How many times now, have I tried to leave the forum and found a peace with speaking the love of God. How many times have I told myself this would be my last post here on this thread, only to come back and post again. I guess, I have found love here, and that draws me to it. I don't understand it, or know how to accept it, but it draws me, and I long to live in that love.
Recently, we attended a church that also offers us love. It's actually a very long story, but we have been attending for about 6 months. The church that we usually go to, is a repeat of another church that outgrew their current building and were landlocked, so they (long story) bought another building, they consider themselves one body two locations. But the new body, averages between 150 and 300, the reason the gap is so large, is because the numbers are constantly going up but it takes a while for the new numbers to become an average if you know what I mean. The old building averages 100-150 every Sun. Now all this is covered by one pastor. A wonderful christian guy who is determined that this will be God's church, God's rules, God's grace, God's love.
Now before I go on, a bit of background about us. My husband felt called to the ministry many years ago. He says he was like Jonah, but finally gave in to the call. His first church... first official sermon, was loving your neighbor, taken from the good samaritan and talked about your enemy as well as your friend. The congregation got so upset they threatened my husbands job, he didn't give in. The next wave of attacks were geared at me, still, he didn't give in. The next attack was at our children. when that didn't work, they fired my husband. Now I do believe with all my heart that we did exactly what God needed us to do, but the pain of that experience still lingers.
the second church was so bad, that the decons children physically assaulted our boys, both very young, and both considerably younger than the boys who attacked. by the time we finished with our third church which was only marginally better, we went for awhile to a large church where we could be invisible. That didn't satisfy, spiritually or physically, and soon we weren't going anywhere. We would try off and on, in fact, we went to one struggling church which closed it's doors over where to hold Easter Sun. service.
Now fast forward. We began attending this church and just tried to become invisible, allowing ourselves time to heal and feel safe in the church again. In the meantime, we began working on books and seminars on love. But almost from the start, the pastor began encouraging my husband to go back to pastoring a church. My husband and I talked at length about it, and neither of us felt like that was God's calling on us. The seminars seemed to be the direction we were to go. Time passed, and as we got "pulled" further into the love of this church, more and more people began "pressuring" (all low key) for us to get back into pastoring.
Fast forward a bit more and we come to today. The church is looking for an associate pastor, which is desperately needed. Because we have told the pastor that we don't feel called into a church at this time, he looked at some other people to fill the position, all the time, his heart appears to be on my husband. At this point in time, all we can say is lead where you will, Lord my God. So this week, the pastor, came to my husband and asked him if he would consider being the associate. He told him that if God led that way, he would do it. Special arrangements are even being made so that we can do seminars as well.
We have never been so loved as we are in this church, and I'm not even sure that we are fearful, though we have good reason to be. But we are confused, and long to know God's will in even this. In fact, Sun. I was told that my husband needed to get to know some of the people, I asked if he really thought so, he said, "yes". Basically the meaning was yep, your husband is the one that God is leading us to.
At this point, we simply don't know. Part of us wants to run without looking back, part wants to do anything we can to help. Part of us is afraid that some think too highly of us, another part enjoys the love and encouragement that we are not the evil that others have made us out to be. I guess the point is, how do we know what part is God and what part is us? How do we know when it is God and when it is man? I would not that we decide based on our own desires (it's tempting, in that it would mean a significant raise, close or over poverty line rather than about 1/2 poverty) but that is a terrible reason to take a church, and honestly, I don't even want to know what it pays. We firmly believe, that anyone who is called into the ministry should be willing to live in poverty, but that no church should willfully place a pastor in poverty. So though the money is tempting, we don't want to know how much, that is no reason to take the job. though it would be nice to be a part of a loving body, we still live in fear of all the evil that we have endured at the hands of those who call themselves Christs. How do we reconcile all this, to know, to be quiet long enough to even hear God's voice on this matter?
I don't know, you all, I'm stumped. I don't know how to remove the flesh long enough to hear God's call right now, it's pretty much like a tornado, coming upon us, spinning us out of control. Absorbing us into it's core, and we have had little to no control where it takes us. Now I know that if we say no, we will still be loved, and welcomed, but the bottom line is nothing of ourselves, only God. How do you do that when you are so starved for love that you are on the verge of dieing, and then, you find that life giving love, and it moves you and takes you places you have never been. It sweeps you off your feet, and you begin to feel alive and you long for it and thirst for it, and don't want to let go of it. But somewhere, in the back of your mind and heart, you always question if it is real, or all just a dream and someday you will wake and find yourself either having missed out of what God wanted, or in another nightmare in which you watch the people you love, be beat up for the only one whose love is pure and without bounds.
Ah well, I have talked too long. I would love any advice you all might offer. Sometimes, I feel like I haven't a clue how to follow our Lord and King.
Recently, we attended a church that also offers us love. It's actually a very long story, but we have been attending for about 6 months. The church that we usually go to, is a repeat of another church that outgrew their current building and were landlocked, so they (long story) bought another building, they consider themselves one body two locations. But the new body, averages between 150 and 300, the reason the gap is so large, is because the numbers are constantly going up but it takes a while for the new numbers to become an average if you know what I mean. The old building averages 100-150 every Sun. Now all this is covered by one pastor. A wonderful christian guy who is determined that this will be God's church, God's rules, God's grace, God's love.
Now before I go on, a bit of background about us. My husband felt called to the ministry many years ago. He says he was like Jonah, but finally gave in to the call. His first church... first official sermon, was loving your neighbor, taken from the good samaritan and talked about your enemy as well as your friend. The congregation got so upset they threatened my husbands job, he didn't give in. The next wave of attacks were geared at me, still, he didn't give in. The next attack was at our children. when that didn't work, they fired my husband. Now I do believe with all my heart that we did exactly what God needed us to do, but the pain of that experience still lingers.
the second church was so bad, that the decons children physically assaulted our boys, both very young, and both considerably younger than the boys who attacked. by the time we finished with our third church which was only marginally better, we went for awhile to a large church where we could be invisible. That didn't satisfy, spiritually or physically, and soon we weren't going anywhere. We would try off and on, in fact, we went to one struggling church which closed it's doors over where to hold Easter Sun. service.
Now fast forward. We began attending this church and just tried to become invisible, allowing ourselves time to heal and feel safe in the church again. In the meantime, we began working on books and seminars on love. But almost from the start, the pastor began encouraging my husband to go back to pastoring a church. My husband and I talked at length about it, and neither of us felt like that was God's calling on us. The seminars seemed to be the direction we were to go. Time passed, and as we got "pulled" further into the love of this church, more and more people began "pressuring" (all low key) for us to get back into pastoring.
Fast forward a bit more and we come to today. The church is looking for an associate pastor, which is desperately needed. Because we have told the pastor that we don't feel called into a church at this time, he looked at some other people to fill the position, all the time, his heart appears to be on my husband. At this point in time, all we can say is lead where you will, Lord my God. So this week, the pastor, came to my husband and asked him if he would consider being the associate. He told him that if God led that way, he would do it. Special arrangements are even being made so that we can do seminars as well.
We have never been so loved as we are in this church, and I'm not even sure that we are fearful, though we have good reason to be. But we are confused, and long to know God's will in even this. In fact, Sun. I was told that my husband needed to get to know some of the people, I asked if he really thought so, he said, "yes". Basically the meaning was yep, your husband is the one that God is leading us to.
At this point, we simply don't know. Part of us wants to run without looking back, part wants to do anything we can to help. Part of us is afraid that some think too highly of us, another part enjoys the love and encouragement that we are not the evil that others have made us out to be. I guess the point is, how do we know what part is God and what part is us? How do we know when it is God and when it is man? I would not that we decide based on our own desires (it's tempting, in that it would mean a significant raise, close or over poverty line rather than about 1/2 poverty) but that is a terrible reason to take a church, and honestly, I don't even want to know what it pays. We firmly believe, that anyone who is called into the ministry should be willing to live in poverty, but that no church should willfully place a pastor in poverty. So though the money is tempting, we don't want to know how much, that is no reason to take the job. though it would be nice to be a part of a loving body, we still live in fear of all the evil that we have endured at the hands of those who call themselves Christs. How do we reconcile all this, to know, to be quiet long enough to even hear God's voice on this matter?
I don't know, you all, I'm stumped. I don't know how to remove the flesh long enough to hear God's call right now, it's pretty much like a tornado, coming upon us, spinning us out of control. Absorbing us into it's core, and we have had little to no control where it takes us. Now I know that if we say no, we will still be loved, and welcomed, but the bottom line is nothing of ourselves, only God. How do you do that when you are so starved for love that you are on the verge of dieing, and then, you find that life giving love, and it moves you and takes you places you have never been. It sweeps you off your feet, and you begin to feel alive and you long for it and thirst for it, and don't want to let go of it. But somewhere, in the back of your mind and heart, you always question if it is real, or all just a dream and someday you will wake and find yourself either having missed out of what God wanted, or in another nightmare in which you watch the people you love, be beat up for the only one whose love is pure and without bounds.
Ah well, I have talked too long. I would love any advice you all might offer. Sometimes, I feel like I haven't a clue how to follow our Lord and King.
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