My daughter's broken heart...

[PhantomGaze]

Try googling his name... a lot of narcissists have some kind of criminal record. Your daughter may value your input to some extent as her parent. I might try telling her point blank... "you may not see it, but we believe this is a really bad man, and he will hurt you... even more than he already has."

 

[gym_class_hero]

we cant control what our adult children do. As hard as it is, you need to turn this over to God. If He can create the world, He can see her thru this situation. Our hardest lessons we learn from ourselves and our missteps, not from advice from other people. I wouldn't bring it up unless she does. You need to show her that you trust not only God but also her. If he was abusing her you need to get involved right away but this situation is a little more delicate. Sometimes when my adult kids vent I don't say anything, because I know they know what I'm thinking and sometimes hearing their own words aloud can clear their senses. God bless you and yours.

 

[Sketcher]

He needs to show real fruit of change over a very long time for getting back together to be a good idea. Some guys can just act good for a few more months then the same pattern happens again. How to make her see that, I have no idea.

 

[Aleksandros]

I believe that the reason that book convicted your daughter is because ax you said - she is a loving and kind person; that is also the reason she's like this towards him most likely.

She will have to be taught that this is a bit of a character flaw in such a situation, and In general. A loving person ought to be wise as a serpent, so as to be able to, "See the danger and avoid it", unlike simple people who, "Pass on and are punished."
(Proverbs 22:3)

Whether this situation is fixed or not - this particular aspect of her character will need to be discussed, as it leaves her prone to getting with bad men.

I think even without this particular issue, it's not good for them to be together unless he makes changes in his spiritual life. You said that she's lightyears ahead of him - "Can two walk together", in marriage, for a lifetime, through myriad troubles, "except they be agreed?"
(Amos 3:3)

I think praying and fasting is a good idea - the grace of God working on the heart can do things words and advice can't.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Understand...a young woman's heart is fully committed when she still has hope...even though others around her only see the problems.
That tiny bit of hope within her echoes:
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

 

[Aleksandros]

Understand...a young woman's heart is fully committed when she still has hope...even though others around her only see the problems.
That tiny bit of hope within her echoes:
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

I agree; but remember that we young people must inspect these feelings to see whether there is a discernible serpentine hiss behind the voice quoting the Scripture.

 

[derpytia]

This is slightly awkward because I personally know the guy your daughter was dating. I just found this out and this is pure coincidence I assure you.

All that aside, I would suggest that she be advised to take some time to shift her focus away from relationships and guys and into the word of God. Specifically on how love between two people should be.

I know its cheesy to quote the "Love is patient, love is kind" thing but it's true. I believe love between two people should reflect the love between Jesus and the Church and ultimately God's unselfish love for mankind. If your daughter's relationship does not reflect this then perhaps it is not a good idea to pursue it further.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

He has pledged to never go back to his old ways and build a better relationship with him and God. He asked her to read a book about forgiveness and extending grace and after reading it she feels convicted to take him back.

this is really, really....REALLY bad! just....bad!

have you discussed with your daughter what scripture actually says about forgiveness pertaining to these matters? many like to point to passages in matthew 5 and luke 6 in support of a pacifist, doormat forgiveness where we allow ourselves to be hurt. what the verses actually tell us is that we should not take actions of revenge, retribution, or retaliation against our enemies. we are not prohibited from protecting ourselves from harm.

this man is going to ruin your daughter's life. he has basically said with these actions "i said I was sorry and won't do it again and now you have an obligation to trust me." this is horrible manipulation and misuse of God's truth! your daughter no longer wanting to see this man again is not an act of retribution, retaliation, or revenge but a loss of trust! you can't be one flesh with someone you don't trust. forgiving someone for what they did and trusting someone after what they did are two different matters.

explain to your daughter what forgiveness actually is biblically and explain to her that what this guy is doing is highly manipulative and not good at all. ask your daughter if she can really trust someone like this.

all the best to your efforts.

 

[danstribe]

I don't think HE should be giving HER a book on forgiveness. That seems extremely manipulative. If he were truly sorry, he would not try to use forgiveness as a means to manipulate her into taking him back. That is a huge red flag to me, because I have experienced both narcissists and sociopaths in my life. This guy is bad news. You should do whatever you can to make her see this. Forgiveness is great, but marriage is her entire life, and you don't want to see your daughter destroyed by this guy.

I think you are referring to the "boyfriend" giving her a book on forgiving him? but just in case, the one I recommended isn't a book on forgiveness, it would help anyone, man or woman, recognize a man whose heart is turned toward God and also gives great advise for how a woman could respond.

 

[Yarddog]

My daughter's boyfriend cheated on her and lied to her. They broke up, he begged for forgiveness and for her to extend grace. They are both Christian and regularly read their bibles and attend church. He is in a Christian band and is gone several weekends throughout the year.
It has been about 3 to 4 months and my daughters' heart has softened. He has pledged to never go back to his old ways and build a better relationship with him and God. He asked her to read a book about forgiveness and extending grace and after reading it she feels convicted to take him back.
My wife and I, including family and friends have never felt good about their relationship. There were too many red flags. We feel our daughters' heart is taking over and not listening to her friends and family. She feels she is supposed to forgive, extend grace and give him another chance. We all know this is Gods command, but it does not mean she is to take him back. There have been too many Red flags and we feel she is sacrificing those things just to hold on to him. My wife said it best when she acknowledged that he is a narcissistic and she is an empathis. My daughter agreed to the similarities, but we feel her heart is blinding her from Gods true will for her. We feel her heart has taken over.
Please help, and God bless.

It seems that forgiving him and taking him back should be two separate issues and not connected.

Forgiving him does not mean that she "should" take him back. She can forgive him and move on and trust that God will bring her to the relationship of his will, whomever that may be.

If she caught him cheating on her once, then he may have done it before and could do it again.

If she truly loves this guy, she will probably get back with him regardless of what you do, so I feel for you.

Keeping you in my prayers.

 

[Yeshua HaDerekh]

My daughter's boyfriend cheated on her and lied to her. .

When you say he cheated on her, what do you mean? He went on a date with another girl or that he fornicated with her?

 

[paul becke]

He sounds very manipulative. Narcissists are. I've heard of emotional blackmail, before, but theological blackmail is a new one on me. I'd run a mile, if I were her. As far as I needed to. But break it off calmly, as Roseonathorn said.

 

[paul becke]

It seems that forgiving him and taking him back should be two separate issues and not connected.

Forgiving him does not mean that she "should" take him back. She can forgive him and move on and trust that God will bring her to the relationship of his will, whomever that may be.

If she caught him cheating on her once, then he may have done it before and could do it again.

If she truly loves this guy, she will probably get back with him regardless of what you do, so I feel for you.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Excellent point. Forgiveness does not entail uncritical submission to his wishes. He's turning it round so he's the victim, and your daughter's the errant sinner, he's edifying, so she can get back on the right path to God !

 

[Quad]

My wife and I feel he is somewhat of a narcissist. He has an arrogant, sneaky charm about him. He does not work very hard on the relationship, and my daughter the empathis, is always there to calm, ease and fix things just to name a few.

This is a red flag.

A lot of the times, narcissists prey on easy, kind, and empathetic people. Keep a close eye on your daughter.

 

[paul becke]

Google 'narcissist'. One or two gems, but all interesting.

 

[Angeldove97]

I wouldn't have listened.... to be honest. And I got burned a few times because of that.

My only advice is that if she loves him and thinks this is a lifetime relationship/bond, than she knows she can give him all of the time of the world to get the most important relationship on good footing: his relationship with Jesus. If he made that promise, he should be working on that first ... then he will be able to build one with your daughter.

Keep this in prayer - pray with your daughter about this. I wish my 32-year-old self could have hold my 18-year-old self all of this.

 

[Irene Gwanzuwang]

My daughter's boyfriend cheated on her and lied to her. They broke up, he begged for forgiveness and for her to extend grace. They are both Christian and regularly read their bibles and attend church. He is in a Christian band and is gone several weekends throughout the year.
It has been about 3 to 4 months and my daughters' heart has softened. He has pledged to never go back to his old ways and build a better relationship with him and God. He asked her to read a book about forgiveness and extending grace and after reading it she feels convicted to take him back.
My wife and I, including family and friends have never felt good about their relationship. There were too many red flags. We feel our daughters' heart is taking over and not listening to her friends and family. She feels she is supposed to forgive, extend grace and give him another chance. We all know this is Gods command, but it does not mean she is to take him back. There have been too many Red flags and we feel she is sacrificing those things just to hold on to him. My wife said it best when she acknowledged that he is a narcissistic and she is an empathis. My daughter agreed to the similarities, but we feel her heart is blinding her from Gods true will for her. We feel her heart has taken over.
Please help, and God bless.

 

[Irene Gwanzuwang]

I propose that you pray about it and leave it to God. There is nothing that's too hard for him to do. He will reveal the truth to your daughter

 

[AmusingMargaret]

Thank you for your encouragement. Her older sister is her best friend and she will not listen to her wise advice. It has caused a slight rift in their relationship. This is what we all fear if she decides to back into it with him.

If your daughter is like mine, she is going to do what SHE wants to do, and it will cause a rift between her and the rest of the family if you keep trying to dissuade her. She already knows very well how you feel. She knows what he did. She knows it may happen again. But regardless, she is willing to give him another chance.

You can either accept that, treat the man respectfully when he's around, respect her decision, and let her know you love and and will always be there for her if she needs you. If you don't treat him nice and give her some growing room, she won't come to you if things start going bad.

The more you try to push her away from him, the more she will feel the need to defend him, and essentially you push her toward him. Leave it alone. Pray. A lot. Let her figure it out for herself...and who knows? Maybe he will straighten up...

 

[Irene Gwanzuwang]

Don't worry about it. Only God can convince her and believe me he will find a way. Nothing is too hard for God....