Learning to "take" teasing

[LovebirdsFlying]

Is it too late for me, at 44 years old, to grow a thicker skin? I've been advised to do that since I was in kindergarten, but so far the only way I can protect my thin skin is to have a hard outer shell. I just don't take teasing very well, as I can't for the life of me tell harmless teasing apart from vicious, malicious verbal abuse. Too many times, someone has been absolutely cruel and then self-justified with, "I was only teasing. You have no sense of humor."

But if I'm going to be out there in the big, bad, scary world....

Even online, people have given me the counsel that if I can't take the heat, I should avoid the kitchen. Well, if I must isolate to be safe from verbal abuse, I have traditionally been only too happy to do that. I spent nearly my entire childhood and adolescence alone in my room, much to the chagrin of the adults in my life. When I'm by myself, no one is flinging verbal poison darts at me, and calling it teasing. But then I get so lonely, and I need company. So, like a turtle, I venture out of my shell--and right back in again if I get teased.

And worse than teasing is the genuinely mean-spirited attack. Not simply annoying this turtle with a feather and laughing when it retreats--but actually pounding on its shell with a concrete block.

I think I'm comfortable enough here at CF, and particularly at WWMC, that if one of you were to tease me, I'd know it's a feather, not a concrete block. And I'd probably spit on the feather and hand it back. But there are other times I can't tell the difference.

Does having a shell qualify as having a thick skin? Do I need to stay in it all the time?

 

[Loki]

I used to be terribly, painfully shy and self-conscious. I was different physically, mentally, horribly awkward socially. And people of various ages, not just stupid, cruel kids, have harassed me for thing over which I have absolutely control. And I was lonely for many years.

But there's some quote to the effect of "If those so concerned about what others think of them, knew how seldom others think of them, they'd not worry about it so much." I figured that it was a bit ego-centric to assume that people would spend time trying to figure out how to make me miserable, or that they cared enough about me to try to insult and hurt, even though they did insult and hurt.

So if they don't care enough, if it's boredom or flippant comments, then the object of the cruelty shouldn't care. Why allow them to ruin your life?

 

[Catherineanne]

Does having a shell qualify as having a thick skin? Do I need to stay in it all the time?

I think the best rule to follow is that if it feels like abuse, and hurts like abuse, then it is abuse. The fact that the perpetrator denies it, and accuses you of not being able to take a joke, only compounds the felony.

I suspect that you have problems with relationships, and in particular have had many which have been abusive. When this happens over an extended period, the person will tend to lose faith in their own boundaries, and become unsure of what is abuse and what is not.

You do not need to grow a thicker skin. What you need to do (imho) is to tune into your intuition, which is doing a fine job of telling you what is going on, but which you then do not trust, because you get messages saying that your intuition is wrong, or oversensitive, or whatever. Actually, it is very likely that it is undersensitive, and that you put up with a lot more damaging behaviour from those around you than is healthy. So people get used to treating you badly, and then when you do eventually complain they feel hard done by, because their convenient doormat is starting to answer back.

One way of not caring so much is to imagine a wall around yourself, made of light, which their anger cannot get through. On the inside, you are entitled to think and feel whatever you like, without answering to anyone else. And you do not have to get sucked into a discussion of those feelings, or change them for anyone. If you are presented with suggestions that you are somehow out of line, just answer something non committal, such as, 'do you think so?' or 'what an interesting point of view'. That way there is no argument, but you have not shifted away from your own position.

 

[Catherineanne]

I figured that it was a bit ego-centric to assume that people would spend time trying to figure out how to make me miserable, or that they cared enough about me to try to insult and hurt, even though they did insult and hurt.

So if they don't care enough, if it's boredom or flippant comments, then the object of the cruelty shouldn't care. Why allow them to ruin your life?

This is a good attempt to rationalise away the abuse, but one which incidentally assimilates the ego centricism from the abuser to the victim, which is interesting, but it misses an important point. Those who go around making other people's lives a misery are not focussed on the others, but on themselves. They get gratification out of making others feel small, because it then makes them feel big; they feed off the emotional response like vampires. The only way to deal with it is to stop caring what they say, and retain an inner integrity, regardless of the put downs. Easy to say, very difficult to achieve. But even if they hurt you, if you are able to be non committal, so that they do not see what they have done, they cannot feed from it, so they will look for a better target.

It is not at all ego centric to recognise this kind of behaviour. On the contrary, it is an essential component of ego protection, because such people exist, practically everywhere.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I think the best rule to follow is that if it feels like abuse, and hurts like abuse, then it is abuse. The fact that the perpetrator denies it, and accuses you of not being able to take a joke, only compounds the felony.

But what if the joke is really a light joke but the person because of years of abuses doesn't know that? Is that still abuse or is that the person seeing everything light or heavy through the filter of their personal experience?

LBF, I don't have any advice on this I hope that you can someday come to a place of healing and overcome you past.

 

[Catherineanne]

But what if the joke is really a light joke but the person because of years of abuses doesn't know that? Is that still abuse or is that the person seeing everything light or heavy through the filter of their personal experience?

LBF, I don't have any advice on this I hope that you can someday come to a place of healing and overcome you past.

There are bad days when everything feels personal, but usually you know that as you get out of bed, and the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and then you can make allowances.

But all other things being equal, and it being a normal kind of day, that which is meant gently will feel gentle, and that which feels cruel most probably is cruel, imo.

 

[DeanM]

Hi LBF!

Good questions!

Here's a bit of advice I learned from a fellow piano teacher. Whenever she heard words that were not "becoming of little angels," she had a great response.

"Escuse me?"

She'd bellow these words, sometimes at the top of her lungs.

You've never seen somebody recant so quickly in your life! These little words do an awesome job. The force the offender into having to either defend their words or recant.

Now, the "Just teasing" excuse is like lying and then saying you were kidding.

If that's the best defense anyone can offer, they're in big trouble.

"Do I look like I want to be teased?" is the perfect reply. Again, a loud voice carries a lot of weight at this moment.

People will get the hang of this pretty quickly. If they tease you (or verbally abuse you), they will get sick of you calling them on it really quickly.

Please, try it out!

And don't be afraid to raise your voice!!!

Also, we love you LBF! I hope nobody here is giving you any grief!

Your a wonderful gal~

 

[mathildapaws]

When people say nasty things to you, do you worry that they might be right? Or perhaps feel that you've done something to deserve what they say? In my experience that is when teasing hurts.

Next time it happens, look at the person teasing you and think to yourself "this is not my fault, it's all about the person doing the teasing."

 

[Catherineanne]

When people say nasty things to you, do you worry that they might be right? Or perhaps feel that you've done something to deserve what they say? In my experience that is when teasing hurts.

Next time it happens, look at the person teasing you and think to yourself "this is not my fault, it's all about the person doing the teasing."

Hiya Matty

I think you are right, what anyone says is often more about them than about the person they are commenting on.

Even if you have done something to inadvertantly hurt another person, they are not entitled to be nasty in return.

Nobody deserves to be verbally abused.

 

[Loki]

This is a good attempt to rationalise away the abuse, but one which incidentally assimilates the ego centricism from the abuser to the victim, which is interesting, but it misses an important point. Those who go around making other people's lives a misery are not focussed on the others, but on themselves. They get gratification out of making others feel small, because it then makes them feel big; they feed off the emotional response like vampires. The only way to deal with it is to stop caring what they say, and retain an inner integrity, regardless of the put downs. Easy to say, very difficult to achieve. But even if they hurt you, if you are able to be non committal, so that they do not see what they have done, they cannot feed from it, so they will look for a better target.

It is not at all ego centric to recognise this kind of behaviour. On the contrary, it is an essential component of ego protection, because such people exist, practically everywhere.

It's egocentric to assume all such behavior is done with the explicit intent of destroying the target. Most people really don't care that much, and even if they do, what good does it do to dwell on it? Wrongs go unavenged constantly, and the best we can do is to live our lives and reject nasty things people do to us.

And if it really is just teasing and the person takes it to heart constantly, then that is egocentrism and that will change a person. Which isn't ideal.

 

[redheadmt]

But there's some quote to the effect of "If those so concerned about what others think of them, knew how seldom others think of them, they'd not worry about it so much." I figured that it was a bit ego-centric to assume that people would spend time trying to figure out how to make me miserable, or that they cared enough about me to try to insult and hurt, even though they did insult and hurt.

So if they don't care enough, if it's boredom or flippant comments, then the object of the cruelty shouldn't care. Why allow them to ruin your life?

I was trying to put this idea into words and you saved me the trouble!

My feelings are very vulnerable with my family and friends, and luckily for me they love me and don't want to hurt me. As for other people, I try not to put too much stock into anything hurtful that they might say about me.

 

[Izdaari Eristikon]

I think this is all good advice so far. But I'll go one step farther. I'll recommend a book: Approval Addiction, by Joyce Meyer.

And I'll recommend Joyce Meyer herself as a preacher well worth listening to, especially by people who can use practical advice in their Christian walks... and isn't that nearly all of us? I've gotten plenty that's helped me from her messages.

Never mind that she's of Word of Faith persuasion, which I personally don't agree with (mostly... IMHO they're wrong about a lot, but not about everything). She's one of the most reasonable of the WoF crowd, and it isn't something that makes a great deal of difference to most of her messages.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Also, we love you LBF! I hope nobody here is giving you any grief!

Your a wonderful gal~

No, nobody at all in WWMC, and whatever problems I'm having elsewhere on CF are being worked out. I venture other places online, and I find that when people aren't being moderated as much and don't care what they say, they can be very cruel. I need to try to stay away from those places.

And we love you too! I hope you're OK. Let us know ASAP!!!

When people say nasty things to you, do you worry that they might be right? Or perhaps feel that you've done something to deserve what they say? In my experience that is when teasing hurts.

Next time it happens, look at the person teasing you and think to yourself "this is not my fault, it's all about the person doing the teasing."

That's excellent advice. Although my self-esteem has improved a lot, it's obviously still not where it should be if somebody's adolescent behavior is going to hurt my feelings. For example, if I say something online that someone disagrees with, they might then go to my profile, look at my picture, and come back with a statement about how fat I am. Pure playground behavior, that stuff. And when they don't screen out obscenities like they do here, you can bet I'll be sworn at as well.

Hiya Matty

I think you are right, what anyone says is often more about them than about the person they are commenting on.

Even if you have done something to inadvertantly hurt another person, they are not entitled to be nasty in return.

Nobody deserves to be verbally abused.

Reminds me of my first husband. If I said something that rubbed him the wrong way, for whatever reason, he would search his mind for something he knew would hurt, and say it. Then his rationale would be that I hurt him first. It took me a while to teach him that just because someone accidentally hurts him, is no reason to hurt that person back on purpose. It seems to me that this is a lesson one should have learned in kindergarten.

I think this is all good advice so far. But I'll go one step farther. I'll recommend a book: Approval Addiction, by Joyce Meyer.

I will *definitely* get that book. I don't go for WoF either, but Joyce Meyer makes a lot of sense as a preacher and teacher.

 

[Catherineanne]

It's egocentric to assume all such behavior is done with the explicit intent of destroying the target. Most people really don't care that much, and even if they do, what good does it do to dwell on it? Wrongs go unavenged constantly, and the best we can do is to live our lives and reject nasty things people do to us.

And if it really is just teasing and the person takes it to heart constantly, then that is egocentrism and that will change a person. Which isn't ideal.

I am sorry, but I think you are missing something. First of all, we are all egocentric, and for a good reason. We would curl up and die if we were not.

Second, this is not about destroying the other, but about inflating the self. Sociopaths do what they do to make themselves feel bigger, because they actually have very fragile egos. It is never about the other person, because the other person does not exist; they are an object to be used, and discarded, like an old pencil. They have no more reality than that.

No country on earth has a ministry of attack. It is all about defence.

We cannot change anyone else, and it is senseless to try. But we can learn to identify pathological behaviour, and walk away from it. People who have been used to this kind of treatment from an early age will think it normal, and tolerate far too much. It is about learning what you are entitled to, and then making sure you get it. This is not wrong, or egocentric in an inappropriate way. It is healthy behaviour.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I meant for this to be its own thread. I didn't realize I was still on this one.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

I have always been an extremely sensitive person, so while things may not openly 'get to me' inside they tear me apart.

For two years, it was a running joke for my dad to make fun of me for my klutziness and stumbling...during that two years, I knew I had been diagnosed with MS, which is why I was such a klutz...

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I have always been an extremely sensitive person, so while things may not openly 'get to me' inside they tear me apart.

For two years, it was a running joke for my dad to make fun of me for my klutziness and stumbling...during that two years, I knew I had been diagnosed with MS, which is why I was such a klutz...

That's mean.... and I'll confess that for a split second it entered my mind to capitalize on "running" joke, in conjunction with "klutziness," figuring that here in WWMC, it's all safe, light-hearted teasing--but I thought it would be mean of me too, and I didn't want to be taken wrong.

(I was in a car accident and am also disabled.)

 

[Catherineanne]

I have always been an extremely sensitive person, so while things may not openly 'get to me' inside they tear me apart.

For two years, it was a running joke for my dad to make fun of me for my klutziness and stumbling...during that two years, I knew I had been diagnosed with MS, which is why I was such a klutz...

Lord have mercy!

 

[Mling]

I have always been an extremely sensitive person, so while things may not openly 'get to me' inside they tear me apart.

For two years, it was a running joke for my dad to make fun of me for my klutziness and stumbling...during that two years, I knew I had been diagnosed with MS, which is why I was such a klutz...

Did *he* know that?

 

[EbonNelumbo]

He didn't for the majority of the time. Since then, he still laughs, but doesn't actually say what's on his mind.

I realize he didn't know, but I didn't want to tell him--I hadn't come to terms with it myself.