[Open] Support thread for non-punitive households (Please NO DEBATE)

[JulySheMustFly]

I think yes that can be absolutely true. We have to try to see it through our child's eyes and emotions.

Something like what you related I think I would ask (in the gift of not being immersed in the moment and driving me crazy behaviour)- 1. did you give great leeway because you were not diligent with her diet and 2. couldn't writing something else or directed drawing work just as well as writing "I will focus".

I just think writing something like "I will focus" can make a child feel as though there is something wrong with them, especially when their behaviour might be caused by something thaat was not in their control in the first place. You could do the same thing- but have her write her name or the names of everyone in your family or all of the animals she could think of that live in the zoo- or draw a map of the zoo- or so many things that don't reflect back on her. One of the things my husband has done is to draw a picture with the kids- where the child will draw one thing and then it's daddy's turn to add something into the picture--and they keep taking turns until the picture is complete.

My oldest daughter is really soothed by drawing and writing, and so for her that kind of thing would be wise parenting and not punitive in the least. My oldest son is challenged by writing-he's good at it but it is difficult for him (but not by map making, etc.) and so for him making him fill up a whole sheet of paper writing anything over and over again would be punitive--but having him make a map or design an amusement park or draw his versions of his favorite Escher pictures would work really well for him.

That is a good point. We had tried free drawing earlier in the day and it was like watching her wind up. The picture started nicely and then it turned into speed scribbling that got on the table and she was bouncing in her seat. If we have to do it again I might go with making her write her name over or family members names. My name is Bear. My sisters name is Bird. and so on. Thanks. When you can step outside of the situation it is easier to see the better route.

 

[jessesgirl]

I just want to tell everyone in this thread...thank you. It has really helped shed some light on my situation. No input yet on punitive vs. non-punitive...just thanks ladies!

 

[_Shannon_]

. When you can step outside of the situation it is easier to see the better route.

Tell me about it!! I wish I could like IM someone all day to just get a better perspective on things before it's after the fact I'm a great parent in the retrospective!!

 

[annaapple]

Ain't that the truth (for me, maybe you're just being modest!)

Things are going totally bellyup at our house at the moment. We're failing miserably as parents right now. I actually spanked our oldest the other day. And in case it isn't obvious, yes, it "solved" the problem because he burst into tears and came for a cuddle and the behavior stopped, but he was at it again in no time, so guess what? spanking doesn't work!

He's not been happy since the move, we're doing are best to support and help him (obviously) but he just brings so much aggression and defiance home, he pushes and pushes and pushes until he gets a horrible response. He's being violent to me and to his little brother (who is, of course, now copying) and constantly deliberately challenging. I know I need to deal with the underlying causes, but they're just not so easily fixed. We are looking at another school on friday - one where "play fighting" is treated a little more carefully.

I could go to GCM, but actually, I feel I "know" you all better, so I'd rather get any feedback (including a well deserved verbal dressing down) here.

I guess it hasn't helped that I've only just got out of those first three months of pregnancy, and we're still trying to sort stuff out from the move, and things have been super hectic in terms of family engagements... which now mean much more travel.

However, these are things I can't change - so how can I help him (and me!) work with what we have?

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Been there with the moving and pregnancy more than once. No real advice but plenty of these.

 

[Leanna]

Ain't that the truth (for me, maybe you're just being modest!)

Things are going totally bellyup at our house at the moment. We're failing miserably as parents right now. I actually spanked our oldest the other day. And in case it isn't obvious, yes, it "solved" the problem because he burst into tears and came for a cuddle and the behavior stopped, but he was at it again in no time, so guess what? spanking doesn't work!

He's not been happy since the move, we're doing are best to support and help him (obviously) but he just brings so much aggression and defiance home, he pushes and pushes and pushes until he gets a horrible response. He's being violent to me and to his little brother (who is, of course, now copying) and constantly deliberately challenging. I know I need to deal with the underlying causes, but they're just not so easily fixed. We are looking at another school on friday - one where "play fighting" is treated a little more carefully.

I could go to GCM, but actually, I feel I "know" you all better, so I'd rather get any feedback (including a well deserved verbal dressing down) here.

I guess it hasn't helped that I've only just got out of those first three months of pregnancy, and we're still trying to sort stuff out from the move, and things have been super hectic in terms of family engagements... which now mean much more travel.

However, these are things I can't change - so how can I help him (and me!) work with what we have?

the trouble is that I have no good advice, but I trust the advice of the more experienced mothers at GCM

 

[confused2007]

LOL! All of my kids are climbers. With one so young, you might want to look at installing those safety anchors for big things- like book shelves. We never did that because our house is so small there is rarely a time when wnyone is alone. We just try to reinforce "No climbing on the bookshelves. Hurt baby very, very much. Baby can climb on the sofa (or mommy and daddy's bed or whatever). Let's go play there!" You could also (if you have the room) get one of those Step 2 climbing structure for in your house and make that the place that is okay to climb.

It's hard for me to remeber when there was just one kid-- now something has to be pretty maajor for me to fear for their safety. The bookshelves still scare me--but nearly anything else wouldn't result in a major injury, so I am more laid back about it.

Make sure your little one has plenty of outside time-- that is so imperative for my little energy bundles!!

Thank you for the advice. I looked up the Step 2 Climbing Structures. Sounds like a good plan. And so true about the outside time. She loves it!

 

[RooMama]

Ain't that the truth (for me, maybe you're just being modest!)

Things are going totally bellyup at our house at the moment. We're failing miserably as parents right now. I actually spanked our oldest the other day. And in case it isn't obvious, yes, it "solved" the problem because he burst into tears and came for a cuddle and the behavior stopped, but he was at it again in no time, so guess what? spanking doesn't work!

He's not been happy since the move, we're doing are best to support and help him (obviously) but he just brings so much aggression and defiance home, he pushes and pushes and pushes until he gets a horrible response. He's being violent to me and to his little brother (who is, of course, now copying) and constantly deliberately challenging. I know I need to deal with the underlying causes, but they're just not so easily fixed. We are looking at another school on friday - one where "play fighting" is treated a little more carefully.

I could go to GCM, but actually, I feel I "know" you all better, so I'd rather get any feedback (including a well deserved verbal dressing down) here.

I guess it hasn't helped that I've only just got out of those first three months of pregnancy, and we're still trying to sort stuff out from the move, and things have been super hectic in terms of family engagements... which now mean much more travel.

However, these are things I can't change - so how can I help him (and me!) work with what we have?

*whispers* I spanked my oldest the other day, too. It didn't for me either.

 

[confused2007]

Ain't that the truth (for me, maybe you're just being modest!)

Things are going totally bellyup at our house at the moment. We're failing miserably as parents right now. I actually spanked our oldest the other day. And in case it isn't obvious, yes, it "solved" the problem because he burst into tears and came for a cuddle and the behavior stopped, but he was at it again in no time, so guess what? spanking doesn't work!

He's not been happy since the move, we're doing are best to support and help him (obviously) but he just brings so much aggression and defiance home, he pushes and pushes and pushes until he gets a horrible response. He's being violent to me and to his little brother (who is, of course, now copying) and constantly deliberately challenging. I know I need to deal with the underlying causes, but they're just not so easily fixed. We are looking at another school on friday - one where "play fighting" is treated a little more carefully.

I could go to GCM, but actually, I feel I "know" you all better, so I'd rather get any feedback (including a well deserved verbal dressing down) here.

I guess it hasn't helped that I've only just got out of those first three months of pregnancy, and we're still trying to sort stuff out from the move, and things have been super hectic in terms of family engagements... which now mean much more travel.

However, these are things I can't change - so how can I help him (and me!) work with what we have?

Hi Annaapple,

I don't believe you are failing as parents at all. I've read your blog on parenting and think you are a wonderful Mother. You are going through a little stress right now. Moving isn't easy.

Remember, it's okay to apologize to your children if you feel like you did something wrong. Make it brief and to the point. "Mommy hit you. I am sorry. We don't hit in our family." And a big hug should do it. It shows you are human and models apologizing, repentance and forgiveness.

As far as adjusting to the move... keep his favorite stuffed animal and blankie nearby. Go to the library and get some children's books about moving. Perhaps, if budget permits, buy a new toy for him to play with in the new house.

Hope this helps. I think you are being a little bit hard on yourself. So take time for yourself. Perhaps the hubby could give you a back rub or a foot rub tonight.

Here's an article on moving that has a few other tips...

Understanding Children Moving to a New Home.pdf

Take care

 

[confused2007]

I just want to tell everyone in this thread...thank you. It has really helped shed some light on my situation. No input yet on punitive vs. non-punitive...just thanks ladies!

Your Welcome!

 

[annaapple]

Hi Annaapple,

I don't believe you are failing as parents at all. I've read your blog on parenting and think you are a wonderful Mother. You are going through a little stress right now. Moving isn't easy.

Remember, it's okay to apologize to your children if you feel like you did something wrong. Make it brief and to the point. "Mommy hit you. I am sorry. We don't hit in our family." And a big hug should do it. It shows you are human and models apologizing, repentance and forgiveness.

As far as adjusting to the move... keep his favorite stuffed animal and blankie nearby. Go to the library and get some children's books about moving. Perhaps, if budget permits, buy a new toy for him to play with in the new house.

Hope this helps. I think you are being a little bit hard on yourself. So take time for yourself. Perhaps the hubby could give you a back rub or a foot rub tonight.

Here's an article on moving that has a few other tips...

Understanding Children Moving to a New Home.pdf

Take care

Thank you and God bless!

 

[confused2007]

Has anyone used a crib tent or play yard tent? My two-year-old is starting to climb out of her crib. We are very hesitant to put her in a toddler bed with rails as she will have easy access to everything. She's very active.

 

[confused2007]

Are there any Vegetarian parents here? I'm looking for a good liquid or easily chewable vitamin supplement for my two-year-old. Any ideas?

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Sorry, we're not vegetarian after prayerful review of our eating habits. My children do take a vitamin/supplement but it si made by a local natural food store so I don't know what to suggest.

Hope you find an answer.

 

[Leanna]

my idea is for you to join www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb They have a vegetarian board

 

[RooMama]

GCM should hire you as a recruiter. I think you're the biggest advocate out there and successful, too.

 

[Leanna]

hehe..... its true I do send people there a lot

 

[JustBoo]

yay! after many many people advising me to and reccomending I do so...I've finally gotten The No Cry Sleep Solution. I ordered it on nov 9th and it took forever geting here - just got it this morning! I'm very excited at the prospect of getting some sort of schedule worked out with my boy! hooraay and thanks for the reccomendations...I hope its as good as everyone has made it out to be

​

 

[Prisca9]

Hey there mommies

I've been reading this thread with great interest, but don't have time to trawl through it all so could I ask a couple of questions?

These questions are not meant to be debate - sorry if they sound it.

I was smacked as a child, and though I'd only ever use it as a last resort, I still feel it can be a good method of discipline in certain situations.

I've recently become aware of 'attachment parenting' and the little I know of it makes sense. I'm keen for my kids to learn to make choices and want to avoid an authoritarian parenting. But I have a couple of questions about completely avoiding smacking, because I want to learn not because I'm disagreeing with you

1) How do you handle a situation of danger? There are situations where you don't have time to sit a child down for example, when a two year old is running into the road. There are no times when that behaviour is acceptable. A smack demonstrates clearly to them that there are painful consequences to running into the road - a two year old has no concept of broken limbs or death so how do you teach them not to run out, or pick up sharp knives, or shove things into the VCR?

2) I suppose this is a similar thing, but there are times when God expects us to obey without question, without explanation - these times are rare but they do occur. I feel its important for children to learn that sometimes they must obey something that seems arbitrary, and that they must obey mum and dad without question, not because I am their parent, but because I love them and want what's best for them. Do you always discuss things with your children or are there times when you 'lay down the law'?

3) Finally, why do you let a child have a tantrum without stopping them? How do you teach them to control their unacceptable emotions?

I'm honestly not looking for debate - just answers

 

[lin1235]

I'm not really an expert on this, all I know is what I've read (my dd is only 14 months, so we haven't really been in a position to punish even if we wanted to). But I'll give a shot at your questions:

1. Non-punitive parenting has to be really really involved parenting. In other words, you can't let your kids be in a situation where he has the opportunity to play with sharp knives or run in the street. If something like that happens, a firm "NO - we do not run in the street" is all I'd do. With a slightly older child (well older than mine anyway, old enough to understand a bit), I'd add an explanation of how dangerous it is. But my main job as parent would be to pre-empt the behavior that could place them in danger. Baby-proof the house and hold their hand in the street, that kind of thing.

An example at this point is my LO's tendency to climb onto the couch and then stand up. She's fell off onto her head once, so I know for a fact she shouldn't do that. So every single time she does this, I physically help her to sit down, while telling her "we sit on the couch". Now we're at the point where she thinks it's a game, so she stands up, I tell her "sit", she sits, I say "there you go" or "that's better", she stands up again, we repeat. But I do not believe that spanking her for standing on the couch will teach her that it's wrong to stand on the couch. I think spanking her will teach her that she gets spanked for standing on the couch. And I don't want her to choose her behavior based on what external consequences (or rewards) will be imposed if she does; I want her to behave correctly because she understands why it's right. That means that right now, I cannot expect any "standard" of behavior from her, because she can't understand yet. All I can do is model the right behavior, and keep her safe.

2. I disagree. I do not believe God demands unthinking obedience, ever. In fact, the mere fact that Jesus prayed for a way out of the cross, if it's possible - even though He knew why it was necessary - shows that God would never expect us to obey something arbitrary. So while there would definitely be times to "lay down the law", it wouldn't be because it's preparation for obeying God. I think God ALWAYS wants us to obey, and He ALWAYS understands and forgives when we don't.

3. I wouldn't let her have a tantrum without stopping her. But I wouldn't punish her for it either. I would either take her to a quiet place where she can have her big emotions while I care for her, or physically restrain her if she's about to hurt herself or someone else in her tantrum. It doesn't mean I just let her lie on the floor and scream. A tantrum happens when a child is experiencing emotions so intense that he can't do anything but scream - and I know how that feels. I would reflect the feeling "I know you're frustrated that you can't have the toy. Here, you can hit this pillow to get the angries out". My job is to help my child understand that big feelings happen, and to teach her the tools to deal with them when they do.

I hope that helps a bit! There is a LOT of information on this kind of thing on gentle christian mothers.