Is it okay from a biblical standpoint

[razzelflabben]

When I woke this morning, I found myself feeling sorry for myself, I was thinking about all the struggles that are plaguing this family and how they all have been repeated throughout the years ensuring failure rather than success. I thought about all I have given just to serve and honor God, the king of kings and Lord of Lords and how dispite this, we lack deliverance, I live only to please Him. And yet, I greive because all my loyalty seems for not. But then I think of the bible and how we are told that our loyalty is rewarded by being friends of the King, a friend that can go boldly and talk plainly and not fear.

Not long ago, I did just that, I spoke harshly to my Lord. My heart was so heavy and so burdened and so stressed that I said things that I am sure I should not have said, and yet, God, my friend, did not reject me, or insult me, but rather, He told me to put all my cares upon Him. Now admittedly that is hard when I sit in my house shivering with the cold, or borrow money I don't have for a car that only days later breaks down. How can this God call Himself Love? But with each day, I find strength to get up and hope in the future. We are expecting to inherit a washer and dryer in mid Dec. What a massive hope as I see laundry pile up knee deep and no way to get it done. I look at our newly slashed food budget and try to image how I will feed 6 people on less than $300 for a month, and am reminded that it is hope that moves us forward not things, hope that drives us not security, it is hope that feeds us, moves us, strengthens us, and it is in hope that we find Love.

I got a jar the other day in the jar we put all the things that have become the focus of our prayers, the things that have taken over our hopes and dreams and desires and cloud our minds of all the things around us. The things we pray for everyday, day in and day out. And we attempt to leave them there, so that our focus becomes about God and not the struggles of this life about the needs of others and leave our own needs in the hands of my very capable Master and King. I do not understand or know why my King has not delivered me, but I do know that He is well aware of why we cry every night and why we struggle to rise in the morning. We are blessed, and no blessing greater than the freedom to know that when we hurt so bad as to say things that we shouldn't, we are still loved and cared for and given hope beyond what man is capable of. We find new blessings, new hopes, new chances to try.

I find myself desiring to just cease to exist, to just stop and not go any further. When my grandmother was dieing, the Dr. told my aunt, she is tired, let her go, I cried, because I understood. I would terribly miss my dear husband and children, but I also long just to be done, to stop, to know the fullness of the hope God has placed within. For without hope, there is no eternity, no heaven, no glory, no God. And so as we anticipate a washer and dryer and clean laundry, we also look forward to our day of deliverance whether in this physical lifetime or in glory it is hope that gives us assurance and hope that someday we will stand before God and face His judgment and the most glorious gift of all would be to hear Him utter these words of me, "well done my good and faithful servant".

May you all know hope this day as you stand in the presence of our King friend.

 

[razzelflabben]

I know this doesn't belong here, but I need to say it, and since few people are reading or posting, I am going to take advantage of the thread to cry some more.

Our eldest has been dissatisfied for some time, tried to leave our area many years ago, in hopes of finding hope. We talked him into staying until he graduated high school. That happened this year. Now he is getting prepared to graduate boot camp and doing everything in his power to work it out so that he goes to Iraq as an unarmed medic. We are proud of him and excited for him and praying he finds that hope he is seeking, but I also cry for him, all he has ever known is the excessive work load with insufficient pay, the excellence of a job well done, with the rewards of being cast aside. Now graduation is almost upon us, we want to go so bad, be there, tell him we ae still a family, but I dont know how we are going to get there. Even if we can scrap together enough for gas, which is doubtful, where do we stay in the thows of winter so that we can be there by 8:00 AM after a 6+ hour drive. and then another 6+ home and be safe at all on the road? Our government help was cut severly with no increase in what we were bringing in, and now on top of every other increase, we are asked to find hotel, gas, food, so that we can tell our son, that we will always be there for him. We will find a way, God always provides something, but I just need to sit down and cry a while, then take a deep breath, and find a way to convince myself that there is still hope for those like us who struggle every day to find hope.

Sorry to complain ya all. God will as always treat us with grace and blessings unknown to us in this day of darkness and despair.

My husband has put in for a raise at work, maybe that will be God's grace. As we look forward to the future may you all find strength in the loving arms of our Lord and comfort in knowing that there are those out there whose desire is not for self, but God and all those whom He loves. May our Lord grant strength to the weak and courage to those who face the enemy May He grant grace to those who seek Him and peace to all who wait upon Him. Let us strive to trust Him wholly and without concern for self.

Sometimes tears are cleansing, thanks for letting me cry.

 

[Servant4Yeshuah]

I will pray for you too...Feel free to cry..I am here but more importantly our Lord is here

 

[Amylisa]

I am sorry for your suffering, razzel.
I pray things will improve soon. Our daughter just recently graduated boot camp too, and I understand your wanting to be there.

I pray God's healing deliverance for you all, and His hand upon your son.
He should be going to AIT next, right? Before going overseas? Then he should still be in the States for a little while. Maybe you can see him then. I hope so.

 

[razzelflabben]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers.

I wouldn't expect you all to understand this, but we need to be a graduation for our son, he needs to understand that poverty isn't the end, that life still exists and that God still does work. He needs to know that dispite what the world says, love prevails. Because of that, we will find a way to get there, even if it means sleeping in the car for naps until the cold wakes us up or takes our life whichever comes first. With grace, either God will provide the money, or, the weather will be warmer than normal. Our son is at least in part, running from what he has always known, excessive work for less than sufficient pay. He grasps the idea that money isn't everything, but he also needs to understand that money can't stand in the way of hearts that are filled with love.

The last post reminded me of all the people I talk to that try to make me out to sound or feel worried for our sons life. I am totally at peace about his life. I would that I would not have to wait and see, that the waiting to see if he comes home to us is stressful, but whether he lives of dies, is totally in God's hands, and I am more than fine with that. I would rather he die and be content than home and safe and feeling like a caged animal. He will be fine, no matter what happens to him.

And so, as I close this post, let me ask that each of you be given peace and strength beyond measure. And comfort in knowing that God is still the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

 

[razzelflabben]

I just wanted to give a quick note of thanksgiving. I have been told, though I don't yet have evidence, that our trip expenses will be covered. And so God has once again given what we could not see.

He is our provider, our source of strength and courage, and it is in our weakness He is made strong.

I have been feeling very....empty lately, as if I were dead and needing to feel alive. It is in these moments that I begin to understand the miracle of the resurrection. For it is when we are dead, that He brings us to life.

May you this day learn to trust God with everything that you are about to face, knowing in your heart that His only thought is for your well being. May you grasp the love that wants only good for you, His child. May you face whatever is ahead with full and complete knowledge of God's grace in even this.

Thanks for all your prayers. And thanks be to God that He hears us, and is not a God of sleep or slumber but rather a God of compassion and grace.

 

[Amylisa]

Wonderful!!!!

 

[sequins]

Praying for you, razzelflabben.

I know money problems can be most overwhelming. Just remember Jesus and the Apostles did without, and relied on the kindness of those they preached to. They got enough for food and clothing. Sometimes I think that food, clothing, and a roof over the head are fine enough to have. Sorry to hear of the troubles, though. They usually are endless, and you have the grace and Spirit of God in you to endure it.

But I still really hope you get a new washer and dryer!

 

[JPPT1974]

God will watch over you
No matter what occurs
Let Him take care of you
He always does and always will.

 

[razzelflabben]

This week, as we face some of the same issues and some new, I was struck by how little we trust anyone, including God, and how much courage it takes to actually trust anyone especially a God whom we cannot see, taste or hear with our physical beings. And as I study on this, I am faced with the word encouragement. If encouragement is words or actions that promote courage, and courage is necessary for trust. And trust is where we draw strength to endure to the end, then how huge a miracle is this spirit within that strengthens us and encourages us and how much more should be trust.

And so what then are my rantings saying this day? Today I see God as an encourager, one who gives courage. One who gives courage that allows me to trust and perserver.

Colossians 2:1-3

I wonder and worry that I will not have courage enough to see this trial to it's end, and yet, I find a renewed sense of trust with each new trial that I face within this ordeal we call life right now. We feel as if dead, and seek God for a resurrection to life. A hope of living rather than merely survival. And so this day, we seek courage, the courage that drives people to greatness dispite the odds. The kind of courage that Frodo needed in the Lord of the Rings, or Jesus in the face of His accusers. The courage of Mary and Joseph when they faced all of society. The courage that makes or breaks a man, is characterized by trust.

May you find courage today, to trust the Lord with whatever lies ahead. May you know the strength He gives as He bestows upon you the grace and mercy promised in His word and in the very breaths of His life and words. May you be encouraged this day as you rise against the enemy, to do battle, to face great odds as one of the greats in this world.

 

[Amylisa]

Thanks for that post, razzleflabben. It blessed me! I will remember it!

I will also be praying for you to get a washer and dryer. That is SO good to have, especially when there's a lot of people to wash for.

 

[razzelflabben]

Today, I face more attacks, and yet they are as if I am watching a war rage through a glass, not really there though I know I am. My heart is quiet and I bow before my king and wait for His command. As I bow there, humbled in His presence I am aware of shadows in the corners of His court. Warriors who came when I was lost, and shielded me with their shields and welded their swords to protect me when I had no strength. And now, they stand, quiet and hidden, waiting as I bow, waiting for the King's command. But their service was one of sacrifice and love, a service of greatness. And so, as the legs which were paralized begin to move and life once again begins to echo in my being. As I see the battle rage on and know my place is on that battle field but yet I need time to recover, I wait permission to speak to the King on your behalf. And when that permission is granted, I ask that He might bestow honors upon each of you who faced the battle with grace, and courage, and risked yourselves on my behalf. You all came, and rescued me, you lifted me up and brought me before the King and now, you stand and wait, asking nothing for yourselves for these brave and unselfish acts of love. You stand watching and waiting, you, the warriors who become only shadows in the King's court as I bow before His Holiness. Shadows, without whom, I would have been lost.

May our King bestow upon you this day, honors for your service to the King. May He grace you with gifts of great worth, so that you might always remember how great your gift of love was for this humble servant of the King.

 

[JPPT1974]

Keep up the good work my friend
We all face attacks
But only we can fight it with
God's grace and mercy

 

[razzelflabben]

My husband this week, gave me a good punch in the gut, and since this has become largely about emotions and how they play into our spiritual lives, I wish to share with you his comments and ask "how should I feel".

First let me put forth his biblical reference and a bit of background information for what he said next, John 15:18-27 many years ago I read this passage and it's words pierced me to the core. So much so that I prayed that night that God would be so real and alive in me that it would be impossible to tell where God began and I ended. So visible in me that the ones who hate Him would hate me as well. I sought then as I do know to see things through God's eyes, with His heart.

So my husband and I were talking about poverty and what to try next, and he says to me, you know you asked for this. I knew immediately that he was refering to the above, but then he aspounded. He included all the lies, all the abuse, all the ..... and he said to me, you wanted to see things through God's eyes, with His heart, what did the world do to HIm, what did the world say to Him?

This sent me into feelings of guilt to which I felt compelled to apologize to him for bringing us here. He said not to apologize because it was good to be there, in the presence of God, seeing what God sees and feeling what God feels, at least with a glimpse.

Anyway, long story short, my husband sees our situation as an extention of my prayer and desire to know Christ intimately. But that makes me feel guilty for bringing him and the children here, to this poverty. I couldn't do it different if I wanted to, but I still feel like it is all my fault. I never wanted to marry because I knew it would make following Christ wherever He leads more difficult, and it has, and I am blessed to have a Godly husband and loving children, but how do I not feel guilty now, to see my family go without, to suffer, to wait with drips everytime it rains, or go without meals because there isn't enough food to go around and know that I brought this to them?

Help me sort this out please, talk to me, how can I feel guilty and honored all at the same time? Why do I see their suffering and take it upon myself as well? How can I Love God with such a passion when it means that I bring this suffering to my family? I know they are okay with it, and I know they see it as an honor as well, and yet when I see them suffer I long to be single so that thier suffering would not be by my doing. And yet, is it my doing, I brought it upon them, but only according to God's will. Now I am just rambling and not making any sense to even me. How do I reconcile my feelings with my hearts desire?

 

[razzelflabben]

The last couple of days, a new wave of attacks has begun, most of the time I feel in a fog, as if I am not there, but occasionally, there is a direct attack and I wake depressed and with a sick feeling in my stomach. I begin to feel a tightness in my chest as I know that I have to get up and fight again. I am tired of fighting everyone, I want to stop, to rest, and yet, I must get up and face the day and wonder how I will survive. I long to do more than just survive, to live. But as I face this day, I am faced with a new question.

What does this suffering say to us of God and who He is? If you husbands observations are true, then what can we learn about God through this new wave of attacks. For years, I have spoken of Christ's escape when the crowds were pressing around Him, and longed to be able to do that, to escape across the sea to escape for a time. What does all this say about God's nature?

As I dwell on this question this day, and try to forget all the fighting when there is a moment of quiet, retreating if only for a brief moment to escape from the crowds pressing on, may you find rest and comfort in the arms of our Father and His Love.

 

[JPPT1974]

You know, only God can give us
Peace and that He alone can
And will fill our cups full of peace
If we continue to seek and ask for it.

 

[razzelflabben]

I know of no way to reconcile my feelings of guilt on this matter with what I know to be right. Like it or not, we live in the physical world and it is that world that dominates our emotions and consumes us. However, emotions are not what we live in, we live in grace and love.

I have been studying purpose lately, and it would seem that this whole idea plays a part in purpose. It is in suffering that we learn who God is and what His heart is. It gives us an opportunity to see things through His eyes, with His heart. It is sharing in His suffering that we might also share in His grace and love I could not offer my family a greater gift than that. Any yet, it is the immediate that pierces our minds and emotions and drives us and it is this immediate that often gets out of focus. We are too close to the situation to see it for what it is. It is this lack of focus that causes feeling of guilt or anger or pain. when I began this thread, I was seeking some kind of reason for feeling angry, and some kind of I guess consolation that emotions are okay. What I find is that all this time later, emotions are what they are, an out of focus attempt to reconcile the physical world with the eternal one. (God's purpose, passages available if requested). It is in this marriage of the physical world that we live in with the spiritual world in which we were created for that we find peace and strength beyond what we can know.

I will not lie to you and claim to have acheived this, I still find myself struggling with being tired and weak, and longing for a season of "quietness" something I have never known and I am sure I would tire of quickly and yet, I find myself longing for a taste of physical peace, that quietness that "vacation" time where we live rather than survive, rest rather than work, be rather than fulfill anothers needs. Ah, to have a vacation, to know that time of rest. But, if I never know it in this life, I will know it in heaven with my Lord and King.

And so as we approach the Christmas week, and I think over the lessons of Christ through this thread, I ask my Lord to bestow upon you each one, perspective, focus, to see things not only with temporal eyes, but with spiritual eyes as well. May you know grace and love and seek to marry these with the sufferings and struggles of life that you might share the cup of our Lord Jesus Christ, if only through a glimpse.

 

[Saint Melania]

Praying for you! I have read this entire thing, and stand amazed at your faith. Merry Christmas to you and your family. I, too, have struggled through poverty from time to time, and it is far from easy. While I don't regret the struggle, I am grateful it was all temporary. May yours be temporary!

 

[razzelflabben]

Praying for you! I have read this entire thing, and stand amazed at your faith. Merry Christmas to you and your family. I, too, have struggled through poverty from time to time, and it is far from easy. While I don't regret the struggle, I am grateful it was all temporary. May yours be temporary!

Your post prompted something in me to speak about, though it is directed at all who have stood by and offered prayers and encouraging words.

Many have talked about my faith, and I do not understand what you see that I do not. I read my words and see such a lack of faith, so much struggle because I do not fully trust my Lord and God. I see a person who lacks faith, lacks love, lacks obedience. I do not understand. I find strength in the words and courage where there was none before, but I know I am the least among you all. How is it possible that you can see this faith within me when all I see is weakness and fear?

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Your post prompted something in me to speak about, though it is directed at all who have stood by and offered prayers and encouraging words.

Many have talked about my faith, and I do not understand what you see that I do not. I read my words and see such a lack of faith, so much struggle because I do not fully trust my Lord and God. I see a person who lacks faith, lacks love, lacks obedience. I do not understand. I find strength in the words and courage where there was none before, but I know I am the least among you all. How is it possible that you can see this faith within me when all I see is weakness and fear?

I just wanted to briefly reply, what confidence is there in earthly goods? Is it a confidence in God or self ability? Your eyes, in your proverty are on God, this is your riches, imo, selfconfidence rarely goes there.