Me not having ever been married, makes divorced women suspicious/judgemental

[ThisIsMe123]

I got to chatting with this...."Christian" woman, and she couldn't figure out, why at the age of my 50s, that I've never been married, and no matter what the reason I gave, that I keep meeting shallow women that play games, or whatever, that she finds it VERY strange and suspect that I've never married. That I date a lot (which I don't ) and found it odd that I'm Christian that assumed that I go out with a lot of women, but never married anyone of them.


That I wasn't a "risk" taker at marriage. Implied that I was afraid of it even. I said since my 20s I wanted marriage.

She said she is "Christian", she's divorced..;.once, and never wants to marry again. So it sounds like she wants to just date, and hasn't been on a lot of dates. She then contradicts herself that she's not "entirely opposed" to getting married again.

She claims to have gotten to America on her own (not via a green card marriage), and was married 25 years.

Then she goes on to say, "The maybe it's you"

I've gotten into quite a few of these conversations with these bitter, divorced women 40 and older and it's no wonder men my age tend towards the younger ladies...and these are the very reasons I suppose. They tend to grill me hard about my situation, and it's made me a bit self-conscious and it doesn't make me feel any better when they do this.

I said I found it a bit odd, being from South America, and Christian, that she came from a culture that was of a marriage minded capacity, and from that she thought I was saying that she got married for the purpose of citizen ship. So don't generalize!

I never said that, she put words in my mouth.

And I was like "Don't generalize ME/ or Judge mE (same thing in a way), because I'VE never been married!"

The conversation pretty much ended there.

It's a sad...sad world where even CHRISTIANS find a fellow Christian, that's never been married, as a dealbreaker, yes?

 

[timewerx]

You have to set your expectations a lot lower for Christians.

In fact, same expectations as you would a non-believer. Nice people would be nice no matter what religion they are.

I said I found it a bit odd, being from South America, and Christian, that she came from a culture that was of a marriage minded capacity

Living in USA more than 25 years might change that. Money and and worldly success can also change people and usually worse from a spiritual perspective.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Usually when a woman suspects that I've never been married, that there' something wrong with me...then I ask, "Oh, so what's the reason foryour failed marriage?"

 

[QuestionQuest74]

I got to chatting with this...."Christian" woman, and she couldn't figure out, why at the age of my 50s, that I've never been married, and no matter what the reason I gave, that I keep meeting shallow women that play games, or whatever, that she finds it VERY strange and suspect that I've never married. That I date a lot (which I don't ) and found it odd that I'm Christian that assumed that I go out with a lot of women, but never married anyone of them.


That I wasn't a "risk" taker at marriage. Implied that I was afraid of it even. I said since my 20s I wanted marriage.

She said she is "Christian", she's divorced..;.once, and never wants to marry again. So it sounds like she wants to just date, and hasn't been on a lot of dates. She then contradicts herself that she's not "entirely opposed" to getting married again.

She claims to have gotten to America on her own (not via a green card marriage), and was married 25 years.

Then she goes on to say, "The maybe it's you"

I've gotten into quite a few of these conversations with these bitter, divorced women 40 and older and it's no wonder men my age tend towards the younger ladies...and these are the very reasons I suppose. They tend to grill me hard about my situation, and it's made me a bit self-conscious and it doesn't make me feel any better when they do this.

I said I found it a bit odd, being from South America, and Christian, that she came from a culture that was of a marriage minded capacity, and from that she thought I was saying that she got married for the purpose of citizen ship. So don't generalize!

I never said that, she put words in my mouth.

And I was like "Don't generalize ME/ or Judge mE (same thing in a way), because I'VE never been married!"

The conversation pretty much ended there.

It's a sad...sad world where even CHRISTIANS find a fellow Christian, that's never been married, as a dealbreaker, yes?

Unfortunately especially in first world countries MOST women regardless of their faith are merciless when dating men.

 

[d taylor]

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I am not sure of your age but at 58 what a women thinks of me is the least of my concerns, probably why i am still single.

 

[eleos1954]

I got to chatting with this...."Christian" woman, and she couldn't figure out, why at the age of my 50s, that I've never been married, and no matter what the reason I gave, that I keep meeting shallow women that play games, or whatever, that she finds it VERY strange and suspect that I've never married. That I date a lot (which I don't ) and found it odd that I'm Christian that assumed that I go out with a lot of women, but never married anyone of them.


That I wasn't a "risk" taker at marriage. Implied that I was afraid of it even. I said since my 20s I wanted marriage.

She said she is "Christian", she's divorced..;.once, and never wants to marry again. So it sounds like she wants to just date, and hasn't been on a lot of dates. She then contradicts herself that she's not "entirely opposed" to getting married again.

She claims to have gotten to America on her own (not via a green card marriage), and was married 25 years.

Then she goes on to say, "The maybe it's you"

I've gotten into quite a few of these conversations with these bitter, divorced women 40 and older and it's no wonder men my age tend towards the younger ladies...and these are the very reasons I suppose. They tend to grill me hard about my situation, and it's made me a bit self-conscious and it doesn't make me feel any better when they do this.

I said I found it a bit odd, being from South America, and Christian, that she came from a culture that was of a marriage minded capacity, and from that she thought I was saying that she got married for the purpose of citizen ship. So don't generalize!

I never said that, she put words in my mouth.

And I was like "Don't generalize ME/ or Judge mE (same thing in a way), because I'VE never been married!"

The conversation pretty much ended there.

It's a sad...sad world where even CHRISTIANS find a fellow Christian, that's never been married, as a dealbreaker, yes?

I think most people are open to marriage ... but finding the right companion can be difficult ... the apostle Paul said it was better to stay single

Paul doesn't pull any punches in this regard: “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:8-9).

Sounds like this person already has trust issues in general.

 

[Miles]

If that's what she thought then she should have kept it to herself. Not everybody finds rudeness attractive. Take what she said with a grain of salt. Better yet, don't give it another thought. You were right to end the conversation there.

I'm in my 40s and I actively avoid bitter women. Bitterness is a deal-breaker for me. If that means I don't date as often, or that I'm the reason for my own singleness, then so be it. There are good ones out there. Sweet, interesting, pleasant to be around, etc. Every now and then I meet somebody like that who genuinely clicks with me. They're the only women whose opinions I care about when it comes to being in a relationship.

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

I got to chatting with this...."Christian" woman, and she couldn't figure out, why at the age of my 50s, that I've never been married, and no matter what the reason I gave, that I keep meeting shallow women that play games, or whatever, that she finds it VERY strange and suspect that I've never married. That I date a lot (which I don't ) and found it odd that I'm Christian that assumed that I go out with a lot of women, but never married anyone of them.


That I wasn't a "risk" taker at marriage. Implied that I was afraid of it even. I said since my 20s I wanted marriage.

She said she is "Christian", she's divorced..;.once, and never wants to marry again. So it sounds like she wants to just date, and hasn't been on a lot of dates. She then contradicts herself that she's not "entirely opposed" to getting married again.

She claims to have gotten to America on her own (not via a green card marriage), and was married 25 years.

Then she goes on to say, "The maybe it's you"

I've gotten into quite a few of these conversations with these bitter, divorced women 40 and older and it's no wonder men my age tend towards the younger ladies...and these are the very reasons I suppose. They tend to grill me hard about my situation, and it's made me a bit self-conscious and it doesn't make me feel any better when they do this.

I said I found it a bit odd, being from South America, and Christian, that she came from a culture that was of a marriage minded capacity, and from that she thought I was saying that she got married for the purpose of citizen ship. So don't generalize!

I never said that, she put words in my mouth.

And I was like "Don't generalize ME/ or Judge mE (same thing in a way), because I'VE never been married!"

The conversation pretty much ended there.

It's a sad...sad world where even CHRISTIANS find a fellow Christian, that's never been married, as a dealbreaker, yes?

I can fully understand her suspicion; it goes like this:

• why have you never before found a suitable woman? (suspicion: you're too picky or never satisfied)
• why did you never marry? (suspicion: fear of commitment)
• why was no other woman willing to marry you? (suspicion: other women deemed something was wrong with you)
• etc.

So all understandable suspicions .. and quite an uphill battle for you. Of course if she's divorced she has negative experiences and will try to detect anything in you that's a red flag given her past.

It may feel unfair but that's simply how it works. You probably would do best concentrating on being the best man possible, either for God, for yourself or for her or any other woman who is interested in being your partner in life.

What is a 'date' if both parties are not looking for a life-partner? Maybe better call it just a social appointment to catch-up with a (female) friend? The word 'date' carries a romantic association - maybe that's what you want to avoid if you're not there yet.

 

[Sketcher]

Well, she's divorced and alone for a reason.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

If that's what she thought then she should have kept it to herself. Not everybody finds rudeness attractive. Take what she said with a grain of salt. Better yet, don't give it another thought. You were right to end the conversation there.

I'm in my 40s and I actively avoid bitter women. Bitterness is a deal-breaker for me. If that means I don't date as often, or that I'm the reason for my own singleness, then so be it. There are good ones out there. Sweet, interesting, pleasant to be around, etc. Every now and then I meet somebody like that who genuinely clicks with me. They're the only women whose opinions I care about when it comes to being in a relationship.

I think bitterness of women over a certain age manifests in the example given...manifests in suspicion. I know some female friends that thinks it's a bonus. Shoot, she could be envious of me not having ever been married.

I've avoided those terrible marriages my friends and relatives have gone through because they wound up with the wrong person.

 

[Miles]

I think bitterness of women over a certain age manifests in the example given...manifests in suspicion. I know some female friends that thinks it's a bonus. Shoot, she could be envious of me not having ever been married.

I've avoided those terrible marriages my friends and relatives have gone through because they wound up with the wrong person.

It's a silver lining for sure. She may have been envious of you on some level. That does sound like a possibility. She could have also been defensive if she assumes that she is misjudged by men who never divorced. Either way, that would be more of a 'her' problem than a 'you' problem.

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

Usually when a woman suspects that I've never been married, that there' something wrong with me...then I ask, "Oh, so what's the reason foryour failed marriage?"

There's another reason why never having been married may be a warning sign to women: a marriage partner functions as a mirror - as a continuous feedback source, that will unavoidably result in some kind of self-improvement over time, development of social skills, listening/communication skills, self-reflection, etc. That even happens when your marriage fails for whatever reason.

So in some way a previous marriage despite the pain still is a sign the person has probably went through all of that with some positive effect.

If you stayed single all that time but also had plenty of friends and social interaction maybe a similar effect has occurred - but still you would have to convince/show her the results of that.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I can fully understand her suspicion; it goes like this:

• why have you never before found a suitable woman? (suspicion: you're too picky or never satisfied)
• why did you never marry? (suspicion: fear of commitment)
• why was no other woman willing to marry you? (suspicion: other women deemed something was wrong with you)
• etc.

So all understandable suspicions .. and quite an uphill battle for you. Of course if she's divorced she has negative experiences and will try to detect anything in you that's a red flag given her past.

It may feel unfair but that's simply how it works. You probably would do best concentrating on being the best man possible, either for God, for yourself or for her or any other woman who is interested in being your partner in life.

What is a 'date' if both parties are not looking for a life-partner? Maybe better call it just a social appointment to catch-up with a (female) friend? The word 'date' carries a romantic association - maybe that's what you want to avoid if you're not there yet.

But it's like, if you're Christian, you really shouldn't have suspicions. But in general, that's the problem with online dating, women will find a reason to dismiss a guy and move on to the other men in her inbox.

Had we met in person, It'd be organic, and she be willing to get to know me, naturally in a non-judgemental way.

I think this is where I've opened up my dating palate to the more spiritual women and not necessarily Christian. To me, being Christian is nice, but isn't the end-all, be-all when it comes to dating criteria.

I had one woman that said, "I'm a psych major (but she's not a therapist), please tell me...why??" And when I'd give her a reason, like "I just hadn't found the right woman yet" she wouldn't beleive me, and continued to drill, drill, drill me like I'm being interrogated.

 

[BeyondET]

I can fully understand her suspicion; it goes like this:

• why have you never before found a suitable woman? (suspicion: you're too picky or never satisfied)
• why did you never marry? (suspicion: fear of commitment)
• why was no other woman willing to marry you? (suspicion: other women deemed something was wrong with you)
• etc.

So all understandable suspicions .. and quite an uphill battle for you. Of course if she's divorced she has negative experiences and will try to detect anything in you that's a red flag given her past.

It may feel unfair but that's simply how it works. You probably would do best concentrating on being the best man possible, either for God, for yourself or for her or any other woman who is interested in being your partner in life.

What is a 'date' if both parties are not looking for a life-partner? Maybe better call it just a social appointment to catch-up with a (female) friend? The word 'date' carries a romantic association - maybe that's what you want to avoid if you're not there yet.

Interesting so the act of not commiting to signing a marriage certificate and doing taxes jointly. Can cause someone to be suspicious huh. I'm in my 50's never signed on the dotted line either, guess I've been suspicious haha

 

[Anonymous9090]

You have to set your expectations a lot lower for Christians.

In fact, same expectations as you would a non-believer. Nice people would be nice no matter what religion they are.



Living in USA more than 25 years might change that. Money and and worldly success can also change people and usually worse from a spiritual perspective.

It's Not just USA( and/or other Western nations) because divorce rates in developing nations that are on the economic rise( e.g, India, China, South-East Asian nations) also have high divorce rates nowadays because people, in general, are becoming materialistic, greedy, workaholics, etc. Korea & Japan are depopulating because women and men work long hours, and therefore, enter into a relationship( married or merely cohabitation), and end up with either No kids or just 1 kid. IT'S SCARY WORLD OUT THERE.

 

[timewerx]

It's Not just USA( and/or other Western nations) because divorce rates in developing nations that are on the economic rise( e.g, India, China, South-East Asian nations) also have high divorce rates nowadays because people, in general, are becoming materialistic, greedy, workaholics, etc. Korea & Japan are depopulating because women and men work long hours, and therefore, enter into a relationship( married or merely cohabitation), and end up with either No kids or just 1 kid. IT'S SCARY WORLD OUT THERE.

They don't want to be criticized by friends and relatives for not living in ridiculously expensive 'gentrified' neighborhoods and not wearing gentrified clothes, gentrified cars, and buying ridiculously expensive coffee from the gentrified coffee shops.

 

[DragonFox91]

You only have to worry about one. You want a woman, not women.