judgment of ex-boyfriend toward my sexual past/purity

[Ravillante]

Hi,

My ex boyfriend and I were dating/together for 6 months. We are both in our late 20s, both Christians and have had relationships and slept with other people before. We also had sex with each other. He got unsure about our 'relationship' when I told him that I had more sexual partners in the past than he did. I had one serious relationship and the other sexual partners were casual partners. Before I met him I had casual sex once because I longed for that feeling of connection in the moment - but regretted it afterwards. I am a very romantic sensitive woman and I had quite strong feelings the majority of these men, but they rejected me for a serious relationship, so it ended up being a casual relationship. I have probably had intimacy too early with these men because I didn't love myself enough and was looking for love and acceptance by sleeping with them, but I also enjoy sex, so it is not like I have done it against my will. If I were to do it again I would not have sex with so many men, because I realise I am worth more than that.

My ex boyfriend told me that he does not want to end up with a woman who has been "easy to get into bed" for other men, it hurts his ego and his pride, and he wants to feel like he had to put in a lot of effort for a woman to get her to sleep with him. He wants a "catch" that no other dog (man) has 'sniffed' (his words). It makes me feel so incredibly sad that he is judging me like this. I liked and admired him so much and for me the past was the past; I was super excited to have a future, a marriage and a life with him, for me he was the one, the best match and guy for me and I wish I had met him earlier in my life. Now it makes me feel like I am dirty, not good enough, not pure enough, not Godly enough, not womanly enough - according to his standards. He implies that he is entitled to a 'better' woman who is 'harder to get' - as if my value is lower in his eyes because of my past.

How do I get past this heartbreak, this feeling of not being good enough, this feeling of not being loved, of being 'dirty' and ruined by my past mistakes?
I feel like my romantic past was already really difficult for me. I had a difficult past as a child, and as a young woman I have felt used sexually by guys and it hurt so much that I gave my body and then they ended up not wanting to commit. I have come a long way with learning to love myself and not needing validation from men, and it is getting better now.

Maybe I have not had strong enough boundaries and I didn't see the importance of abstaining from sex when I was younger - now I do, but I still enjoy sex and mainly the feeling of intimacy it provides, which is why I also enjoyed the intimacy with him.

Any advice / wise words of how to let go of this man, whose opinion has impacted and hurt me profoundly? How to let go of shame and be a renewed woman of God and let the past behind, and find a guy who won't hold my past against me but love me as I am?

 

[Goodhuman]

You must repent and God will forgive you. It is wrong to sleep with more than one man in your life.

 

[Lost4words]

We are all human, weak, flesh.

You have admitted your past errors.

Jesus came to save sinners. Hopefully you have talked to Jesus about your past and sought forgiveness.

Put it all behind you. Be strong. Dont worry. God loves you and the right guy will come along who will accept your past and help you achieve a future filled with the love of God.

God bless you and protect you..

 

[ReesePiece23]

I'm sanctimonious and self righteous - and I'm here to tell you that you're a very sinful person.

Only joking.

No, you're an infinite being crafted by an awesome creator - everything you need can be drawn from within, you don't need to have your worth validated by men. In a universe with a diameter of 93 BILLION lightyears containing trillions and trillions of galaxies, God only made ONE of you.

Two for the best realtionships you will EVER have:

- The one you have with God
- The one you have with yourself

The rest trail behind by a fair few miles, trust me.

 

[Aussie Pete]

Hi,

My ex boyfriend and I were together for 6 months. We are both in our late 20s, both Christians and have had relationships and slept with other people before. We also had sex with each other. He has now dumped me because I told him that I had more sexual partners in the past than he did. He had about 4, and I've had 14. I had one serious relationship and the other sexual partners were casual partners. After the serious relationship before him, I felt very alone, sad and vulnerable and I had casual sex once because I longed for that feeling of connection in the moment - but regretted it afterwards. I am a very romantic sensitive woman and I had quite strong feelings the majority of these men, but they rejected me for a serious relationship, so it ended up being a casual relationship. I have probably had intimacy too early with these men because I didn't love myself enough and was looking for love and acceptance by sleeping with them, but I also enjoy sex, so it is not like I have done it against my will. If I were to do it again I would not have sex with so many men, because I realise I am worth more than that.

My ex boyfriend told me that he does not want to end up with a woman who has been "easy to get into bed" for other men, it hurts his ego and his pride, and he wants to feel like he had to put in a lot of effort for a woman to get her to sleep with him. He wants a "catch" that no other dog (man) has 'sniffed' (his words). It makes me feel so incredibly sad that he is judging me like this. I loved and admired him so much and for me the past was the past; I was super excited to have a future, a marriage and a life with him, for me he was the one, the best match and guy for me and I wish I had met him earlier in my life. Now it makes me feel like I am dirty, not good enough, not pure enough, not Godly enough, not womanly enough - according to his standards. He implies that he is entitled to a 'better' woman who is 'harder to get' - as if my value is lower in his eyes because of my past.

How do I get past this heartbreak, this feeling of not being good enough, this feeling of not being loved, of being 'dirty' and ruined by my past mistakes?
I feel like my romantic past was already really difficult for me. I had a difficult past as a child, and as a young woman I have felt used sexually by guys and it hurt so much that I gave my body and then they ended up not wanting to commit. I have come a long way with learning to love myself and not needing validation from men, and it is getting better now.

Maybe I have not had strong enough boundaries and I didn't see the importance of abstaining from sex when I was younger - now I do, but I still enjoy sex and mainly the feeling of intimacy it provides, which is why I also enjoyed the intimacy with him.

Any advice / wise words of how to let go of this man, whose opinion has impacted and hurt me profoundly? How to let go of shame and be a renewed woman of God and let the past behind, and find a guy who won't hold my past against me but love me as I am?

You are living proof of why the Bible tells us to flee fornication. God hates sin because of what it does to us, not just because it offends His holiness. However, there is hope. You certainly not the only one who has fallen for Satan's lies. You need to know that God loves you no matter what you have done. And sin is sin. Men are inclined to be utter hypocrites when it comes to sex. If a man beds a woman, he is a stud. The woman is treated with contempt. I won't say any more as it is not edifying.

You need to get into God's clean up program. First, you acknowledge that you have sinned. No excuses. Wrong. Next, thank God that the precious blood of Christ pays for your sins, no matter how many and how dark they seem to you. God will remove your sin from your record and it will be, in His eyes, as if it never happened. When God forgives, He forgets. That means not dredging up the past yourself and rehearsing it over and over until you are depressed.

You need to forgive those who have used and abused you, and yourself for allowing to happen. That is impossible for most people. However, it is possible in God. The link leads to the best article on forgiveness that I've ever read. Let the Lord take you through it so you can be healed.

Can you forgive from your heart? - Christian Life Frankston

 

[BrotherD]

Any advice / wise words of how to let go of this man, whose opinion has impacted and hurt me profoundly? How to let go of shame and be a renewed woman of God and let the past behind, and find a guy who won't hold my past against me but love me as I am?

The first thing we must do sister is realize the love Christ has for us. When we contemplate the love of Jesus and reflect on what he paid to save us from the fleshy desires on then we will be able to put away the hurt and pain. I often think on this scripture:

1 John 4:19 KJV — We love him, because he first loved us.

When we realize how much he loves us, we will do all we can to please him.

Once we love Christ, then we will have the power to love ourselves. I pray for you, sister, to truly manifest that love in your heart. He has forgiven you of your past, will you accept and believe that he do.

 

[GospelS]

I have come a long way with learning to love myself and not needing validation from men, and it is getting better now.

Any advice / wise words of how to let go of this man, whose opinion has impacted and hurt me profoundly? How to let go of shame and be a renewed woman of God and let the past behind, and find a guy who won't hold my past against me but love me as I am?

God is already at work in you. I see a great testimony and miracle in progress. Just keep walking in that newness and be patient. You will come through purified like gold.

 

[ReesePiece23]

[STAFF EDITED DELETED QUOTE]


I'm not the best with numbers, but I reckon the OP's post is somewhere in the neighbourhood of 600 and 650 words - so, from judging that, I'd say that the work is very much underway.

I made a little joke at the start of my post in the hope that it would make people stop and think, and maybe employ a bit of tact. This isn't a courtroom, God's kingdom is a place of sanctuary - a place we can go to, and be taken care of like children. Guilt will only make God seem less approachable, it may even deepen the sin - if not encourage it further.

I don't care about the ex's - all they're going to be is a meal ticket to something better, because this experience WILL draw her closer to God, and deeper into a life rife with self-respect. Sin is critical to a deeper understanding. Avoiding it is worse than committing it.

 

[bèlla]

He has now dumped me because I told him that I had more sexual partners in the past than he did. He had about 4, and I've had 14.

You have acknowledged your behavior and the errors in judgment you made in the past. Both are necessary for growth and repentance. Your ability to admit you’re wrong is a mark of maturity. Don’t despise it.

Now its time to repair your self-esteem and develop a healthy outlook about your worthiness as a woman and God’s creation. You can’t change what’s taken place. But you can minimize the likelihood of future hurt by exercising discrimination in your choices. Since you’ve struggled in this area it would be useful to have wise women in your corner. A mixture of single and married ladies who exhibit godliness and grace is ideal. They’ll provide the balance you’ve lacked.

I encourage you to undertake a one year study on biblical womanhood. I’ll provide a list of resources for your benefit. You must nurture your beauty and embrace it wholeheartedly. That includes developing healthy boundaries with suitors which honors your loveliness. You can’t compromise your dignity for momentary pleasure or permit yourself to be used or debased anymore. You must temper your emotions and urges.

My ex boyfriend told me that he does not want to end up with a woman who has been "easy to get into bed" for other men, it hurts his ego and his pride, and he wants to feel like he had to put in a lot of effort for a woman to get her to sleep with him. He wants a "catch" that no other dog (man) has 'sniffed' (his words).

What he’s conveying beneath the sentiment is a greater desire for someone who resists his advances and holds him to a higher standard of conduct. It was difficult to hear but it may be a blessing in disguise. We determine how others will treat us. It is unwise to give men unrestricted latitude without investment. Granting him liberties that a spouse should have suggests you aren’t worth the wait. If we want their regard we must conduct ourselves in a manner that inspires respect and honor.

You must define what’s acceptable. Prospects are different from companions and they’re a far cry from your spouse. I assign boundaries to each according to their position. I don’t ignore trespasses or feigned attempts of entitlement. He has a place. Until we reach a different point, I don’t give him the spoils and regard the higher position commands. He hasn’t earned it.

I minimize access to the opposite sex. We can speak as acquaintances. But I don’t allow anyone to monopolize my time who hasn’t declared their intentions. That is a privilege I assign to suitors and partners. I don’t play guessing games or tax my mind with innuendo. I know where he stands.

Clarification is a must. It reduces misunderstandings. I don’t share everything at once or get ahead of myself. The connection develops organically. This allows us to put on the breaks if we feel the pairing is unsuitable.

You can’t entertain every one who comes your way. Or unveil yourself to every man who desires to be close. They must demonstrate how their presence is a positive addition to your life. Is he drawing you nearer to God or leading you astray? I want the one who betters and supports me. But in like fashion, I must offer the same in turn. There’s give and take.

He implies that he is entitled to a 'better' woman who is 'harder to get' - as if my value is lower in his eyes because of my past.

You can’t convince anyone to set aside a preference. They must do it on their own. I have a child but I never dated men with children. I preferred childless companions. I didn’t want the hardship of exes, children, or drama. For some that’s offensive. But many women often have others and find themselves with several dependents and no spouse. I wouldn’t permit the same.

There are things I’ve withheld for my husband. A level of relating I won’t allow. I didn’t cohabitate, I was abstinent, and forthright. That didn’t reduce the quality of my partners, their spoiling, or desire to make me theirs permanently. I held myself to a different standard and didn’t permit my circumstances to define me.

But I also invested a lot of energy in self-improvement. I went beyond the norm. I became a woman worth having who offered qualities they couldn’t find elsewhere. I educated myself in the opposite sex thoroughly. I defined the characteristics I required in a companion and selected gentlemen who possessed them. And I stuck to it.

Any advice / wise words of how to let go of this man, whose opinion has impacted and hurt me profoundly?

You are holding on to the idea of what might have been. Not the reality of who he is and what he’s seeking. To prostrate yourself to someone who degraded you is pointless. You’ll remain low in his eyes and he’ll do it again.

You want the man who raises you. The one who sees your imperfections in light of your potential. The one who is willing to invest in your betterment and help you grow. He will see the pearl of great price and cherish you. But you won’t encounter him until you’re capable of recognizing the same within yourself and another.

Iyanla Vanzant has a useful message that’s a fitting conclusion for this post. I read it many years ago and the words have remained with me since that time.

“If you want to know the end, look at the beginning.” —African Proverb

Wherever you are in your heart and mind at the outset of a relationship is where you will be at the end. Whatever you bring to the start of the relationship is what you will have to clean up in the end. You cannot begin a relationship in dishonesty and deceit and hope to experience an honest end.

If you run into a relationship to get away from another, you will run into another one to get away from this one. If you enter a relationship in fear, anger or grief, you stand a pretty good chance of finding more of the same. If you enter a relationship in sadness, desperation and pain, guess what? You will find it again.

If we want put an end to angry, bitter and ugly separations, we must begin our relationships with the open, loving honesty we say we want. If we do not know who we are and how we feel at any time, it is best that we stay alone.

I hope you’re strengthened and edified. God bless.

~Bella

 

[bèlla]

Recommended Books

For Women

• Beautiful in God’s Eyes — Elizabeth George
• The Girlfriends Guidebook - Marian Jordan
• The Power of a Woman’s Words - Sharon Jaynes
• The Happiness Dare - Jennifer Lee Dukes
• Becoming the Woman God Wants Me to Be - Donna Partow
• The Power of a Praying Woman - Stormie Omartian
• Disciplines of a Godly Woman - Barbara Hughes
• A Confident Heart - Renee Swope
• Unoffendable - Brant Hansen
• Love Does - Bob Goff

Relationships

• God is a Matchmaker - Derek Prince
• Kingdom Man & Kingdom Woman - Tony Evans
• The Sacred Search - Gary Thomas
• The Wait - Devon Franklin
• The Mingling of Souls - Matt Chandler
• Secrets of an Irresistible Woman & In Search of a Proverbs 31 Man - Michelle McKinney Hammond
  
• The Dating Manifesto - Lisa Anderson
• His Needs, Her Needs - Willard Harley
• The Meaning of Marriage - Tim Keller

I suggest you begin a gratitude practice if you don’t have one at present. Its important to move beyond your feelings to see God’s handiwork in your life. I’ve used Ann Voskamp’s Joy Dares in the past. The daily prompts encourage you to find 3 reasons to express your thankfulness.

You can consider journaling. But I’d advise you to focus your writing on the questions posed in the books you’re reading or the insight derived in light of them. I wouldn’t rehash the past or court your woe. A private WordPress blog (free) is a useful tool to track your progress. You’ll capture your growth and have something to reference later.

I didn’t point you to websites on purpose. The period of introspection is an important part of your healing. If you commit to the process you’ll emerge in a better state than you are today.

~Bella

 

[ReesePiece23]

^ I think Bella's post is the best post I'm ever going to read on this subject.

@Ravillante Take your time to digest it fully. I doubt that you'll get a better reply to this thread than that.

 

[bèlla]

^ I think Bella's post is the best post I'm ever going to read on this subject.

Thank you for the compliment.

~Bella

 

[Ravillante]

I'm sanctimonious and self righteous - and I'm here to tell you that you're a very sinful person.

Only joking.

No, you're an infinite being crafted by an awesome creator - everything you need can be drawn from within, you don't need to have your worth validated by men. In a universe with a diameter of 93 BILLION lightyears containing trillions and trillions of galaxies, God only made ONE of you.

Two for the best realtionships you will EVER have:

- The one you have with God
- The one you have with yourself

The rest trail behind by a fair few miles, trust me.

thank you - very beautifully put.

 

[Ravillante]

[STAFF EDITED DELETED QUOTE]

Thanks for your input. To be frank it does make me feel judged, even though your intent is good. My number is obviously not something I am proud of as a woman. I subconsciously feel the judgment of society and (Christian) men and it adds to my sentiment of not being good enough. Of course it would be better if I could undo those things. However, in the environment I'm from, I know only one woman who abstains until marriage (I don't come from a super religious family).
In addition, I think the reason for those men leaving me was not because I gave up sex, they were non-Christian men who didn't see a future of me due to other factors largely beyond my control. It is 100% true that I hurt myself unnecessary by being intimate too soon - it would have hurt a lot less without the intimacy.

 

[Ravillante]

I'm not the best with numbers, but I reckon the OP's post is somewhere in the neighbourhood of 600 and 650 words - so, from judging that, I'd say that the work is very much underway.

I made a little joke at the start of my post in the hope that it would make people stop and think, and maybe employ a bit of tact. This isn't a courtroom, God's kingdom is a place of sanctuary - a place we can go to, and be taken care of like children. Guilt will only make God seem less approachable, it may even deepen the sin - if not encourage it further.

I don't care about the ex's - all they're going to be is a meal ticket to something better, because this experience WILL draw her closer to God, and deeper into a life rife with self-respect. Sin is critical to a deeper understanding. Avoiding it is worse than committing it.

You have acknowledged your behavior and the errors in judgment you made in the past. Both are necessary for growth and repentance. Your ability to admit you’re wrong is a mark of maturity. Don’t despise it.

Now its time to repair your self-esteem and develop a healthy outlook about your worthiness as a woman and God’s creation. You can’t change what’s taken place. But you can minimize the likelihood of future hurt by exercising discrimination in your choices. Since you’ve struggled in this area it would be useful to have wise women in your corner. A mixture of single and married ladies who exhibit godliness and grace is ideal. They’ll provide the balance you’ve lacked.

I encourage you to undertake a one year study on biblical womanhood. I’ll provide a list of resources for your benefit. You must nurture your beauty and embrace it wholeheartedly. That includes developing healthy boundaries with suitors which honors your loveliness. You can’t compromise your dignity for momentary pleasure or permit yourself to be used or debased anymore. You must temper your emotions and urges.



What he’s conveying beneath the sentiment is a greater desire for someone who resists his advances and holds him to a higher standard of conduct. It was difficult to hear but it may be a blessing in disguise. We determine how others will treat us. It is unwise to give men unrestricted latitude without investment. Granting him liberties that a spouse should have suggests you aren’t worth the wait. If we want their regard we must conduct ourselves in a manner that inspires respect and honor.

You must define what’s acceptable. Prospects are different from companions and they’re a far cry from your spouse. I assign boundaries to each according to their position. I don’t ignore trespasses or feigned attempts of entitlement. He has a place. Until we reach a different point, I don’t give him the spoils and regard the higher position commands. He hasn’t earned it.

I minimize access to the opposite sex. We can speak as acquaintances. But I don’t allow anyone to monopolize my time who hasn’t declared their intentions. That is a privilege I assign to suitors and partners. I don’t play guessing games or tax my mind with innuendo. I know where he stands.

Clarification is a must. It reduces misunderstandings. I don’t share everything at once or get ahead of myself. The connection develops organically. This allows us to put on the breaks if we feel the pairing is unsuitable.

You can’t entertain every one who comes your way. Or unveil yourself to every man who desires to be close. They must demonstrate how their presence is a positive addition to your life. Is he drawing you nearer to God or leading you astray? I want the one who betters and supports me. But in like fashion, I must offer the same in turn. There’s give and take.



You can’t convince anyone to set aside a preference. They must do it on their own. I have a child but I never dated men with children. I preferred childless companions. I didn’t want the hardship of exes, children, or drama. For some that’s offensive. But many women often have others and find themselves with several dependents and no spouse. I wouldn’t permit the same.

There are things I’ve withheld for my husband. A level of relating I won’t allow. I didn’t cohabitate, I was abstinent, and forthright. That didn’t reduce the quality of my partners, their spoiling, or desire to make me theirs permanently. I held myself to a different standard and didn’t permit my circumstances to define me.

But I also invested a lot of energy in self-improvement. I went beyond the norm. I became a woman worth having who offered qualities they couldn’t find elsewhere. I educated myself in the opposite sex thoroughly. I defined the characteristics I required in a companion and selected gentlemen who possessed them. And I stuck to it.



You are holding on to the idea of what might have been. Not the reality of who he is and what he’s seeking. To prostrate yourself to someone who degraded you is pointless. You’ll remain low in his eyes and he’ll do it again.

You want the man who raises you. The one who sees your imperfections in light of your potential. The one who is willing to invest in your betterment and help you grow. He will see the pearl of great price and cherish you. But you won’t encounter him until you’re capable of recognizing the same within yourself and another.

Iyanla Vanzant has a useful message that’s a fitting conclusion for this post. I read it many years ago and the words have remained with me since that time.

“If you want to know the end, look at the beginning.” —African Proverb

Wherever you are in your heart and mind at the outset of a relationship is where you will be at the end. Whatever you bring to the start of the relationship is what you will have to clean up in the end. You cannot begin a relationship in dishonesty and deceit and hope to experience an honest end.

If you run into a relationship to get away from another, you will run into another one to get away from this one. If you enter a relationship in fear, anger or grief, you stand a pretty good chance of finding more of the same. If you enter a relationship in sadness, desperation and pain, guess what? You will find it again.

If we want put an end to angry, bitter and ugly separations, we must begin our relationships with the open, loving honesty we say we want. If we do not know who we are and how we feel at any time, it is best that we stay alone.

I hope you’re strengthened and edified. God bless.

~Bella

thank you

 

[Ravillante]

thanks all for your advice. I am listening to lots of seminars (currently Bethel church) and reading books (currently 'Approval Addiction') and of course praying to God to improve my relationship with Him and ultimately my life and feeling of self worth.

 

[ReesePiece23]

[STAFF EDITED DELETED QUOTE]

I don't for a second doubt your intentions, I just found it a bit lofty for a subject this sensitive. (In my opinion - let's establish that.) I don't know, I just felt that self esteem was an enemy here for the OP. However, I think with your post and everyone else's, she got a decent mix. So, I guess it matters not really. The thread turned out well.

To clarify on my last point: sin, to me, is the same as failure. And I take it down to it's most clinical level: you DON'T succeed without failure. It's the only way you ever learn, grown, develop and SEE firsthand exactly what you're doing wrong. I'm not saying go in and consciously sin, but I don't believe in wrapping yourself up in cotton wool either. The majority of Christians I know who are underdeveloped interpersonally (who will say this on their own admission) are usually the ones who commit the least errors.

You just have to go out there and live your best life - and yes, that IS a life through Jesus, but the road to get there is built from the bricks of failure, sin and stupidity. Otherwise, how else are you going to actually SEE the full scope of His genius? And what's the point having a teacher if they can't teach you?

It's a tough one to explain and write down, because it makes more sense in my head.

 

[Sketcher]

Hi,

My ex boyfriend and I were together for 6 months. We are both in our late 20s, both Christians and have had relationships and slept with other people before. We also had sex with each other. He has now dumped me because I told him that I had more sexual partners in the past than he did. He had about 4, and I've had 14. I had one serious relationship and the other sexual partners were casual partners. After the serious relationship before him, I felt very alone, sad and vulnerable and I had casual sex once because I longed for that feeling of connection in the moment - but regretted it afterwards. I am a very romantic sensitive woman and I had quite strong feelings the majority of these men, but they rejected me for a serious relationship, so it ended up being a casual relationship. I have probably had intimacy too early with these men because I didn't love myself enough and was looking for love and acceptance by sleeping with them, but I also enjoy sex, so it is not like I have done it against my will. If I were to do it again I would not have sex with so many men, because I realise I am worth more than that.

My ex boyfriend told me that he does not want to end up with a woman who has been "easy to get into bed" for other men, it hurts his ego and his pride, and he wants to feel like he had to put in a lot of effort for a woman to get her to sleep with him. He wants a "catch" that no other dog (man) has 'sniffed' (his words). It makes me feel so incredibly sad that he is judging me like this. I loved and admired him so much and for me the past was the past; I was super excited to have a future, a marriage and a life with him, for me he was the one, the best match and guy for me and I wish I had met him earlier in my life. Now it makes me feel like I am dirty, not good enough, not pure enough, not Godly enough, not womanly enough - according to his standards. He implies that he is entitled to a 'better' woman who is 'harder to get' - as if my value is lower in his eyes because of my past.

How do I get past this heartbreak, this feeling of not being good enough, this feeling of not being loved, of being 'dirty' and ruined by my past mistakes?
I feel like my romantic past was already really difficult for me. I had a difficult past as a child, and as a young woman I have felt used sexually by guys and it hurt so much that I gave my body and then they ended up not wanting to commit. I have come a long way with learning to love myself and not needing validation from men, and it is getting better now.

Maybe I have not had strong enough boundaries and I didn't see the importance of abstaining from sex when I was younger - now I do, but I still enjoy sex and mainly the feeling of intimacy it provides, which is why I also enjoyed the intimacy with him.

Any advice / wise words of how to let go of this man, whose opinion has impacted and hurt me profoundly? How to let go of shame and be a renewed woman of God and let the past behind, and find a guy who won't hold my past against me but love me as I am?

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." - Romans 12:1-2

A godly and wise man will look for that in your life. According to what you have told us - you slept with your ex, and you slept casually with someone else after your ex - there is still work to be done here. Many men figure that if a woman hasn't shown self-restraint out of marriage, that she won't show self-restraint in marriage, which means she'll cheat on him. Most men do not want to be cheated on. Note that I'm not even talking about the 14 other guys before him, which can be reasonably argued to be in the past, I'm talking about your present. Fix your present. Build up character that a wise man will be able to trust, so that you can truly say that your past is past. Beware of anything that seems like commitment before this happens. There are "men" who have no problems with promiscuous women, because they use them. Sometimes they'll pimp them out. You do not need someone like that in your life.

 

[Ravillante]

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." - Romans 12:1-2

A godly and wise man will look for that in your life. According to what you have told us - you slept with your ex, and you slept casually with someone else after your ex - there is still work to be done here. Many men figure that if a woman hasn't shown self-restraint out of marriage, that she won't show self-restraint in marriage, which means she'll cheat on him. Most men do not want to be cheated on. Note that I'm not even talking about the 14 other guys before him, which can be reasonably argued to be in the past, I'm talking about your present. Fix your present. Build up character that a wise man will be able to trust, so that you can truly say that your past is past. Beware of anything that seems like commitment before this happens. There are "men" who have no problems with promiscuous women, because they use them. Sometimes they'll pimp them out. You do not need someone like that in your life.

There is a misunderstanding here: the guy I casually slept with happened BEFORE I met/knew him (my recent Christian ex), but after another ex before this ex. So it is not something that happened after I got to know him. And it also happened at that time because I was a mess emotionally.

 

[Sketcher]

There is a misunderstanding here: the guy I casually slept with happened BEFORE I met/knew him (my recent Christian ex), but after another ex before this ex. So it is not something that happened after I got to know him. And it also happened at that time because I was a mess emotionally.

Thank you for correcting me on that, I apologise for not getting that part right. Still, though - you slept together within six months, which is going to trigger that same insecurity that I mentioned before. The best advice I have is the same - be sanctified, and built up a good characteristic in this part of your life. When you're ready to date again, date men without sleeping with them, so you can have evidence in your life that the past is past. Then guys will have more of a reason to believe you when you tell them that this is so.