More and More lazy stay at home wives

[Romanseight2005]

ValleyGal,

As far as Deborah goes I would point out that the Bible never says if she had children or how old they were. It only says she was "the wife of Lapidoth". As far as we know she could have been childless, it's an unknown. So from my traditional view point, there is nothing conflicting here.

Also unlike other Judges who sat at the gates of the cities - she sat "she dwelt under the palm tree of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in mount Ephraim: and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment."(Judges 4:5).

There is no evidence in Scripture here that Deborah ever tried to usurp her husbands authority, she never went to the gates with the Elders and leaders as was the custom other Judges of the time, instead she sat under a Palm tree where people would come to her ask for judgement about various issues.

She did not try to take leadership of the Army of Israel and Even when Barak begged her to come she said:

"And she said, I will surely go with thee: notwithstanding the journey that thou takest shall not be for thine honour; for the Lord shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. And Deborah arose, and went with Barak to Kedesh."

Her comment about God giving them into the hand of a "woman" was meant to shame Barak. She was not like the women today who fight for power. She knew God meant for Barak(a man) to lead that army, and he was acting cowardly.

As far as your other comments I really appreciate what you said at the end of this post. You accept that I have firmly held convictions on this, even if you find them to be wrong in your view. I appreciate your respectful wording and I think you summed things up well about my responsibilities as leader of my home(since that is what I believe in).

I know I have many areas I need to work myself personally as well as leadership issues for my family.

Technically though, if she was judge over the land, then she was judge over her husband too, since he was part of the population of that land. She also was a Prophetess, so she heard directly from God. I don't recall reading anywhere in the Scriptures, that Debra;s husband was a prophet. That means that her husband had to hear from God, through his wife.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Musing

Here below are some of the issues I see according to your posts:



I see a man that is serious about his convictions based on his interpretation of the scriptures

I see a man that is open to learning and willing to be humble enough to admit his short comings and willing to try and do better

I see a man that does 70-80 % of the domestic work in he home but feels unappreciated by his wife

I see a man that feels the pains of his wife’s criticisms

I see a man that is upset by the fact that his wife did not keep her agreement about the priority of family before career

I see a man that has taken on her credit bills that she acquired before marriage and is now paying for her student loans and would be happy if only she would add more to the relationship

I see a man that knows that his wife views being home a waste of her life and finds her identity in her work

I see a man that knows that when his wife had the decision to have a child and put the child and children before her career; she decided to not have a child.

I see a man whose two love languages are touch and words of affirmation (appreciation) but his wife has “…told me flat out though she is not a touchy person and she has to concentrate really hard on touching me.”
She has told you how much she appreciates you 3-4 times a year but you want more.


Regardless of any small differences that we may have regarding a wife working outside the home, you are to be commended for staying in this marriage. Your many positive qualities and actions outweigh the negative that some perceive you as having in terms of traditional verses an egalitarian position. Your attempt at helping your wife under the conditions you have described is admirable, your 100% financial support is very noteworthy and your interactions with your children are OUTSTANDING!

Your wife’s relationship with your children is a huge positive plus! I am glad that you appreciate her for that.

Having a spouse that seems to show by her actions that you are not number one or number two can cause a ton of hurts and make one feel unappreciated.


I wonder how many people would do as much as you have done with the pain that you have?

Using, we have a few differences but I want you to know that my hat is off to you. Your positive actions are much more important than our differences about wives/mothers working outside the home.

Keep learning, improving, and continue being strong my brother! You are a good man!



Stan

 

[Autumnleaf]

Many women are prideful and refuse to accept correction from their husbands. Society does not back men on this issue, it actually encourages women and children not to respect men. Its part of the divide and conquer strategy used by the world's owners to control societies via media and law.

 

[Inkachu]

Since when is it a husband's job to "correct" his wife? She's not a child or a dog. If he has a problem with her, he needs to approach her with love, respect, and kindness. Not slap her on the wrist and send her to her room.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

Many women are prideful and refuse to accept correction from their husbands. Society does not back men on this issue, it actually encourages women and children not to respect men. Its part of the divide and conquer strategy used by the world's owners to control societies via media and law.

What? Umm..."correction"? Sorry buddy, I'm a grown up. I respect my husband but if he were to "correct" me, there'd be trouble. I do not need "correction". I'm not a child, I'm not an inferior being. I also will be respected as an adult, as someone with her own intellect. Respect is earned not summarily given. If women are not respecting their husbands, its up to the husband to figure out why and rectify the situation to where the wife can respect her husband.

But "correction"...nope, I don't think so. We correct the children, we correct the dogs, he doesn't correct me. He can speak to me, he can tell me what he's feeling or what is on his mind and we can discuss it, but he cannot "correct" me. That would not fly.

 

[cerette]

I think both spouses should lovingly correct the other when/if needed.
At least I know enough about my shortcomings to say that I most definitely need correction at times. When I act sinfully, I am happy that my husband points it out to me. Likewise, he appreciates it when I point it out that he is acting sinfully.
Correction needn't be about spankings and time outs....

 

[Inkachu]

Maybe we need to define what we mean by the word "correct". To me, that's a term you use for someone under your dominance; a child, a pet. I don't "correct" my husband when he's wrong, I tell him my thoughts and feelings and then it's up to HIM to decide how he reacts to that. Same with him towards me. We "correct" our 13 year old son, but we "communicate" with each other. I can demand that my child obey me or change his behaviors, I can't do that with another adult like my husband.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[ValleyGal]

I think both spouses should lovingly correct the other when/if needed.
At least I know enough about my shortcomings to say that I most definitely need correction at times. When I act sinfully, I am happy that my husband points it out to me. Likewise, he appreciates it when I point it out that he is acting sinfully.
Correction needn't be about spankings and time outs....

I agree with this for issues of sin, but I also believe this needs to be chosen very carefully otherwise it could be turned into nitpicking over nagging issues and character defects which can be perceived as nothing more than criticism. Criticism is a known factor in predicting divorce. For example, if a husband states "I am doing 80% of the housework" it's a statement that is observable and based only on behaviour without making any judgements. If a husband states "My wife is lazy and only does 20% of the housework" - that is criticism and attacks the character of the wife rather than the behaviour. This kind of dynamic leads to resentment and stonewalling and is very damaging to marriage.

And it is not a "sin" issue for a woman to only do 20% of the housework, especially when she has children of helping age and a disability. Imo, the issue on this thread is not a "sin" issue, but rather an unhealthy dynamic. The real "sin" here is the criticism, which is contrary to loving a spouse and building others up.

 

[sdmsanjose]

The real "sin" here is the criticism, which is contrary to loving a spouse and building others up.

BINGO!!! Right on VG!

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[sdmsanjose]

The real "sin" here is the criticism, which is contrary to loving a spouse and building others up.

That statement is also true of Christian brothers and sisters that criticize a brother in pain with very little, and in some cases, no building up

 

[cerette]

I was just making a comment about "being corrected"--I didn't say that in light of the issues that the OP states in their marriage.

Just for clarification.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[Inkachu]

"Respectfully disagree" is not synonymous with "correct". One implies that you're presenting your point of view and leaving it at that; the other person then has the freedom to accept or reject your input and make a decision on how to react to it. The other implies that you are asserting authority and power to change the other person's behaviors, whether they agree with you or not.

Big, big difference.

 

[mkgal1]

"Respectfully disagree" is not synonymous with "correct". One implies that you're presenting your point of view and leaving it at that; the other person then has the freedom to accept or reject your input and make a decision on how to react to it. The other implies that you are asserting authority and power to change the other person's behaviors, whether they agree with you or not.

Big, big difference.

I like how you made that distinction, Inka. I also think that ties back into "making a spouse a priority". If we value someone......we *also* value their input (and often allow it to influence us---even change our attitudes and behavior).

 

[Inkachu]

I like how you made that distinction, Inka. I also think that ties back into "making a spouse a priority". If we value someone......we *also* value their input (and often allow it to influence us---even change our attitudes and behavior).

Thanks. I think it's extremely important that we realize that we cannot (and don't have the right to) coerce our spouse into mindless obedience, or else we've reduced them to the position of a servant or slave. We have to be able to handle our spouses disagreeing with us (respectfully) and having differing opinions and viewpoints, without letting it throw us into some kind of tailspin of failed dominance. It's not a competition. It's not a battle. Be willing to be flexible and LET GO of some of your own opinions, if it means keeping the peace and creating a more workable partnership. In other words, work with what you've got, rather than beating your head against a proverbial wall wishing you had something else.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[Avniel]

That statement is also true of Christian brothers and sisters that criticize a brother in pain with very little, and in some cases, no building up

I think criticism a necessity to growth. The scripture that says love rejoices in the truth, to me translates to telling those you love the truth. We have a tendency within the church to view criticism as spite. However it really isn't hatred but love. Jesus criticized the Pharisees and then He begged for their forgiveness on the cross.

I am in and out of this thread but let me take a swing in the dark.

If I work to provide, then that is my position in the family to bring home the bacon. Can I expect certain things, such a taken care of home? I think that's reasonable, I think that is only fair. Everyone in a family has a job to keep the community functional when one is not holding up to their part the unit is affected.

However people need to know what they want and who they are marrying. I wanted a woman that could take care of the home, I looked for that attribute. If I settled for a woman lacking in that area it's unfair of me to expect something out of her that isn't in her skill set.

It's like basketball, anyone on the court can score but the team won't get anywhere with out defense, setting screens, cutters and rebounds. All players have gaps in their games but the key is to find players that compliment each other.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.