My daughter's broken heart...

[Protective Dad]

That is why I chose to come to this forum. I wanted to see other views about this sitation.

 

[Protective Dad]

How old are your daughter and her boyfriend? If they are still rather young, then what do you mean by - cheated on her? dated another girl - chats with another girl? Did the lying part have to do with the cheating?

The book she should read is the Bible. Asking her to read another book - as to forgiveness and grace -shows me that he needs to yet change his life.

See later in a post - junior -in college.

 

[Protective Dad]

The boyfriend is 23 and my daughter is soon to be 21. Yes she reads the bible daily including her devotionals. We feel she is listening and eading only what she wants to hear. We all all do that of course, but we are on the outside looking in which is easier.

 

[Roseonathorn]

You could try a number of things. Narcissists often finds "funny" animalcruelty plain funny while emphatic people find them very cruel. Some funny animal videos are funny and some are not funny anymore. If You get them both watching funny cats and dogs sooner or later He will laugh at mild animal cruelty or stressed animals and she gets upset at Him because He lacks emphathy if He is a somewhat narcisstic person.
Ask him what a total idiot is, You might be supriced when You hear the answer.
Ask Him when He was a total idiot.
He can probably not admit Himself being faulty of anything, it is always someone elses fault.
He can not say I am truly sorry and mean it.
You could ask Him in front of Your daughter if He knows how to get a kid to quit crying. What is better. Yelling quit crying or go to Your room and shut the door or letting them cry and yell in the lap and wipe their tears until they are done and tell them You love them.
There is after all a reason they got this way. I do not think Your daughter can fix Him but she might continue the pattern of producing another narcissistchild by being the emphatic mother that spoiles the child because the father is too harch and has no emphaty. She would do better to wait and pray it over until she knows His true self because it will show.
Your daughter feels she should forgive, but what would He do if She treated Him the way He treats Her. Does He feel He should forgive if She cheated? Probably not. Would He rather get dangerous? How dangerous? It might be good to find out.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Where did the topic of narcissism come in? I didn't see it in the OP

That's a pretty serious charge to make about someone and not to be taken lightly. What has the BF done to conclude he has narcissistic tendancies?

 

[Protective Dad]

Where did the topic of narcissism come in? I didn't see it in the OP

That's a pretty serious charge to make about someone and not to be taken lightly. What has the BF done to conclude he has narcissistic tendancies?

 

[ExodusMe]

My daughter's boyfriend cheated on her and lied to her. They broke up, he begged for forgiveness and for her to extend grace. They are both Christian and regularly read their bibles and attend church. He is in a Christian band and is gone several weekends throughout the year.
It has been about 3 to 4 months and my daughters' heart has softened. He has pledged to never go back to his old ways and build a better relationship with him and God. He asked her to read a book about forgiveness and extending grace and after reading it she feels convicted to take him back.
My wife and I, including family and friends have never felt good about their relationship. There were too many red flags. We feel our daughters' heart is taking over and not listening to her friends and family. She feels she is supposed to forgive, extend grace and give him another chance. We all know this is Gods command, but it does not mean she is to take him back. There have been too many Red flags and we feel she is sacrificing those things just to hold on to him. My wife said it best when she acknowledged that he is a narcissistic and she is an empathis. My daughter agreed to the similarities, but we feel her heart is blinding her from Gods true will for her. We feel her heart has taken over.
Please help, and God bless.

I think your first task is to educate your daughter that being 'boyfriend & girlfriend' is not a committed relationship. There is no commitment from either person unless they are engaged or something (but you would have said fiance in that case). In this sense, he didn't really 'cheat on her' at all. He is just displaying immaturity as a Christian. With this in mind, your daughter needs to evaluate whether he is husband material or not, but it has to be done with the understanding that they are not committed to each other at all at the moment. This is what is confusing your daughter. She thinks that being 'boyfriend & girlfriend' is some type of commitment when it is not. Is she light years ahead of this guy spiritually? How long will it take for him to mature? These are some of the questions that should be asked and if she wants to continue with him, then I would encourage you to encourage her to marry him as it could really open her eyes up to the type of commitment she is making and really evaluate whether he is the right person. You have to trust the Lord in this case as your encouragement could ultimately lead to them getting married, which it doesn't sound like you really want.

 

[woobadooba]

It's good that she has a forgiving heart. He may be genuinely sorry for what he has done and move on to become a great man of God. Look what happened with David. What he did was far worse! He is not remembered as the man who cheated, lied, and murdered, but as a man after God's own heart (Acts 13:22).

Why not give this young man the same opportunity to make things right that God gave to David?

If your daughter wants to be with him, she is going to do what she wants regardless of what you say. Let her know how you feel about it, but give her space to make a choice. If you force things, it will not go well.

If it turns out that she makes the wrong choice and brings more emotional pain upon herself, at least she will know she has loving parents to turn to who will give her the support she needs to get through it. And, she will also be wiser.

 

[Protective Dad]

My wife and I feel he is somewhat of a narcissist. He has an arrogant, sneaky charm about him. He does not work very hard on the relationship, and my daughter the empathis, is always there to calm, ease and fix things just to name a few.

 

[Protective Dad]

I think your first task is to educate your daughter that being 'boyfriend & girlfriend' is not a committed relationship. There is no commitment from either person unless they are engaged or something (but you would have said fiance in that case). In this sense, he didn't really 'cheat on her' at all. He is just displaying immaturity as a Christian. With this in mind, your daughter needs to evaluate whether he is husband material or not, but it has to be done with the understanding that they are not committed to each other at all at the moment. This is what is confusing your daughter. She thinks that being 'boyfriend & girlfriend' is some type of commitment when it is not. Is she light years ahead of this guy spiritually? How long will it take for him to mature? These are some of the questions that should be asked and if she wants to continue with him, then I would encourage you to encourage her to marry him as it could really open her eyes up to the type of commitment she is making and really evaluate whether he is the right person. You have to trust the Lord in this case as your encouragement could ultimately lead to them getting married, which it doesn't sound like you really want.

 

[ExodusMe]

Another tip... It sounds like your daughter isn't really heeding your advice (or your wife's advice). In this case, I believe you have made some mistakes in her upbringing. I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but depending on the situation, it may be appropriate for you to heal your relationship with your daughter first before you try to fix her relationship with her boyfriend.

If she isn't listening to your advice, then she doesn't trust you. Do you read your bible? Are you a godly example of a father? When is the last time you read scripture to her?

Take your daughter on a date and do not discuss her boyfriend, but show her that you love her more than her boyfriend does.

 

[vinsight4u]

deleted

 

[Protective Dad]

You are correct! We are not in favor of their future marriage. There has been no engagement or proposal.....Thank goodmess. We both feel she is spiritually light years ahead of him. They are both in two different places in their lives but my daughter longs for what could have been. I know she is very confused with her next move, which makes it obvious to us that she is reluctant.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[ToBeLoved]

My wife and I feel he is somewhat of a narcissist. He has an arrogant, sneaky charm about him. He does not work very hard on the relationship, and my daughter the empathis, is always there to calm, ease and fix things just to name a few.

Does your daughter live with you? Kids usually don't tell there parents much. Seems to me you may be very one sided and think your daughter is perfect or close to it.

 

[Protective Dad]

Does your daughter live with you? Kids usually don't tell there parents much. Seems to me you may be very one sided and think your daughter is perfect or close to it.

 

[Protective Dad]

Our daughter is home for the summer from college. We have a wonderful, close relationship with both our daughters. This subject matter, however, is a a tough one. She loves to be home with us and go places with us. She said she has avoided taking much about this to the both of us because she knows how we feel. We have told her that she is the one making the decisions. We can not make her. We feel she is just holding on for a chance for things to be the way she would like for them to be. I told her that she is not committed to him. Keep an open heart to other opportunities and God will provide.

 

[GirdYourLoins]

Trust in their relationship has not been mentioned. He has already cheated on her before they are even married. What about when they have been marred for 5 or 20 years? Will he cheat again when he gets bored of her and someone else enticing comes along. I have known people like this in the past and they all have a tendency to want the forbidden fruit. They want the one who they should not have or the one whoo is hard to get. They tend to want to get back with a partner after cheating as it is a sort of victory for them, they have got away with it and been taken back. It is part of a controlling relationship. They tend to separate eventually anyway when it happens too often for the partner to keep accepting it or they no longer see the partner as a challenge to get back so move on to someone else.

Ask your daughter if she thinks she will be able to trust him in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years or whatever when he's out late and she doesnt know where he's been.

 

[danstribe]

I recommend giving her the book entitled "Man of Steel, Man of Velvet" it is a short book on what a God centered man should strive to be like and the response of a God centered woman. There's also a book for women but I can't remember the name. It may clear the cobwebs from her brain! And just pray about it then leave it in God's hands, He can handle it. This is just as much a learning trial for you as it is for her. You have raised her up in the way she should go and now you have to trust God. Remember, He knows exactly how it feels to have your child go down the wrong path, a billion times over. God bless you and your family!

 

[PhantomGaze]

I don't think HE should be giving HER a book on forgiveness. That seems extremely manipulative. If he were truly sorry, he would not try to use forgiveness as a means to manipulate her into taking him back. That is a huge red flag to me, because I have experienced both narcissists and sociopaths in my life. This guy is bad news. You should do whatever you can to make her see this. Forgiveness is great, but marriage is her entire life, and you don't want to see your daughter destroyed by this guy.