my past with an eating disorder... seeking help

[Rebecca.jjames1998]

Alright so basically several years ago I had anorexia. It was never diagnosed because I was too scared to ask for help... but it was real and it was bad.
(I know this is a long post,, so I appreciate if anyone even reads it or replies. Seriously, any responses are so needed and so appreciated. THANKS


Anyway, if ya'll read my post from a couple months ago, it explains that I was contemplating telling my boyfriend about my past with anorexia. I ended up telling him in early October because of your guys' responses and I felt like my boyfriend deserved to know.

All went well. He's super caring and understanding and such a man of faith. We got talking about it and I realized that I have not completely overcome this eating disorder entirely. It has plagued me on and off for years since I thought I had "recovered" from it.. but I have always been able to either bury it and not allow it to control me - I never let myself go back to the state I was in when I was anorexic

He was the first person I have ever told, ever - and after I told him, it felt like I was digging up a huge part of my past that I have never dealt with. I started feeling super emotional about it all and it was almost like the eating disorder was starting to come back or almost as if I wanted it to come back. These feelings have progressed over the past few months (since October) and I feel as if Satan is attacking me for telling someone about it... my boyfriend suggested that he thinks these thoughts have returned or become bigger because I brought the darkness to light and now it is finally time deal with it and concur it. I've been obsessing over the idea that I still have anorexia and have been researching and googling so much about it. It's like I am not engaging in the behaviours I was when I was super sick (anorexic), but I do still have those thoughts - the body image issues, fear of gaining weight, wanting to restrict food, etc. But I don’t do any of them, they are just thoughts.
The thing is, I AM SO CONFUSED. I am beyond confused. I don't know what to think of all this. I don't know how I feel. I don't know anything. I can't see how it is possible that something that happened so many years ago could still be affecting me even after I've gotten over the worst of the disorder a long time ago. I have been feeling awful lately and like something is missing or something is wrong. And I don’t know what. I have felt so uneasy.

So, here's what happened. Since the day I told my boyfriend back in October, he suggested I seek help. I refused and said I have already gotten over it. My boyfriend said that's fine,, but up until recently when I have been feeling worse and worse about the idea of having an eating disorder, he strongly suggested I seek help. I couldn’t come to terms with the idea of seeking help because I feel it isn’t bad enough and that I can get over it myself and with God,, and I know I don’t actually have an eating disorder but rather just some body image and thought struggles. So then my boyfriend somehow convinced me (IDK HOW) to chat with him and our friend who is a Christian psychologist and have a quick conversation about it all. My boyfriend says I need to be vulnerable and that as a Christian community we should be seeking help from each other. I am beyond worried about the whole conversation as I don’t even know what I am feeling and I don’t know what to say and I ugh feel so awful and I’m not at peace. Guys, please help me! Any thoughts, responses, opinions? I feel like it is unnecessary to talk to someone about “it” because I don’t know what “it” is.

 

[SkyWriting]

Alright so basically several years ago I had anorexia. It was never diagnosed because I was too scared to ask for help... but it was real and it was bad.
(I know this is a long post,, so I appreciate if anyone even reads it or replies. Seriously, any responses are so needed and so appreciated. THANKS


Anyway, if ya'll read my post from a couple months ago, it explains that I was contemplating telling my boyfriend about my past with anorexia. I ended up telling him in early October because of your guys' responses and I felt like my boyfriend deserved to know.

All went well. He's super caring and understanding and such a man of faith. We got talking about it and I realized that I have not completely overcome this eating disorder entirely. It has plagued me on and off for years since I thought I had "recovered" from it.. but I have always been able to either bury it and not allow it to control me - I never let myself go back to the state I was in when I was anorexic

He was the first person I have ever told, ever - and after I told him, it felt like I was digging up a huge part of my past that I have never dealt with. I started feeling super emotional about it all and it was almost like the eating disorder was starting to come back or almost as if I wanted it to come back. These feelings have progressed over the past few months (since October) and I feel as if Satan is attacking me for telling someone about it... my boyfriend suggested that he thinks these thoughts have returned or become bigger because I brought the darkness to light and now it is finally time deal with it and concur it. I've been obsessing over the idea that I still have anorexia and have been researching and googling so much about it. It's like I am not engaging in the behaviours I was when I was super sick (anorexic), but I do still have those thoughts - the body image issues, fear of gaining weight, wanting to restrict food, etc. But I don’t do any of them, they are just thoughts.
The thing is, I AM SO CONFUSED. I am beyond confused. I don't know what to think of all this. I don't know how I feel. I don't know anything. I can't see how it is possible that something that happened so many years ago could still be affecting me even after I've gotten over the worst of the disorder a long time ago. I have been feeling awful lately and like something is missing or something is wrong. And I don’t know what. I have felt so uneasy.

So, here's what happened. Since the day I told my boyfriend back in October, he suggested I seek help. I refused and said I have already gotten over it. My boyfriend said that's fine,, but up until recently when I have been feeling worse and worse about the idea of having an eating disorder, he strongly suggested I seek help. I couldn’t come to terms with the idea of seeking help because I feel it isn’t bad enough and that I can get over it myself and with God,, and I know I don’t actually have an eating disorder but rather just some body image and thought struggles. So then my boyfriend somehow convinced me (IDK HOW) to chat with him and our friend who is a Christian psychologist and have a quick conversation about it all. My boyfriend says I need to be vulnerable and that as a Christian community we should be seeking help from each other. I am beyond worried about the whole conversation as I don’t even know what I am feeling and I don’t know what to say and I ugh feel so awful and I’m not at peace. Guys, please help me! Any thoughts, responses, opinions? I feel like it is unnecessary to talk to someone about “it” because I don’t know what “it” is.

There is no need to feel guilty. Everyone has a disorder if some kind and being diagnosed is not the solution, it is only a recognition of the problem. The solution is a physiological examination by you, of yourself, and this usually takes time and help. Seek help to begin the process of discovering what is going on. Nobody knows everything about it, but many have experience and can help.