My questions

[puregrl]

i thought since this is singles asking marrieds and Im not allowed to comment on others just do all my questions in one thread.

Some questions.

1. Is there an age where you are supposed to be married or thinking of marriage? Is there an upper age limit?
2. Do age gaps matter or is it entirely based on how spiritually mature you are?
3. How healthy physically do you have to be, like do both of you need to see a doctor before marriage?
4. Whose parents consent do you have to have or is that only for young couples.
5. The firstborn child...do they have priveliges over the latter born?
6. How do you go about finding a place to live, together, or is it the husbands main responisbilty?
7. What is the wifes main responisbilty?
8. How do your bank accounts work is it a joint account?
9. What church do you go to, the wife or the husbands or do you try and find a new church? Anyone marry someone in their own church?
10. Parents in law. How often do you have to see them? Are you still responisble for them in their old age?

Thats all for now.

1. In short, no. You get married when you are ready and have found the right person, no sooner. I know a number of people over age 30 who are still single because they have not found the right person.
2. neither. This varies by person. having someone close in age helps when relating to a spouse and having the same activity level. But "may-december" marriages can work just fine. The key is finding someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
3. I am not sure if physical health is important for a marriage to work. There is research that suggests that if the husband is ill physically than it can cause stress on the wife. However as long as you are able to do what you enjoy, as a couple, you should be fine.
4. Unless you are below a certain age, parental consent is not required. It is a formality, kind of a respect thing, for the male to ask the females father.
5. Not anymore. As a parent you will decide who gets certain privileges.
6. This should be done together. You need to find a type of home that works for you both, as you will both be living there. It will need to be in a location that works for you both, so a commute to work is not horrible for one person and great for another causing strain on a marriage.
7. Depends on what kind of marriage you are looking for. Traditional marriage says her job is to take care of the home and family. Egalitarian says taking care of the home is both the husbands and wife role, as is making an income.
8. A joint account is when both incomes go into one account. Both spouses have control over the money. Generally you have one person managing the money, whoever is best at it. You recognize the money as not solely yours anymore, you make purchasing decisions together and frequently discuss finances, making sure you are on the same page.
9. We moved to a new location after getting married, for a job. So we found a new church. You must find a church that fits both of your needs.
10. Depends on how close you are to them. You need to respect your spouses need to visit family. We visit my inlaws maybe 3 times a year. My parents are closer, so we visit them maybe 5. The second part of your question also varies by the person. There is nothing saying you are responsible for your parents when they age. But it is just the right thing to do. As they age, remember that you are now a spouse first. So dont do anything that causes problems in the marriage. You can take care of family without being around them 24/7.


I would imagine as this is your thread you can comment. They just dont want singles commenting on married topics.

 

[Goodbook]

Have question for married ladies.
Birth control, is this your respnosiblity, do you take a pill or some other device or do you use a natural method. Or leave it up to God?

Do you start straight away or..was there a period after marriage before you had children what did you end up deciding?

 

[puregrl]

Have question for married ladies.
Birth control, is this your respnosiblity, do you take a pill or some other device or do you use a natural method. Or leave it up to God?

Do you start straight away or..was there a period after marriage before you had children what did you end up deciding?

This is a choice that you make together, like many things in a marriage. You both need to decide whether you want children. I came into the marriage taking the pill for reasons other than birth control...as many other women do. But look at the effectiveness of various methods. In my opinion, God wants you to be responsible in your choices. This is one way of doing so. If you, as a couple, decide to use the pill, you will want to talk to an OB-GYN about options. Know that there are people who get pregnant using the pill, it is not the most effective method.
From a marriage perspective, I can say that you generally want to give yourselves a bit of time as just the two of you before starting a family. You need to have time where you get to know each other, establishing that base, before adding children in. Though that may just be my opinion.

 

[Goodbook]

hmm well I don't already take the pill and I really don't like taking any kinds of pills!!
Was that conversation had before you got married or after, like did you both go to the ob-gyn together?

I kind of think, well a christian marriage is meant to be centred on Jesus, but I'm hearing that you constantly need to go to a secular doctor all the time (as the third wheel of your marriage!) I mean the ob-gyn could be a christian I suppose, but are they the same kind of ppl that advocate or do abortions?

 

[Goodbook]

Would...an engagement period count as time to get to know each other before starting a family? You're still seeing each other but not sleeping together. Or is it better to marry, live and sleep together but stop yourselves from having children with artificial means apart from physical distance and abstinence.

I don't know I just find it all a bit curious. Wouldn't you want to start to establish a family straight away if you'd known or been going out with each other for months or maybe even years?

 

[Goodbook]

how much time would you get to know each other? I mean if say you fell pregnant on your honeymoon, that still gives you nine months to know each other alone before the baby is born.

 

[puregrl]

hmm well I don't already take the pill and I really don't like taking any kinds of pills!!
Was that conversation had before you got married or after, like did you both go to the ob-gyn together?

I kind of think, well a christian marriage is meant to be centred on Jesus, but I'm hearing that you constantly need to go to a secular doctor all the time (as the third wheel of your marriage!) I mean the ob-gyn could be a christian I suppose, but are they the same kind of ppl that advocate or do abortions?

They do have other options instead of pills, such as patches and implants, if you both decide that you dont want children yet. My husband has never been with me to the OB-GYN. We discussed wanting kids before we got married, maybe after 3 years trying for a child. But at this point, neither of us want children.
A christian marriage is meant to be centered on Jesus. Christ is the lead in a marriage. A doctor of any sort really does not play a role in the relationship, they are there for you health wise, not relationship wise. But I think you may have a misunderstanding of what an OB-GYN is. Their purpose is to give you a yearly physical, to make sure everything is going good...down there. They answer any questions about birth control methods, connect you to the right people who can assist you with implants and surgery if they do not do them themselves (most do), write prescriptions, and help you through the birthing process. I have yet to go to one that does abortions or advocate for one. They want you to be healthy and help you have a healthy baby.

Would...an engagement period count as time to get to know each other before starting a family? You're still seeing each other but not sleeping together. Or is it better to marry, live and sleep together but stop yourselves from having children with artificial means apart from physical distance and abstinence.

I don't know I just find it all a bit curious. Wouldn't you want to start to establish a family straight away if you'd known or been going out with each other for months or maybe even years?

You will continually be getting to know your spouse, during your entire marriage. I was told to think of it like an education. Dating is like getting through preschool, engagement is elementary school, the first few marriage is like high school. You then continue to learn and grow together as a couple. I have been married for three years and am still learning new things about my hubby.
I cannot tell you when you two should have a child, that is up to you both. I can say that many studies show that marital stress increases after having children, which is why you as a couple needs to have that firm foundation before starting. So in my opinion, it is better to wait to have children. The decision is entirely up to you guys. The number of months or years you have been dating should not impact how soon you have kids...marriage is a completely different story. There is a lot of adjusting to each other after you start living in the same house and being around each other 24/7. Get used to that first.

Engagement serves as a time to solidify your relationship and make decisions together, but take premarital classes! It is ultimately up to yall when you want to have children. I do know a number of couples who married then immediately had children and seem to be very happy. But, before deciding to do so, there is a lot to talk about. Discuss how you will raise them, discipline methods, will you work or be a stay at home mom, if you will stay home how long will you do so? The two most common causes of arguments in a marriage are finances and children. Make sure you have discussed these issues before making life changing decisions. So take a premarital class =)

 

[Goodbook]

Did you all take premarital classes together? For how long?

Did your parents ever put pressure on you to have children, like expecting grandchildren once you got married? What happens if you decide you both want children and then find out you cant. Do you just wait or would you try to do things artificially again i.e have ivf?

 

[Goodbook]

Patches and implants?

 

[Goodbook]

Why three years..just wondering, is it anything to do with job situations, or is it the implant/pill/surgery expires in 3 years.

 

[Goodbook]

Doesnt artificial birth control methods stuff up your fertility though? I mean can you suddenly turn it off and on just like that? After three years of killing your eggs off does it suddenly kick in again after you stop taking the pill, remove the implant or patch?

 

[Dave-W]

Did you all take premarital classes together? For how long?

Did your parents ever put pressure on you to have children, like expecting grandchildren once you got married? What happens if you decide you both want children and then find out you cant. Do you just wait or would you try to do things artificially again i.e have ivf?

First off Goodbook - you have some REALLY GREAT questions here and it is a pleasure to try and answer them!

We got married 40 years ago this coming September and no one even heard of premarital classes or counseling back then.

We did not feel any pressure from either set of parents for grandchildren, and I hope we have not exerted any pressure on our kids for grandkids.

We did talk about what we would do if one or both of us were infertile. First we would have a lot of prayer from the congregational leadership. And pray for guidance on IVF or other means of artificial impregnation. But that was not the case with us.

 

[Dave-W]

Doesnt artificial birth control methods stuff up your fertility though? I mean can you suddenly turn it off and on just like that?

It depends on what kind you use. Some (like the pill) suppress ovulation so as soon as you stop, you ovulate. Others, like patches or implants, take longer to get the drugs out of your system, thus allowing ovulation again.

 

[Goodbook]

Cant you just not sleep together if you dont want children?

Sorry..i dont really get it. Could you tell when you ovulating and then just say no. But then i suppose its hard to keep track, i mean i dont really have any idea when im ovulating or even a regular menstruation cycle all i know is when its that time of the month. I couldnt say well on day x is always when it starts. Its every month or so though but its not like clockwork.

 

[Goodbook]

Also isnt it in the bible not to sleep together when its that time of the month.

 

[Goodbook]

Isnt there side effects to taking drugs?

 

[Goodbook]

Also isnt it expensive, i mean how much does it cost for artifical birth control, and how much does it cost for IVF. Is it worth it do you think?

 

[puregrl]

Did you all take premarital classes together? For how long?

Did your parents ever put pressure on you to have children, like expecting grandchildren once you got married? What happens if you decide you both want children and then find out you cant. Do you just wait or would you try to do things artificially again i.e have ivf?

We were required by the church to take premarital counseling with the pastor prior to him marrying us. The course was ok, but we decided to supplement it with our own study, which was extremely useful! We ended up using that study in one of the semesters when we led a small group for engaged and married couples. I always encourage people to do a study before getting married. Most focus on effective communication skills (how to argue effectively), finances, how to show love in a way they will receive it (love language)...this one also talked about figuring out those unwritten rules that we expect others to know, learning about their background and how it impacts them now and will impact the marriage...lots of good things.

My parents did not and still do not expect grandchildren. His do...and frequently say so. However it is our decision, not theirs..so we just ignore it and move on. If one day we decide we want children but cannot, we will seek alternatives such as adoption or inf. However, my parents were told by the doctors that without a shadow of a doubt they would not have children, and two years later had my brother then me. So things like that can happen.

Doesnt artificial birth control methods stuff up your fertility though? I mean can you suddenly turn it off and on just like that? After three years of killing your eggs off does it suddenly kick in again after you stop taking the pill, remove the implant or patch?

Birth control does not mess with fertility...I can attest that once you stop taking the pill you will go right back to where you were before you started it and can get pregnant. It isnt exactly killing an egg. You were born with a certain number of eggs, and each month, one will get released. Without birth control, there is the possibility that you get pregnant (you know how it works). With birth control, the hormones that normally tell the body to release that one egg, do not tell it that and ovulation is stopped. At that end of your cycle, the same thing happens to the egg as would if it was unfertilized...it is absorbed by the body or released during the period. You may want to talk to an OB-GYN about how this happens. But, once you stop taking the hormones (via a pill or patch or whatever method), your body will resume normal operation.

 

[puregrl]

Isnt there side effects to taking drugs?

As with anything there are side effects, but like every other drug you have to weigh the benefit vs risk. You have to look at each individual method and see what is right for you. It took a few different types of pills before I found the one that worked best for my body. Cost also varies by the type. I know my pills are free and covered by my insurance. You can also get them from a health department and other places. Invetro fertilization is quite expensive, comparable to the costs of adoption. For me, I would try to have kids...which can take anywhere from the first time to a number of years...before I looked at an IVF.

 

[Dave-W]

Cant you just not sleep together if you dont want children?

I am taking your "sleep together" as meaning "have sex," and not JUST sleeping in the same bed. (with no sex)

You could - but that would violate 1 Cor 7 where it says you should abstain from sex ONLY by mutual agreement, specifically for prayer and fasting, and only for a limited time. the Jewish sages that Paul studied under had that time period of about 1 or 2 weeks.

Could you tell when you ovulating and then just say no. But then i suppose its hard to keep track, i mean i dont really have any idea when im ovulating or even a regular menstruation cycle all i know is when its that time of the month. I couldnt say well on day x is always when it starts. Its every month or so though but its not like clockwork.

If a woman is not having regular intercourse, there is a moderate likelihood that her periods will be irregular. Frequent sex usually straightens that out. (BTW - masturbation does not count - it has to be intercourse)

But even then, some women still have irregular periods so there are thermometer tests and hormonal tests mostly for those TRYING to get pregnant; but I think it would work the other way just as well. Chemical means like the Pill, implants and patches are for women who do not want to go to all that prep work or stop to mess with condoms/diaphragms, etc and just go for it. (Spontaneity)