these great difficulties have helped refine my character a bit.
You mention character. Below, my comment for LaBèlla is also for you
Today we broached the topic of flesh versus spirit in my quiet time. And the importance of remaining in the spirit on this subject.
Our character has a lot to do with how we can do in a close relationship.
Ones say you can't get ready for marriage. I can see how maybe one might mean marriage is going to have things we can not see ahead of time. And before we get married as Christians, our character has not yet developed as well as needed for marriage. And right during marriage or other very close relating, we will keep needing correction so we can handle things better. We can not become perfectly like Jesus, first, before we get married; but we will be in correctional custody, while also deeply enjoying all the good. We will need deep correction, just so we are capable of enjoying and benefiting from marriage the really right way; and this will not all come beforehand.
And there are practical items we won't know about, ahead of time, so we can prepare for them. One thing I discovered with my lady friend is she has ways I did not know about. And I can be supposing I am so caring and generous and practical, that surely she would welcome however I told her to change how she does certain things. But > guess what? > how she does things is connected to her personality which is based in her real character. So, changing how she does things can mean changing her character, which no way can I do.
And then is when I could get frustrated and trying to talk her into changing certain things. But . . . uh-uh
There are things she knows are not right; but she needs to grow in Jesus, in order to really do things right in a different way. And my opinion is I need to encourage her to make sure God really is changing her so she does things differently but in the right way. And the same goes for me; only God can change me to how He wants me, and then I can be submissive to what He has me doing, after we mature more.
But I would say there are things which are simply evil and cruel and nasty, and we can not accept them > unforgiveness, bitterness, trying to dominate and control and use another person.
"Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." (Colossians 3:19)
So, from this, I see, never am I excused to get bitter and nasty against my lady friend. Plus,
I see in this a general principle for how to relate with anyone >
bitterness is never excused. So, as soon as I can tell I in myself that something starting to get me bitter, right away I need to stop and get God's correction.
Also . . . I did not mention arguing and complaining >
"Do all things without complaining and disputing," (in Philippians 2:13-16).
There is arguing and complaining which are anti-love; so they are never excused. And arguing can indeed be abuse. Abuse is never excused > raising my voice in order to force or scare someone into doing what I want, dictating how the person has to give me attention and go the way I want > it is written >
"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)
Trust God to use good example.
This fits with how I got with my lady friend. Before I met her, in prayer I was going through these scriptures and already practicing these things, just in case God would have me get married or get into a close sharing relation with someone.
And this did not have me ready for her, but it helped. Always, we can keep discovering more than we are ready to handle well; because we need to keep growing in Jesus and how to love, so we can learn how to deal with different things.
One basic, I would say is my experience, is it helps to be able to be submissive to God in His peace > Colossians 3:15 > so I have His personal guiding in this peace and so I can understand things the way His peace has me understanding things, and do not trust any conclusions, decisions, ways of seeing things, or feelings which are not in this peace.
So, when I get into a problem with her or anything, I do well to pray until I am inspired, even, how to understand something, the way I understand in His peace, and not how I see things during lusts or paranoia or bitterness or frustration or anxiety. Worry is a pathological lier, by the way > nothing in worry can be trusted. And not only is paranoia a pathological lier, but in paranoia I am imagining the wrong way to handle the imagined problem > criticizing and trying to control people, instead of caring in prayer and blessing the person with hope for the person > love
"hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7).
Therefore, worry and my kind of paranoia are anti-love; this is all I need to know, and get how only God is able to correct us. And my sweetie can call me out on this; while she may still have certain problems, God uses her to help me be more feeling for others.
This is something > in our close relationships, we are in a research laboratory so we can make breakthrough discoveries of how to love. And because Jesus has gotten us adopted to be God's own family, God does use us to help one another; I now understand and trust that even though God alone is able to do all which we really need in ourselves . . . in our character, yes . . . He includes us in His process, and He will not, therefore, have us succeeding without learning how to love with our various Jesus brothers and sisters, especially whomever He has prepared and chosen to be close to us.
So, I dare say that our Father does expect us to obey how He guides our relating and whom we choose to share with. This is not only about getting whoever we can use for things we desire; but God prepares the ones He uses to help us to be conformed to the image of Jesus while we learn with one another how to relate with God and how to love as family . . . so now we can minister this to others who already are our family, plus to ones we help to get adopted.