No More Excuses - You're Single for a Reason

[Gardener101]

My grandma asked me today when I'm going to get married (heh, as if it's something I can just buy at a store), seeing as how I'm soon to be another year older in a few days and all. I told her to ask God for me because He won't talk to me about it.

Why won't I get married? WHEN will I get married? Beats me. Beats me every time.

It's a pain...ain't it? And the annoying thing for me now is that NOT ONLY is my mum on my case, but my friends and now my BROTHER! Everyone wants to know why I am not married, and when I plan to marry. So I am keeping my romantic life a firm secret right now. I don't need them pressuring any guy I date either.

Can you imagine the embarrassment if that happened?

 

[Tamara224]

Good points, but I would faint at the thought of God asking me to WAIT. Like Coach said, good things from God don't tend to just fall on our lap. We have to work for it.

God has told lots of people to wait. Joseph waited years and years for his dream to come true. He waited while he was working as a slave, in jail, etc.

The thing is... people act like when I say that God told me to wait, that that means I'm sitting in my house waiting for God to drop prince charming through my chimney with roses and a ring.

Now, there may be some seriously stupid women out there who actually think that's what is going to happen.

But I'm not one of them.

And for those who say that I should "work" instead of "wait"... What exactly is it that I should be "working" at? And how do you know (or why do you assume) that I'm not doing those things?

And, aren't you a little afraid that you might actually convince someone to disobey God? Like Sarai did... "Oh, I know God promised, but I just can't believe God is really able to give me a son. Perhaps God will help us if we help ourselves. Go ahead, Abram, sleep with my servant. We'll help ourselves." And that worked out soooo well for everyone involved. Didn't it?

I really don't understand why people on this forum keep trying to talk others out of waiting and trusting in God.

 

[Gardener101]

"Listen, you're so pretty but we both have the same problem: I don't have your phone number and you don't have mine."


(I just KNOW DeliciousBass is going to try this one for real)

The older man younger woman always comes into play and no woman seems to have the ability to recognize a very simple equation:

Younger women have more dating options because they tend to date men their own age and older. It is statistically rare a woman will SERIOUSLY date any man 4 years younger than themselves. Young women have a great deal of options because of this.
As women age their dating pool slowly contracts because they STILL do not date men who are significantly younger then themselves and many of their age group have already paired off.
Young men have fewer dating option because they tend to have to date their own age and younger. (Young professional men still date college girls, 30 year old men date 24 year old women but the reverse rarely happens) Young men have more limited options than young women.:o
As men age their options slowly increase because of increased status and the age pool beneath us grows larger.
The reality is that if you compare the average dating options of a 23 year old woman and 23 year old man, the options will be greatly skewed in the woman's favor. If you compare the dating options of 35 year old man and 35 year old woman, the options will be greatly skewed in the man's favor.
THIS IS REALITY. DEAL WITH IT.
If you're on the lesser end of one of the equations (an older woman, a young man), you're going to have to be better than average. You'll probably have to work harder (be MORE charming, flirtatious, fun and generally wonderful). But don't just complain about how its unfair. That's just wasted time and mental energy.

 

[Gardener101]

God has told lots of people to wait. Joseph waited years and years for his dream to come true. He waited while he was working as a slave, in jail, etc.

The thing is... people act like when I say that God told me to wait, that that means I'm sitting in my house waiting for God to drop prince charming through my chimney with roses and a ring.

Now, there may be some seriously stupid women out there who actually think that's what is going to happen.

But I'm not one of them.

And for those who say that I should "work" instead of "wait"... What exactly is it that I should be "working" at? And how do you know (or why do you assume) that I'm not doing those things?

And, aren't you a little afraid that you might actually convince someone to disobey God? Like Sarai did... "Oh, I know God promised, but I just can't believe God is really able to give me a son. Perhaps God will help us if we help ourselves. Go ahead, Abram, sleep with my servant. We'll help ourselves." And that worked out soooo well for everyone involved. Didn't it?

I really don't understand why people on this forum keep trying to talk others out of waiting and trusting in God.

My main concern is people HEARING FROM GOD, WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR...and using that as a cop out from taking any form of action whatsoever.

If you read the Old Testament, there are, in my view, more calls for ACTION from God than calls for 'waiting'.

I suspect some people delude themselves into hearing God saying 'wait for Prince Charming'.

JMHO.

 

[Tamara224]

My main concern is people HEARING FROM GOD, WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR...and using that as a cop out from taking any form of action whatsoever.

If you read the Old Testament, there are, in my view, more calls for ACTION from God than calls for 'waiting'.

I suspect some people delude themselves into hearing God saying 'wait for Prince Charming'.

JMHO.

It's possible. People delude themselves about what God said a lot. But how can you ever really know that? Do you have a special ability to know what God has told someone else for their life?

Listen, I just am trying to make a point that this kind of thing cannot be generalized.

There is no set of rules for how and when people are supposed to or will get married. There isn't one reason why people remain single.

All this stereotyping does is make people feel worse about themselves. It makes them feel the need to defend themselves. It makes them feel that there is something wrong with them when that may not be the case at all.

You can't broadbrush. If you don't take the time to know a person, you can't possible tell them how to fix their life.


I mean, here we have a bunch of young men and women in this forum who want to remain sexually pure, who are wanting to make wise decisions in who they date and marry because they are wise enough to know that bad decisions in this area lead to misery. But because this discretion they have shown in who they date means that they often remain single longer... somehow that gets turned around into they are doing something wrong.

Well, that's bs. They're not doing anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with being single. There is nothing wrong with being discriminating (having standards). There is nothing wrong with waiting and trusting God.

 

[Lady Bug]

I also believe in proactivity somehow in seeking a spouse, but I don't really know how to be, when you encounter others who may not want to help you; they just douse the "gift of singleness" platitude in your face and tell you flat out to wait on the Lord.

Gardener what have you been doing to be proactive in finding a spouse, since that is what you believe?

 

[Gardener101]

I also believe in proactivity somehow in seeking a spouse, but I don't really know how to be, when you encounter others who may not want to help you; they just douse the "gift of singleness" platitude in your face and tell you flat out to wait on the Lord.

Gardener what have you been doing to be proactive in finding a spouse, since that is what you believe?

Internet Dating. Worked a treat!

Try it. PLEASE!

 

[Gardener101]

Alternatively, you could always try some of the things the lady in the OP does to get dates. This is what she's tried:

"I have run out of ideas for meeting men in my city. I am doing online dating...every site out there. I go to speed dating events and lock and key events. I talk to strangers...in elevators, at the mall, in the car at a red light, on the train...I am very outgoing and sociable. I always make eye contact, smile and say hello. I am never home. I go out of my way to shop at specific stores in specific neighbourhoods that have more singles. I NEVER turn down an invitation to a party, get together, event. I am part of every meetup group in my city. I get everywhere 30 minutes early and make myself visible. I tell everyone I meet and know that I am single and searching. I go to bookstores, cafes, music stores, hardware stores, all the places they say the men are. I go to sporting events..even if I don't like the sport. I wear or carry conversation starters...a t-shirt with something funny or a pin or a book. I always read in public places instead of at home. I don't really like bars or clubs but lately I also go there. I go to jazz lounges, jazz festivals, music concerts. I go to happy hours. If I do meet a guy and it doesn't work out I always tell him that if he has any male friends he thinks I would like to please introduce me....networking. I volunteer at hospitals, non profits, fundraiser galas, museums, marathons/bikeathons.
I'm going broke doing all these things just to meet someone! I have girlfriends who never leave the house and so never meet anyone. But that is not my case. Any one have any other ideas!!!! |Kiddo, Age: 37"


So there you have it...the woman from the OP...who can't find Mr Right in spite of all her efforts.

 

[Lady Bug]

well I haven't really ruled out internet dating. I just would prefer it not to be long distance. I can't stand nontangible relationships. Another reservation is that I am not photogenic (yeah my character is cuter) so any look at me in a picture might cause others to reflexively look the other way. Kinda like when you look at the sun.

 

[Luther073082]

Tamara its like I said before. A lot of people are afraid to date abnormal people.

And plus most people both men and women expect sex to be part of a relationship. And when the person refuses to have sex they feel its their right to no longer date them or leave them.

We're all pretty "hardcore" Christians here. But the reality is as a percentage of the population, we are relativly small.

 

[GQ Chris]

well the problem is that most guys/gals want a Hot man or woman, and set their standards high up there, thats the truth.

 

[vangelicmonk]

I think some people forget how huge personality plays into attraction. I know for myself when I was dealing with anxiety and very withdrawn, it would be evident even when I tried to hide it. I also know that when I am not doing well spiritually it reflects in my confidence and ease (or lack thereof) being around people. I think people focus too much on outside appearence and money (even as Christians) in this regard. Personality makes a "huge" difference and it isn't just that people are happy, talkative or some formula someone puts together. It is hard to describe, but the best way I can describe it is somone very comfortable in their skin and also comfortable with everyone else.

 

[sampa]

I think some people forget how huge personality plays into attraction. I know for myself when I was dealing with anxiety and very withdrawn, it would be evident even when I tried to hide it. I also know that when I am not doing well spiritually it reflects in my confidence and ease (or lack thereof) being around people. I think people focus too much on outside appearence and money (even as Christians) in this regard. Personality makes a "huge" difference and it isn't just that people are happy, talkative or some formula someone puts together. It is hard to describe, but the best way I can describe it is somone very comfortable in their skin and also comfortable with everyone else.

you are right vangelicmonk about personality. I know a gal in my church that has wonderful things to say, but it so scared to say them. She's gotten anxious in a small group study that she hyper venelated. I asked if she was out of breath, the others said she's just nervous.
She looks down most of the time and when try to make eye contact with her and smile, she suddenly has to look down and cough or something. For her, I'm sure it's hard to meet someone. She's a Godly woman and knows her scripture, she's just uneasy with people she doesn't know.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

ladybug> Your faith is not negotiable you should look for a guy who is a Christian without question.

But I've seen some crazy requirements from women that they have for a man before they will ever consider him.

Here is a good one "Must have stronger faith then me." First of all the strenghth of someone's faith is not something easily measured. But also why in the world do some women think they have the right to require a man to be better then they are in a lot of ways.

Maybe they want that because the guy is supposed to be the spiritual leader of his household. I am pretty strong in my faith and I DO want someone that is stronger in his faith, so he can lead me. I think it's natural and how God would want it.

 

[Luther073082]

Maybe they want that because the guy is supposed to be the spiritual leader of his household. I am pretty strong in my faith and I DO want someone that is stronger in his faith, so he can lead me. I think it's natural and how God would want it.

I don't think God ment for the men to necessarily be stronger in their faith. Assuming you can measure such things this is a logical fallicy.(sp?)

What happens to those women of incredibly strong faith that almost no one can match? They either have to accept the leadership of a man of weaker faith or they have to remain single.

What about the men then? That would indicate that every man should have to have this supersized faith to get a girl.

So in the end every girl must have weaker faith then just about every man. Or girls with strong faith can't get married and men with less then average faith can't either.

Why do women all have weak faiths? <--This is where that logic leads!

And then I've wondered about the denominations that allow women pastors. If her husband is not also a pastor and he goes to the same congregation as she, then does that not lead to the fact that she is infact his spiritual leader?

 

[SonicBOOM]

I think men and women are strong spiritailly in diffrent ways and thats why it can sometimes be assumed that "men are more spiritail" or "Women are more spiritail". Women tend to be spiritail in the area of beauty and grace and love while men tend to be spiritail in area of strength and confedence and holiness. I think anyone has seen both of these type of men and women, i know I have. So i say men and women are spiritail in diffrent ways.... but we're both equelling spiritail.

 

[Luther073082]

Actually I'm not sure that men and women are even spiritual in different ways.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

i dont think its wrong to want a man who can be a spiritual leader to you....I think its quite biblical actually

 

[Quoth]

In response to the original post:

Tact is a wonderful thing.

 

[Fenak]

well.. perhaps i dont agree 100%..
but definitely, 90%..

and im not saying that we should not wait on God.. but, yeah, we can be very picky.. and yes, we can turn down a great person that God have prepared for us because of this..

i guess the main point of this opinion is that we should not idealize a charming prince or whatever, because it doesn't exist...

maybe there is a person that truly loves God, loves Christ, loves us.. but still, we prefer that one prettier, that one that just caught our eyes for some less-important reasons..

NOBODY (i'll repeat: NOBODY) is perfect.. so, if I, and if YOU (all of us) are not a kind of "materialized perfection", why do we foolish ourselves trying to find that on another person?

same spirit (in God), chemistry, intimacy, thoughts-sharing and sexual attraction are very important.. but maybe, a lot of people shut their minds on the most beautiful, the most religious, the most.. most.. most..

then, IMO.. it will probably lead ourselves to a frustrated way..