New Spouse before kids?

[Jacque&boys]

We have an issue at our house that we need to clear up if possible. I have 3 boys 15, 16 and 21. Their father and I have been divorced for 12 years, and for the 12 years, their has always said, that his new spouse should come before his own kids. So today he came by to see them and told them this. Using god as the one who says it. He hasnt been in thier life a whole lot because he remarried 3 months after we seperated. Can someone please help me out with the way others think. I think your kids come before anything in your life and you should be there to support them no matter what.

Thanks

 

[BereanTodd]

If he is using the idea that he is ok to ignore/neglect his kids because of his new spouse, that is not a vallid argument. The fact that he was married 3 months after a divorce also does not speak well of his spiritual state, at least at that time (God hates divorce, no new marriage should have been had at all unless and until all routes to reuniting with you had been exhausted. I gaurantee at 3 months that had not taken place).

NOW ... all of that having been said. I do believe that the proper line/priory is God->spouse->children, and that is how I see things in my life. That does not mean that I don't love and care for my children, any more than the fact that God comes before my wife means I don't love her. But the two are ONE flesh, and I do believe that the marital relationship is a special and sacred relationship that comes before anything other than our relationship with God Himself.

 

[LiturgyInDMinor]

Biblically the marriage comes first, then the kids. I am a step father of 3 and my wife and I went thru a similar thing.

thanks.

 

[FreeinChrist]

Well, ideally marriage comes first.

As a mom, though, once we brought kids in the world, the kids came first and my husband and I put them as our first priority period. If we had divorced, our first priority would have been them.

You haven't given any details as to HOW he defined marriage first - and that would be important information. Ideally, the parents - even if parent and step parent - would have a solid relationship and respond wisely to the needs that occur in childhood. As a school RN, however, I can guaranteed tha this is rarely done.

 

[visionary]

While the ideal would be as those above posts suggest... real life and real choices by those involved can upset the ideal. Your X has chosen not to be married to you, chosen not to associate with his own children.. in fact disowned them.. for all intents and purposes. .. Not a good example of what is right... and using God as an excuse... will not sit well with God...

So where do you go from here....... How do you raise your boys in the way that they should go.. and not the way that their father did...Since they are old enough.. I would suggest a family pow pow where you get everything out in the open... and airing the dirty laundry... not for them or you to diss the dad... but to teach that these mistakes have affected them and not to pass it on to their children and wives... to choose wisely and live responsibly.

 

[LiturgyInDMinor]

Sorry I am not talking about ideals...it's reality. You can't have a healthy relationship with your kids without first having a healty marriage(even if the dad has remarried, that marriage needs to be healthy FIRST and then the kids will clue into that). There is nothing worse than circumventing your spouse because of the kids whether it be a parent or step-parent.
I agree with the OP's ex here, he's on the right track if he's doing it biblically. Heck it's also in the marriage vows...."let no one tear usunder" or something similar to that concerning a couple's vow of spending the rest of their lives together....and that includes the children too(some kids try to rip apart a parent's second marriage).

Nothing to do with ideals here folks.
I've been thru it.

 

[dies-l]

It is a difficult question, I think, because Scripture treats divorce as, at best, an occassionally necessary evil. God's plan never includes divorce (nor does it include the factors that lead to divorce, such as abuse, addiction, impulsivity, etc.). So, the very fact of divorce, especially of divorce involving children falls short of the ideal. And, I see nothing in Scripture that envisages within the Church the very high divorce rate that we now see. So, to act as though there is a clear cut biblical argument that "new wife trumps the kids" strikes me as not much more than self-justitication (I assume using, rather abusively, a passage such as Eph. 5:25-33).

I would argue that when two people marry and have children there is a committment created therein that trumps divorce and remarriage. So, regardless of his choice to remarry, a man continues to have a duty to his ex-wife to the extent of cooperating with her in the upbringing of his children. If he cannot keep this commitment and love his new wife "as Christ loved the Church" he has no business remarrying.

The plain and simple fact is that you are describing a man who is doing mental gymnastics with Scripture to make it say what he wants it to say to justify his own irresponsility. There is no rational explanation for such a person. It would seem that he does not really care how Scripture might really lead him. Sounds like a pretty dreadful father.

That being said, it is what it is, and he is the father your kids have, for better or worse. All you can do is try to be the best mother you can be and pray for him that he will come around to honoring his duty to his children.

 

[LiturgyInDMinor]

It is a difficult question, I think, because Scripture treats divorce as, at best, an occassionally necessary evil. God's plan never includes divorce (nor does it include the factors that lead to divorce, such as abuse, addiction, impulsivity, etc.). So, the very fact of divorce, especially of divorce involving children falls short of the ideal. And, I see nothing in Scripture that envisages within the Church the very high divorce rate that we now see. So, to act as though there is a clear cut biblical argument that "new wife trumps the kids" strikes me as not much more than self-justitication (I assume using, rather abusively, a passage such as Eph. 5:25-33).

I would argue that when two people marry and have children there is a committment created therein that trumps divorce and remarriage. So, regardless of his choice to remarry, a man continues to have a duty to his ex-wife to the extent of cooperating with her in the upbringing of his children. If he cannot keep this commitment and love his new wife "as Christ loved the Church" he has no business remarrying.

The plain and simple fact is that you are describing a man who is doing mental gymnastics with Scripture to make it say what he wants it to say to justify his own irresponsility. There is no rational explanation for such a person. It would seem that he does not really care how Scripture might really lead him. Sounds like a pretty dreadful father.

Talk about reading into something that isn't there!!!!!
Were'd you get all of this accusatory info about the dad?????
What on earth are you thinking?

 

[dies-l]

Talk about reading into something that isn't there!!!!!
Were'd you get all of this accusatory info about the dad?????
What on earth are you thinking?

I am not quite sure what you think I am reading into the situation. I am taking the OP at face value that Dad uses Scripture to justify being minimally involved with his kids. IMHO, any man who says, "The Bible says my new wife comes before my kids" to justify a lack of involvement with his children is not being faithful to honestly understanding and applying Scripture.

 

[LiturgyInDMinor]

Scripturally his marriage comes first regardless if he's in their life for 5 minutes a month or all day everyday(that being the better of the two).

 

[dies-l]

Scripturally his marriage comes first regardless if he's in their life for 5 minutes a month or all day everyday(that being the better of the two).

I disagree, especially in the case of a second marriage. One could reasonably (if not strongly) argue from Scripture that his primary duty is to his first wife (which implies a duty to the kids he begat with his first wife). This scenario illustrates very well why divorce and remarriage is such a morally complicated issue and why, biblically speaking, it should be the exception rather than the rule. Ultimately, I don't know of any reasonable reading of Scripture or any passage of Scripture that suggests that when one remarries after a divorce, his responsibility to his wife and kids from his first marriage is secondary to his responsibility to his new wife. Can you show me the interpretation that allows you to come to the conclusion you do (assuming that you are disagreeing with me)?

 

[MyHeroIsJesus]

Scripturally his marriage comes first regardless if he's in their life for 5 minutes a month or all day everyday(that being the better of the two).

That depends on whether we are saved or not, when we blatantly follow the ways of the world we probably are not. If we are repentant we will fulfill our duties as fathers and husbands. It is up to us individually to do that which brings glory to God. Trials are by fire and we will be refined.

Our relationship with God must be right in order for all the others to work.

Peace and Grace
Todd

 

[icamewithasword]

Really hard to say; or "condemn" any party here. Depends on why he said what he said to his kids.
I, myself, am a divorced and remarried father of my own and also step-father. I agree that new spouse comes "first", yet (from outside looking in) feel sorry for the children that are told they're not first anymore. It is a great balancing act to be in these situations, and blended families are VERY DIFFICULT; to say the least.
Personally, I would never feel "right" telling my kids they came second, because I know it would break their hearts.
And unless the divorce was biblical to begin with; I would NOT have brought God into the mix....
My $.02

 

[LiturgyInDMinor]

I disagree, especially in the case of a second marriage. One could reasonably (if not strongly) argue from Scripture that his primary duty is to his first wife (which implies a duty to the kids he begat with his first wife). This scenario illustrates very well why divorce and remarriage is such a morally complicated issue and why, biblically speaking, it should be the exception rather than the rule. Ultimately, I don't know of any reasonable reading of Scripture or any passage of Scripture that suggests that when one remarries after a divorce, his responsibility to his wife and kids from his first marriage is secondary to his responsibility to his new wife. Can you show me the interpretation that allows you to come to the conclusion you do (assuming that you are disagreeing with me)?

Scripturally you are correct here. I cannot argue with it because the scriptures do not address 2nd marriages as valid.


I found this on the net somewhere:

The relationship between parent and child is important, but it's not as fundamental as the relationship between a husband and a wife (Genesis 2:24). Too often, though, parents feel a pull to put the children first in the family, and in the process, they neglect their spouse.
It's natural for parents to feel protective of their children. But parents who have gone through a life-shattering divorce feel especially protective. They don't want their children to hurt anymore, or to fear losing them again. For that reason, putting a new spouse first can feel like they are betraying their children.
Children need to know you love them and that you will always be there for them. Just as important, they need the security of a stable home. A healthy marriage gives children that security, because when a husband and a wife are looking out for each other's interests, they will also look out for the best interests of the children.
Putting your spouse first never means that you neglect or abuse your children. And it certainly doesn't mean that you allow a new spouse to neglect or abuse the children. Even something like showing favoritism, which is natural to do, should be talked about and addressed in a blended family. Ignoring unfair treatment is wrong (Romans 12:9). Parents are always responsible to provide loving, secure, healthy, and safe homes for their children to grow (Proverbs 14:26).
It's important for husbands and wives to consider one another's feelings and opinions. They need to stick together and head in the same direction as a couple and as parents. They should pursue each other and show deep care and respect for one another. A caring and loving spouse knows that what affects them, affects their spouse and the children. Happy marriages are loving, respectful, and considerate (Ephesians 5:21-33).
A good marriage not only gives children the security of a stable home, but it also gives them a positive example of what God intended a marriage to be. They will learn about love, confession, forgiveness, accountability, responsibility, and honesty. Parents who love one another deeply help their children develop realistic expectations about what it takes to build a strong marriage. Children need that kind of example to give them hope for their own futures.

 

[LiturgyInDMinor]

My entire point is that when one marries a covenant is established.(in the case of a divorce and remarriage, 2 covenants are established....I'm not sure how God handles that one LOL)


Anyway, to the point: parents do not biblically have a covenant with their children ever.

American parents shoot ourselves in the foot by making our children the center of our universe. And we certainly don't help our kids, either.
Instead of trying to create perfect childhoods for our kids by making them the center of our universe, we should focus on creating a good marriage.(or in this case...Dad can hopefully show the kids a healthy marriage and mom should not interfere with that.)

Trey Morgan.net


I also think we need a lot more input from the OP on her situation(if she wants)...it's kinda general.


thanks for listening.

 

[JCFantasy23]

He actually came right out and said this to the kids? Wow, poor things. That would be horrible for any child to hear from a parent.

 

[LiturgyInDMinor]

The fact is I went thru this as the step dad here. My wife basically laid it out on the line to her 13,10,7 year old kids.(their dad is still alive and a part of their lives and is honestly a dillhole). They at the time were trying to pull the old "let's break up mommy's new relationship" thing...she called them on it big time.
Stop trying to make this sound so bad when the OP didn't ever state specifics.
Poor things..? Total speculation as or right now people. I want to hear more from the OP.

Oh...big postscript here: My stepkids and I are tight as can be now after 4 years. YES it takes time...but if it's done biblically and with the correct motivation...it will work. The OP didn't explain much to anyone here to even consider that dad was being "unfair".
--nuff said--

 

[VT_Boy]

Is he a christian?Some people disagree on divorce and remarriage. Just because you are divorced, doesn't mean your ex has the right to neglect his own children.He has no excuse in my opinion to not help raise your children even though you are divorce. He might not be there as much as you and your children would like but he should as much as possible. He should financially provide for them and if he doesn't he is not obeying God's rules on it.It will be his loss for not doing it and he will have to ultimately answer to God for it.


I Timothy 5:8 is one of the strongest statements in the Bible: "If any one does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his own family, he has disowned the faith and is worse than an infidel.

That's strong words. Providing doesn't always mean money but his time, attention, love and care of them.
A Father should be teaching social skills too. Sons mimic their fathers and too many mimic bad behaviors or don't know how to act because of not having a father in their lives to see a Godly role model.
Fathers are told to bring their children up "in the discipline and instruction of the Lord," Ephesians 6:4. Fathers are to train up their children in the way they should go, so effectively that it will stick with them throughout their whole lives, Proverbs 22:6.

Just because there's a new wife doesn't give him an excuse to God or anyone else for not doing his responsibility what he chose when he became a father.

 

[becareful]

We have an issue at our house that we need to clear up if possible. I have 3 boys 15, 16 and 21. Their father and I have been divorced for 12 years, and for the 12 years, their has always said, that his new spouse should come before his own kids. So today he came by to see them and told them this. Using god as the one who says it. He hasnt been in thier life a whole lot because he remarried 3 months after we seperated. Can someone please help me out with the way others think. I think your kids come before anything in your life and you should be there to support them no matter what.

Thanks

IMHO...
Issue 1. Does his wife come before his kids? Yes. (Ephesians 5:22-33)
Issue 2. Does it excuse him from taking care of his children? Absolutely NOT. (Matthew 7:9-12, Ephesians 6:4)

Just becareful how you frame this topic while discussing with your children. It doesn't have to be a discussion that is this direct. If a marriage is functioning correctly the kids will be satisfied with their role in the family. I would advise that you be concerned with what you can teach your sons and let him be responsible for his relationship with them. Teach them what is right in God's plan and if they believe they will realize his distance from God.

Remember... he is not your husband anymore and you are not his wife. You have a covenant with God on your marriage with him... you don't have a covenant with him. I believe the commitments to the covenant are applicable to the fruits of the 1st marriage (the children). He still has a covenant that requires him to fully support his children as a father. Don't expect things of him that a wife would expect...

Becareful... to search for God's solution not your own(Matthew 10:27).

I know this isn't easy... I'll pray for you.

God Bless!
becareful

 

[edie19]

American parents shoot ourselves in the foot by making our children the center of our universe. And we certainly don't help our kids, either.
Instead of trying to create perfect childhoods for our kids by making them the center of our universe, we should focus on creating a good marriage.(or in this case...Dad can hopefully show the kids a healthy marriage and mom should not interfere with that.)

agree with this 110%

I know too many folks who so focused on their children that when their kids grew up and moved away (as they should) the parents discovered that they didn't know anything about each other anymore, they had nothing in common and had nothing to say to each other. Many of those same marriages ended in divorce after 20-25 years.

For as long as I can remember my parents put each other first - one of my strongest memories is that my parents went out every Friday night - even when times were tough, even if only for an hour at the sandwich shop. They made each other their number one priority - they were friends & lovers, they valued each other (my mother was more precious than jewels to my dad). They weren't concerned about appeasing us at their expense.