I've been attending church all my life. You know, I had the kind of parents that made us go to church every single Sunday (even if we were sick or coughing up a lung!). At a young age, I didn't fully appreciate or understand the whole "church thing". Like most children, I just went because that's how my parents wanted it.
I think I first began to question the existence of God when I was 15 or so. I had been going to church for my entire life. I had friends in the youth group and my pastors knew me and my family. I thought I had a perfect thing going at the church and I thought my relationship with God was where it was "supposed" to be. Then, things began to fall apart. I was faced with my parents "almost" separation, my sisters diagnoses with Manic depression and my brothers struggle with sexual sin. My limits were tested and I took it rough. Growing up, I struggled with the concept of "speaking" to God and waiting for his answer. I know now what it means to speak to God, but back when I was a kid, I literally waited for a big booming voice from the heavens to tell me everything was going to be okay. I waited for in depth instructions telling me what to do next. Needless to say, that big booming voice I waited on so intensely, never came. I felt alone.
A few years ago, during one of our youth conferences there was an altar call for anyone who wanted healing or a "fresh installation" of faith...something or rather. I wanted it. By that time, I needed confirmation and reassurance desperately and I was hanging on by a thread. I saw these kids going up one by one and I watched amazed as they were filled with the holy spirit. Each one of them sobbing, or speaking in tongues, and some had simply fallen over (toppling over one another). It was...a little scary. Lol...But I still wanted it! I went to school with some of these kids. They had seemingly perfect lives and I had a patched up family and my faith was diminishing. So, I thought during this altar call, I would give it all to God. I would go up there, they would pray over me and I would feel "refreshed", or renewed. So I gave it my all. I filed up to the front with the hundreds of other teenagers and was prayed over by at least 6 or 7 youth leaders. Then suddenly, in a blink of an eye, it was over. I opened my eyes, and took in the scene ahead of me. I stood in the middle of a room filled with crying teenagers that were either falling where they stood or rejoicing back to their seats. I on the other hand, felt nothing. I know it's terrible, but I stood there thinking, "Why did they get what I wanted so bad? Where's my breakthrough?". I called up to Him, and I came willingly. I came to Him wanting, no, NEEDING Him in the worst way...but there was nothing.
I'm 21 years old now. I have no church I go to. I haven't been to one in almost 2 years. My moral standards, and parts of my Christian roots are still here...but I gave up in a way. I'm not sure if I gave up on God, or if I gave up on the church. I pray, and I speak to God sometimes (which took some time). But if you came up to me and told me to put my life in his hands, I'd tell you that I can't. I can't trust something that I cannot feel. It's not even about what I can and cannot see anymore. I don't feel safe and secure, which is something I was told was promised to every Christian. I picked up some bad habits since then, and I blame God for almost every bad thing that happens in my life. I guess that's a good sign in a way. At least I'm not denying that there is a God. =P Still, it's not a good feeling. I want to feel like there's something else out there that's bigger then myself and everything else. I just can't swallow the possibility that we're alone here. But I also can't seem to accept that God has everything under control, and that when I call on Him..He'll answer.
I would love nothing more then to know for an absolute certainty that God is going to catch me the next time I fall.
How do you know that God is watching over you? What convinces you? How can you have so much faith and trust in something that (in your eyes) let's you down so much?
