One big (bad) quality that’s keeping you single

[DragonFox91]

I tend to be an outcast

 

[Cormack]

I tend to be an outcast

Finding a relationship with another “outcast” is sometimes considered a cure for singleness (not that it needs curing.) But I think it would actually be the worst choice for a man who’s not fully socialised, because then the two people reinforce each other’s bad habits.

I just read part of your 29 and never dated topic, hopefully you feel happier about your situation since way back when.

If not I’d be happy to go onto that topic and pen what I think is some practical advice.

 

[DragonFox91]

Finding a relationship with another “outcast” is sometimes considered a cure for singleness (not that it needs curing.) But I think it would actually be the worst choice for a man who’s not fully socialised, because then the two people reinforce each other’s bad habits.

I just read part of your 29 and never dated topic, hopefully you feel happier about your situation since way back when.

If not I’d be happy to go onto that topic and pen what I think is some practical advice.

I'm usually sad about it but been trying to get an aquarium going so that's been helping. Seems like I've had a lot going on in general lately. Warm weather tends to help as I'm able to do more outdoor stuff.

For a while I was friends w/ a girl who was an outcast too. We ended up clashing on a lot of issues. My problem is I've found a lot of outcasts generally don't have much ambition to improve. That can make it tough.

 

[Cormack]

Still awesome news on the progress, @DragonFox91. Congrats. After reading some of that topic I’m genuinely chuffed things are going well for you.

God bless from jolly old England.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

Oh, I almost forgot one very important reason why I'm always single.


Anyone I have ever developed feelings for has been completely unattainable. It's really become a running joke between me, myself, and I.

 

[Sir Robbins]

my 5 non negotiables are my block... I gave up on any dating and have come to terms single for life will be my fate....

 

[DragonFox91]

Still awesome news on the progress, @DragonFox91. Congrats. After reading some of that topic I’m genuinely chuffed things are going well for you.

God bless from jolly old England.

I have periods where I do better than other periods.

 

[Cormack]

I have periods where I do better than other periods.

That’s why people do the whole “accentuate the positives” thing.

Personally I dislike corny pop culture things like that, you name it and I tend to get annoyed by it quickly, the songs uptown funk and dynamite are great examples (absolutely hate them and having people in my life who love them is always a chance to have fun with that.)

“Accentuate the positives,” “it is what it is,” there are so many copes that we use to lift ourselves out of those low periods.

Anyway, point being I never liked that stuff, maybe I was too proud for it or I thought I was better than that somehow, but they really do work. They’re super effective and nobody ever tells us straight up that they work.

Diet, exercise, getting a full nights sleep, empowering music, all those things we take for granted really are tools to make us into monsters (in a good way )

One of the best things I ever did was to stop listening to Christian music, don’t get me wrong, I generally love the messages and I love Christ, the Bible has always spoke to me, even when I had no idea what it said.

But the music, man, it’s soooo weepy! I listened to it for years because I wanted to live a Christian lifestyle and shun the world and all that stuff we do when we are on fire, but listening to that stuff just kills me.

In my case most of the music was so disempowering and depressing, it’s like “am I supposed to cry? Is it cathartic? I don’t always want to hear music about Jesus being hurt..” I don’t know who gets what out of it, and I’m happy that they do get something from it, but for me, no way. Best thing I did for my own sanity was buck that scene.

Still I’m in danger of derailing my own topic here.

 

[Cormack]

my 5 non negotiables are my block... I gave up on any dating and have come to terms single for life will be my fate....

Could you be tempted to share what those non negotiables are? If you had to drop just one, what would you pick?

 

[Sir Robbins]

Could you be tempted to share what those non negotiables are? If you had to drop just one, what would you pick?

1. non drinker
2. no kids
3. politically aligned
4. religiously aligned
5. preferably she'd be an ace (asexual)

 

[Cormack]

2. no kids

God bless the people who’ve taken on someone else’s kids. I was standing in line to buy a friend of mine coffee, he suggested I join the church single parents group to meet some nice women. I have no kids.

Forgetting that he himself was raising 4 kids that aren’t his own, I casually replied “Ahh I dunno man, date a woman with kids?” There was some fall out that day I tell you what

 

[Sketcher]

God bless the people who’ve taken on someone else’s kids. I was standing in line to buy a friend of mine coffee, he suggested I join the church single parents group to meet some nice women. I have no kids.

Forgetting that he himself was raising 4 kids that aren’t his own, I casually replied “Ahh I dunno man, date a woman with kids?” There was some fall out that day I tell you what

Heh heh, whoops.
I've had to be . . . careful about that when my sister-in-law, who had a kid when she met my brother, has gotten on my case about women.

 

[Cormack]

That’s really one of the lamest things about modern people, @Sketcher, they reference everything back to themselves so they’re always in a state of being triggered.

I like discussing ideas, e.g. “women hold the keys to sex, but men hold the keys to a relationship,” hypergamy, black women are the most educated people in the US (and some of the least successful at dating.) Same goes for the single mother statistics or points, they’re just abstractions, ideas, and we should be able to talk about them because that’s how we discover and learn stuff.

We have to feel free to discuss and play with complex ideas. That’s why I try to have less of a filter, because when people get you on that filter blap! There goes your freedom, they got you. Enjoy walking on eggshells forever.

 

[Sketcher]

That’s really one of the lamest things about modern people, @Sketcher, they reference everything back to themselves so they’re always in a state of being triggered.

I like discussing ideas, e.g. “women hold the keys to sex, but men hold the keys to a relationship,” hypergamy, black women are the most educated people in the US (and some of the least successful at dating.) Same goes for the single mother statistics or points, they’re just abstractions, ideas, and we should be able to talk about them because that’s how we discover and learn stuff.

We have to feel free to discuss and play with complex ideas. That’s why I try to have less of a filter, because when people get you on that filter blap! There goes your freedom, they got you. Enjoy walking on eggshells forever.

In this case, I don't think it's an issue specifically restricted to modern people, though political correctness has been getting worse.

 

[Cormack]

In this case? Meaning in the case of single mothers?

I dunno, I mean, decades ago it was a shameful thing to be a single mother, even earlier than that it was shameful to be pregnant and unwed even if you had a man.

Nowadays we have more statistics than ever about the damaging effects of divorce and single parenthood, but it’s come with the most push back when people shed light on the subject.

The more people who do it the more data we get, but the more angry they get at having their poor life choices discussed.

I think that’s a very modern problem.

 

[IsaiahVega]

I think I'm a bit too stuffed shirt for a lot of women that I meet. A lot of them are just too worldly for me and that's become a problem. Even the women I've met at Church I find later are more worldly than they lead on (cleavage hanging out on social media photos, etc).

I did meet a nice young lady a few years ago. She was an immigrant girl, devoted, went to Church every week, prayed, read her Bible, etc. She didn't go out, didn't post anything inappropriate on social media, and was committed to trying to make it work between us, even though she was raised Catholic, she was willing to convert.

However, her parents demanded I convert to Catholicism, and I just would not. Even though she was in her late 20's she still very much listened to her parents and they advised her to break up with me. This was a few years ago, and I think she's the one that got away.

 

[Sketcher]

In this case? Meaning in the case of single mothers?

I dunno, I mean, decades ago it was a shameful thing to be a single mother, even earlier than that it was shameful to be pregnant and unwed even if you had a man.

Nowadays we have more statistics than ever about the damaging effects of divorce and single parenthood, but it’s come with the most push back when people shed light on the subject.

The more people who do it the more data we get, but the more angry they get at having their poor life choices discussed.

I think that’s a very modern problem.

The prevalence of single parent homes does appear to be a modern problem, but raising the issue bluntly with the the ex-single mother or her husband in your presence probably wouldn't have gone much better 200 years ago. The woman would have reacted similarly to the way many react now, and the man would have duelled you.

However, I do believe it is immature to seek validation from strangers and get upset when they don't give you that validation, as if there's only one acceptable opinion. i.e. a single mom asks if guys will date a single mom, and if a guy says "no", or his reasons for saying "no", he's a bad person all of a sudden. The original single mom, or other women, or the white knights (usually a combination of the three) come out harshly against the person whose honest opinion was asked. Usually, these people take such feedback far more personally than intended.

This doesn't seem to happen on forums as much anymore, with the rise of Instagram and Snapchat and Tinder. But I'm not on those apps, so I can't comment on whether similar stuff happens there.

 

[bèlla]

Comfort. Life is simple. My biggest irritant is a failed Ikea delivery. I don’t have anything to complain about or irk my nerves. No demands or bothers. It’s a utopia in many ways.

Relationships disrupt that. You’re taking on more and dealing with challenges outside yourself. Sometimes that overwhelms me. It feels like an anvil on my head.

My life is carefree. I need someone who has the same. We’re a better fit.

~bella

 

[JustSomeBloke]

I'm most probably far too weird for most girls. Only a girl who was quite weird herself would be able to understand me. And there aren't many really weird girls. Or maybe I'm just not going places where the really weird girls congregate.

 

[Eftsoon]

I’m a firm believer in “it’s not you, it’s me.” It’s better for the reluctant singleton to look inwards in a reflective way for answers to their status, rather than to look outwards and angrily towards their old partner.

People who have been jilted should think less condemnatory thoughts about themselves too, it may just be that the person who pulled the ejector seat on the relationship has some good reason for doing so. It might really be about them.

Relationships ending can bring a lot of blame around who left who and why, though when we are playing the blame game no one ever really matures or ends their relationship on good terms.

It’s an open wound that people expect their new partner to heal (though they simply aren’t equipped to do that.) Only we can heal our previous relationship hurts.

So in the spirit of self criticism, and for the reluctant singles, what’s the biggest (bad) quality that’s keeping you single?

Are you too forward, too shy, negative or demanding. Are you too intense on politics, religion or simple day to day disagreements. Without thinking back onto things we can’t change (namely old partners and their flaws,) let’s think on the things we can control (ourselves.)

So, what’s the deal with those meals for one? What’s the big quality that you’d call your relationship stumbling block?

I'm too private. I'm like Smaug guarding a vault of secrets lol