My daughter's broken heart...

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My daughter's boyfriend cheated on her and lied to her. They broke up, he begged for forgiveness and for her to extend grace. They are both Christian and regularly read their bibles and attend church. He is in a Christian band and is gone several weekends throughout the year.
It has been about 3 to 4 months and my daughters' heart has softened. He has pledged to never go back to his old ways and build a better relationship with him and God. He asked her to read a book about forgiveness and extending grace and after reading it she feels convicted to take him back.
My wife and I, including family and friends have never felt good about their relationship. There were too many red flags. We feel our daughters' heart is taking over and not listening to her friends and family. She feels she is supposed to forgive, extend grace and give him another chance. We all know this is Gods command, but it does not mean she is to take him back. There have been too many Red flags and we feel she is sacrificing those things just to hold on to him. My wife said it best when she acknowledged that he is a narcissistic and she is an empathis. My daughter agreed to the similarities, but we feel her heart is blinding her from Gods true will for her. We feel her heart has taken over.
Please help, and God bless.
 

Albion

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That is how these things go. I would recommend making your main pitch be only "Daughter, don't be confident that things have changed with him. It could be that they have, but watch yourself and do not assume the best until, with time, you have solid evidence for thinking it is so."
 
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Thank you for your encouragement. Her older sister is her best friend and she will not listen to her wise advice. It has caused a slight rift in their relationship. This is what we all fear if she decides to back into it with him.
 
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Albion

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What I'm saying is two things. 1. You are in a tough spot with a young daughter and things of the heart, which you obviously know. and 2. that being the case, the best you may be able to do is get her to proceed with caution. If you say that she cannot see him, etc. she will probably not appreciate your wisdom. Just getting her not to throw herself at him thinking all is well now may be the best you can do. But it also may be the critical thing.
 
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Roseonathorn

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Surf around how to break up with a narcissist. I tell You once You have children it is harder to break up. The luck will not last long because a narcissist can mirror Your daughters interest is hollow and has a black heart but mostly everybody loves Him because He can be charming and very intelligent to others but brutal to His family. Cheating can be a habit as well as inappropriate content. Empathy, they have no such thing but they can pretend sometimes. She will never be truly happy with such a person I am afraid. Suggest a calm exit, Narcissist love drama.
 
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The sad the about all of this is she is a wonderful, loving, Christian young woman. She holds her heart on her shoulder and wants to fix everything. The truth is she wants to be married and he was the closest to that. She is a junior in college with a career path and he is not sure of his path. We feel she is ready, but he is not. He is immature and still likes to play. We feel he has not made the sacrifices needed to show he is ready. My daughter is always making excuses for him.
 
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Surf around how to break up with a narcissist. I tell You once You have children it is harder to break up. The luck will not last long because a narcissist can mirror Your daughters interest is hollow and has a black heart but mostly everybody loves Him because He can be charming and very intelligent to others but brutal to His family. Cheating can be a habit as well as inappropriate content. Empathy, they have no such thing but they can pretend sometimes. She will never be truly happy with such a person I am afraid. Suggest a calm exit, Narcissist love drama.
 
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Albion

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The sad the about all of this is she is a wonderful, loving, Christian young woman. She holds her heart on her shoulder and wants to fix everything. The truth is she wants to be married and he was the closest to that. She is a junior in college with a career path and he is not sure of his path. We feel she is ready, but he is not. He is immature and still likes to play. We feel he has not made the sacrifices needed to show he is ready. My daughter is always making excuses for him.
I'm totally in your corner, but you know...

And I've seen other situations like this and they didn't end well. So that's the background to my saying that the most you may be able to do is instill in her the idea of "You have to be sure." Maybe she can admit to herself that she needs to watch all he says and does with more care, now that she knows he has failed once.
 
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Poppyseed78

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Unfortunately, if she is determined to see the best in him, then that is what she will see until, finally, the harsh realization dawns. No one can make her see that he is not good for her. This is something she will have to learn on her own, hopefully sooner rather than later. If he truly is a manipulative person (which it sounds like he is), he can make her think he is far better than he actually is. What you can be sure of is that he will inevitably show his true colors eventually.
 
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I'm totally in your corner, but you know...

And I've seen other situations like this and they didn't end well. So that's the background to my saying that the most you may be able to do is instill in her the idea of "You have to be sure." Maybe she can admit to herself that she needs to watch all he says and does with more care, now that she knows he has failed once.
 
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I agree with all you are saying, but who wants to be in a relationship where you feel that you have to be looking over your shoulder and questioning things all the time. My wife and I have prayed for peace over our hearts in this situation. It breaks our hearts! We just know that there is the right deserving Christian man out there for her, but we feel it is not him. Too many others feel the same way. She has a wonderful, loving relationship with everyone, it's not like she is an outcast. He does have somewhat of a spell over her.....
 
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Albion

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I agree with all you are saying, but who wants to be in a relationship where you feel that you have to be looking over your shoulder and questioning things all the time.
Well, that isn't quite what I meant. I was thinking more along the lines of encouraging her just to be sure. That asks her not to rush or think everything is definitely all settled now. I wouldn't think that would mean to be constantly on guard or suspicious, etc. And I feel that what I'm explaining would not be received by her as too pushy or negative on your part.
 
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Well, that isn't quite what I meant. I was thinking more along the lines of encouraging her just to be sure. That asks her not to rush or think everything is for sure different now. I wouldn't think that would mean to be constantly on guard or suspicious, etc. And I think that what I'm explaining would not be received as too pushy on your part.
 
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GandalfTheWise

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There are some things under our control as parents and some things that are not. One thing to make sure of is to keep the lines of communication with your daughter as open as possible and keep your relationship as strong as possible. Ask God for opportunities to speak wisdom to her and pray that his true colors would be shown. Ultimately, it's about the Holy Spirit convicting her heart as to what the healthy thing to do is.

One thing to remember and take comfort in, God loves our children even more than we do as parents. He'll be active in her life to steer her in the right direction. It's tough to balance trying to figure out what we should do ourselves and what we should leave in God's hands and trust Him to do.

Maybe someone here can recommend a good book or two on forgiveness that clearly differentiates between forgiving someone and the long-term process of reconciling and rebuilding trust while protecting yourself. From the brief description, it sounds to me like your daughter is confusing forgiveness with extending no-strings-attached unmerited trust. If one book made her feel guilty and believe that forgiveness meant having to take this guy back, perhaps another book that clearly teaches forgiveness as being different from reconciliation and letting someone back into your life? Just an idea (that may or may not be a useful one.) Maybe a book on building healthy relationships (that God could use to point out things that are unhealthy right now)? I just toss that out as a possibility. I don't know enough details to know if that would help or hurt.
 
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There are some things under our control as parents and some things that are not. One thing to make sure of is to keep the lines of communication with your daughter as open as possible and keep your relationship as strong as possible. Ask God for opportunities to speak wisdom to her and pray that his true colors would be shown. Ultimately, it's about the Holy Spirit convicting her heart as to what the healthy thing to do is.

One thing to remember and take comfort in, God loves our children even more than we do as parents. He'll be active in her life to steer her in the right direction. It's tough to balance trying to figure out what we should do ourselves and what we should leave in God's hands and trust Him to do.

Maybe someone here can recommend a good book or two on forgiveness that clearly differentiates between forgiving someone and the long-term process of reconciling and rebuilding trust while protecting yourself. From the brief description, it sounds to me like your daughter is confusing forgiveness with extending no-strings-attached unmerited trust. If one book made her feel guilty and believe that forgiveness meant having to take this guy back, perhaps another book that clearly teaches forgiveness as being different from reconciliation and letting someone back into your life? Just an idea (that may or may not be a useful one.) Maybe a book on building healthy relationships (that God could use to point out things that are unhealthy right now)? I just toss that out as a possibility. I don't know enough details to know if that would help or hurt.
 
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paul1149

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I think the main difficulty is getting the truth delivered to her, when she seems to be closed off. I would suggest finding testimonies of girls who did take their BFs back, and how it went, for good or bad. She might be able to receive from a stranger she can identify with, rather than from a family member, where family politics get in the way.

Best of all might be a seminar on dating/relationships for young adults. I can't tell you where to find one, but I'm sure they're out there.
 
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