My Christian friend had an abortion

[Holoman]

Maybe rather than worrying about someone else's personal choices and trying to think how best to condemn them, you could worry about doing some of the stuff the Bible actually says makes you a good Christian? Feed the hungry, visit people in prison or hospital, you know, stuff like that?

Doing one does not preclude the other.

 

[Armoured]

Doing one does not preclude the other.

Not necessarily, just usually.

 

[Holoman]

Don't confront her at all.

Ask if she wants to talk about it, and if she says yes let her talk and do not say anything. You're allowed to ask open, non-accusatory questions, but do not make statements.

If she says she doesn't want to talk about it, tell her you respect her boundaries and do not push it further. If she says she doesn't want to answer certain questions, do not push them further.

If she asks for your advice, you can say something. If she doesn't ask for your advice, say nothing.

If you confront her or if you give her your unsolicited opinion, you are doing it wrong. This is how you make someone become defensive, this is how you make them not want to be around you or talk to you. When someone feels that someone is accusing them or judging them, they will close their ears and turn away.

While I disagree that she should just keep silent and ignore it, I agree that approached the wrong way this will just put her on the defensive and that would just make things worse and she'll simply dig in her heels.

I can't see a good way to approach this, my advice is to simply wait to see if a good opportunity to say something comes about of its own accord, and be patient - don't force it.

 

[Holoman]

Not necessarily, just usually.

So we are supposed to spend every minute of our days feeding the hungry, so that we dont even have a spare 10 minutes to spend talking to a friend?

Did Jesus spend all his time feeding the hungry? Or did he also find time to speak out against sin?

 

[Armoured]

So we are supposed to spend every minute of our days feeding the hungry, so that we dont even have a spare 10 minutes to spend talking to a friend?

talking to a friend and passing judgement on a friend are not the same thing

Did Jesus spend all his time feeding the hungry? Or did he also find time to speak out against sin?

Well, in order of importance... he certainly seems to have spent a lot more time looking after the less fortunate and telling people to look after the less fortunate than he did judging others. I can think of plenty of times he said to not judge others and worry about our own behaviour, actually passing judgement? There's the money changers in the temple, and I can't think of any other occasions.

 

[Holoman]

talking to a friend and passing judgement on a friend are not the same thing

No they aren't, but I highly doubt the OP is going to reprimand her friend and judge her, she will just discuss her views on how she's living her life, which her friend can either ignore or think upon.

Well, in order of importance... he certainly seems to have spent a lot more time looking after the less fortunate and telling people to look after the less fortunate than he did judging others. I can think of plenty of times he said to not judge others and worry about our own behaviour, actually passing judgement? There's the money changers in the temple, and I can't think of any other occasions.

Well it's impossible to say how his time was divided, but although he didn't pass judgement he preached a lot about what we should and shouldn't be doing.

I think people too often misuse the word 'judge'. When we are told not to judge, this does not mean we cannot form and express an opinion, it means we should not seek to exact revenge or 'justice'

 

[Holoman]

.

 

[essentialsaltes]

I am not entirely sure, but all the non denominational church's in our city typically have almost an identical statement of faith and they dissagre with abortion based on how closely they adhere to the bible, so I don't see how they could favor that decision at her church. Part of their wedsite shows they are clearly against homosexual marriage so I would assume abortion too. You don't really hear of church's being ok with abortion here. At least not the mega church's, which are the type she and I attend (I go to calvary chapel).

Fair enough. I don't know if it's relevant or helpful at all, but the situation reminds me of this occasional theme among anti-abortion people who have abortions:

The only moral abortion is my abortion.

 

[Armoured]

Fair enough. I don't know if it's relevant or helpful at all, but the situation reminds me of this occasional theme among anti-abortion people who have abortions:

The only moral abortion is my abortion.

A fascinating, if not a little scary, article. Thanks for posting.

 

[Chicken Little]

About three years ago, one of my best friends (who I am now now longer very close to) had an abortion. When we were closer friends a few years ago, she expressed worry over if she did the right thing or not, but often leaned to it being the right thing. She said she was drinking heavily at the time she found out (she wasn’t very far along) she was pregnant and with an abusive man.

Flash forward a few years and she had children with an unbeliever, whom she is not married too. When I met up with her recently, she brought up the abortion saying that she believes it was the right thing to do.

What’s odd is that she attends church full time (much more so than when she had the abortion) and she still feels that what she did was right. I have kept my mouth shut regarding the situation as well as her still being intimate with her children’s father, even though she is not married.

Should I confront her on this issue, trying to understand where she is coming from, if we see each other again, or should I continue to let it go?

you can forgive her.
but you don't have to run with her.
you will want to pray for her .

 

[MikeEnders]

She feels that the child would not have a good life had she given birth. That she and the kid would be in peril had the events played out differently.

I'll never understand this philosophy of problem solving.

"Since your life might have some difficulties to work through I'll just kill you"

 

[Holoman]

Fair enough. I don't know if it's relevant or helpful at all, but the situation reminds me of this occasional theme among anti-abortion people who have abortions:

The only moral abortion is my abortion.

Interesting article. It sadly doesn't really surprise me, far easier to tell other people what to do than to follow your own advice. Some people are only willing to do what they think is right when it's easy.

 

[Armoured]

I'll never understand this philosophy of problem solving.

"Since your life might have some difficulties to work through I'll just kill you"

You don't have to understand it, the thread isn't about you.

 

[MikeEnders]

You don't have to understand it, the thread isn't about you.

and as I thank God for its not about you or what you think I can post or not post

 

[MikeEnders]

I can think of plenty of times he said to not judge others and worry about our own behaviour, actually passing judgement? There's the money changers in the temple, and I can't think of any other occasions.

You probably could if you read the Gospels. He reprimands the pharisees like every third chapter, he tells his disciples constantly that they need to have more faith, he tells others they should sin no more. Meanwhile nowhere does he say you should not worry about the behaviours of others and what it might mean for their spiritual life - you probably read that in a magazine.

 

[MikeEnders]

Doing one does not preclude the other.

Some people don't read the whole book - only the portions they like

2 Timothy 4:2 (KJV)
2 Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.

Titus 1:13 (KJV)
13 This witness is true. Wherefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith;

Paul in almost all his epistles points out sins of a believer and we are called upon to try and restore brothers and sisters in sin not "mind our own business"

Galatians 6:1
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.

 

[FireDragon76]

It would do no good to confront her about it at this point. Being somebody's friend doesn't mean you approve of their behavior.

It sounds to me like what she needs is a healthy relationship that models positive behaviors - that is something you can do. It's not your job to judge, chances are she already has a lot of that going on inside her head anyways. Just because she says nothing about it doesn't mean it isn't there.

 

[Lavendar Frog]

If you can't bear her personal life you should end the friendship.
Forgiveness is at the heart of Christianity. And her personal life is none of your business. But that you feel it is this deeply says you probably should just step out of the picture all together.
You don't sound compassionate. You sound angry and judgmental having endured her personal choices you don't approve and for three years.

About three years ago, one of my best friends (who I am now now longer very close to) had an abortion. When we were closer friends a few years ago, she expressed worry over if she did the right thing or not, but often leaned to it being the right thing. She said she was drinking heavily at the time she found out (she wasn’t very far along) she was pregnant and with an abusive man.

Flash forward a few years and she had children with an unbeliever, whom she is not married too. When I met up with her recently, she brought up the abortion saying that she believes it was the right thing to do.

What’s odd is that she attends church full time (much more so than when she had the abortion) and she still feels that what she did was right. I have kept my mouth shut regarding the situation as well as her still being intimate with her children’s father, even though she is not married.

Should I confront her on this issue, trying to understand where she is coming from, if we see each other again, or should I continue to let it go?

 

[KimT]

Pray for your friend. She may feel more guilt and shame than you know or it may come on her later. That is between her and God. When the opportunity comes, encourage her to accept Jesus as her savior. Lover her. Be there for her. Keep praying. Someone prayed for me.

 

[MikeEnders]

I feel like I am in a tough spot because I don't want to judge her, but at the same time, it is so obvious the thing she is doing wrong according to the bible. Regarding speaking to the pastor, she goes to a mega church, in which I am unfamiliar.

Thank you everyone. I hope this clarifies things a bit more...

Hey tinkerBell

You are getting a lot of TERRIBLY unbiblical advise here. First of all do not buy the "do not judge your friend' argument - not because you should judge but because nowadays people have completely redefined and perverted what the word "judge" means. Its to be expected in our society with a whole lot of compromising church goers

Saying " hey [insert friend name] since you brought it up. in light of what the Bible says should you really being living with a man you are neither married to nor ever want to marry?" is NOT judging.

As I said some people have changed and perverted what the word judge means to the point where simply identifying a sinful activity as sinful is called "judging". Such a definition is meant to mask sin.

First, The word Krino in the greek is a legal term meaning to pass a sentence or decide a case . It does NOT state that you cannot identify a sin but you just should not pass a sentence on a person. Saying to your friend for example - you are a worthless person for being in sin would be such a judgement.

Second people take passages on judgment entirely out of context partly because many of them have never read the Bible they just use the expression like a television sound bite. lets take such a verse often cited

Matthew
7:1 “Judge not, that you be not judged.

The poor or non existent bible reader here makes a claim that since the Bible states this you should mind your own business and not be involved in correcting or helping your brother out of sin ....but guess what they would see if they actually kept reading the passage? The EXACT opposite

2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Notice....the reason you should get your own life in order first is so that you can help take the splinter/sin out of your brother's eye not leave him alone and mind your own business. Huge difference to what you read in this thread.

Still we must be wise as we try to help brothers and sisters out of their sin.

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted."
Galatians 6:1

You really cannot do that over email and we have to read between the lines. Chances are she brought up the abortion because deep down she is still struggling with it and needs to hear herself say its alright. Neither you nor her can go back and undo it so its probably not fruitful to get into that more. Its her present condition that you can help her work through but always realize - its your responsibility if you believe she is a Christian sister to point things out but not to force her - the repentance can't be repentance unless she see it for herself. Also you friendship should not be contigent on her admitting anything to you just as she shouldn't make you agreeing with sin a condition of friendship

You can remind her in a caring way what the Bible teaches but beyond that your responsibility ends. right now its probably best that you wait on God to bring her across your path and ideally raise the issue again herself. Running her down to tell her she is sinning probably wont go over well but if you are with her again nothing from God's word forbids you from witnessing to her.