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Looking for the "Domestic Violence. Having issues, looking for solutions" thread?

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vle045

vle045

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Fish and Bread said:
Does the military have it's own counselors who are active-duty members of the armed forces? Maybe one of them would be more straight-forward and to the point, if they exist.
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Yes, they do. They also force people into rehab, etc. But the problem with that is - - when someone doesn't WANT to stop doing what they are doing and they don't WANT to do the work... they will not change.

My ex-was a Marine. I always thought that he chose to leave after 10 years. I found out after four years into the relationship that they forced him into drug rehab four times, they forced him to seek counselling, he was diagnosed as Narcissistic, which made TONS of sense in hindsight. He thought the rules were beneath him. After giving him many many chances to clean up his act, they kicked him out.

When he hit a rock bottom and entered rehab on his own, he handed me his military dismissal file. WOW! I realized that I really didn't know this man at all. And after interacting with him and his family for four years, and learning about their upbringing, I realized that he and his siblings didn't stand a chance in heck to function in normal siuations. They ALL had some level of narcissitic behaviour. They were not beaten or abused physically, but they were raised by an alcoholic father. That had a HUGE impact on all of them. They all learned to cope by taking a drink or popping pills. They all thought that they were better than your average person and required special treatment. Each of them behaved as though the world revolved around them. And anything that took time was just pointless. They all tried rehab, but they didn't want to do the work for long periods of time, so they all went back to what they were doing...

The difference between the life I had with him, and the life I have with a well-adjusted man is like night and day. I don't spend hours wondering when or if he will come home, or if he just dropped $500 for cocaine, or if he will cheat on me. My hubby would never do any of those things. He values his family and respects us.
 
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vle045

vle045

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You may also want to check and see if you may have some level of Narcicissm. That would explain delving into your upbrining.

The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.​
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I don't know you personally and am not a Therapist, although I did get a degree in Sociology and minored in Psychology. And some of the things that you said sound very similar to the sypmtoms listed.​

  • Feels grandiose and self-important ​
  • Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)​
  • Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply)​
  • Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favorable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations​
  • Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends​
  • Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others​
  • Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her​
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Not saying all of those describe you, but perhaps some elements of some of those things may suggest that there might be some sort of correlation.
 
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vle045

vle045

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Andoverpolo said:
I'm sorry about your experiences but I'm not your ex. I don't have those issues. Your other advice was helpful, I've got some decisions to make - so thanks.
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I didn't say you were my ex. Nor did I say you have those issues, but perhaps there might be something in it that does make sense for you.

But your general attitude stinks. If you can't change your attitude then it wouldn't suprise me if you never find a solution.

I think you are in need of the Psychiatric help you are getting, maybe with a different therapist until you find one you click with. I think your problems go far beyond what a general counselor can help with. The only problem is that those who need them most are often the most opposed to it.

People share their stories not to say that your situation is the SAME or that you have the SAME problem. They share them to hopefully help you to find a nugget that might help you. There may be an element of something that is the same that leads you in the right direction if you follow it. Or at the very least, sometimes, it might give you hope.

My ex was hopeless... he still is from what I know. He is hopeless because he will not do the work to change and he doesn't WANT to do the work. THAT is my main point. You have to do the work and you have to WANT to do the work. For him, he will likely kill himself with overdosing or drunk driving. I just hope no one else gets killed. He would drive while drunk and blackout. The last time I was around to witness it, his blood alcohol level was somewhere around .35 and he drove 30 minutes from the bar to the house. Now if you don't know much about blood alcohol levels, he was darn close to being comatose or dead. Not even THAT inspired him to do the work. He felt that he was above the rules and that he didn't have a problem.

Granted, that's alcoholism and narcissism and drug addiction. And you may not have ANY of those specific problems. But they require work, just like any other problem.

As Albert Einstein said, true insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Your constant dismissal of others experiences and your insistance that there must be an easier way for YOU that no one else could possibly have come up with is what made me think of narcissism. Sure, you may not have that specifically, but maybe there is some other related disorder that might be relevant for you.

I sincerely hope that the various people here have helped you to understand that it will take work and I hope that you WANT to do the work. Even if there is a pill that can help you, you will still have to do the work that goes along with it.

It's not like Strep Throat where you just take an antibiotic and it goes away in a few days.
 
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Assisi

Assisi

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Consider yourselves rosaried.:hug::hug:

And specially for Ben: a litany to St Joseph.

:crossrc:Lord, have mercy
Christ, have mercy
Lord, have mercy.
God our Father in heaven, have mercy on us.
God the Son, Redeemer of the world, have mercy on us.
God the Holy Spirit, have mercy on us.
Holy Trinity, one God, have mercy on us.
Holy Mary, pray for us.
St Joseph, pray for us.
Noble son of the House of David, pray for us.
Light of patriachs, pray for us.
Husband of the Mother of God, pray for us.
Guardian of the Virgin, pray for us.
Foster father of the Son of God, pray for us.
Faithful guardian of Christ, pray for us.
Head of the holy family, pray for us.
Joseph, chaste and just, pray for us.
Joseph, prudent and brave, pray for us.
Joseph, obedient and loyal, pray for us.
Pattern of patience, pray for us.
Lover of poverty, pray for us.
Model of workers, pray for us.
Example of parents, pray for us.
Guardian of virgins, pray for us.
Pillar of family life, pray for us.
Comfort of the troubled, pray for us.
Terror of evil spirits, pray for us.
Protector of the Church, pray for us.

Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, spare us O Lord.
Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, graciously hear us, O lord.
Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, grant us peace.

God made him master of His household,
And put him in charge of all that He owned.

Let us pray,
Almighty God, in your infinite wisdom and love you chose Joseph to be the husband of Mary, the mother of your Son.
As we enjoy his protection of earth may we have the help of his prayers in heaven.
We ask this through Christ our Lord,
Amen.:crossrc:
 
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