akmom
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- Jun 13, 2012
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So many good points in the last few posts.
I have to second this. Domestic responsibilities aren't what they used to be. It is unfulfilling! If I was milking my own cows, growing my own grain, making my own clothes, using a washboard and line-drying... then I would not need or want a job.
To be honest, that really only describes a nuclear family. Yours is a blended family, which is inherently different. And your children are NOT young, and do not require the kind of round-the-clock nurture you describe. Not even at the beginning of your marriage, when all but one was school-age (and the next year, all of them school-age). Why would she need to be home? Husband and stepchildren are all at work or school. I just don't even know what that role would look like in a blended, older family. Your ideal is based on a young nuclear family. Which leads me to...
Does she feel she has fallen short? Perhaps her understanding of what that meant is exactly what she has been doing. I mean, she can't really stay home and nurture your children, because they're older and they already have a mom. And she did do a share of the housework when she was able-bodied... is that not a helpmeet?
Not necessarily. My traditional husband married a traditional wife, and it just didn't work out. I always thought I'd do what my mom did, but neither me nor my husband was happy with the arrangement. Turns out my mom never liked it either; she just suffered through it because it's what my dad thought he wanted. So... I don't think it's necessarily preventable, or something you can instruct your sons to avoid, lol. You can commit to staying home and nurturing your children when they are young, but eventually people are going to move on and pursue their own passions (which might not be perpetual homemaking), or else become bitter and defeated. You can't predict everything, that is why marriage is such an exercise in compromise - no matter how compatible you thought you'd be! (And I don't think you'd find any couple who disagrees with that.)
Historically, except for the upper classes, women have always worked. They worked in factories (reference the Triangle Factory fire), they worked on the farm, they did not stay home, clean house and raise children. It wasn't until after WW2 that women had the ability to be SAHMs. Wages went up, people were able to get mortgages to buy homes, loans to buy cars and that afforded people a more middle class lifestyle with only one parent working. Things aren't like that anymore. Wages have actually decreased (in buying power) over the last 10+ years. A "starter" home in many areas costs upwards of $150,000. Can't buy a house on one income of maybe 35K/year. It just doesn't work that way.
I have to second this. Domestic responsibilities aren't what they used to be. It is unfulfilling! If I was milking my own cows, growing my own grain, making my own clothes, using a washboard and line-drying... then I would not need or want a job.
But as opposed to the man, the woman's primary responsibility is as a helpmeet to her husband, and caregiver(a nurturer especially when the children are small) to her children and keeper of the home. I already know where all you stand on this - you think its all supposed to be even,but I and many other Conservative traditionalist Christians disagree.
To be honest, that really only describes a nuclear family. Yours is a blended family, which is inherently different. And your children are NOT young, and do not require the kind of round-the-clock nurture you describe. Not even at the beginning of your marriage, when all but one was school-age (and the next year, all of them school-age). Why would she need to be home? Husband and stepchildren are all at work or school. I just don't even know what that role would look like in a blended, older family. Your ideal is based on a young nuclear family. Which leads me to...
I know it is my fault, I should not have believed her even though she pledged to honor what I believed was God's design for marriage and the family.
Does she feel she has fallen short? Perhaps her understanding of what that meant is exactly what she has been doing. I mean, she can't really stay home and nurture your children, because they're older and they already have a mom. And she did do a share of the housework when she was able-bodied... is that not a helpmeet?
I would never tell my Sons that they should marry an egalitarian woman, because of the churches they attended, and how they were raised it would never work for them. I agree - egalitarians should marry egalitarians, and traditionals should marry traditionals. The issue is I have made the mistake but I have to live with it.
Not necessarily. My traditional husband married a traditional wife, and it just didn't work out. I always thought I'd do what my mom did, but neither me nor my husband was happy with the arrangement. Turns out my mom never liked it either; she just suffered through it because it's what my dad thought he wanted. So... I don't think it's necessarily preventable, or something you can instruct your sons to avoid, lol. You can commit to staying home and nurturing your children when they are young, but eventually people are going to move on and pursue their own passions (which might not be perpetual homemaking), or else become bitter and defeated. You can't predict everything, that is why marriage is such an exercise in compromise - no matter how compatible you thought you'd be! (And I don't think you'd find any couple who disagrees with that.)
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