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My mom died today

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by Introverted1293, Sep 24, 2021.

  1. Introverted1293

    Introverted1293 Left CF Supporter

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    I wrote this in prayer section but I am writing it here for advice


    Please Read Until the End Because My Question Is at the End


    My mom died around 5:30 pm. I am so devastated. My mom was my best friend. She did not always agree with my choices, but there was still love there. I will admit, there were only two people that I loved, my mom and my twin brother, David. But my love for my twin brother dwindled when he started treating mom like dirt. My mom was far from perfect, but she loved us all.

    My mom had children that did not like her because she would point out wrongdoing. My mom would do that to me as well. I did not always like it, but I still loved her.

    I don't know how to live without her. Don't take this the wrong way. I am not an adult who is living in my parent's basement. I took care of myself. But I called my mother every time I needed comfort. I am so heartbroken right now.

    My sister is asking me to not shut her out. I have a tendency to do that when I am sad. I don't want to go to her funeral. All her kids, even the ones that treated her poorly, would be there. I want to tell them how I feel the way they treated her; and it would not be nice.

    My mom loved the Lord. She has an amazing testimony on how she got saved. She was saved in 1969 during the Jesus movement, and she never wavered in her faith. She spoke in tongues the moment she got saved, and she didn't even know what tongues were. Nobody coached her or tried to get her to speak in tongues, she just did it. She also believed in the Torah. She believed in observing the sabbath. She also believed in observing the Jewish holidays. She also believed in the diets that written in the old testament. She knew that Christ was her salvation, and not in observing those things. But she wanted to honor God in observing the Torah.

    Even though she was treated like dirt by some people, she was loved by her other kids and friends. People constantly told her that she was deceived. But she continue to live by her convictions. My mom had an anger issue, and sometimes swore, but she was praying and asking God's forgiveness for her anger issues. Thank God that he is merciful.

    I do not want to attend the funeral. Her kids will be there, and I want to yell at them and tell them how angry I am for the way they treated her. I am so emotional that if I saw them, I would have lost control of what comes out of my mouth.

    How do I approach my brothers and sisters who treated my mom like dirt? I feel nothing but hatred towards them.
     
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  2. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints! Supporter

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    1. Give it time. You currently are in an (understandable) state of grief. The problems that you seek to address will be difficult under the best of circumstances, but nearly impossible now.
    2. Jesus cares about your loss, but you will be stuck carrying that load by yourself until you actually surrender your life (and cares) to Him. And He wants to help you through this time.
     
  3. sunshineforJesus

    sunshineforJesus is so in love with God CF Ambassadors Supporter

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    I am so sorry for your loss.
     
  4. GOD Shines Forth!

    GOD Shines Forth! Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I'm sorry you lost your Mother and best friend. Thank you for sharing this real, heartfelt testimony about her. I so relate to wanting to avoid some events (usually weddings!). You can decide to go and might be surprised at doors between you and family opening up, death sometimes evokes this. Or go and if you feel it going south then simply leave afterward. You have a right to be at your Mother's funeral! (If you don't go I'm sure she would totally get it, knowing how you tick.)
     
  5. Davorah

    Davorah Ora et Labora

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    You're drowning in grief right now and everything is intense. Take some time for you and God and put thoughts about the siblings on the shelf if you can for at least a little while so you have time to let things calm inside you a bit. It might be comforting to talk with the Lord about your Mom. He knows her more than anyone and shares your love for her. And there are special memories of her that only you and God share. Rest on Him and He will give you peace, calm, comfort as well as the wisdom and compassion to know how to interact with anyone, which would help you in your dealings with your siblings. I hope I'm not stepping out of bounds here, but rather than feeling hatred, you might actually be feeling overwhelming grief and anger because your Mother has passed. You know she's with Jesus and she has forgiven everyone who ever hurt her or was unkind to her during her life here on earth. Peace be with you.
     
  6. sandman

    sandman Senior Member

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    I am sorry ...I know it hurts like hell and I realize your anger is kind of displaced grief.
    I am not going to tell you what to do, but I will ask you ...if the kids were not going to be there ...would you go? If he answer is yes, then don't let them control you. You don't have to talk to anyone, but you have more of a right to be there than they do. And I don't wish for you to have any regrets down the line for not going....
     
  7. AWorkInProgress

    AWorkInProgress A fool becoming wise

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    Hi Introvert,

    I am sadden for your loss. I wish I could say the pain goes away fast, but it takes time. I recently lost my best friend and I am still struggling with it. Don't be surprised that you are in shock and you can't sleep tonight.

    Brother, I agree with your sister, don't shut her out. Sounds like she cares for you, and you will need those relationships to help you cope.

    I am sadden for the situation with your family and their behavior. From what you are saying, it sounds like it would be best you didn't go to the funerial. When my mother in law's brother died, should could barely be in the hallway at the funerial. She was unable to bare looking at her brother's body. Don't feel that you have to go. Only go if you want to do it for yourself and not the family.

    Even as an experienced Christian, it still hurts like hell knowing my loved one is not here anymore, even though I know she is in "paradise" (Luke 23:43). Hang in there brother, and many here will be praying for the Lord's mercy as you go thru this.
     
  8. SkyWriting

    SkyWriting The Librarian Supporter

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    Maybe they don't like things about you either. It's not even an issue. Your task is to love your brothers and sisters as if they were.....family.
    The whole point of the funeral is to process grief for the survivors. Maybe you can help ONE PERSON at the funeral with their grief.

    The funeral is not a "show that is about you." The "show" is about how you honor your mom and pay her respect as your mom. Your feelings against family members is not the issue. Maybe ONE person needs your support there and they will never, in their entire lifetime, forget that you offered comfort when they needed it. Honor your mother in your own private way, and be a comfort to at least one other person there. Some of your family friends might travel there in hopes of seeing you again. Appreciate all the OTHER people come from far away who would like to see you, perhaps one last time.

    Be there to honor your mother and be a comfort to others in pain. At my fathers funeral, the only thing missing from the get together was the beer. We had a good time and I haven't seen so many cousins since then. And maybe never will.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2021
  9. Introverted1293

    Introverted1293 Left CF Supporter

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    I don't care if they don't like me. I did not make it about me. I made about my mother.

    I do agree that it is wrong for me to hate my brothers and sisters. I can't deny that. But loving doesn't mean you don't have anger if they treated your loved one like dirt.

    Our feelings are not always about us, they are about the people that we love. I don't know if you have children or not, but if your child had an aunt or an uncle that treated him or her like dirt, even emotionally abused your child. But then when your child dies, the aunt or uncle who emotionally abused your child shows up and acting remorseful, you may get upset about that. But I don't know you, so I couldn't say. All I am saying, most people would. My mom was emotionally abused. If I made it about me, I wouldn't have cared.

    Think about this, in Scripture it says that we cannot love God and hate his children. God has a love for his people, and that's why there is wrath when his people are mistreated.
     
  10. Introverted1293

    Introverted1293 Left CF Supporter

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    Thank you

    I will let time heal me.

    I am sorry for your loss.

    She does.

    She also had a close relationship with my mom. She quit her job for a year, which they allowed her to do, to help my mom.

    I agree with you on that one.

    Yes, thank you for that verse. That is comforting.
     
  11. Jesus is my Superhero

    Jesus is my Superhero Zealot

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    1 Cor. 15:35-58 has always comforted me in times of sorrow. Maybe you'll also find comfort in these words.

    A Glorious Body
    35But someone will say, “How are the dead raised up? And with what body do they come?” 36Foolish one, what you sow is not made alive unless it dies. 37And what you sow, you do not sow that body that shall be, but mere grain—perhaps wheat or some other grain. 38But God gives it a body as He pleases, and to each seed its own body.

    39All flesh is not the same flesh, but there is one kind of flesh of men, another flesh of animals, another of fish, and another of birds.

    40There are also celestial bodies and terrestrial bodies; but the glory of the celestial is one, and the glory of the terrestrial is another. 41There is one glory of the sun, another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars; for one star differs from another star in glory.

    42So also is the resurrection of the dead. The body is sown in corruption, it is raised in incorruption. 43It is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness, it is raised in power. 44It is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. There is a natural body, and there is a spiritual body. 45And so it is written, “The first man Adam became a living being.” The last Adam became a life-giving spirit.

    46However, the spiritual is not first, but the natural, and afterward the spiritual. 47The first man was of the earth, made of dust; the second Man is the Lord from heaven. 48As was the man of dust, so also are those who are made of dust; and as is the heavenly Man, so also are those who are heavenly. 49And as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly Man.

    Our Final Victory
    50Now this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; nor does corruption inherit incorruption. 51Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed— 52in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. 53For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. 54So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.”

    55“O Death, where is your sting?
    O Hades, where is your victory?”

    56The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. 57But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

    58Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
     
  12. returntosender

    returntosender EL ROI Supporter

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    I am so sorry.
    You were so blessed to have a mother that showed you so much love and that you were able to return that love. It will be doubly hard for you to move on.
    It was the same way with me and my siblings. They treated her terribly. It's to late for me to confront them. I stepped away from them finally.
    You can't confront them now during your grieving time but in the future during a calm time you can tell them nicely but remember God knows how you feel and will give you peace over it. There guilt over the way they treated her will be haunting them. Pray for them because they will be suffering. Their chances to make restitution with her are gone.
    Try to open your heart to them in their suffering and be proud of yourself for how much you showed your love to mom.
    It will get better eventually and when you need to talk, talk to God.. I talk to him all during the day and it is a comfort.
    God bless you and keep you close.
     
  13. Joined2krist

    Joined2krist Well-Known Member CF Ambassadors Supporter

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    So sorry for your loss. Try to forgive your siblings and leave vengeance for God. Time heals, I'm sure you will gradually feel much better than you do now.
     
  14. Aussie Pete

    Aussie Pete Well-Known Member Supporter

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    For your own sake, you have to forgive them. Lord Jesus made that clear. It does not matter who or what circumstances. If you do not forgive, God will not forgive you. This is not a salvation issue, it is a fellowship issue. God's door will be closed to you until you forgive.

    You may well say that it is impossible. And I agree - for you and me. However, God never demands something of us without giving us the answer. Please, for your own sake, read this article. It is a principle that works. It's seen me through impossible situations, as you are going through now.

    Can you forgive from your heart? - Christian Life Frankston
     
  15. Jesus is my Superhero

    Jesus is my Superhero Zealot

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    Forgiveness inoculates against bitterness and bitterness is the continual hugging of anger and hate. Pray for those that have wronged you. Ask God for blessings upon those that have wronged you and pray often for them until you arrive at the place of forgiveness. Upon arriving at the moment of being able to forgive, you will know that it is God working in you by His Holy Spirit healing you of sin which was hardening your heart. Seek out the peace of Jesus Christ.
     
  16. mama2one

    mama2one Well-Known Member

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    sorry for your loss

    imagine some of your many siblings don't live nearby
    will the funeral be livestreamed?

    husband & I each lost a parent in 2020
    we didn't attend due to covid
    both livestreamed due to covid & many watched online
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2021
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  17. Introverted1293

    Introverted1293 Left CF Supporter

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    No, not really. But I do think that would be a good idea.
     
  18. Hazelelponi

    Hazelelponi Well-Known Member Supporter

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    How you are with your mother is how I was with my dad, so I understand how you feel, and also understand the extent of your grief.

    I almost died after my dad died: grief literally almost killed me. I had to hang onto my own life for the sake of my children, and they were what got me through, eventually.

    You can't say anything to your extended family right now, your grief is too great. What you can do is write a letter to them spelling out exactly what you feel about the way they treated her - and then put that letter in a filing cabinet and leave it there.

    Writing it all out right now will help you get it off your chest for now... saving that for another day when your not grieving will help you see more of what can be said later when your safely on the other side of your grief.

    Some of what you're feeling is justified, some is not. You'll be in a better place this time next year (or two from now) to speak on what's justified, in a manner that is right. Right now isn't the time, and you're right you don't have that ability at this moment.

    That said - look at them like Christ did who said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do"

    Because they really don't. See them now from God's eyes, and go to the funeral. You don't have to stay, you don't have to socialize - but you do HAVE to be there, this is for you, and for her.
     
  19. Sophrosyne

    Sophrosyne Let Your Light Shine.. Matt 5:16

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    First off your love for your mom is both a personal and an honorable thing and you need to go to her funeral for your sake, not just for show to others. My mom's funeral was unbearable but me and my family were all supportive it was not my direct family that caused problems.

    Secondly you mother would want you to treat your siblings with the Love of Christ in your heart like she treated them but as I have had serious problems with distant relatives and less serious problems with siblings but still issues and each situation has to be handled as you see fit.

    I would forgive people for the way they treated your mom, but you don't have to forget it and judgments in dealing with these people should be based upon what you know (history) not simply based on loving them because we are human and cannot through endless hugs and kisses at everyone and be honest about it. I don't really care for people who do things to "look good" to others when in reality it is a bunch of phony acting.

    Forgive everyone as you can, not for their sake but for yours as to not waste emotion and effort over them so you can focus on better things. Forgiveness doesn't mean that people who continue to sin and hate and so on will get a clean slate endlessly it just means that you aren't going to focus on that issue as when your mom died that hatred for her has become less meaningful to you personally. You don't have to forget it when people are around you spewing hate at your late mother you are more than able to stand up for her and speak youre peace but do it wisely if it won't accomplish anything or make things worse. No sense in endless focus on your mom when it is causing strife and division she wouldn't want that from you.

    I still miss my mom and am not anywhere near as close to my siblings and my father passed away 5 years after mom did which I'm glad he didn't die sooner as I was still grieving over my mom's death. It will take many years to think about her less and less and miss her less but usually in times and when nobody else seems to be there for you to show you the love she did you will still grieve.

    Just remember what good your mom was about and try and incorporate that good into your life we should all take the good parts of people who are no longer with us on our journey in life that is the way to truly honor them.
     
  20. SkyWriting

    SkyWriting The Librarian Supporter

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    Take my advice and focus on socializing with others in need or wanting to connect.

    I've been to funerals for my wife, grandchildren, my in-laws, my brother, my father, my uncles, aunts, and all grandparents. Funerals are not about poor relationships with other people who attend. Not in the least. If ones chooses to stay home it is due to being selfish.
     
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