive gentle parenting part. It took a lot of me saying "Hey, I tried xyz with Bear today and it really made a difference with this situation compared to when we used to abc." I made it part me explaining my day and so when he would hear about a success based off a gentle parenting idea he'd try it next time. For us it was all about results and if I was getting results then he was willing to try it.
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New Creation
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I just want to say that I sent a PM so people know you were responded to
(the lady who wrote aolff.com is at gentle christian mothers! )
Just want to echo this.... Leanna pmed me several times and was super helpful.
I have her book, "biblical parenting"- the lady who wrote aolff.com. I spent a few hours on her site last night.
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New Creation
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We were at my in-laws on "vacation" when we had a kind of parenting crisis. I did not want to deal with it there but we had no choice. Months prior to the trip we resolved to not spank. Well, while talking to my in-laws they (specifically mil) suggested we give Bear a good measured spanking.
SOLIDARITY ROCKS. Congratulations!
I think it will be this way for Lloyd as well.
Thanks so much for your response earlier.
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Hello.
My son is almost 11 months old and he's crawling, standing etc and into everything. How do I discourage him from pulling our books off the shelves? We have way to many books to pack away and I do try to block him from them as much as possible to remove temptation.
Right now if I catch him I move him and say "Not yours." or if he's close and thinking about it I'll move him. EVERY time he cries like the world is ending. I'm being told I may have to do this for more than a year before he gets it.
My son is almost 11 months old and he's crawling, standing etc and into everything. How do I discourage him from pulling our books off the shelves? We have way to many books to pack away and I do try to block him from them as much as possible to remove temptation.
Right now if I catch him I move him and say "Not yours." or if he's close and thinking about it I'll move him. EVERY time he cries like the world is ending. I'm being told I may have to do this for more than a year before he gets it.
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RoseofLima
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What we did when we had only one child, was to move the books from the bottom two shelves and put toys there. Now that we have more we have kids books on the bottom two or three shelves.
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It won't be a year.... but if you have some large plastic bins that you keep his outgrown clothes in and can put them in front of the bookcase that would at least slow him down (if he can climb) for you to get there in time to prevent. I know it really annoyed me to have to fix my books over and over, and I was even parenting punitively then by smacking his hand. :o Thus there is no magic answer even with parenting style if you get one of those persistant kids.
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JulySheMustFly
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That is what we did too. Then all the books that were of less importance to us were put on the next shelf up so if the kids did get to them I wasn't as upset if I had to tape a page back in.
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We'd have to move about 400 paperbacks and move them to God only knows where.
Right now I'm using a rubbermaid container and a rocking horse sideways to block him. Although he thinks climbing is fun too.
Right now I'm using a rubbermaid container and a rocking horse sideways to block him. Although he thinks climbing is fun too.
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It will seem like forever, but it won't be forever. Eventually the books aren't interesting anymore.
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Yeah, I know it won't be forever. He's so cute about it too...makes it hard to be upset with him which I guess is a good thing.
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JulySheMustFly
Legend
And, I though I had a lot of books. 
At least you have a solution for now. He'll find something else soon enough.
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Ok, new question. I could really use some help here.
We moved house about one month ago (to a new country) with all that entails e.g. new school, some new routines etc OTW the kids have dealt really well with all the changes, and been pretty brave and sensible, as children often are, but clearly the oldest is still far from happy. Mostly he is completely fine, playing, eating normally etc but he does still say he wants to go 'home' and that he is sad. For example, we were watching Disney's Fantasia (the newer one) together and in the Rhapsody in Blue sequence the protagonists all skate their dreams. We talked about it, and then I asked him what his dream was. Answer: to go home. Actually, it made me want to
The immediate problem, which I suspect is related, is that he will no longer settle at night. He used to go straight to sleep. Now we get an hour or more of messing around. Which is so not good for him.
So my questions are:
1. How can I best help him with this transition?
2. How can I make sure the kids go to sleep at bedtime?
two more points:
they now share a room, which they didn't before (but I don't consider that an excuse - LOTS of kids share a room)
I am very wary of getting them to go to sleep by staying in the room till they do, because I fear i will be doing that for the next 10 years. My days pretty much belong to the kids, but my evenings are for chores, husband and me (in no particular order)
Thank you!
We moved house about one month ago (to a new country) with all that entails e.g. new school, some new routines etc OTW the kids have dealt really well with all the changes, and been pretty brave and sensible, as children often are, but clearly the oldest is still far from happy. Mostly he is completely fine, playing, eating normally etc but he does still say he wants to go 'home' and that he is sad. For example, we were watching Disney's Fantasia (the newer one) together and in the Rhapsody in Blue sequence the protagonists all skate their dreams. We talked about it, and then I asked him what his dream was. Answer: to go home.
Actually, it made me want to The immediate problem, which I suspect is related, is that he will no longer settle at night. He used to go straight to sleep. Now we get an hour or more of messing around. Which is so not good for him.
So my questions are:
1. How can I best help him with this transition?
2. How can I make sure the kids go to sleep at bedtime?
two more points:
they now share a room, which they didn't before (but I don't consider that an excuse - LOTS of kids share a room)
I am very wary of getting them to go to sleep by staying in the room till they do, because I fear i will be doing that for the next 10 years. My days pretty much belong to the kids, but my evenings are for chores, husband and me (in no particular order
)Thank you!
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Well DH has probably 5-600 just in Star Trek books, then other books and then mine when I moved in. Funny, we get new book shelves every Christmas and we always end up running out of space by July.
At least you have a solution for now. He'll find something else soon enough.
He's discovered he can climb on the sofa!!
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RoseofLima
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Ok, new question. I could really use some help here.
We moved house about one month ago (to a new country) with all that entails e.g. new school, some new routines etc OTW the kids have dealt really well with all the changes, and been pretty brave and sensible, as children often are, but clearly the oldest is still far from happy. Mostly he is completely fine, playing, eating normally etc but he does still say he wants to go 'home' and that he is sad. For example, we were watching Disney's Fantasia (the newer one) together and in the Rhapsody in Blue sequence the protagonists all skate their dreams. We talked about it, and then I asked him what his dream was. Answer: to go home.
The immediate problem, which I suspect is related, is that he will no longer settle at night. He used to go straight to sleep. Now we get an hour or more of messing around. Which is so not good for him.
So my questions are:
1. How can I best help him with this transition?
2. How can I make sure the kids go to sleep at bedtime?
two more points:
they now share a room, which they didn't before (but I don't consider that an excuse - LOTS of kids share a room)
I am very wary of getting them to go to sleep by staying in the room till they do, because I fear i will be doing that for the next 10 years. My days pretty much belong to the kids, but my evenings are for chores, husband and me (in no particular order
Thank you!
What are their ages?? My oldest 4 all share a room, and it is a challenge. We start bedtime early and stagger bedtimes. Sometimes the kids listen to audio books in their beds, so I can get them in bed earlier. I don't really cre what time they fall asleep- just that they stay in their beds and don't call for me. I figure my job is to set the stage for restful nights, it's their job to sleep.
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