Not a new Christian, but I feel lost.

[SimplyRen]

I've been attending church all my life. You know, I had the kind of parents that made us go to church every single Sunday (even if we were sick or coughing up a lung!). At a young age, I didn't fully appreciate or understand the whole "church thing". Like most children, I just went because that's how my parents wanted it.

I think I first began to question the existence of God when I was 15 or so. I had been going to church for my entire life. I had friends in the youth group and my pastors knew me and my family. I thought I had a perfect thing going at the church and I thought my relationship with God was where it was "supposed" to be. Then, things began to fall apart. I was faced with my parents "almost" separation, my sisters diagnoses with Manic depression and my brothers struggle with sexual sin. My limits were tested and I took it rough. Growing up, I struggled with the concept of "speaking" to God and waiting for his answer. I know now what it means to speak to God, but back when I was a kid, I literally waited for a big booming voice from the heavens to tell me everything was going to be okay. I waited for in depth instructions telling me what to do next. Needless to say, that big booming voice I waited on so intensely, never came. I felt alone.

A few years ago, during one of our youth conferences there was an altar call for anyone who wanted healing or a "fresh installation" of faith...something or rather. I wanted it. By that time, I needed confirmation and reassurance desperately and I was hanging on by a thread. I saw these kids going up one by one and I watched amazed as they were filled with the holy spirit. Each one of them sobbing, or speaking in tongues, and some had simply fallen over (toppling over one another). It was...a little scary. Lol...But I still wanted it! I went to school with some of these kids. They had seemingly perfect lives and I had a patched up family and my faith was diminishing. So, I thought during this altar call, I would give it all to God. I would go up there, they would pray over me and I would feel "refreshed", or renewed. So I gave it my all. I filed up to the front with the hundreds of other teenagers and was prayed over by at least 6 or 7 youth leaders. Then suddenly, in a blink of an eye, it was over. I opened my eyes, and took in the scene ahead of me. I stood in the middle of a room filled with crying teenagers that were either falling where they stood or rejoicing back to their seats. I on the other hand, felt nothing. I know it's terrible, but I stood there thinking, "Why did they get what I wanted so bad? Where's my breakthrough?". I called up to Him, and I came willingly. I came to Him wanting, no, NEEDING Him in the worst way...but there was nothing.

I'm 21 years old now. I have no church I go to. I haven't been to one in almost 2 years. My moral standards, and parts of my Christian roots are still here...but I gave up in a way. I'm not sure if I gave up on God, or if I gave up on the church. I pray, and I speak to God sometimes (which took some time). But if you came up to me and told me to put my life in his hands, I'd tell you that I can't. I can't trust something that I cannot feel. It's not even about what I can and cannot see anymore. I don't feel safe and secure, which is something I was told was promised to every Christian. I picked up some bad habits since then, and I blame God for almost every bad thing that happens in my life. I guess that's a good sign in a way. At least I'm not denying that there is a God. =P Still, it's not a good feeling. I want to feel like there's something else out there that's bigger then myself and everything else. I just can't swallow the possibility that we're alone here. But I also can't seem to accept that God has everything under control, and that when I call on Him..He'll answer.

I would love nothing more then to know for an absolute certainty that God is going to catch me the next time I fall.

How do you know that God is watching over you? What convinces you? How can you have so much faith and trust in something that (in your eyes) let's you down so much?

 

[heymikey80]

Hi, SR. In a way you're my carbon copy in your generation. When it comes to emotional awareness and that feeling of confidence, I ain't got it.

I've been a Christian a long time.

I am not trusting enough of persons to expect to get some personal, emotional reaction. I've seen the betrayals people perpetrate on one another. For me it's not wise to be unwary of personal connections.

God refuses to be tested in the experimental way -- though I would say I did ask for some things that were innocuous to where He must've known I was only asking -- because they did happen. Maybe the shock of those innocuous events happening, maybe that led me to look a whole lot harder into what Jesus was all about.

So you might say I was backed into Christianity. It's not so much that I believe and feel so right that I've found all this other stuff to buttress the reality of what I've felt. Instead, I'm quite sure of the reality of what Jesus is. The hard part for me is accepting the Who about Him, His Personhood, and His connection with me. That's hard because of what I've been through; but it's nevertheless, true.

 

[paul1149]

You’ve had some real tests of your faith already. They shook your world, and brought you to a place outside the mainstream. You don’t seem to place much faith in the church, and you're even questioning God at this point.

That's not all bad. There is much that needs to be examined critically. "Make sure of all things; hold fast to what is fine". The question is what you will do with what you find.

You can say that things didn’t go the way you thought they should, therefore you will never trust again. This is understandable.

But you could also say, things didn’t go the way I thought they should, but I don’t have the full picture, and God does. So I'm going to exercise faith that He really still is in control (and I'm certainly not), and is working all things for my good just as He promised (Rom 8.28).

If you choose to open the door of your heart just a crack, you will give Him room to work in your life. Church attendance, the externals of religion, really don’t matter. Keeping your heart open to God matters. Fellowship is important, but for various reasons there are times it doesn’t happen for some of us. It's wrong to put the focus more on that than on exercising an attitude of trust in the Lord.

It's really your call. You don’t need an altar call or church service to do it. Frankly, I think the Lord not meeting you at that altar was a sign: First, He cannot be summoned at our will, on our terms, and second, He wants true intimate relationship with you – not because everyone else seems to be doing something cool or getting something, but because you are personally special to Him. What He has for you is so precious that it must be given privately, in the stillness of your heart.

Simply put, I think the Lord is calling you to brokenness before Him, so that He can pour His love and grace through those cracks in your life and into your heart. His love for you is beyond measure, and the reality of that love is waiting for you to ask for it with all your heart. It has the power to overcome all the trials, disappointments and bitterness you have experienced, and cause you to overwhelmingly triumph in all these things.

 

[Logeth]

I would love nothing more then to know for an absolute certainty that God is going to catch me the next time I fall.

How do you know that God is watching over you? What convinces you? How can you have so much faith and trust in something that (in your eyes) let's you down so much?

Someone can never prove that God exist. But I know He does. Before I was saved, I used to be an alcoholic, depressed and always suicidal girl. He healed me, delivered me and saved me. There are some times that, as you, I don't feel Him. I don't have the feeling that He is here. But I know He is; it`s not always about feeling something, but about knowing. I really, really reccomend you the book "Blue like jazz" by Donald Miller. You will see there a man that had the same problems that you have, and how he realized by hisself that God exists.

 

[Sketcher]

Why do you need to feel something?

I myself wrestled with feeling this, and not feeling that. I've found myself wanting God to make the big entrance a lot of times, but time and again he has been more like a ninja instead. He's been a lot more subtle most of the time. Not ineffective, but he works when I don't see him work. And after time, I get to see that work come to fruition. Since God has shown himself to prefer working like that in my life, that has shaped my faith, and the way I view faith. All I need to do is take him at his word, and he was kind enough to have that written down and translated so people like you and I can read it. It explains the facts about myself and the facts about him, and he's no liar.

 

[InSpiritInTruth]

I have heard a couple accounts of preachers and ministers of the gospel not recieving the Holy Spirit until after 15 or 20 years of preaching. Just as I am convinced that many who go to church, and even preach the gospel will never recieve the Holy Spirit because of their lack of faith in the Word of God.

I recieved the anointing of the Holy Spirit in a big way back in 2007, but the strang thing was, I was not even seeking the Lord at the time I recieved it. Just as it is written; I shall be found in them that sought me not, and those who looked not for me shall know me. Go figure.

The Lord will reveal himself, to whom he will reveal himself, and he will have mercy, on whom he will have mercy. It is not done in our time, but in His time. But make no mistake, when you recieve the Holy Spirit you shall know it; for He is not called the Comforter for nothing.

I can tell you without a doubt that God exists, and that He is a God of His Word. So why not take Him at His Word?

Luke 11:13;"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask Him?

All you have to do is ask.

But ask in faith, for without faith in the Word of God, it is impossible to please him. Peace.

 

[tawnde]

I could be wrong, but it sounds like feel God owes you something. He does not. Blaming God is not good...in any way. He is holy and good. James 2:19 has been a powerful verse for me in understanding what it means to be a Christian...."You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder"

I would suggest finding a church, finding a mentor, studying the gospels.

 

[No_Fear]

Unfortunately, I don't think what I have to say will help you, but I definitely can relate to what your going through. I was born and raised in a Christian home as well, and through the years, I had doubts about my religion, especially because of a lack of feeling God's presence and that he had control of things. I think I lacked the "feeling" because of the importance I find in self-discipline. A preacher on TV got me over that when he talked about Christianity and said it was more than just a feeling you get when your singing your favorite hymn in Church.
My home life very nearly perfect. My family was far from being rich, but we had the support of each other, and with 3 brothers, 4 sisters, and two loving (and strict) parents. That was enough for us, I would have lived like that forever if I could. We had an old fashioned upbringing, including the small family farm, kind of like Little House on the Prairie. I literally had/have no one but my family.
When I was 16 my twin sister was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. That was a huge blow to all of us, but I felt that God was completely in control, and I had almost no anxiety in the situation. Well, my sister had surgeries and radiation, and she was doing well. A little while later, both my Grandpop and Grandmom were in the hospital, and things looked bleak for them both, but I knew God would take care of them. After a quadruple bypass for Grandmom, and the removal of scar tissue from Grandpop's lungs, both are the picture of health for people into their 80's.
One year and one month ago my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. The doctor offered zero support and hope for her, but my family was once again optimistic. We felt she would be healed. Actually, it was more like we KNEW she would be healed. She started receiving chemo, and her cancer #'s were going down, but the doctor still insisted it was only a matter of time. Still we had hope. We read the Bible, listed to the promises and heeded the advice and commands found in it. Countless people prayed for her recovery. We patiently awaited summer when the whole family would go on a camping trip in our old beat up camper. To shorten this a little, my mom died 9/06/2011, she was 52. We never got to go camping.
I can go back through the Bible and list many promises Jesus made, and I know he broke those promises. The words that gave my mom and my family faith and hope were meaningless. I can't view my dad and us (the kids) as a family anymore. My faith is pretty much gone. I still believe in a creator, and life after death, but everything else is gone. My view is this; either Jesus was misquoted, or he was a liar and not the Son of God, or God is a liar and refused to do anything, or he could not do anything. And I am pretty sure I won't worship a God like that. All I want is to fast forward to the end of my time here on Earth so I can see my mom. (And I'm not suicidal, by the way) I don't care whats next, I don't desire to a saviors face. What is even worse is that I don't want to feel this way.

 

[Sketcher]

^ Or you misinterpreted Jesus' words. He didn't promise earthly healing to anybody as a general rule. Only to those he actually healed.

 

[SimplyRen]

Wow. First off, I'd like to apologize for not getting back to this thread weeks ago. Seems I've been busier then I thought.

I appreciate all of the feedback I've gotten. Through reading all of your posts, I can honestly say I feel comforted ( because some of you have been, or are still in my shoes.) and also educated. ^__^

paul1149 wrote: It's really your call. You don’t need an altar call or church service to do it. Frankly, I think the Lord not meeting you at that altar was a sign: First, He cannot be summoned at our will, on our terms, and second, He wants true intimate relationship with you – not because everyone else seems to be doing something cool or getting something, but because you are personally special to Him. What He has for you is so precious that it must be given privately, in the stillness of your heart.

Thank you. That makes me feel ten times better (even if that wasn't your intent). haha.

@Logeth; I'll have to take a look at "Blue Like Jazz". It sounds like something I could benefit from. =) Thank you.

@No_Fear: Your words helped in more ways then you think. Reading your post, I realize that I'm not entirely alone in the way I feel and how I perceive not only God, but my Christianity. I am so sorry for your loss and although I cannot yet imagine losing someone I love I do feel hopeless in a way that you do. Even though your post does not offer much encouragement in the area I need "help" in...I appreciate your openness with me. It makes me feel a little less...alone. You mentioned that you do not want to feel the way you do. That is something I can relate with, and I wish you all the best with your search for faith and healing.


-Ren

 

[now faith]

Ren spiritual growth doesn't always happen at once. Sometimes we get caught up in the ceremony of church, the type of service you can set your watch by. Soon years go by you may find that your seeking to truly know god and his will for your life. If you seek him he is faith full always, but not on your terms he is not a genie their when you decide. Our lord said you must be born again. Repent of unconfessed sin and truly ask Jesus to touch your heart. You have herd that many times but you must accept him in your heart. Dive into his word study but instead of like a text book seek his will through prayer. Let god teach you through his living word and soon your heart will be filled with joy. It all starts with christ Jesus through him we know the father and the holy spirit is poured out to our life. Sometimes trials enter our life through them we learn we can will nothing. But in his will we can do all things. We must know him before our faith matures. Without the trials how would we know to receive his promise. One thing is for sure you will never receive anything that you don't believe in or what you speak against. I will pray for you. Soon you will be on fire for god and all your post will glorify him god bless.

 

[knw1991]

Ren, i went to a christian conference hoping it would make me feel closer to God, it didnt for the majority of the time i was there,other people were growing ,enjoying themselves, worshipping, they heard God's voice, they had prayer and got breakthroughs, one girl had a vision, i felt like an outsider, i was hopeless and felt like this whole experience confirmed God didnt care about me, and I was not His, and that Jesus could not saveme, i felt like Jesus was not to me who He said he would be, i became jealous, quiet,lonely,depressed, and even tried to harm myself, this all happened a couple of weeks ago, i know how it feels to go up to an altar call and feel nothing, while other people are sobbing, and rejoicing,getting special messages from God thru the preacher, i also went some time without talking to God and I knew He was real but i just didnt think He cared or that I would ever know Him, but im starting to realize that feelings lie, you dont need an altar call for God to work in your life, He is working all the time and many times we are not aware. I remember when i was depressed at 16 and wanted to commit suicide, all i could do was call on God, and while i was not free overnight, i remember starting my senior year of high school, with joy and reassurance , and my faith really started to come about in college, and even after 3 years im still shaky, i just started feeling hopeless after 3 years, i dont know if you have asked Jesus into your heart, but if you really want Him in your life ask Him to come in and He will come, confess your sins and He will forgive, God does not resist those who want to know HIm, i suggest just letting all your feelings out to God and letting him know how you feel, and just tell Him you are afraid to trust Him but you want to. God will meet you where you are.

 

[knw1991]

I've been attending church all my life. You know, I had the kind of parents that made us go to church every single Sunday (even if we were sick or coughing up a lung!). At a young age, I didn't fully appreciate or understand the whole "church thing". Like most children, I just went because that's how my parents wanted it.

I think I first began to question the existence of God when I was 15 or so. I had been going to church for my entire life. I had friends in the youth group and my pastors knew me and my family. I thought I had a perfect thing going at the church and I thought my relationship with God was where it was "supposed" to be. Then, things began to fall apart. I was faced with my parents "almost" separation, my sisters diagnoses with Manic depression and my brothers struggle with sexual sin. My limits were tested and I took it rough. Growing up, I struggled with the concept of "speaking" to God and waiting for his answer. I know now what it means to speak to God, but back when I was a kid, I literally waited for a big booming voice from the heavens to tell me everything was going to be okay. I waited for in depth instructions telling me what to do next. Needless to say, that big booming voice I waited on so intensely, never came. I felt alone.

A few years ago, during one of our youth conferences there was an altar call for anyone who wanted healing or a "fresh installation" of faith...something or rather. I wanted it. By that time, I needed confirmation and reassurance desperately and I was hanging on by a thread. I saw these kids going up one by one and I watched amazed as they were filled with the holy spirit. Each one of them sobbing, or speaking in tongues, and some had simply fallen over (toppling over one another). It was...a little scary. Lol...But I still wanted it! I went to school with some of these kids. They had seemingly perfect lives and I had a patched up family and my faith was diminishing. So, I thought during this altar call, I would give it all to God. I would go up there, they would pray over me and I would feel "refreshed", or renewed. So I gave it my all. I filed up to the front with the hundreds of other teenagers and was prayed over by at least 6 or 7 youth leaders. Then suddenly, in a blink of an eye, it was over. I opened my eyes, and took in the scene ahead of me. I stood in the middle of a room filled with crying teenagers that were either falling where they stood or rejoicing back to their seats. I on the other hand, felt nothing. I know it's terrible, but I stood there thinking, "Why did they get what I wanted so bad? Where's my breakthrough?". I called up to Him, and I came willingly. I came to Him wanting, no, NEEDING Him in the worst way...but there was nothing.

I'm 21 years old now. I have no church I go to. I haven't been to one in almost 2 years. My moral standards, and parts of my Christian roots are still here...but I gave up in a way. I'm not sure if I gave up on God, or if I gave up on the church. I pray, and I speak to God sometimes (which took some time). But if you came up to me and told me to put my life in his hands, I'd tell you that I can't. I can't trust something that I cannot feel. It's not even about what I can and cannot see anymore. I don't feel safe and secure, which is something I was told was promised to every Christian. I picked up some bad habits since then, and I blame God for almost every bad thing that happens in my life. I guess that's a good sign in a way. At least I'm not denying that there is a God. =P Still, it's not a good feeling. I want to feel like there's something else out there that's bigger then myself and everything else. I just can't swallow the possibility that we're alone here. But I also can't seem to accept that God has everything under control, and that when I call on Him..He'll answer.

I would love nothing more then to know for an absolute certainty that God is going to catch me the next time I fall.

How do you know that God is watching over you? What convinces you? How can you have so much faith and trust in something that (in your eyes) let's you down so much?

dont put your trust in how you feel,feelings change, i wake up with different feelings each morning, and i have let them rule my life, and i always end up hopeless, but when i trust God and that He is there, my day goes much better, many times you wont feel God, he doesnt want your relationship with Him to be based on your feelings, He wants you to trust Him and have faith in what He said about himself, that He loves you, and wants to have a personal relationship with you, i also blamed God during my trial of hopelessness for things that went wrong, i just think that human beings expect everything to go perfect when God is in our life, but Jesus told us we will have many trials, his disciples all died brutally but look at the eternal joy they have in heaven, and i also understand your desire to be connected with someone bigger than yourself, it is scary to think we have to go through life alone, but we dont, GOD is there, and even when i ask God constantly for help i dont know for sure if he heard me, its all by faith, we dont know if He's listening,we cant see Him, but we know based on His Word, that he hears our prayers, and He knows exactly what you are feeling and how desperate those feelings are, He would not ignore that. and i see your situation, as the church letting you down not God,many times we project what the church does or how it makes us feel on God, remember the church is made up of humans who are living by faith just like you, they didnt actually let you down it was just that your expectations were not what God is all about, you wanted to have an experience like those teenagers, there are elders in my church who have been saved for years ,even my pastor, and i dont see him fall over and cry out loud, and shout,but He knows God is with Him and in Him, and the Holy Spirit is already in Christians, there is a difference from having the Holy Spirit and then being filled with the Holy Spirit and begin to speak in tongues,etc, but every believer has the Holy Spirit in them. many churches dont understand this and they tell ppl to come and receive the Holy Spirit, if the person is saved they have the Holy Spirit in them already

 

[IndieVisible]

I've been attending church all my life. You know, I had the kind of parents that made us go to church every single Sunday (even if we were sick or coughing up a lung!). At a young age, I didn't fully appreciate or understand the whole "church thing". Like most children, I just went because that's how my parents wanted it.

I think I first began to question the existence of God when I was 15 or so. I had been going to church for my entire life. I had friends in the youth group and my pastors knew me and my family. I thought I had a perfect thing going at the church and I thought my relationship with God was where it was "supposed" to be. Then, things began to fall apart. I was faced with my parents "almost" separation, my sisters diagnoses with Manic depression and my brothers struggle with sexual sin. My limits were tested and I took it rough. Growing up, I struggled with the concept of "speaking" to God and waiting for his answer. I know now what it means to speak to God, but back when I was a kid, I literally waited for a big booming voice from the heavens to tell me everything was going to be okay. I waited for in depth instructions telling me what to do next. Needless to say, that big booming voice I waited on so intensely, never came. I felt alone.

A few years ago, during one of our youth conferences there was an altar call for anyone who wanted healing or a "fresh installation" of faith...something or rather. I wanted it. By that time, I needed confirmation and reassurance desperately and I was hanging on by a thread. I saw these kids going up one by one and I watched amazed as they were filled with the holy spirit. Each one of them sobbing, or speaking in tongues, and some had simply fallen over (toppling over one another). It was...a little scary. Lol...But I still wanted it! I went to school with some of these kids. They had seemingly perfect lives and I had a patched up family and my faith was diminishing. So, I thought during this altar call, I would give it all to God. I would go up there, they would pray over me and I would feel "refreshed", or renewed. So I gave it my all. I filed up to the front with the hundreds of other teenagers and was prayed over by at least 6 or 7 youth leaders. Then suddenly, in a blink of an eye, it was over. I opened my eyes, and took in the scene ahead of me. I stood in the middle of a room filled with crying teenagers that were either falling where they stood or rejoicing back to their seats. I on the other hand, felt nothing. I know it's terrible, but I stood there thinking, "Why did they get what I wanted so bad? Where's my breakthrough?". I called up to Him, and I came willingly. I came to Him wanting, no, NEEDING Him in the worst way...but there was nothing.

I'm 21 years old now. I have no church I go to. I haven't been to one in almost 2 years. My moral standards, and parts of my Christian roots are still here...but I gave up in a way. I'm not sure if I gave up on God, or if I gave up on the church. I pray, and I speak to God sometimes (which took some time). But if you came up to me and told me to put my life in his hands, I'd tell you that I can't. I can't trust something that I cannot feel. It's not even about what I can and cannot see anymore. I don't feel safe and secure, which is something I was told was promised to every Christian. I picked up some bad habits since then, and I blame God for almost every bad thing that happens in my life. I guess that's a good sign in a way. At least I'm not denying that there is a God. =P Still, it's not a good feeling. I want to feel like there's something else out there that's bigger then myself and everything else. I just can't swallow the possibility that we're alone here. But I also can't seem to accept that God has everything under control, and that when I call on Him..He'll answer.

I would love nothing more then to know for an absolute certainty that God is going to catch me the next time I fall.

How do you know that God is watching over you? What convinces you? How can you have so much faith and trust in something that (in your eyes) let's you down so much?

Your at a crucial cross road. Thankfully your still young

I started many years ago as a child from Orthodox then Catholic for my first 8 years, then nothing, then every single Protestant flavor out there and even some certified cults too! Then back to nothing. Eventually I came back home to my roots I started with with and love it and am so at peace. Those questions do not bother me as much as they use to. I prefer to worship and pray now. God does not always imediately respond to all my prayers or needs as I expect Him too. But all of my needs are always met! I've had many loses over the years. I could have easily blamed God or I could have taken responcibility for some of those loses. Some loses I have no anwser for, like a loss of my first born.

I pray that you find your own way too! I'm confident you will. The seed has been planted and your still young. I'm sure you will grow in to a fine Christian flower! Just love God, love is the key, with love it's easier to trust!

God Bless!

 

[parsley]

I have a feeling that your experiences toughened you, and God was treating you in a very mature way. You had stood strong and faithful even when you weren't feeling things.

Many years ago a group of us went to a fall-down service-- before most people knew what that was. Everyone fell down except me. The pastor even pushed me. That made me feel like he wasn't authentic so I stepped backward the next time he tried to push me. I was not lacking in faith at the time, or unspiritual, or resisting God... I was feeling like you felt, wishing for similar experiences.

Remember that when one person is crying, they have a reason to cry. Appreciation, exhaustion, relief, emotional healing, or even something undefined. The Holy Spirit knows what each person is going through, and deals with specifics during a service. Every hair of our heads is numbered.

The most important edifier for me is reading the Word. Seriously, regularly, deeply reading God's Word and sometimes even speaking it out loud. When drifting and imagining I'm doing it when I'm not, I completely lose the sense of God wanting to help me. The words can echo in my head -- love, Heavenly Father, Good Shepherd... but I end up not believing it unless it's fresh in my mind.

Set yourself to learn what God's heart is for you.

 

[tturt]

Agree that these experiences sometimes referred to as wilderness, pruning, or valleys help us to grow spiritually. They are never easy.

Encourage you to continue to praise, pray, and give thanks plus a time where we get our minds off ourselves. Meditating (not emptying our minds) just focusing on Him. For example, the lyrics of Christmas songs sung at church or Psa 145 or the many names and titles of Yahweh.

 

[Emmy]

Dear Simply Ren. I say this with love, and I still am puzzled why so many Christians are always waiting for God to tell them what to do. I know that Good Works will not be of major importance, but on the other hand, I cannot understand why so many good Christians are simply waiting for God to nudge them. In Matthew, chapter 22, verses 35-40, Jesus tells a Lawyer: " The first and great Commandment is: Love God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. The second is: Love thy neighbour as thyself." Then Jesus points out: " On these Two Commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets." God wants our Love, freely given and with hearts, souls and minds. But the other important Commandment is often, ignored. God wants us to love our neighbour, ( all we know and all we meet, friends or not friends) love them as we love ourselves. How often do we ignore, or look right through the people we pass, we treat them as somplete strangers. God wants us to treat all people as we like to be treated, with a friendly smile at least. God made us all, we are all made in God`s image, and we are all on this Earth to learn to love God God with all our beings, and all men and women with friendly acknowledgement,as fellow-beings. God is Love, and we Christians are the only representatives, which God has down here. Love is very catching, and love changes all enmity and adversity, if faced with love, free from any conditions.
We have Jesus who will give us His Love and Joy, and the Holy Spirit who will give us His Love, also. Jesus told us to" Ask and ye will receive," then we thank God and share all Love and Joy with all around us. God will see our sincere efforts to love and care, and God will bless us. God will also know that we love God. How?? God will see that we are following His Commandments to love and care. We might stumble, but then we ask God to forgive us, and God will forgive us, as we will forgive others. We get up and carry on loving selflessly, Ren. We wii be surrounded by many friendly people, and plenty opportunity to tell about Jesus: as Jesus asked us to do. Love and greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.

 

[Leka43]

I can also completely identify with some of your feelings...so let me start there, if you will. Feelings...feelings are transitory; i.e., they change, and they're changeable. Have you ever had a feeling of maybe fear about something, and later you found out that there was nothing to be scared about? We all have feelings, but we weren't made to be led by them, because they very often cannot be trusted, primarily because they arise and are shaped by our own knowledge, or what we think we know (and I think you'd agree that our own knowledge - of pretty much everything - is severely limited).

Faith is simply believing (no more complicated than that, though we often make it so), and believing is no more, absolutely nothing more, than a choice. We choose to accept the things that we're confident in the truth of - i.e., we believe them. You gather information about something until you're more or less sure about it, and then you choose to accept it.

When you went to the altar call, Ren, you judged whether you received anything from God based on your feelings, which were greatly influenced by all the other kids having very visual outbursts (that's probably not the best word to use there, but I think you know what I mean lol). So, because you didn't have any overwhelming feelings like that, you assumed that you didn't 'get' anything. (That happened to me too years ago when I received the Holy Spirit - but fortunately I was talked to by a man of God who understood that, and told me to stop gauging things by what I felt.) God's Word promises that if you ask for the Holy Spirit, you will receive Him - God will give Him to you, period. He never said anything about feeling Him come.

The Holy Spirit did come to you, and He is in you and with you now. How do I know, and how can I say this? Because you asked in sincere desire, and He said that He would give Him to you in response to that (Luke 11:13) - period. God doesn't lie - He cannot. But you said you didn't get anything (what you actually did is make your words stout against God's Words [Malachi 3:13] - that is, you disagreed with Him). Faith in God's Word is to accept It, to agree with It, to choose It - regardless of what we may feel like or see surrounding us.

God is with you, He's in you now. We are called to walk by faith, and not by our sight (our natural perceptions or understandings). Is it easy? Nope, often it ain't lol. It requires a change in our entire mindset and outlook (the Scripture calls it "the renewing of our mind" [Romans 12:2]). But we have to come to Him first of all believing that He is (He exists, and you said that you do), and then believe that He will reward those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6).

Ren, approach the Lord with an open mind. Commit to spending some time with Him daily in the Bible, and in quiet prayer and contemplation. He will answer you, and you'll start perceiving knowledge and comfort. Remember, He and His Word are one and the same. When you read the Bible, you are actually spending time with Jesus, Who is 'The Word of God.'

You're gonna be just fine, Little Friend. If I can ever be of assistance, to answer a question, to listen or be a sounding board, or just to talk, p[lease don't hesitate to contact me

Lester

 

[Brielle00]

Unfortunately, I don't think what I have to say will help you, but I definitely can relate to what your going through. I was born and raised in a Christian home as well, and through the years, I had doubts about my religion, especially because of a lack of feeling God's presence and that he had control of things. I think I lacked the "feeling" because of the importance I find in self-discipline. A preacher on TV got me over that when he talked about Christianity and said it was more than just a feeling you get when your singing your favorite hymn in Church.
My home life very nearly perfect. My family was far from being rich, but we had the support of each other, and with 3 brothers, 4 sisters, and two loving (and strict) parents. That was enough for us, I would have lived like that forever if I could. We had an old fashioned upbringing, including the small family farm, kind of like Little House on the Prairie. I literally had/have no one but my family.
When I was 16 my twin sister was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. That was a huge blow to all of us, but I felt that God was completely in control, and I had almost no anxiety in the situation. Well, my sister had surgeries and radiation, and she was doing well. A little while later, both my Grandpop and Grandmom were in the hospital, and things looked bleak for them both, but I knew God would take care of them. After a quadruple bypass for Grandmom, and the removal of scar tissue from Grandpop's lungs, both are the picture of health for people into their 80's.
One year and one month ago my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. The doctor offered zero support and hope for her, but my family was once again optimistic. We felt she would be healed. Actually, it was more like we KNEW she would be healed. She started receiving chemo, and her cancer #'s were going down, but the doctor still insisted it was only a matter of time. Still we had hope. We read the Bible, listed to the promises and heeded the advice and commands found in it. Countless people prayed for her recovery. We patiently awaited summer when the whole family would go on a camping trip in our old beat up camper. To shorten this a little, my mom died 9/06/2011, she was 52. We never got to go camping.
I can go back through the Bible and list many promises Jesus made, and I know he broke those promises. The words that gave my mom and my family faith and hope were meaningless. I can't view my dad and us (the kids) as a family anymore. My faith is pretty much gone. I still believe in a creator, and life after death, but everything else is gone. My view is this; either Jesus was misquoted, or he was a liar and not the Son of God, or God is a liar and refused to do anything, or he could not do anything. And I am pretty sure I won't worship a God like that. All I want is to fast forward to the end of my time here on Earth so I can see my mom. (And I'm not suicidal, by the way) I don't care whats next, I don't desire to a saviors face. What is even worse is that I don't want to feel this way.

@No_Fear

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I pray that God will comfort, strengthen, and heal you.

I lost my mom many years ago due to cancer. At the time I just turned 22 yrs old, graduated from college, and entered into a whole new world.

The journey was not easy but God was with me. And @No_Fear God is with you. Things may look bleak at the moment, but God's light shines in darkness.

You lost your mom, but you will see her again. Don't lose your faith in God; I'm a witness that He can restore and make you whole.

You are here for a reason. Don't stop living but know that time heals all wounds.

Be Blessed.

 

[athenken]

To add, a little belatedly, to this topic (just joined the site), I would go out on a limb and guess that you attended a somewhat larger church and never really connected with any of the leadership. Namely the Elders and your Pastor. Part of the duties of the Elders is to be involved at least on some level with the members of the church, especially those who are going through the trying years of adolescence and young adulthood.

If you have not already, I would suggest finding a church where their confession is closely in line with your beliefs and get to know someone on the elder board. They will help guide you in your faith and keep you accountable.

I grew up in a medium sized church and never connected with any of the elders until right before I left. I moved across the country and started attending a non-denominational mega-church. Finally, after many years, and after getting married, my family started going to a much smaller church where I now have a great relationship with our pastor and our other church leadership.

It is also good to get involved with a small group bible study. Once you start connecting with people in the church and realizing that there are many people who are going with in not the exact same things you are going through, but at least similar things, you will come to the understanding that you are truly not alone.

Hope this helps.