judgment of ex-boyfriend toward my sexual past/purity

[Ravillante]

Thank you for correcting me on that, I apologise for not getting that part right. Still, though - you slept together within six months, which is going to trigger that same insecurity that I mentioned before. The best advice I have is the same - be sanctified, and built up a good characteristic in this part of your life. When you're ready to date again, date men without sleeping with them, so you can have evidence in your life that the past is past. Then guys will have more of a reason to believe you when you tell them that this is so.

I agree with you. And I will take time off dating to ponder on this / connect with God and myself / the values I want to represent in my life.
However, I find it maddening that I, as the woman, is solely held responsible for the fact that I slept with him. Last I checked, this Christian guy decided and tried to have sex with me. He was actually the one to initiate it (multiple times before it actually happened) - so he should not have this 'holier than thou' attitude when he is doing exactly the same as me. I trusted him, and I was naive to believe that a Christian man would have different intentions from a non-Christian man.

 

[Sketcher]

I agree with you. And I will take time off dating to ponder on this / connect with God and myself / the values I want to represent in my life.
However, I find it maddening that I, as the woman, is solely held responsible for the fact that I slept with him. Last I checked, this Christian guy decided and tried to have sex with me. He was actually the one to initiate it (multiple times before it actually happened) - so he should not have this 'holier than thou' attitude when he is doing exactly the same as me. I trusted him, and I was naive to believe that a Christian man would have different intentions from a non-Christian man.

Yes, he was wrong to do that, I make no excuses for him. What is fairly common among males though, is measuring the overall challenge of that as a means of evaluating the woman in question, and also themselves. You get more credit for not being as easy to get in the sack with, even when dealing with a guy who is trying to get in the sack with you. A succinct way this is put is, a lock that easily opens is a bad lock, but a key that can get into any lock is a master key. Not justifying it, just explaining the mindset which worldly guys I talk to have.

You can't control any of what they're thinking or what they're trying to do. What you can control is how you respond to it. If you become a good lock so to speak, more men overall will respect you, especially mature and godly men who value abstinence and prioritize it. There will be some that won't be able to deal with your past at all, but for those who can put it behind them, they need to see that you have become a much better lock, and a better bet for them long-term. Since that's the kind of guy that you want, that's the best chance to get him.

 

[Ronit]

Hi,

My ex boyfriend and I were together for 6 months. We are both in our late 20s, both Christians and have had relationships and slept with other people before. We also had sex with each other. He has now dumped me because I told him that I had more sexual partners in the past than he did. He had about 4, and I've had 14. I had one serious relationship and the other sexual partners were casual partners. After the serious relationship before him, I felt very alone, sad and vulnerable and I had casual sex once because I longed for that feeling of connection in the moment - but regretted it afterwards. I am a very romantic sensitive woman and I had quite strong feelings the majority of these men, but they rejected me for a serious relationship, so it ended up being a casual relationship. I have probably had intimacy too early with these men because I didn't love myself enough and was looking for love and acceptance by sleeping with them, but I also enjoy sex, so it is not like I have done it against my will. If I were to do it again I would not have sex with so many men, because I realise I am worth more than that.

My ex boyfriend told me that he does not want to end up with a woman who has been "easy to get into bed" for other men, it hurts his ego and his pride, and he wants to feel like he had to put in a lot of effort for a woman to get her to sleep with him. He wants a "catch" that no other dog (man) has 'sniffed' (his words). It makes me feel so incredibly sad that he is judging me like this. I loved and admired him so much and for me the past was the past; I was super excited to have a future, a marriage and a life with him, for me he was the one, the best match and guy for me and I wish I had met him earlier in my life. Now it makes me feel like I am dirty, not good enough, not pure enough, not Godly enough, not womanly enough - according to his standards. He implies that he is entitled to a 'better' woman who is 'harder to get' - as if my value is lower in his eyes because of my past.

How do I get past this heartbreak, this feeling of not being good enough, this feeling of not being loved, of being 'dirty' and ruined by my past mistakes?
I feel like my romantic past was already really difficult for me. I had a difficult past as a child, and as a young woman I have felt used sexually by guys and it hurt so much that I gave my body and then they ended up not wanting to commit. I have come a long way with learning to love myself and not needing validation from men, and it is getting better now.

Maybe I have not had strong enough boundaries and I didn't see the importance of abstaining from sex when I was younger - now I do, but I still enjoy sex and mainly the feeling of intimacy it provides, which is why I also enjoyed the intimacy with him.

Any advice / wise words of how to let go of this man, whose opinion has impacted and hurt me profoundly? How to let go of shame and be a renewed woman of God and let the past behind, and find a guy who won't hold my past against me but love me as I am?

Trust The Lord, he Forgives you. If your boyfriend keeps bringing up the past in such a cavalier way, then maybe he is not for you? Or maybe he is suffering from Pride issues. You will have to ask the Lord for clarity on that one. If you want to let go of this man they you just have to do it. Don't linger in this. Keep Praying the Lord will direct your steps.
I hope this was helpful.
Blessings Ronit
P.S. I understand, I went through something similar to you and let me tell you that You have to surrender it all to The Lord and He is faithful to Cleanse and restore you. He did it for me!

 

[ewq1938]

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[Elykae]

If your boyfriend is judging you for your past which are things you cannot change then I think perhaps, in my opinion, you are better off without him. Everyone deserves to be with someone who will accept them as they are, flaws and all.