My questions

[ValleyGal]

Having a stay at home mom is a historically recent idea. Traditionally, both parents have worked, whether it is in the home or out of the home. The ideal wife in Proverbs 31 worked outside the home. She started at home, then with the money she made, she bought land, expanded her enterprises and became a very lucrative business owner, in addition to managing those who worked for her at her home - likely those who worked for her to maintain her home, also were nannies to her children, although the Bible does not explicitly say this. It can be easily assumed, though, given the life expectancy of someone from that era.

I raised my son on my own, and worked outside the home. It was fine. The daycare he went to had plenty of opportunity for him to socialize and play, and I went to work. But when you sleep 8 hours a day, work 8 hours a day, there are still 8 hours you can spend with your children. My son helped me cook, clean, do yardwork, etc. We did homework together, we played games together. We had a very secure relationship. This is how it has been for eons...children work and play alongside their parents.

My uncle was a stay-home dad/husband. He had been injured in a car accident and working was painful, so his wife went to work and became the sole income earner. He stayed home, kept the house clean, took care of my cousins, cooked, and took care of all the errands like banking and paying bills. It was necessary for their family. If he could have worked, he would have. Both my parents worked outside the home and until they bought the farm, I was a latchkey kid. When they bought the farm, I worked outside with them. I was 11 years old. I turned out fine. Then, in the line of work I'm in, I am faced with numerous stay-home moms who do nothing, have no connection to their kids, and may even abuse or neglect them. They are at risk of losing their children, and they live in poverty so can't afford to put their kids into sports, etc. Very sad... we help them learn to have more effective parenting strategies and a greater connection to their kids.

So working outside the home or staying home does not matter so much as the quality of the relationship when you are with your children.

 

[Dave-W]

Question...
husbands when did you start actively looking for a wife?

When God spoke to me audibly that he had me in a particular place to meet my [future] wife. That was during my sophmore year of college.

Prior to that, I had rejected the idea of ever getting married since I had expenienced my parents divorcing when I was in grade school and there were 3 generations of divorces on both sides of the family. I did not want to put myself or any kids we may have had thru that.

How many people did you kind of 'date' before you found the 'right' one. How did you KNOW you found the right one?!

I pretty much dated no one. I was in a congregation that forbade dating. They had something they called "courtship" which was overseen by the elders of the congregation (and worked like an arranged marriage situation). I tried to get a courtship set up with one girl and was shot down right away. (she had been slated for another guy) A while later something clicked with Sharon, and I went to the elders again and was again told no. This time I was not taking no for an answer. I talked to her (strictly forbidden) and she felt the same. So I kept at them. It took about 5 months but I finally got their approval. I told them that I was going to take her out on our first date and propose. They nodded in understanding. I called her up and 45 minutes later we were engaged. (shortest courtship ever) 39 years later we are still together which is more than I can say for their arrangements. Most started falling apart at the 5 year mark.

 

[All4Christ]

Wives when did you start looking for a husband?

I honestly wasn't looking for a husband when I met him. I was in a really bad relationship before him, followed by a rebound relationship with someone who originally was just a friend. After that, I realized that I needed to work on myself before looking for a boyfriend. It was about two years before I met him.

Did you ask around, ask parents, or were you set up, or something else. How did you find each other?

He is a lifetime friend with my priest. He was friends with my priest on a Christian website as well. That's not a dating site, but that is where I initially "met" him. We didn't plan on dating. Then he visited my priest's new parish. We met in person, became friends, and it went on from there.

How many people did you kind of 'date' before you found the 'right' one. How did you KNOW you found the right one?!
Did you refuse any marriage proposals or how long did it take for this to happen?

I dated one person twice (bad situation), another for a very short time (friends who decided to try to be more), and once with a friend who was trying to help me get over the bad relationship. Honestly, only two of them were what I consider to be boyfriends. One was pretty manipulative, yet I still thought about marriage. Thank God my eyes were opened beforehand. The other wasn't a practicing Christian, so I think deep down I knew it wasn't right. I still liked him when I broke up with him, but I didn't want to keep dating him if it wouldn't work out for marriage.

If I could give all singles one piece of advice, I would say this:

Don't date someone because you need someone to fulfill some missing piece of your life. We need to be whole with just God and ourselves. If we don't have self-confidence or if we aren't happy with who we are, our marriages will suffer. More importantly, we may start to depend on our spouse instead of depending on God.

I'll reiterate: We must recognize that God is sufficient in our lives. We must be happy with who we are even without a spouse. Once we reach that, we can have a healthy relationship with the spouse God wants us to marry.

I couldn't date my husband until I was healed from some emotional wounds and until I could be happy with myself and confident in myself. That took time...a lot of time, effort and most importantly prayer.

We both took time praying. We dated for years (7) in order to make sure this was what God wanted. Now I am confident that he is the one God led me to marry, and I am so thankful for him.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Question...

husbands when did you start actively looking for a wife?
Wives when did you start looking for a husband?

Never. We just accept the gift God gave it when He gave it.

Did you ask around, ask parents, or were you set up, or something else. How did you find each other?

I met my husband on my 13th birthday- when he kicked me in the face with a soccer ball. Suffice it to say it was not love at first sight.

How many people did you kind of 'date' before you found the 'right' one.

He dated 3-4 (depending how you count). I didn't officially date anyone but had several really close guy friends whom which we hung out 1 on 1 doing date-like activities.

How did you KNOW you found the right one?!

God said.

Did you refuse any marriage proposals

Yes. It was from a guy I never officially dated (he only asked me out 30 times). No a tempting offer.

how long did it take for this to happen?

Hubby and I were friends for 10 years, dated for 2, engaged for 1, and now married 4.

 

[Sammy-San]

Unfortunatley the curse of the bastard is real. Because parents who unwed and fornicate their sin does actually mark the children. Thats why in the bible to refrain from fornication you marry first.

Its not other people judging its the fact that the children are conceived in sin and lust, not love, and often are unwanted. If one parent is saved the the children can be made clean and holy and ideally both parents should be saved to raise godly children.

jesus loved all children thats why he will adopt those whos parents are unsaved because they have more problems than those from saved parents. When children sense they are unwanted and rejected often they will rebel.

Is the sin just the fornication or the conception itself?

 

[Goodbook]

Well thats cool if God said you were to be married did God speak to your spouse as well at the same time?

I mean God has never said to me I needed to be married to anyone (yet) so I dont know what all the fuss is bout with people who needlessly worry about it.

 

[Goodbook]

Young married lady who I mentioned previously surprisingly showed up at church last week again without her husband. She announced to the congregation shed had another child yet the pastor didnt even know who she was...

Im really not sure whats going on with her it kind of puzzles me her faith. Im afraid shes convinced herself her husband is christian when hes just professed for HER sake, not Christ. This is just what Im getting. Since all the time ive known her he has never darkened the doors of the church with his presence and when she does attend a service its without him, children or no children.


Those who are married is this normal behaviour for a spouse to not attend church with you? If they say they a believer wouldnt they want to go with you?!

 

[Dave-W]

Well thats cool if God said you were to be married did God speak to your spouse as well at the same time?

I mean God has never said to me I needed to be married to anyone (yet) so I dont know what all the fuss is bout with people who needlessly worry about it.

Our Lord (matt 19.11) said only certain people were given the gift of celibacy/singleness. Paul acknowledges this in 1 cor 7, and adds that it is a charismatic gift. (along the lines of healings and miracles) IOW it is rare. He also says that to avoid sexual sin, every man should have his own wife and every woman her own husband.

I would take it that if a single christian is struggling with strong sexual desires, then they do NOT have that gift and should be actively looking for a spouse.

 

[Dave-W]

Those who are married is this normal behaviour for a spouse to not attend church with you? If they say they a believer wouldnt they want to go with you?!

Not really. Occasionally you will find believers who attend different congregations, but that is not the norm. The couple who truly love the Lord and each other (in that order) should seek to worship together.

 

[Goodbook]

I wouldnt advise that personally for a person struggling with sexual desires to look for anyone because sexual desire is not actually a basis for marriage. GOd has told that to people who already have found someone they desired and are actually already sleeping with them to marry. Because if theyve got someone its best to stay with that person alone and not go with anyone else. Theyve already fornicated you see. To avoid doing more of it, and breaking other ppls hearts they have to marry that ONE person.

 

[Goodbook]

Singleness is actually a lot more common than people think and marrieds should not feel sorry or pity for those that are or assume they are struggling with sexual desires because most likely those that are are indulging in it by fornicating.

This is when people say they single but they actually going with lots of others and preying on anyone whos 'available'

 

[Goodbook]

Sorry maybe i have a different view from your generation that all went and got married.

I think it was easier back in the day when housing was cheap and jobs plentiful, people were encouraged to and women did not have to work away from home for a living as the husbands could provide and ppl could live on one income.

It is not actually the case nowadays and the whole system is not set up to honor marriage at all. Plus i think with the breakdown of marriages and high number of divorces and complications people are just not getting married in the numbers they used to be. For many people, and i think its men who have to admit they not taking the responisbility seriously and so you end up with this defacto relationships that are now totally reconised as legit but gives no family security at all to any of the children born in this situation. That person may be entitled to half the partners property in event of a split but nobody, nobody seems to care what happens to the children in a split.

 

[Goodbook]

I know this one lady, because of her sexual desire I suppose to have children, married this guy who already had been married previously so that just made no sense to me. And foolishly because she was a christian and he was meant to be as well. They now split.

I think she ought to have married someone who didnt already have a wife or previous relationship, but I didnt know her when she did this.

 

[Goodbook]

I mean how awkaward is that meeting wife number one and maybe even having to look after wife number ones children as well.

Poor wife number one having to face up to her mistake and wife number two having to pick up the pieces. And then the husband having effectively two wives to handle even if one isnt living with him.

 

[Goodbook]

I do think to avoid fornication people are meant to marry the person they sexually desire provided that the person they desire wants to marry or be married to them as well!

I dont think the Lord just wants it all one way.

I see a lot of marriages where..it just seemd like the lady hooked into the man and he didnt actually want to be married. Lol. Thats why later he goes and cheats on her with someone else...ugh.

 

[Goodbook]

Im sure God can speak to both parties about the importance of being married to each other, not marriage in of itself.

I mean, there is no point in saying to a single person go look for someone when theres actually nobody to look for.


If God is providing mates for people, He would arrange them to meet, wouldnt He? You wouldn t have to force anything. Ive seen women go on wild goose chases desperately looking for someone, anyone, ending up with criminals who are happy to promise something they cannot deliver.

 

[Goodbook]

My thoughts are, when God provides a mate he lets you know. i dont think he says to everyone you must marry to perpetuate the human race anymore. Maybe back in the day when he wanted the earth to be populated but he soon found humans bred like rabbits anyway lol.

See adam knew eve was meant for him alone cos there were no other women around lol.

And i think that God would put it in your heart to marry someone it wouldnt just be oh marry anyone and get on with it, cos you cant just marry ANYONE. It has to be the one God wants you to be with. After all you meant to spend the rest of your lives together!

 

[Goodbook]

Not really. Occasionally you will find believers who attend different congregations, but that is not the norm. The couple who truly love the Lord and each other (in that order) should seek to worship together.

I am concerned for her but dont know if should say anything or warn them or something as its not my place i didnt know them before they were married.

 

[Goodbook]

I also know a couple that made an idol of marriage, the wife I knew wanted four children and it seems she got them, but at the expense of her husband because she ended up cheating on him.

She had always said she wanted four children but she hadnt always said i want to marry so and so, i think as long as he provided her with four she would have gone with anyone, and he was conveniently there and in church. Poor guy.

So they now split as she cheated on him With his so called best man. Her parents were devastated she would do this and not repent. So what happened is shes got one duaghter and the husband has got the other three as they decided to go with their dad, the youngest being too young to understand what really happned she just calls her new lover 'uncle'. So sad! And i was at their wedding too!

 

[Goodbook]

Those church arranged courtships dont really work. Its still man arranging it not God. I think it really has to be God arranging the marriage cos He knows the insides of all of our hearts.