One big (bad) quality that’s keeping you single

[Cormack]

I’m a firm believer in “it’s not you, it’s me.” It’s better for the reluctant singleton to look inwards in a reflective way for answers to their status, rather than to look outwards and angrily towards their old partner.

People who have been jilted should think less condemnatory thoughts about themselves too, it may just be that the person who pulled the ejector seat on the relationship has some good reason for doing so. It might really be about them.

Relationships ending can bring a lot of blame around who left who and why, though when we are playing the blame game no one ever really matures or ends their relationship on good terms.

It’s an open wound that people expect their new partner to heal (though they simply aren’t equipped to do that.) Only we can heal our previous relationship hurts.

So in the spirit of self criticism, and for the reluctant singles, what’s the biggest (bad) quality that’s keeping you single?

Are you too forward, too shy, negative or demanding. Are you too intense on politics, religion or simple day to day disagreements. Without thinking back onto things we can’t change (namely old partners and their flaws,) let’s think on the things we can control (ourselves.)

So, what’s the deal with those meals for one? What’s the big quality that you’d call your relationship stumbling block?

 

[trophy33]

So in the spirit of self criticism, and for the reluctant singles, what’s the biggest (bad) quality that’s keeping you single?

... relationship stumbling block?

For the beginning, whats the huge advantage of not being single and to be in a relationship, today?

Or else I am not sure why we should be chasing it or putting so much effort and time into getting it and keeping it.

 

[Cormack]

For the beginning, whats the huge advantage of not being single and to be in a relationship, today?

Play. Banter. A word we used to use was chemistry.

Having someone else in life who we have chemistry with is very satisfying. People have preformed studies on mice (granted we’re not mice,) but in those cases, the mice who were allowed to play fight with one another actually developed their brains more than the mice who couldn’t roughhouse in the same way.

I see this in people and animals who are poorly socialised, they misread social signs, don’t know when people are teasing them in a friendly way compared to when people are being malicious etc.

Being in a healthy relationship can really do wonders for people. I’m not saying you can’t get some of those things from having a good sports friend or from having a healthy childhood, you just won’t get them in the same way.

Any healthy brother relationship (though beneficial) isn’t the same as a healthy, happy husband and wife relationship after all. It’s about levels of chemistry and interaction. Those experiences can change us for the better.

Or else I am not sure why we should be chasing it or putting so much effort and time into getting it and keeping it.

The process is very taxing and laborious if social interaction doesn’t energise us, in that case the work that another person demands of us, the emotional labour we have to put it, that might not be worth the payday. Maybe you’re slightly introverted, which again is a massive stumbling block for many.

It would take a lot to work our way around simple introversion.

 

[GOD Shines Forth!]

It would take a lot to work our way around simple introversion.

Key word "work". Work is what is missing from those who are young and in love. The longer one lives in the single state, the more unnatural and laborious coupling becomes. The List is developed and refined by all. The List has stuff on it that blocks!

 

[trophy33]

People have preformed studies on mice (granted we’re not mice,) but in those cases, the mice who were allowed to play fight with one another actually developed their brains more than the mice who couldn’t roughhouse in the same way.

I see this in people and animals who are poorly socialised, they misread social signs, don’t know when people are teasing them in a friendly way compared to when people are being malicious etc.

Being in a healthy relationship can really do wonders for people. I’m not saying you can’t get some of those things from having a good sports friend or from having a healthy childhood, you just won’t get them in the same way.

So far, its just about society as such, not about not being single. Sure, living between people and communicating with them is better for a personal development than to live on an isolated island.

Any healthy brother relationship (though beneficial) isn’t the same as a healthy, happy husband and wife relationship after all. It’s about levels of chemistry and interaction. Those experiences can change us for the better.

Give me some specific example what is so huge about this chemistry so that all the energy, time waste, money waste, divorces, arguments, breakups, lies and unfaithfulness are well paid off.

 

[trophy33]

The longer one lives in the single state, the more unnatural and laborious coupling becomes.

True.

Also, millenials are not made for relationships. They are not from stable families and therefore their relationships end up badly or quickly. Or both.

And because sex is given today like water, people also have no reason to actually marry.
And if they marry, 50% of time they divorce and end up without money, without their own children and hurt.

 

[Cormack]

Sure, living between people and communicating with them is better for a personal development than to live on an isolated island.

The main difference is whether or not the kinds of socialisation we get from a romantic relationship is different than any other kind of socialisation we get. Total isolation, like on an island, that’s terrible across the board.

Give me some specific example what is so huge about this chemistry so that all the energy, time waste, money waste, divorces, arguments, breakups, lies and unfaithfulness are well paid off.

If it’s divorce, lies, arguments and breaking up that’s the issue, that’s not really the product of two people having good chemistry. Right?

That’s the result of two people who don’t work trying to make it work. That’s something everyone should walk away from, lest they get into some kind of abusive psychological game of chicken. In the end they’d just drive head first into each other.

I’m not sure I could get into examples of romantic chemistry without being terribly cringe, @myst33 Although for the sake of sharing something, I’d say that a healthy romantic relationship affords the greatest number of people the greatest kind of connection and vulnerability that they will ever have.

The greatest kind of connectivity for the largest number of people is their spouse or even their boyfriend/girlfriend.

Its the easiest kind of relationship to reach the deepest depths in.

Remember King David saying his friendship with Johnathan “surpassed the love of women,” that’s a big deal, that’s a deep friendship love, but it should also lead us to see that David considered the love of a woman to be a pretty big deal.

The love that surpasses women was a grand statement only because the love of a good women is a big deal.

 

[Cormack]

Key word "work". Work is what is missing from those who are young and in love. The longer one lives in the single state, the more unnatural and laborious coupling becomes. The List is developed and refined by all. The List has stuff on it that blocks!

I think if that’s the case, then a major stumbling block for people is sheer laziness!

 

[trophy33]

The main difference is whether or not the kinds of socialisation we get from a romantic relationship is different than any other kind of socialisation we get. Total isolation, like on an island, that’s terrible across the board.



If it’s divorce, lies, arguments and breaking up that’s the issue, that’s not really the product of two people having good chemistry. Right?

That’s the result of two people who don’t work trying to make it work. That’s something everyone should walk away from, lest they get into some kind of abusive psychological game of chicken. In the end they’d just drive head first into each other.

I’m not sure I could get into examples of romantic chemistry without being terribly cringe, @myst33 Although for the sake of sharing something, I’d say that a healthy romantic relationship affords the greatest number of people the greatest kind of connection and vulnerability that they will ever have.

The greatest kind of connectivity for the largest number of people is their spouse or even their boyfriend/girlfriend.

Its the easiest kind of relationship to reach the deepest depths in.

Remember King David saying his friendship with Johnathan “surpassed the love of women,” that’s a big deal, that’s a deep friendship love, but it should also lead us to see that David considered the love of a woman to be a pretty big deal.

The love that surpasses women was a grand statement only because the love of a good women is a big deal.

Because you are currently single, is your chemistry theory just a hypothesis? Something you would like to be real, but still no luck finding it?

 

[Cormack]

is your chemistry theory just a hypothesis?

I think it’s just common knowledge, like two people falling in love. It’s something many people experience.

If someone was currently single, I wouldn’t assume talk of being in love was their theory or working hypothesis, instead I’d assume it was something they went through or felt but aren’t currently involved with.

Lots of single people have been in great relationships, relationships that have lasted for years or even decades, but they happen to end for whatever reason.

I’m not sure it’s a luck thing in my case. That’s really the whole point of the topic, it’s about what personality traits might derail our finding or maintaining a relationship.

In my case, I think it’s a combination of 1. already having been there, and 2. I’m kind of demanding. Since I’ve been in those relationship situations before, there’s no desperation or desire to jump into the whole thing again without an exceptional person.

I also have an idea about relationships and the roles a husband and wife should have in those situations, something I certainly didn’t have before. It’s a belief grounded in my biblical views.

That firm knowhow of how I’d like my other half to live is a big roadblock too, though like I pointed out in the OP, I’d rather write on things we can work on, not about other people and how they don’t get it right or disappoint our great expectations. That’s not fair on them.

 

[trophy33]

I think it’s just common knowledge, like two people falling in love. It’s something many people experience.

If someone was currently single, I wouldn’t assume talk of being in love was their theory or working hypothesis, instead I’d assume it was something they went through or felt but aren’t currently involved with.

But you said in your previous post that if the relationship is not working out, its not the right chemistry.

So its not just two people falling in love, because most of these couples do not stay together. So, the chemistry mostly does not work? Or disappear? If its so volatile asset, why to chase after it...

 

[Cormack]

So, the chemistry mostly does not work? Or disappear?

Well, that could be it. In a book titled Love languages, the author points out that the in love experience lasts for about 4 years. How many people reap the benefits of that in love experience only to come crashing down later because the will to love one another isn’t there. It could be that things like chemistry fizzle out or that two people didn’t really have it, rather the in love experience was doing much of the heavy lifting in those early years.

Your main point though was what benefits do couples have over singletons, and if we cited the in love experience alone that would be a big benefit.

The fact that those benefits don’t always lead into perfect commitments or abiding love doesn’t mean they weren’t real benefits.

Just like how a rocket failing to get to the moon isn’t a failed rocket or flying just as high as moss on the ground, it’s doing something incredible, just not with the success that we wish it had.

 

[Lost4words]

One thing that is keeping me single is my dog breath!

 

[trophy33]

Your main point though was what benefits do couples have over singletons, and if we cited the in love experience alone that would be a big benefit.

The fact that those benefits don’t always lead into perfect commitments or abiding love doesn’t mean they weren’t real benefits.

So if somebody experienced the relationship, its enough and he does not have to look for another one, being currently single?
Yeah, I can agree with that Its like "try this, try that and keep what is good for you".

 

[Cormack]

So if somebody experienced the relationship, its enough and he does not have to look for another one, being currently single?

I mean, they might have had such an awful time of it they’d never go back there again. Once bitten, twice shy. Then there are the eternal optimists who believe that God has a plan or person for them. In my case I’m optimistic about things like growing maturity and work ethic, things I didn’t always have.

In terms of what’s good for us I agree. Paul was single after all, I don’t think he was less happy or less fulfilled next to any married man, rather he said “if you can do it” (meaning single celibacy,) join in with his lifestyle. It can be a blessing for some.

But for the people who can’t, I’m still curious what’s holding them back.

 

[Cormack]

One thing that is keeping me single is my dog breath!

I’m sure only a few stony people could resist those ears

 

[Freth]

For me it's my independence and my need for quiet time.

 

[Cormack]

I suspect the need for “me time” is an ongoing trend for single people, @Freth. When two people are in a relationship we jest and combine their names, it’s mostly fun and games but it also alludes to something real that people feel, a sense that they are losing themselves. Although I could just be reading too deeply into the phrase quiet time.

 

[GOD Shines Forth!]

I suspect the need for “me time” is an ongoing trend for single people, @Freth. When two people are in a relationship we jest and combine their names, it’s mostly fun and games but it also alludes to something real that people feel, a sense that they are losing themselves. Although I could just be reading too deeply into the phrase quiet time.

If a person is actually single before God (and not fooling around/shacking up), free time/quiet time/me time IS one of the benefits and should be reveled in! In a marriage this would be verboten because "the two shall become one flesh". Singleness comes with benefits from God, too, and they will not be taken from us...unless we allow it via false guilt. Look at how the Lord lived, how Paul lived. They would have never accomplished their calling if they were saps.

 

[TheTrueWay]

Failure.