Need help from a desperate Dad

[Andrea411]

I'd definitely get a lawyer, but after that ...just a suggestion. Future visits be a few hours, maybe go to the movies or skate park, fishing, etc. Your kids need discipline and you are not their primary disciplinarian. They have anger issues - understandable. When my daughter was a teen we had horrible fights and went into intensive family counseling... she had threatened suicide. I found out that she needed to express her anger issues loudly or she'd vent them other ways. I learned to not answer her voice but to just answer her words. This alone stopped 30% of our fights immediately. I stopped addressing her attitude issues bc we couldn't move forward and she wasn't going to change her attitude till I showed her the respect she was demanding... geez, we'd have still been fighting if I had not changed my approach. I do know that therapy really helped us, we had to go together, and IDK how that would work with your ex..... but I can say this, my daughter is 35 now and we get along well and often talk honestly about what we went through. My short comings as a parent and what we did to manage through the maze of dysfunction. She became a strong Christian, married a Christian and is now actively raising her family. God is good and all my prayers have been answered. I pray in a few years you will be able to say the same thing. God bless, andrea

 

[TheDirector]

Well, regarding the female dog called your ex wife, remember the phrase "vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord". That's about all the advice I can give right now...

 

[sunshine456]

JESUS the son of GOD tells us in the bible that it is better that we live as him, for marriage might bring.

1 Corinthians 7:6-16

New International Version (NIV)

6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
8 Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Unfortunately we cannot control how people respond. The enemy is determined to devour and destroy. If what you are telling us is the truth, then it doesn't sound like this women/parent is in alignment with Christianity. The behavior along with the kids is already proving that. This day and age you have to keep a calm dweomer, the schemes that are meant to illicit unrighteous reactions are what throw us out of control and trigger responses that are in accord with disbelievers.

We all have some struggles and if we are Christians we will be persecuted. We will face trials. The closer we come to GOD and his son JESUS the harder the enemy tries to deceive us, manipulate us and flounder our perceptions. That is why it is important to.....

Proverbs 3:5-6

New International Version (NIV)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight

Sometimes we do not see, because we are blinded to the truth. the enemy has held us captive and misled us for so long. Making us see what it wants us to see, making us hear what it wants us to hear, and giving to us only unrighteousness, ungodliness and corruption.

Let not your heart be wary, let it be filled with praises for the heavenly father and his son lord JESUS CHRIST who suffered, died and was buried, and rose again.

Matthew 5:43-48 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Matthew 6:24-25 ”No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
Mark 12:28-30 And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’
John 14:21-24 Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.” Judas (not Iscariot) said to him, “Lord, how is it that you will manifest yourself to us, and not to the world?” Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. Whoever does not love me does not keep my words. And the word that you hear is not mine but the Father’s who sent me.
John 15:9-17 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another.

It is difficult to even those we assume we love sometimes, it is even more difficult to love our enemies. Lifting the veil off our sight to see what is really going on is a big step in our faith, to understand the truth, to understand the enemy's evil is a part of our walk in JESUS CHRIST. To help others that are held captive, to set the captives free and bring them to the light from the corroding darkness that blinds and deceives them.

That darkness is the enemies schemes and corruption!!

Pray as always for those who are in the darkness that they may be set free, for we are.........

Ephesians 6:12

King James Version (KJV)

12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.


Praise be to GOD the heavenly father and his son lord JESUS CHRIST forever>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

[TheDirector]

Ok, I thought my post was without much practical help, but it was a deus-ex-machina event compared to that one...

 

[ecotime47]

Hi brother, thanks for the update. I'm sorry you got upset reading certain responses. I am praying for you today.

 

[humblewatchman]

Dearest ttabor24,

I hope you have also seen the concerned support here too, and not just the plethora of attempts to advise you. There have been some wise words said, and you know which ones were wise and which ones were not. I know that you heard what was important, because the Lord makes sure that we do. The rest of the words will evaporate and have no power over you, because the Lord is protecting you in this whole matter. He is trustworthy and He has not left you or your temporarily scattered family.

The Lord is not pleased when we hurt the hurting even more than they were. I will not give you advise. I wanted to tell you that I heard and felt your heart breaking. The Lord moved me to pray for you and your children. They will return to you someday. I know how hard it will be to wait, but if you could just hang on, He will not disappoint you.

 

[JCFantasy23]

To me it sounds like a nightmare. It seems your wife is not a good person and has unfortunately twisted your children the same way. Very sad. I would focus as much as you can on your new wife and family, and be there for your kids if they want to see you but not let them walk over you when they try *and it sounds like hey will*

As for the legal situation I have no advice (no one can know what will happen, the court system definitely isn't always fair and tends to be biased.) However, I do hope it works out well and that all the relationships can be mended in time.

 

[SharonL]

I think he meant it when he said he was done with this thread. Such a shame, he was only looking for help and got condemnation.

No one knows what it is like to go through this unless you have lived it. In my situation there was no problems, but still nothing from the step children because of the mother. I have several families around me whose hearts are broken because of no relationship with their children because of the mother that turned them against them.

This man is in an awful situation and needs our prayers.

 

[humblewatchman]

Yes, he surely does...breaks my heart. And the way he was treated here is not the way Jesus would have sat and spoken with him.

 

[intojoy]

Hello everyone. I would like to share my story and get some advice on what to do. I am a divorced father who has since remarried and my wife and I are expecting a child in September.

I have three children from a prior marriage. Their ages are 17, 16 and 12. For the last two years I have had a difficult relationship with them. I don't get to see them all the time like I used to. I get them every other weekend and on Wednesdays overnight.
When I was first divorced and they would act up I would always give in to them because I did not want them to be mad at me and not want to come visit me. I wanted them to love their dad.

My ex-wove is very unreasonable to say the least and I I was really financially harmed in the divorce. I ended up paying her 1600 a month in support and leaving me with all the bills and 1400 to leave off a month. So after bills were paid I did not have any left to give the kids extras and I feel so bad telling them "I have no money".

Recently my wife and I took back over the house my ex wife was awarded in the divorce because she did not make a house payment for over 8 months even thou she was getting enough support from me to pay it. I had to file chapter 13 to save the house to live in.

So needless to say my wife and I are on a tight budget to make the house payment and save some money because when the baby is born she will not be able to work for a while

Back to the kids and I. For the last year I have been pleading with my kids telling them to love and respect me. My daughter I adopted her when she was 7 years old but I have been the only father in her life since she was three months old. She has trouble making and keeping friends and she worships the ground her mother walks on. I have been going to theropy with her on growing our relationship. I text her all the time telling her I love her and most of the time she does not respond. Over the last two years she has texted or called me maybe twice and both times was because she needed something.

My 16 year old son is a hot head. He has been suspended from school the last two years for fighting. He flip flops between his mother and I when it is to his benefit.

My 12 year old is just a small fry and so easy going but he is starting to be disrespectful

Enough with some background info. Here is where I need help. About three months ago my wife and I helped my 16 year old buy a truck because he was doing good and has a job. I felt like it was my responsibility to help him with his first car but I did not have the funds to do that. My wife was in need of a car so we were able to get her a car and my son a truck on her loan. The deal was that he got this truck but his grades had to stay up and he had to stay out of trouble. He also had to make monthly payments to us of 100 until the 1500 was paid off. His mother also put in 500 for the truck

Last Wednesday my son had to work until 9:00pm. 9:30 came around and he was not home yet so I texted him and about 15 min later he said he worked an extra hour. So I told him he has to let me know that stuff because he is only 16. He came home at 10:30 [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed off. I also need to add that he decided a week earlier that he wanted to sell his truck for a car. I did not know if I wanted to do that but he decided he wanted to. He texted me all day wanting me to find the title and I told him I was busy working.

So after he got home [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed of and not talking I went downstairs to login to work so I called him down and told him to look in these two boxes for his title. He picked up a box and threw it down and yelled at me and said WHY DIDN'T YOU LOOK FOR IT! I said excuse me. And he picked it back up and threw it down again and said your always telling us what to do. Why didn't you look for it. So I hoped up and grabbed his shirt and said you are not going to talk to me that way. He pushed me so I pushed him back. He was next to the stairs going up so he tripped on them. He got up and rushed at me so I grabbed him and took him to the ground and told him he better calm the f$&k down. By this time my daughter is down stairs and said dad let him up. So I let him go. The whole event took less then 30 seconds and it was nothing. I wrestle withy boys way worse then this.

He got up and stood by the stairs yelling and me and his sister is holding him back and he pushes her off him and says get off me. She hits her elbow on the railing. I tell him I am taking him to his mothers and he says he is leaving in the truck and leaves.

I tell his sister to text their mother that we are coming to get the truck. She calls me and says she will take care of it. I told her no we are coming to get it because this is between him and I. We go over there to get the truck and she will not answer the door. We call the cops to get the truck and while waiting for the cops she lets my daughter in the house. The cops come and they tell us because we put this name on the title with my wife there was nothing we could do so I call my daughter and my ex wife answers and I tell her she wants to do things the hard way and hung up on her and we left

My youngest still stayed the night and the next morning my wife and I decided we have done enough for these kids and he needed to be in trouble. So we texted him and my ex stating that we are canceling his insurance and that he needed to get some before he could drive it. My ex wive writes back that she thought I would have been a mature adult and just let things calm down. I tested them all and said we are also shutting off the cell phones and your mom can carry them. She wrote back that I might want to reconsider and if I throw the first stone I cannot take it back

Needless to say around 6 that next night the cops showed up and I have been cited with two counts of child abuse. I am crushed. For two days I was in a fog and my wife had to go to the ER for the baby because of stress.

We had to hire an attorney for all this and that has depleted our saving for when the baby is born. I cry all the time and I follow my son on twitter and the language he uses and the thing he does is awful.

Yes for some reason I was cited for two accounts of child abuse and my daughter is saying I did something to her and she was not even involved. I do not know what the police report says yet so we just have to wait my attorney said if it goes to court it will be in sept when the baby is born.

I am crushed right now because I did nothing wrong and child services is going to come visit this week and money issues now and we are now stuck paying his truck payment because it is in my wives name.

This should be a happy time and it is living hell. I told my ex wive I was coming to get my youngest tomorrow but she said he does not want to see me. Not sure if that is true but I could take her to court for contempt but I don't have the money or time off of work to do it. Plus to be truthful I am a worried about ever seeing them again. If they can do this for shutting off their cell phones I am not sure what they could do. I will never be able to parent them again after this. I have worked hard ally live for these kids but unfortunately they have a mother that is trashy. I cannot deal with her anymore. She is ruining my life. But I cry all the time now because I love my kids. There is so much more but I think this is enogh. Thanks for reading.

There are certain things my kids could do that required physical punishment. Not with my hand but by a rod/switch. I don't have to do it now that they're older, 15, 14, and 10. But I would if they did something that warranted it. In your case with an ex looking to destroy you, you run the risk of court intervention. I would make sure that what measures you decide on would not get you in legal trouble. A switch is not to hurt or cause pain but to teach. I was beaten by a drunken father until I was 26 (i know the wrong way). I know how to teach my kids in love but also know when they are endangering themselves thru destructive behavior. Don't let the world teach them. Gangs, pimps or jail, they can end up learning discipline the hard way. It's our job as parents to get thru to them first.

 

[ValleyGal]

Jesus was big on people taking responsibility for their own actions. He was not so big on blame. Blame is what Eve did to the serpent in the garden. It is what Adam did to Eve in the garden. Yet both were responsible for their own sin. In the NT, the whole theme of Jesus' ministry is love and reconciliation, not aggression, blaming, etc.

This OP came here seeking advice. Some of us offered the advice to take responsibility as the mature adult/parent in this situation, rather than blaming and pointing the finger - children point fingers and say "s/he started it!" This is a father charged with raising a human being to adulthood in a responsible way, and blame is not responsible. There were many ways the situation could have been diffused without it ending in "taking [anyone] to the ground" and charges of assault. In the same way the OP could have used the situation as a teaching moment, so this thread could be a teaching moment - and I think the reason he became defensive and left is not because of what you think is condemnation (which it's not), but rather because one of us touched on a nerve of truth, and he didn't like it (pride).

There was no one condemning anyone here. No one expressed adverse judgement on him as a person. Rather, it is the behaviour we addressed, and yes, things could have been done differently, in a way that would have reflected the love of Christ rather than personal aggression. And according to law, grabbing someone by the scruff is assault, whether people want to deny that or not. It is what it is.

Perhaps some good will come from this situation - after all, Romans 8:28 talks about how all things work for the good of those who love him. I hope this situation will launch intervention so they will be able to figure out healthier dynamics.

 

[ValleyGal]

Not with my hand but by a rod/switch. I don't have to do it now that they're older, 15, 14, and 10. But I would if they did something that warranted it.

As a former child protection social worker, this would warrant intervention, and according to the laws where I live, this would require removal of the children until there is no risk of any weapon being used on any part of their body - especially a whip or rod! Wow....the way we as a society treat our children - it's no wonder they are growing up a rebellious generation. Breaks my heart....

 

[intojoy]

As a former child protection social worker, this would warrant intervention, and according to the laws where I live, this would require removal of the children until there is no risk of any weapon being used on any part of their body - especially a whip or rod! Wow....the way we as a society treat our children - it's no wonder they are growing up a rebellious generation. Breaks my heart....

Well, I lost my mom at 8, was homeless on skid row as a teen in downtown LA and saw three siblings commit suicide. My dad reappeared when I was 14 and he would beat me with his hands. A real Samoan beating. I learned the meaning of respect thru fear. As a disciple of Christ, I came to agree with the idea that a father's hand should be a source of comfort and love for the child. This from first hand experience (pun intended) is true. I haven't spanked any of my kids in years but if they did something like purposely hurting another child or each other physically then I would physically punish them. All three of them are straight A students and my son is the valedictorian of his class. So to spank a 16 year old what can we do if its really warranted? Dropping a liver shot or slapping their face or punching them is the result of a parent who is punishing their child for that parents pride or emotions. In other words if I'm ready to punish my child if he breaks a ground rule like physically harming another intentionally, I can do it to satisfy my embarrassment by punching or kicking etc. and that's what of be doing. If you see a mom slapping her three year old in the isle of the local store its usually done as a reaction of the mother's being embarrassed - not good. I would rather use a 2&1/2' balsa wood rod less than 1/2 an inch thick and wack it on my 16 year olds arm or leg one time maybe two if the first one wasn't a clean shot the only pain this would cause to my teen is embarrassment and pain to their ego which out of love for them I'd be willing and am willing to do. I can understand your shock about the "rod", to me I believe the biblical use of that term is instructive so that neither we as parents nor our children associate our bodies as weapons of discipline but that the "rod" is its own entity apart from the parent and apart for the family and is only used under severe necessity. As I said, I haven't hit my kids in years. My dad on the other hand beat me well into my mid twenties.

 

[humblewatchman]

Intojoy,

My heart goes out to the child in you. Praise God for His loving hand that has been upon you. I pray that He heals every single memory you have.

 

[ValleyGal]

Intojoy, you might want to do a study on the rod. It is a shepherd's tool, not use to beat the sheep, but to guide them by pointing it in the right direction, and to gently hook them back into the crowd if they wander from the herd.

And "fear" as it pertains to God is about "awe" not terror. Remember in the NT it talks about how perfect love casts out fear (terror). When parents love their children, the children should not be afraid of the parent.

Beating your children has nothing to do with their intelligence. Some day they will learn that beating violence with violence defeats the purpose. If they are violent and you punish it with violence, all they learn is that it's the bigger person and/or the adult who gets away with it, and that it's okay. But it's really not okay. Like I said, where I live it would be cause to remove the children to safety until we were assured it would not happen again. And if a mother knows it's happening and does nothing to protect, she is just as guilty.

You say your dad beat you with his hands (he should have been reported and you could have been placed into care), but you want your hands to be a source of love. But I am saying it is not the weapon you hit them with (hand or rod), but the violence itself that is unacceptable.

Like the previous poster, I pray God will heal your wounds and I would add I pray that God would heal your children's wounds that you have caused them - so the cycle does not continue for even one more generation. There are more effective ways to handle discipline.

 

[intojoy]

I've never beat them

 

[intojoy]

I've never beat them

Have I caused my children wounds?

 

[intojoy]

Sorry you thought so. I don't need any healing, Im doing great, so is my kids all three love The Lord. I just thought since you pulled out your CPS badge, I should share that I survived without CPS. I appreciate your desire to safeguard children but wouldn't agree with the tenants set forth by a godless government agency that is in charge of protecting children.
I stand behind this dads need to discipline his children. What would you suggest?

 

[ValleyGal]

I would suggest parenting classes. When God disciplines us, his children, he does not pull out a rod and beat us with it. ANY time you use a weapon against your children, it is considered abuse. God uses natural and logical consequences to discipline us. It is totally illogical to punish a child who hits or pushes another with the same thing you are punishing. We are not called to eye for eye or hit for hit. We are called to turn the other cheek. That cheek is the cheek of boundaries and discipline. Violence is never an effective way of discipline. There are many other ways that are more effective. I'm not saying not to discipline, but I'm saying hitting with a rod is classified as beating and is not acceptable.

Government agencies have a lot of Christian people working in them. They are not without Christian representation. If you consider it "godless" you could easily ask for a Christian worker.

Yes, as parents, we all cause our children wounds. Children are wounded even by the best parents in the world. Our job is to minimize the risk of those wounds, and to be there for them through the wounds, and to show humility by seeking their forgiveness for how we have wounded them.

Yes, you have survived without CPS. How much better off would you have been had you NOT been beaten by your father, and NOT spent all those years on the streets? You say you have no wounds as a result, but you sound bitter about it here...and yet you perpetuate the cycle by showing violence to your own children - the thing you hated about your dad when you were 14.

I still pray for your healing, and for your children's healing....and that the cycle stops with your children.

 

[intojoy]

Keep in mind the person your responding to wasn't me. Parenting classes, good idea. Your exegesis is your prerogative, I disagree. Thanks