Long Engagement???

[DaveKerwin]

Out of curiousity dave, why were your friends engaged for a long time?

They wanted to wait for school/financial reasons. That is understandable, but I would never do it. I would rather have a low budget wedding and a clean conscience than a big deal wedding with free tiem and a worn conscience because of sexual immorality. I udnerstand everyone is different. But I will not act like I can wait for sex for an additional two years after beign engaged. My friend Mike is the one who was engaged for a long time. Last time I saw him, I pulled him aside and asked him how it was going. The look in his eye told me everything, namely how frustrating it was that they were not married yet.

Long engagements are the closest thing to hell for christians.

 

[YouthPastor]

I guess the question is Tractrack - is are either of you "fighting" the temptation to have sex?

I completely understandwaht dave is saying and agree with all that he has said - however, in your case you have not indicated anything about a burning desire/"fighting the tmeptation to have sex"

Some of that maybe due to the lack of time the two of you spend together - I think you said it is summer and christmas. - Just a a note - normally I would say that no one should get married under those conditions - howver you have known each other for like 6 years or so (been friends for 6+ years) and exept for the last year or so - you say each other on a more regular basis? Your's is not the typical long distance relationship.

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

My boyfriend and I are to the point where were certain we're going to get married. We've talked about it, thought about it, prayed about it and we're certain about it. We even have the date, June 24, 2006. 2006. Almost 3 years from now. What's the difference if we're dating for 2 more years then get engaged for the last? Or date for 1 then engaged for 2? We're already certain that we're going to get married. Even right now we're still sexually tempted. I don't understand how that would change.

 

[DaveKerwin]

My boyfriend and I are to the point where were certain we're going to get married. We've talked about it, thought about it, prayed about it and we're certain about it. We even have the date, June 24, 2006. 2006. Almost 3 years from now. What's the difference if we're dating for 2 more years then get engaged for the last? Or date for 1 then engaged for 2? We're already certain that we're going to get married. Even right now we're still sexually tempted. I don't understand how that would change.

Lizzie, it will change I guarantee it. It will get real old (waiting for sex) and you may find yourself in two years thinking "oh my gosh, and entire YEAR left, we almost lost it a year ago. This is going to be a long and difficult year."

It gets progressively more difficult as time passes, you will see.

 

[tractrack-online]

I guess the question is Tractrack - is are either of you "fighting" the temptation to have sex?

I completely understandwaht dave is saying and agree with all that he has said - however, in your case you have not indicated anything about a burning desire/"fighting the tmeptation to have sex"

Some of that maybe due to the lack of time the two of you spend together - I think you said it is summer and christmas. - Just a a note - normally I would say that no one should get married under those conditions - howver you have known each other for like 6 years or so (been friends for 6+ years) and exept for the last year or so - you say each other on a more regular basis? Your's is not the typical long distance relationship.

Yes you are correct about the long distance thing. WE do see each other for four months at a time during the summer and knew each other very well before dating. During the summers (and Christmas) I spend almost every evening at her house. We've talked a lot of serious matters through including our convictions dreams for the future, even how we would raise our children (if not affected by the other). I really feel I know more than enough to see that she is the one the Lord would have for me.

As for the "Burning desire"...
I can't say that there is none, but neither do I feel it is burning. I have made a conscious effort to keep the physical aspect slow and not make it about fulfilling my desires. Also, we drew the line before kissing. We will not kiss until our wedding day. I think this helps in stifling the physical desire that is only natural and God-given for satisfaction WITHIN MARRIAGE. It's not easy, but I would encourage other dating couples to make this same pledge to each other.

 

[PegasusOnFire]

My fiancee and I were separated through most of our engagement. Infact we have been engaged for a little over 20 months now, and we will have only spent four months before our November wedding seeing eachother every day, instead of a week or two every 6-20 months. I would not trade my engagement for anything. We were both able to grow in the Lord and we know what it is like to live with out one another, and I can honestly say that it was a terrible feeling, not being able to be near him. I can't see my life without him in it. We only went on one date before getting engaged, though we had known eachother for 8 years prior to that first date, the next week we were engaged. I think a two year engagement is not to long of a time.

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

It's Lizzi, not Lizzie

 

[DaveKerwin]

sorry Lizzi. Anyways, just think about it.

 

[FroZenDeSire]

I'd say how ever long it takes you to plan your wedding

 

[TheScottsMen]

I'm 22 and just finishing up my Theology degree. I met my wife during my 2'nd year of college (which was in computer science) at the time. She was from Brazil and in high school. I new from the moment I met her I would marry her. We dated for 3 months before she had to return back to Brazil. Before her returning I asked her to marry me, she said yes The next day she left. We didn't see each other for 3 months. We only were able to talk VERY little on the phone during that time. 3 Months later I flew to Brazil (RIO) and stayed with her family for 3 months. We then both returned to the USA and were married We were engaged for longer then we dated and we are doing wonderful! We will be married for 2 years on Nov 11. We have a 3 month old son who is the joy of our life. Currently though, my wife is back in Brazil seeing her parents (hasn't seen them for 2 years) and missing her like crazy, but college is keeping me busy!

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

I have thought about it. Really, I have. And I still don't see a difference. I'm serious about marrying Nathan now. Anything can happen, but I don't see that seriousness changing. I don't want to say in my eyes I view us as already engaged, but really, I do. Right now, I would marry him in a heartbeat. And I do struggle with a lot desire for him. A ring on my finger won't change that. So, I don't see what's wrong with a long engagement.

But I will say it depends from person to person. Everyone is different. So please accept that in my case, we're different.

 

[tractrack-online]

I'm 22 and just finishing up my Theology degree. I met my wife during my 2'nd year of college (which was in computer science) at the time. She was from Brazil and in high school. I new from the moment I met her I would marry her. We dated for 3 months before she had to return back to Brazil. Before her returning I asked her to marry me, she said yes The next day she left. We didn't see each other for 3 months. We only were able to talk VERY little on the phone during that time. 3 Months later I flew to Brazil (RIO) and stayed with her family for 3 months. We then both returned to the USA and were married We were engaged for longer then we dated and we are doing wonderful! We will be married for 2 years on Nov 11. We have a 3 month old son who is the joy of our life. Currently though, my wife is back in Brazil seeing her parents (hasn't seen them for 2 years) and missing her like crazy, but college is keeping me busy!

Scottsman,
Wow that's cool and really quick! I'm glad everything is working out for you. I'm sure you must miss your wife a lot. If I go ahead I'll be engaged longer than you knew your wife before you married her

I'm interested on your comments in another thread I started. Please check it out

http://www.christianforums.com/t56359

 

[LadyBird]

I'd say how ever long it takes you to plan your wedding

Agreed!

 

[desi]

The trick to marriage is working through life together, not getting together after working through life alone. By overcoming the difficulties in life your relationship will be stronger than marrying after all the struggle is done. If I were you I would marry her tomorrow. Asking her parents is a noble gesture, I should be so lucky when my daughters come of age.

 

[tractrack-online]

If it were up to me I would marry her tomorrow!

But that's not the Lord's timing. We've committed to waiting until we're out of school and that is very necessary bc she goes to school 500 miles away from where we live. The Lord has blessed both of us with intellect and to not get a degree would be a waste of the talents the Lord has blessed us with. I also believe it will make our first years of marriage that much sweeter bc we wont have to deal with school and homework (which neither of us enjoy).

We do work through things together though. We are very involved in each other's day to day lives and that is really what our dating relationship has been...not just going out places, but just accomplishing life's daily tasks together.

I encourage you to train your daughters in such a way that dating is really a family thing once they get to that age. I've gotten to know my girlfriend's parents and family well and it has blessed all of us and i think will make the transition from daughter to wife easier for her parents. In my case it also tested and developed (as well as showing my girlfriend)my handling of kids--she has 5 younger siblings. Having to ask for permission to date and building that family relationship even before you're family as part of dating is really a good test of commitment and motives for the guy.

 

[desi]

If it were up to me I would marry her tomorrow!

But that's not the Lord's timing. We've committed to waiting until we're out of school and that is very necessary bc she goes to school 500 miles away from where we live. The Lord has blessed both of us with intellect and to not get a degree would be a waste of the talents the Lord has blessed us with. I also believe it will make our first years of marriage that much sweeter bc we wont have to deal with school and homework (which neither of us enjoy).

We do work through things together though. We are very involved in each other's day to day lives and that is really what our dating relationship has been...not just going out places, but just accomplishing life's daily tasks together.

I encourage you to train your daughters in such a way that dating is really a family thing once they get to that age. I've gotten to know my girlfriend's parents and family well and it has blessed all of us and i think will make the transition from daughter to wife easier for her parents. In my case it also tested and developed (as well as showing my girlfriend)my handling of kids--she has 5 younger siblings. Having to ask for permission to date and building that family relationship even before you're family as part of dating is really a good test of commitment and motives for the guy.

If God is leading you to do things this way then by all means proceed. Thanks for the tips for my daughters, I'll do it. Thankfully my wife and I agree about raising our children according to relatively strict Christian standards such as the ones you follow.

 

[tractrack-online]

Thanks for the tips for my daughters, I'll do it. Thankfully my wife and I agree about raising our children according to relatively strict Christian standards such as the ones you follow.

Praise the Lord! Obviously I'm still pretty young so "parental" sounding advice seems weitd for me to give, but having been through dating a girl from a very strict home, I can say it's been good for me and for us, especially since we're not always together. It hasn't always been easy, but the devotion and respect that has been built between my girlfriend and myself is a wonderful blessing.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your wife too. Would you mind taking a look at this other thread that I posted?

http://www.christianforums.com/t56359

God bless!

 

[DaveKerwin]

I have thought about it. Really, I have. And I still don't see a difference.

Could you address sexual immorality?

Did you know that the majority of christians do not wait to have sex (of any kind) before their wedding night? I would venture to say the VAST Majority do not wait for sex, that is sad. The reason is because while we are believers, we are still human and we still have very strong desires for sex.

You say you are ready to marry him now. It is natural for a woman to want to give herself to the man she wants to marry. I have experienced this. This may sound wierd, but if I really wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, I could probably make that happen. She is ready for me, ready to give herself. I have not made any marriage committments at this time. As soon as I am ready, trust me, it will be short, because I realize the danger of two horny people spending time together.

Maybe I have a rediculous sex drive, or I am too romantic, I do not know. But I will be straight with everyong, not having sex is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Nothing has felt more natural and good to do that I have resisted doing. If I get engaged for two years, I pretty much know for certain that I will stumble, so I might as well start having sex now. I obviously am not going to do that. Instead I will have a short engagement.

I know everyone is different. But remember we all are sexual creatures and we all have similar desires. Don't over estimate yourself with your ability to wait, it is not just a discipline thing. Any chrisitan can stumble with this. I typed all this because it seemed to me like you had not addressed the sexual side of it, maybe you don't want to share, thats fine. But please think again before you are so certain about a long engagement. With people who never see each other, it makes more sense. But I see my girlfriend all the time, and I would seriously go insane if my engagement was over a year.

 

[Matthew Hobbs]

Leaving aside the issue of temptation for now -

Some background. My wife and I met in college - beginning of my junior year, her sophomore year. By the end of my senior year, I knew I wanted to marry her, but she had another year of college left. In November, right after she started her senior year, I moved across the country. She was in school in South Carolina, I was in Washington state. We saw each other every couple of months. The following May, before her graduation, I called her parents and asked for their permission. When I flew out for her graduation, her dad pulled me aside and gave me my wife's great-grandmother's diamond. I returned to Seattle, had it set, and my wife came to visit me that summer. I proposed on July 2nd. She flew back home (living with her parents for a year after college while she worked), and began to plan the wedding. We were married June 16th in Virginia, where our families live.

The engagement was too long! By the time the wedding was drawing close, we were both going crazy. It should have been a quick six-months, put something together for Christmas, and been done with.

Engagements are different nowadays - they aren't a "trial period" to see if you really want to marry this person. By the time that question is asked, the ring bought, whatever - most people know the answer. Take the time to plan the wedding that will make you and your fiancee happy, then execute it. Start your life together!

 

[tractrack-online]

Could you address sexual immorality?

Did you know that the majority of christians do not wait to have sex (of any kind) before their wedding night? I would venture to say the VAST Majority do not wait for sex, that is sad. The reason is because while we are believers, we are still human and we still have very strong desires for sex.

You say you are ready to marry him now. It is natural for a woman to want to give herself to the man she wants to marry. I have experienced this. This may sound wierd, but if I really wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, I could probably make that happen. She is ready for me, ready to give herself. I have not made any marriage committments at this time. As soon as I am ready, trust me, it will be short, because I realize the danger of two horny people spending time together.

Maybe I have a rediculous sex drive, or I am too romantic, I do not know. But I will be straight with everyong, not having sex is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Nothing has felt more natural and good to do that I have resisted doing. If I get engaged for two years, I pretty much know for certain that I will stumble, so I might as well start having sex now. I obviously am not going to do that. Instead I will have a short engagement.

I know everyone is different. But remember we all are sexual creatures and we all have similar desires. Don't over estimate yourself with your ability to wait, it is not just a discipline thing. Any chrisitan can stumble with this. I typed all this because it seemed to me like you had not addressed the sexual side of it, maybe you don't want to share, thats fine. But please think again before you are so certain about a long engagement. With people who never see each other, it makes more sense. But I see my girlfriend all the time, and I would seriously go insane if my engagement was over a year.

Very good points Dave. We are created as sexual beings and many times Christians deny this. I think there are a couple things that young people should do early on in a relationship that is becoming more than just a casual friendship (call it dating, courting, being exclusive, whatever

1. Draw a line that you will stick to until your wedding day! Do not move this line or rationlize it away. Where this line is has to be based on an honest examination of oneself and how susceptible you are to physical touch get out of hand in a relationship. Once you draw this line tell others that will be around the two of you (esp parents).

2. Guys--date a girl who dresses very modestly (this doesn't mean skirts all the time or no pants or shorts, just practical modesty). Guys you know what attracts your eyes to the wrong things or starts your mind down the wrong path. Don't date a girl that dresses to attract you in this way. If you already are ask her if she could change how she dresses (do it gently and explain it's really your problem, but if she really loves you she will make this change).

Girls--Dress modestly! Talk to any guy Christian or not and he will tell you that the eyegate is a difficult temptation. help your Christian brothers stay strong and develop a relationship based on inner beauty and common devotion to God, not physical desire. (Yes outer beauty is important too, but beautiful and sensual are two different things--stay beautiful but far away from sensual)

3. Most importantly make God the center of your relationship. God and sin don't mix. If you get to a point of temptation, start praying together or quoting scripture "Flee the devil" "Thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee" Help each other in this-- you can tell when the other is "making a move" (for lack of a better term) At that point it's your responsibility to turn to the Lord. Thank Him for the your relationship and ask for his help for both of you.

Those are just some suggestions of ways to build a relationship that will stifle some of the temptation--not all of it. You still have to know your limits. Everyone is different and every relationship is different. If you have even the slightest doubt that moving the relationship forward--whether that be engagement, single dating, or just the amount of time you spend together--will cause more temptation and could result in premarital sex of any kind. Don't do it until you are able to marry shortly thereafter.

Dave, in your case I agree you probably shouldn't get engaged for a long time. I will only see my girlfriend for 4months next summer and then 6 months before we would get married. Between each of those time periods, we would be apart for a semester of school.

I think it comes down to a personal decision and personal examination. Getting Christian counsel from mature Christians would be a good idea too!

Wow! That was a long post! I hope it is helpful!
God Bless!