My Christian friend had an abortion

[Tinkerbells]

Everyone, thank you so much for all your kind words! I am glad that most of you see where I am coming from regarding the issue. I too have thought that she couldn't possibly be repentant if she tells me she feels having an abortion "was the right thing to do" years later and after attending church service weekly. This really shocked me when I heard it and I didn't understand it, which is why I wanted some advice. Is it possible that it was the right decision and that I should just let this go? The former question is highly debatable but I think I have my answer on that, the later question may be answered yes. I'm just kind of stuck.

To make matters worse was her telling me that she had no intention of marrying her babies dad. Then she stated how having to wait six weeks to be intimate with him after the babies were born was hard and that they had already slipped up. They are now moving to another place together, which shows me that this is going to continue for a while.

The problem is that we don't talk nearly as much as we used to. She has began treating me more like an acquaintance, even though she was one of my best friends for nearly 15 years. She is taking a long time to respond back to me and sometimes she just ignores me. Could this be God pushing her out of my life? Perhaps I should just send her an email ending the friendship, or letting it go entirely without saying anything (but that is difficult).

I feel like I am in a tough spot because I don't want to judge her, but at the same time, it is so obvious the thing she is doing wrong according to the bible. Regarding speaking to the pastor, she goes to a mega church, in which I am unfamiliar.

Thank you everyone. I hope this clarifies things a bit more...

 

[KitKatMatt]

It's possible that her decision was the right one for her at the time. That may be something no one is able to understand but herself.

I'm not sure how a government marriage somehow means God now shines upon a union, so I'll stay out of the second paragraph entirely.

If it seems like you are drifting apart as friends, then the relationship may have just run it's course. It happens to most everyone. Many times, friendships actually have an expiration period, and once it's done it's done. You could choose either route, really. I'd say choose which one is more comfortable for you, and if that means formally ending it, then that is most likely the best choice.

She may be in a different part of her journey than you are. I would say to withhold judgement as much as possible, because no one is really able to know her relationship with God but her and God Himself.

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

About three years ago, one of my best friends (who I am now now longer very close to) had an abortion. When we were closer friends a few years ago, she expressed worry over if she did the right thing or not, but often leaned to it being the right thing. She said she was drinking heavily at the time she found out (she wasn’t very far along) she was pregnant and with an abusive man.

Flash forward a few years and she had children with an unbeliever, whom she is not married too. When I met up with her recently, she brought up the abortion saying that she believes it was the right thing to do.

What’s odd is that she attends church full time (much more so than when she had the abortion) and she still feels that what she did was right. I have kept my mouth shut regarding the situation as well as her still being intimate with her children’s father, even though she is not married.

Should I confront her on this issue, trying to understand where she is coming from, if we see each other again, or should I continue to let it go?

You have the right to try to make your thoughts and feelings known if something she did / is doing bothers you. That does not mean that it is the prudent thing to do--choose your battles wisely--but you do have the right.

But you say that she is the one who brought it up. I was not there when she brought it up, so I do not know the context, her demeanor, your demeanor, etc. However, my guess is that she had something on her mind and she was indirectly saying that she needed somebody to listen. "Do you want to talk about it?", followed by empathizing and listening without judging was probably the appropriate response.

 

[Tinkerbells]

You have the right to try to make your thoughts and feelings known if something she did / is doing bothers you. That does not mean that it is the prudent thing to do--choose your battles wisely--but you do have the right.

But you say that she is the one who brought it up. I was not there when she brought it up, so I do not know the context, her demeanor, your demeanor, etc. However, my guess is that she had something on her mind and she was indirectly saying that she needed somebody to listen. "Do you want to talk about it?", followed by empathizing and listening without judging was probably the appropriate response.

I agree, it may not be the right thing to do and I think especially since we are communicating less and less everyday. When she brought up the topic, it was when we were had met up and she was holding one of her babies. I told her that God brought her a baby at the right time. I maybe shouldn't have told her that considering she had the child out of wedlock and during a break up, but at the time she became pregnant she was competing for a competition so she was in excellent shape, eating healthy, and taking prenatal vitamins. I do feel her body was perfectly prepped for a baby.Then she smiled and said "I really think the abortion was the right to do" and then she looked back at her baby.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I know quite a few women who have had abortions...not a single one of them regret it. And yes, some of them are church going Christians...

 

[OliviaMay]

Just be nice. Don't send an email.

 

[StephanieSomer]

About three years ago, one of my best friends (who I am now now longer very close to) had an abortion. When we were closer friends a few years ago, she expressed worry over if she did the right thing or not, but often leaned to it being the right thing. She said she was drinking heavily at the time she found out (she wasn’t very far along) she was pregnant and with an abusive man.

Flash forward a few years and she had children with an unbeliever, whom she is not married too. When I met up with her recently, she brought up the abortion saying that she believes it was the right thing to do.

What’s odd is that she attends church full time (much more so than when she had the abortion) and she still feels that what she did was right. I have kept my mouth shut regarding the situation as well as her still being intimate with her children’s father, even though she is not married.

Should I confront her on this issue, trying to understand where she is coming from, if we see each other again, or should I continue to let it go?

I find it very distressing that the only issue being brought up is the abortion. Your friend's life is in a constant state of sinful behavior, quite unlike that which one would expect from one who confesses Christ. She's living in fornication, continuously, from one guy to the next. For the record, ALL sex outside of marriage is fornication. While I do agree with abortion being a heinous act, it is very obvious from the Scripture that God views fornication and adultery as much more serious. Both of those are often overlooked as no big deal anymore in the Church, because they are so often practiced by confessing Christians. Her church attendance doesn't make her a Christian. One can attend every single service for an entire lifetime and not be a believer.

 

[Tinkerbells]

Just be nice. Don't send an email.

I do know her situation. I already said i don't want to judge but it's hard not to because of what she is doing. The bible does say you can judge as long as you are not being a hypocrite. I believe that we see the bible differently and unfortunately I will not change my mind on the fact thay what I think she is doing with her current boyfriend is wrong. The bible says you should have sex within the confines of marriage.

 

[OliviaMay]

I find it very distressing that the only issue being brought up is the abortion. Your friend's life is in a constant state of sinful behavior, quite unlike that which one would expect from one who confesses Christ. She's living in fornication, continuously, from one guy to the next. For the record, ALL sex outside of marriage is fornication. While I do agree with abortion being a heinous act, it is very obvious from the Scripture that God views fornication and adultery as much more serious. Both of those are often overlooked as no big deal anymore in the Church, because they are so often practiced by confessing Christians. Her church attendance doesn't make her a Christian. One can attend every single service for an entire lifetime and not be a believer.

That is precisely why she should be kind.

 

[OliviaMay]

I do know her situation. I already said i don't want to judge but it's hard not to because of what she is doing. The bible does say you can judge as long as you are not being a hypocrite. I believe that we see the bible differently and unfortunately I will not change my mind on the fact thay what I think she is doing with her current boyfriend is wrong. The bible says you should have sex within the confines of marriage.

No the bible doesn't say you can judge as long as you aren't a hypocrite. You are fundamentally incorrect. Why is what she is doing with her partner wrong? Because they don't throw a party and pay a tax? They don't seek someone else s approval and blessing for their union? The kid lives with its father and mother right. So no need for the judgement.

 

[KitKatMatt]

I do know her situation. I already said i don't want to judge but it's hard not to because of what she is doing. The bible does say you can judge as long as you are not being a hypocrite. I believe that we see the bible differently and unfortunately I will not change my mind on the fact thay what I think she is doing with her current boyfriend is wrong. The bible says you should have sex within the confines of marriage.

We all judge, even when we shouldn't. The Bible also says "judge not, that ye be judged".

If you judge, judge internally in your own mind. You won't do your friend any favors by judging her externally or confronting her. This makes people go on the defensive, they close themselves off, and it can shatter friendships and trust.

If she did not ask advice from you, then there's nothing positive you can do except leave her alone.

 

[Tinkerbells]

We all judge, even when we shouldn't. The Bible also says "judge not, that ye be judged".

If you judge, judge internally in your own mind. You won't do your friend any favors by judging her externally or confronting her. This makes people go on the defensive, they close themselves off, and it can shatter friendships and trust.

If she did not ask advice from you, then there's nothing positive you can do except leave her alone.

I would never confront her angrily or in a rude way. If I ever brought it up, it would be in a loving and kind way. I would probably ask questions first too instead of just jumping in.

 

[KitKatMatt]

Don't confront her at all.

Ask if she wants to talk about it, and if she says yes let her talk and do not say anything. You're allowed to ask open, non-accusatory questions, but do not make statements.

If she says she doesn't want to talk about it, tell her you respect her boundaries and do not push it further. If she says she doesn't want to answer certain questions, do not push them further.

If she asks for your advice, you can say something. If she doesn't ask for your advice, say nothing.

If you confront her or if you give her your unsolicited opinion, you are doing it wrong. This is how you make someone become defensive, this is how you make them not want to be around you or talk to you. When someone feels that someone is accusing them or judging them, they will close their ears and turn away.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I do know her situation. I already said i don't want to judge but it's hard not to because of what she is doing. The bible does say you can judge as long as you are not being a hypocrite. I believe that we see the bible differently and unfortunately I will not change my mind on the fact thay what I think she is doing with her current boyfriend is wrong. The bible says you should have sex within the confines of marriage.

Why can't you just keep out of her business?

Where in the bible does it say that to be "married" one must have a license?

A little history lesson for you...state sanctioned marriage is a recent event. Even in more modern times, because of distances...couples would just live together without a marriage ceremony and they and the community would consider them man and wife. That was the basis for the idea of common law marriage.

Many people go for the state-sanctioned marriage now just for the tax benefits...that's pretty much the ONLY reason I got married. We lived "in sin" for about 5 years before we went and got that license...nothing changed from one day to the next. We still went home, went to work, cleaned the house, cared for the critters. Heck, I never even took my husband's last name...and I won't.

 

[Tinkerbells]

No the bible doesn't say you can judge as long as you aren't a hypocrite. You are fundamentally incorrect. Why is what she is doing with her partner wrong? Because they don't throw a party and pay a tax? They don't seek someone else s approval and blessing for their union? The kid lives with its father and mother right. So no need for the judgement.

If there is any judgment, it's on the sin, not her. I can promise you that. As you can tell from many others that have posted, the bible maintains that sex be between a husband and wife. If you don't agree with them needing a paper to prove that, then OK, but how can you justify her saying she doesn't want any type of marriage at all with him?

 

[Tinkerbells]

Why can't you just keep out of her business?

Where in the bible does it say that to be "married" one must have a license?

A little history lesson for you...state sanctioned marriage is a recent event. Even in more modern times, because of distances...couples would just live together without a marriage ceremony and they and the community would consider them man and wife. That was the basis for the idea of common law marriage.

Many people go for the state-sanctioned marriage now just for the tax benefits...that's pretty much the ONLY reason I got married. We lived "in sin" for about 5 years before we went and got that license...nothing changed from one day to the next. We still went home, went to work, cleaned the house, cared for the critters. Heck, I never even took my husband's last name...and I won't.

I am noticing that few people have read all my posts.

To answer your first question, because she made it my business. I am one of the few people that know about the abortion and she has discussed it in detail with me on several occasions. It's just that revently, her viewpoint changed.

Secondly, she has no intention of being married to him in any way shape or form. It's not like she said "we love each other and will always be together, but we don't agree with a traditional marriage". If she said that, I still wouldnt agree, but would understand more. Thats not what she is saying though. I hope this clarifies things.

 

[KitKatMatt]

Your personal beliefs have no bearing on what she does.

If she's chosen to not marry her boyfriend, that's between her, him, and God.

She has not "made it" your business. She entrusted you with a piece of information. Many friends confide in each other as a form of trust and support, this is not the same as asking for your opinion on the matter. If you are uncomfortable with her confiding in you about this subject, tell her that you are uncomfortable and that you do not want her to bring such subjects up.

If you ask her about it and she asks your advice on the subject, then yes you're within bounds to state your opinions or thoughts. If she hasn't asked for you advice, then do not speak.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Ok...so she confided in you...most of the time, when someone confides in another it's from position of TRUST...where you TRUST that the person you're spilling your guts to will NOT turn against you.

However, again...she did what she did. Its over and done with. She doesn't want to get married...I can see that...

So...instead of spending time worrying about her, her life, spend that time worrying about YOUR life and YOUR relationship to God.

 

[Armoured]

The bible does say you can judge as long as you are not being a hypocrite.

Must have missed that bit?

 

[Armoured]

I am noticing that few people have read all my posts.

To answer your first question, because she made it my business. I am one of the few people that know about the abortion and she has discussed it in detail with me on several occasions. It's just that revently, her viewpoint changed.

Secondly, she has no intention of being married to him in any way shape or form. It's not like she said "we love each other and will always be together, but we don't agree with a traditional marriage". If she said that, I still wouldnt agree, but would understand more. Thats not what she is saying though. I hope this clarifies things.

Maybe rather than worrying about someone else's personal choices and trying to think how best to condemn them, you could worry about doing some of the stuff the Bible actually says makes you a good Christian? Feed the hungry, visit people in prison or hospital, you know, stuff like that?