Need help from a desperate Dad

[ttabor24]

Hello everyone. I would like to share my story and get some advice on what to do. I am a divorced father who has since remarried and my wife and I are expecting a child in September.

I have three children from a prior marriage. Their ages are 17, 16 and 12. For the last two years I have had a difficult relationship with them. I don't get to see them all the time like I used to. I get them every other weekend and on Wednesdays overnight.
When I was first divorced and they would act up I would always give in to them because I did not want them to be mad at me and not want to come visit me. I wanted them to love their dad.

My ex-wove is very unreasonable to say the least and I I was really financially harmed in the divorce. I ended up paying her 1600 a month in support and leaving me with all the bills and 1400 to leave off a month. So after bills were paid I did not have any left to give the kids extras and I feel so bad telling them "I have no money".

Recently my wife and I took back over the house my ex wife was awarded in the divorce because she did not make a house payment for over 8 months even thou she was getting enough support from me to pay it. I had to file chapter 13 to save the house to live in.

So needless to say my wife and I are on a tight budget to make the house payment and save some money because when the baby is born she will not be able to work for a while

Back to the kids and I. For the last year I have been pleading with my kids telling them to love and respect me. My daughter I adopted her when she was 7 years old but I have been the only father in her life since she was three months old. She has trouble making and keeping friends and she worships the ground her mother walks on. I have been going to theropy with her on growing our relationship. I text her all the time telling her I love her and most of the time she does not respond. Over the last two years she has texted or called me maybe twice and both times was because she needed something.

My 16 year old son is a hot head. He has been suspended from school the last two years for fighting. He flip flops between his mother and I when it is to his benefit.

My 12 year old is just a small fry and so easy going but he is starting to be disrespectful

Enough with some background info. Here is where I need help. About three months ago my wife and I helped my 16 year old buy a truck because he was doing good and has a job. I felt like it was my responsibility to help him with his first car but I did not have the funds to do that. My wife was in need of a car so we were able to get her a car and my son a truck on her loan. The deal was that he got this truck but his grades had to stay up and he had to stay out of trouble. He also had to make monthly payments to us of 100 until the 1500 was paid off. His mother also put in 500 for the truck

Last Wednesday my son had to work until 9:00pm. 9:30 came around and he was not home yet so I texted him and about 15 min later he said he worked an extra hour. So I told him he has to let me know that stuff because he is only 16. He came home at 10:30 [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed off. I also need to add that he decided a week earlier that he wanted to sell his truck for a car. I did not know if I wanted to do that but he decided he wanted to. He texted me all day wanting me to find the title and I told him I was busy working.

So after he got home [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed of and not talking I went downstairs to login to work so I called him down and told him to look in these two boxes for his title. He picked up a box and threw it down and yelled at me and said WHY DIDN'T YOU LOOK FOR IT! I said excuse me. And he picked it back up and threw it down again and said your always telling us what to do. Why didn't you look for it. So I hoped up and grabbed his shirt and said you are not going to talk to me that way. He pushed me so I pushed him back. He was next to the stairs going up so he tripped on them. He got up and rushed at me so I grabbed him and took him to the ground and told him he better calm the f$&k down. By this time my daughter is down stairs and said dad let him up. So I let him go. The whole event took less then 30 seconds and it was nothing. I wrestle withy boys way worse then this.

He got up and stood by the stairs yelling and me and his sister is holding him back and he pushes her off him and says get off me. She hits her elbow on the railing. I tell him I am taking him to his mothers and he says he is leaving in the truck and leaves.

I tell his sister to text their mother that we are coming to get the truck. She calls me and says she will take care of it. I told her no we are coming to get it because this is between him and I. We go over there to get the truck and she will not answer the door. We call the cops to get the truck and while waiting for the cops she lets my daughter in the house. The cops come and they tell us because we put this name on the title with my wife there was nothing we could do so I call my daughter and my ex wife answers and I tell her she wants to do things the hard way and hung up on her and we left

My youngest still stayed the night and the next morning my wife and I decided we have done enough for these kids and he needed to be in trouble. So we texted him and my ex stating that we are canceling his insurance and that he needed to get some before he could drive it. My ex wive writes back that she thought I would have been a mature adult and just let things calm down. I tested them all and said we are also shutting off the cell phones and your mom can carry them. She wrote back that I might want to reconsider and if I throw the first stone I cannot take it back

Needless to say around 6 that next night the cops showed up and I have been cited with two counts of child abuse. I am crushed. For two days I was in a fog and my wife had to go to the ER for the baby because of stress.

We had to hire an attorney for all this and that has depleted our saving for when the baby is born. I cry all the time and I follow my son on twitter and the language he uses and the thing he does is awful.

Yes for some reason I was cited for two accounts of child abuse and my daughter is saying I did something to her and she was not even involved. I do not know what the police report says yet so we just have to wait my attorney said if it goes to court it will be in sept when the baby is born.

I am crushed right now because I did nothing wrong and child services is going to come visit this week and money issues now and we are now stuck paying his truck payment because it is in my wives name.

This should be a happy time and it is living hell. I told my ex wive I was coming to get my youngest tomorrow but she said he does not want to see me. Not sure if that is true but I could take her to court for contempt but I don't have the money or time off of work to do it. Plus to be truthful I am a worried about ever seeing them again. If they can do this for shutting off their cell phones I am not sure what they could do. I will never be able to parent them again after this. I have worked hard ally live for these kids but unfortunately they have a mother that is trashy. I cannot deal with her anymore. She is ruining my life. But I cry all the time now because I love my kids. There is so much more but I think this is enogh. Thanks for reading.

 

[BFine]

You know that your son in question is a "hot head" as you termed it,
grabbing him up by the shirt collar wasn't a good move on your part.
Since that is considered assault.

Telling your son to watch his language, are you minding your own
language and temper? It sounds like you and your son have a lot
of the same traits. These traits need to be worked on so you can
resolve issues without resorting to near fights/wrestling matches
or whatever you want to call it.

I recommend family counseling, even if you have to attend the sessions
by yourself, there's a lot of anger etc that needs to be worked out before
you try to re-connect with your children.

Calling their mom names isn't going to help matters, I do hope you aren't
doing this in front of your children???

I would encourage more attention on working on your attitude and spiritual
development.
I'm sorry things are stressful for you and your pregnant wife but much of
what has occurred could of been avoided if you had backed off when things
got heated...took time to calm down and spent some time praying about
the problems instead of allowing your flesh to rule in the situation between
you and your son.

 

[ttabor24]

I figured there would be Christians on here that would judge me. I feel as thou I did nothing wrong. What happened to punishing your children? Thank you for reading my story but I completely disagree with your assessment.

 

[SharonL]

I don't have much encouragement except the fact that the kids will always take the mothers side because she is training them to do that. I am a victim of these problems also. I raised my husband's 2 children - I got them at 4 & 6 - their mother deserted them - came back 14 years later saw them for 2 hours and ruined our lives.

I gave it all I had raising them as my own. They told so many lies at school that the school was going to get the child welfare department after us. They were treated very good, had all the bells and whistles but still believed the mother after she told them I broke up the marriage - my husband was divorced and raising the kids alone when I met them.

But no amount of love and devotion can change the kids minds when they are filled with lies from the mother. They are naturally closer to the mother. If you don't have full co-operation with the ex-wife
you will lose out - sorry to say.

I really feel for the wife - I look back on what I gave up to raise the kids and get nothing to show for it and I resent it. Your wife will do the same - you are between the rock and the hard place - but you have a lawyer and just do as he says. You will probably lose out on the affections of the kids and there will be nothing you can do about it until they are older and can see for themselves. I don't mean to add to your worry, but I just don't want you to beat yourself up thinking it is all your fault - it is not - you can have counseling and do whatever you can - we went through all that also.

It is easy for someone that has not been through this to look at it and take sides, but there isn't a side to take - all are hurting and the children form opinions based upon what they hear the most of, which in this case is the mother. I fought all my step-children's lives to be the mother they didn't have - yet I am the bad guy in their eyes. That is not easy to take when you try so hard.

Do what you can with the kids, but just accept the fact that their loyalty will be with their mother. I know I will be taken to task for telling you this, but I've lived it and see how it works. You can only do so much. Praying for you.

 

[parsley]

Sorry to hear that things are so tense.

I am crushed.

Rage sometimes comes out when other things are not expressed. It sounds like you are hurt that your son doesn't appreciate what you have given him. And your son might feel hurt that he can't earn your respect. You want a loving relationship with him, and he probably wants that deep down, but it seems so impossible to get there he just retaliates instead.

He might be hurt that you found time for the baby, and the second wife, when he needed you for something but didn't put it into words.

That amount of reaction from him is not from one incident. He might not like living with his mom... might misunderstand the limits you have on visitations. It could be that he wants a different vehicle because he feels like he's not free to make his own choices --in different realms of his life. (In truth he is -- he can save up for one himself.)

Most kids I know who have been through divorce have also generated additional stress as a result. It just happens. They had one life, then had to switch to two unfamiliar lives.

Demanding that you get the title immediately was ridiculous. People misplace their titles all the time, and take a few days to recall where they put it. Some put theirs in a safe deposit box, and need to go during banking hours. I am not surprised by your initial reaction. But then you got offended by his overreaction.

Calm yourself down for a minute and picture everyone as a little kid, including yourself. Look at yourself as the boy you were at ten years old, twelve, sixteen, twenty. There are things we cry out for that we never got from our parents -- respect, time, acclaim, love, compliments...
Sometimes we try to fix that before we do the same to our kids, and we get frustrated when we're not able to avoid it.

People get hurt, fearful, angry. Teens want independence, and to be treated like adults -- whether they can be trusted with that or not.

Make sure you cut back on any possible substance use, as that can distort your perception of your own actions. (People wearing lampshades are not always the life of the party.)

Make sure that the time you have with your kids is not a playing card you exchange with your ex. The time is not about her, but about raising your own kids and helping them be ready for this cruel world. The money is gone, and you have made sacrifices... so don't look at that either. You are angry with her, with good cause, but anger gets you nowhere.

Live in forgiveness. Learn how to be relaxed no matter what happens to you. Live at peace with yourself, with God, with others. Your money was just a vehicle to get things -- you can make more.

Holding onto the memory will build up bitterness in you, and your family will see it on your face. Shake some of the past our of your mind, and figure out how to start fresh. Lean on God for solutions -- He's there for you.

 

[ecotime47]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Parenting in a blended family can be very challenging. It sounds like you have run into a few of those challenges with your kids and ex.

I work for Focus on the Family. You might want to consider checking out our website. There's a lot of useful information including a series of articles on the challenge of parenting in blended families. I would also highly suggest contacting our ministry at 1-800-A-FAMILY. You can speak with one of our Christian counselors for free. I am praying for you today friend. Hang in there!

 

[Albion]

I don't know what you can do with the legal proceedings, but I'd suggest cutting ties with the kids--amicably, of course, not with any recriminations or nastiness, even if they deserve it. Try to live your new life with a new family and hope that some day the older kids will see things differently.

 

[ValleyGal]

I figured there would be Christians on here that would judge me. I feel as thou I did nothing wrong. What happened to punishing your children? Thank you for reading my story but I completely disagree with your assessment.

Punishing children rarely works. Discipline is much more helpful, and it is based more on a teaching approach. When your son got mad that you had not looked for the title, it was a perfect teaching moment for you to teach boundaries. It is his truck, he wants to trade it for a car, so he is the one who needed to be responsible for finding the title - not you. It would have been helpful to explain that to him rather than grab him by the scruff and end up in a physical altercation.

Also, he is 16 and will be an adult in two years. I'm not so sure kids that age need "punishment" per se....not like a spanking for disobeying a parent. There was no disobedience here, just an attitude. And developmentally speaking, teens need this attitude. That's not to say it's okay to treat you disrespectfully, but it is to say it is part of their individuation - the process of becoming an adult.

What happened certainly is, by the book, a child protection issue (I used to work in child protection, and BFine is pretty much saying like it is in that department). It's always easier to point a finger and blame the other person. You were triggered. Fair enough. But we are all responsible for how we react, and physical altercations with our children is never okay, not even if they provoked us. The situation may have implications for your visitation rights. Take a little time and think about how you could have done things differently to diffuse the situation rather than exacerbate it.

 

[BFine]

I figured there would be Christians on here that would judge me. I feel as thou I did nothing wrong. What happened to punishing your children? Thank you for reading my story but I completely disagree with your assessment.

*It's fine if you disagree but I learned the hard way about putting
my hands on someone, according to the law that is called assault.
Assault doesn't always mean you hit the person, it implies intent
or the person feeling you were going to commit battery.
Your own situation was heated and no doubt a lot of things were said
and done that one wishes could be undone.

I don't know all the ins and outs but as things stand you are
facing charges and will have to face a judge in court.
Have you sought good counsel?

There's nothing wrong with punishing your children as long as
it doesn't involve hitting or bruising them according to the law of the land.
My mom punished me just fine without assaulting me, causing bruises or
making me feel I was in danger of being battered.

 

[Albion]

OK, all that needed to be said, but now we owe it to our inquirer to give him advice about how to move forward with everything else that's on his mind.

 

[ttabor24]

Sorry to hear that things are so tense.
Rage sometimes comes out when other things are not expressed. It sounds like you are hurt that your son doesn't appreciate what you have given him. And your son might feel hurt that he can't earn your respect. You want a loving relationship with him, and he probably wants that deep down, but it seems so impossible to get there he just retaliates instead.

He might be hurt that you found time for the baby, and the second wife, when he needed you for something but didn't put it into words.

That amount of reaction from him is not from one incident. He might not like living with his mom... might misunderstand the limits you have on visitations. It could be that he wants a different vehicle because he feels like he's not free to make his own choices --in different realms of his life. (In truth he is -- he can save up for one himself.)

Most kids I know who have been through divorce have also generated additional stress as a result. It just happens. They had one life, then had to switch to two unfamiliar lives.

Demanding that you get the title immediately was ridiculous. People misplace their titles all the time, and take a few days to recall where they put it. Some put theirs in a safe deposit box, and need to go during banking hours. I am not surprised by your initial reaction. But then you got offended by his overreaction.

Calm yourself down for a minute and picture everyone as a little kid, including yourself. Look at yourself as the boy you were at ten years old, twelve, sixteen, twenty. There are things we cry out for that we never got from our parents -- respect, time, acclaim, love, compliments...
Sometimes we try to fix that before we do the same to our kids, and we get frustrated when we're not able to avoid it.

People get hurt, fearful, angry. Teens want independence, and to be treated like adults -- whether they can be trusted with that or not.

Make sure you cut back on any possible substance use, as that can distort your perception of your own actions. (People wearing lampshades are not always the life of the party.)

Make sure that the time you have with your kids is not a playing card you exchange with your ex. The time is not about her, but about raising your own kids and helping them be ready for this cruel world. The money is gone, and you have made sacrifices... so don't look at that either. You are angry with her, with good cause, but anger gets you nowhere.

Live in forgiveness. Learn how to be relaxed no matter what happens to you. Live at peace with yourself, with God, with others. Your money was just a vehicle to get things -- you can make more.

Holding onto the memory will build up bitterness in you, and your family will see it on your face. Shake some of the past our of your mind, and figure out how to start fresh. Lean on God for solutions -- He's there for you.

Thank you for the words of wisdom. This has been going on for a while now and last Wednesday was the last straw

 

[ttabor24]

Well that was not assault. It was in my parental rights to get in his face and tell him to not talk to me that way. He then attached me and I took him to the ground and told him to calm down. The whole thing took less then 30 seconds. My kids and ex wive did nothing until I told them I was shutting off their cell phones the next day.

I have been called very hurtful things by my son over the last couple of days. My wife has had to go to the ER for stress over this because she is pregnant.

No harm was done and I know everyone has their opinions on punishing kids and how it is harmful for their growth but think about this

Because I was cited and am facing court the same week as the baby is due and the areas and hurt and financial hardship I am going throu. And knowing that I will never be able to wrestle around with my kids like I have done since they were little. I don't want much to do with them right now. By the way I was cited for two accounts of child abuse. One for my 17 year old daughter who was not even around until the end and was not even touched by me. But I shut her cell phone off for another reason so she is claiming something. I have not been able to read the police report yet.

All of this is because I tried to teach my kids how to behave. But my son now has the car he wanted and I read on twitter he got it. So his mom rewarded him and now we are stuck paying his truck payment on a tight budget

Oh and his last tweet last night was. My mom thinks she can take away my phone. Haha. I told her to go away and she did. I got her whipped

 

[ValleyGal]

Well that was not assault. It was in my parental rights to get in his face and tell him to not talk to me that way. He then attached me and I took him to the ground and told him to calm down. The whole thing took less then 30 seconds.

It is never a parent's right to get in their kids' face OR to take him to the ground. If you want him to calm down, do you think "taking him to the ground" is the way to calm him down? Would it have calmed you down? I don't think so.

I don't want much to do with them right now.

If you don't, it will only make matters worse. They would only further wound the kids.

Are you a Christian? As a believer, our motive should always be love. How can you best show love to your children in this situation?

 

[ttabor24]

Well I disagree. This was not assault. I have never hit my son and he getting in his face was my parental right. I know people disagree on this and there are those of you who say it is not alright because there are studies that show it is harmful to Their growth. But consider this. If this was such a big deal why did my ex wife wait until the next night to call the cops? It was only after I tried to take his truck way and shut off their cellphones that she sent me a text message that if I throw the first stone I would regret it

So now I am facing charges and my wife had to go to the ER because of stress over this because she is pregnant. I have wrestled around with my kids since the were young that will never happen again and I am not sure I want to see them anymore. I know that sounds bad but this was not the first time. And I have talked to my kids about Thier behavior until I am blue in the face and it does no good

So I found out last night that my sin got the car he wanted and now my wife and I are stuck with paying for a truck on a tight budget. He was awarded for his behavior by his mother

His text last night on twitter was. My mom thinks she can take away my phone ha ha. I told her to go away and she did. I got her whipped.

 

[ttabor24]

OK, all that needed to be said, but now we owe it to our inquirer to give him advice about how to move forward with everything else that's on his mind.

Yes please. I will have my day in court to explain what happened. I am a father who loves my kids but I don't see how I can raise them anymore with what has happened. I am supposed to have them tonight and I don't want to see the oldest two right now but my 12 year old had nothing to do with this. My ex said he does not want to see me. Not sure if that is true or not but I told her I would take her to court for contempt but she said no one will force him to come if he does not want to. I cannot afford to take her to court or get the time off.

I also feel like as long has their mother is involved she will keep ruining my life and I have a wife and baby on the way to think about

I have given my kids everything in life and the get 1600 a month from me now. I know they are safe but being raised wrong. It might be time to move and walk away

 

[ttabor24]

It is never a parent's right to get in their kids' face OR to take him to the ground. If you want him to calm down, do you think "taking him to the ground" is the way to calm him down? Would it have calmed you down? I don't think so.

If you don't, it will only make matters worse. They would only further wound the kids.

Are you a Christian? As a believer, our motive should always be love. How can you best show love to your children in this situation?

I took him to the ground because he rushed at me. I had no other option at that point. Yes I am a Christian. That is why I am here. I was trying to get the situation under control at that point. I know in my head I kept thronging son please don't put your hands up and hit me. That would have crushed me.

 

[ttabor24]

It is never a parent's right to get in their kids' face OR to take him to the ground. If you want him to calm down, do you think "taking him to the ground" is the way to calm him down? Would it have calmed you down? I don't think so.

If you don't, it will only make matters worse. They would only further wound the kids.

Are you a Christian? As a believer, our motive should always be love. How can you best show love to your children in this situation?

And according to the law it is my right.

 

[Albion]

Yes please. I will have my day in court to explain what happened. I am a father who loves my kids but I don't see how I can raise them anymore with what has happened. I am supposed to have them tonight and I don't want to see the oldest two right now but my 12 year old had nothing to do with this. My ex said he does not want to see me. Not sure if that is true or not but I told her I would take her to court for contempt but she said no one will force him to come if he does not want to. I cannot afford to take her to court or get the time off.

I also feel like as long has their mother is involved she will keep ruining my life and I have a wife and baby on the way to think about

I have given my kids everything in life and the get 1600 a month from me now. I know they are safe but being raised wrong. It might be time to move and walk away

I can't comment intelligently on the court stuff concerning the abuse charges, and I hope that nothing awful happens on that account. But I don't think telling your kids you love them again and again or reasoning with your ex will accomplish much, so I think you are right to be concerned mainly with the 12 year old. However, the claim that he chooses not to see you on your appointed visitation days--although something to bring up with the authorities, I'd guess--is probably something that can't be overcome, at least not immediately.

What I personally am most concerned about in the whole deal is how you may jeopardize your new life, wife, and child, by continuing to wrangle over the past relationships.

As tough as it is, I kinda think you need to wash your hands of all that for the time being, (perhaps not entirely with the 12 year old, but him only) and concentrate on making your new family as secure, happy, and unaffected by your past as is possible. You know that sometimes in life, time is the greatest healer and the best policy is to let the hottest parts cool down of their own accord. So if you do what I'm saying, there is always a chance--and I'd think a likelihood--that the older kids will mature and see things differently in time anyway. Right now it's clear they are not in the mood and won't be, no matter what you try. Even if there had been no divorce, they are in that rebellious period of their lives anyhow.

 

[Boidae]

Yes please. I will have my day in court to explain what happened. I am a father who loves my kids but I don't see how I can raise them anymore with what has happened. I am supposed to have them tonight and I don't want to see the oldest two right now but my 12 year old had nothing to do with this. My ex said he does not want to see me. Not sure if that is true or not but I told her I would take her to court for contempt but she said no one will force him to come if he does not want to. I cannot afford to take her to court or get the time off.

I also feel like as long has their mother is involved she will keep ruining my life and I have a wife and baby on the way to think about

I have given my kids everything in life and the get 1600 a month from me now. I know they are safe but being raised wrong. It might be time to move and walk away

While I am not in the same situation you are, other than my oldest son being 14, and kicking me from his Facebook page because I was on him about his grades, attendance in school and his language on Facebook. There is more that he has done which resulted in a three day out-of-school suspension and had the cops knocking at his door.

I do however live 1200 miles from my kids (I had no other choice as it was live out on the streets or go live with my parents when the relationship ended) and haven't seen them since August 2008. It's very hard living where I am with the kids where they are, and I have a new life on top of it all. I have married (this is my first marriage) and we have an eight month old daughter. I love my kids, but circumstances have me where I am and that's not going to change anytime soon for me. I may get to see them within the year, so that's hope for me at least.

What I am saying is that you shouldn't just move away and walk out on them. That could be the worst thing you could do. They may already feel as though you have abandoned them and walking away could just reinforce what the mom has been telling them (if she has been telling them anything). Yes, your son for a lack of a better word is rebelling, as is my son, but our job is still to be there for them. As I told my son, he can drop me from his Facebook account, but I will always love him and that will never change. When he is ready, I am here to talk to.

 

[Julie1031]

I find it fascinating and troubling that anyone is referring to this matter as assault or abuse. This is a 16 year old boy with raging hormones and a history of violence and fighting at school. Is the father just supposed to allow the kid to charge him or attack him in his house with his other kids and pregnant wife there? I grew up in a very Christian family, my brothers and I were taught to respect and obey our father. When we did not, there were consequences. In turn, we have grown up to respect others, learned responsibility for ourselves and our actions and I believe we are all better people because we had our father to give us this gift. I'm in no way saying it's okay to abuse your children, that is not the case here. If we can't discipline our kids when they are out of line, who do they answer to? How do they become successful adults.

Also, a 16 year old having a truck to drive is a privilege that can be taken away if rules aren't followed and should be. I think this is what's wrong with our society these days. Kids are spoiled rotten and have to answer to no one. They get something taken away and they scream abuse. Too many parents are scared of their own children and believe babying them until they are 30 is the answer. This is so sad.