In summary, there are many things I have asked my husband to do or not do. He may not lie about them but he either continues to do them or not do them against my wishes, just outright and not in secret.
So you both have things you ask the other not to do. Doing them anyway is independent behavior and will kill the love in the marriage. The two of you need to negotiate in a way that both of you are enthusiastic about the decision on these things. "I"m not enthusiastic about that" is a deal killer. It could be you'd be enthusiastic about him doing some of those things if he did them a different way or at a different time, etc etc etc. If he wants a wife who's in love with him, which is VERY much worth the effort, he'll make sure to not do things that bother you.
Where the controlling dynamic comes in is that you have to endure his independent behaviors and selfish demands or else he punishes you with disrespect.. and then anger to the level that it deters you from doing the things he doesn't want you to do. Since you apparently don't raise an anger outburst to the level it deters his behavior, it feels like he is controlling and you feel like you are not.
Your marriage will be on a slow burn towards a heap of ashes if you two do not fix this dynamic. It doesn't take expensive counseling; it just takes a commitment of marriage - a commitment of extraordinary care towards each other. Without that you have no marriage and you are just managing the slow death of your relationship.
What did you and your husband think of those articles? They describe exactly how my husband and I resolve conflicts in our marriage. In our case, conflicts are an opportunity to show love and care to the other person. When we each have a different desire towards a particular circumstance, we negotiate upfront with our takers. Since we know that nothing will be done without each other's enthusiastic agreement (each of our takers get to win), there aren't any emotional stakes in the brainstorming (or disrespect) and we can discuss options with abandon until we finally hit one we both are enthusiastic about. One of our favorite sayings during our discussions are "this is just throwing mud on the wall, but what about...."
We NEVER discuss the other's ideas or desires in terms of their morality or, lol, stupidity. If it doesn't suit the other person we just say "I"m not enthusiastic about that". No educating each other or moralizing at each other.
After resolving conflict we are usually more in love with each other than before. This is because if you are each ministering to the other's taker, and neither will accept the reluctant acquiescence of the other, by the time the discussion is done, you're enthusiastic about the decision and you experienced the loving care that the other person exercised in order to make sure you are happy with the result.
We've had some tall conflicts to resolve but, using that method, we've never had a fight and we are enjoying the 4th year of honeymoon bliss, in spite of blending a family that had many children between the two of us, including 4 teenagers. Also, after the marriage my husband lost his enthusiasm for a material criteria I had for a marriage so we had to work through what felt to me like an enormous change of terms.
Ok one small example: He continues to mention our lack of intimacy as a problem that I am responsible for.
First problem:
I simply CAN’T feel that loving feeling for someone who treats me as a child...
Nor should you. With the negotiating method I mentioned above you would not feel like a child but like a partner.
Also if part of this is a tendency to educate you, you need to let him know it bothers you each time he starts to do this Educating your spouse is definitely a love buster.
Second problem:
and continues to have a sleep pattern that I believe is part of the problem too. He claims he is a night owl and that it’s a genetic thing (?!). So his bedtime is 2-3 am most days. That means he wakes up at 10:30-11:30 am. This pushes his whole day forward. So by the time he’s finished dinner he often isn’t done working and so he’ll finish that and maybe go to the gym and by the time he is ready to spend time with me or our family, I am spent. ........
..But according to him, our lack of intimacy is all because of me. This is one of so many things where I feel like he’s shifted blame on me... he says he could come to bed with me even though he would get up after I’m asleep but that honesty never happens.
When one partner wants a physical connection, it's up to them to create the conditions for the other person to desire it as well. If he wants more connections but refuses to pursue them within the bounds of your limitations then he doesn't really want it very bad and is just using this to blame and control you. If it meant enough for him to connect with you when you were able to, he'd do it. Rather, he just wants to assert selfish demands that he get what he wants when he wants it regardless of any consideration of you.
It's up to him to create the groundwork for you to not just tolerate but desire it. That means behaving like a person you would love to have connections with. Also, for women to enjoy a physical connection we first need an emotional connection and a prospect of pleasure. His job as a husband is to provide those to you.
What do you think of these articles?
The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he...
How to Overcome Sexual Aversion (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)
..... And I guess this is where the crazy cycle is... we could just keep coming up with reasons why we have a right to do what we want to do because we are being treated unfairly. This is what I don’t want.
So what I've noticed in your posts, which is VERY typical of a spouse who is being abused or controlled, is sin leveling. You are using the word "we" when addressing the issue of being forced to do what you don't want to do.
Often counselors (and pastors) allow the victim to assume blame for her/his reaction as equally as they blame the perpetrators for the perpetration. Usually, the victims are victims because they have earnestly searched their own behaviors looking for what they are doing to contribute to the dynamic and are tender towards making any changes they need to make in order to stop the abuse. This is because victims often are not seeing the 30,000 foot level view to realize they are being abused. They just know they keep doing things that result in painful outcomes (abuse).
Because victims are so eager to change and look for blame in themselves, it's easy for counselors and pastors to deflect to sin leveling to try to help solve the problem. "Perpetrator, you need to stop xyz, but Victim, you need to also stop abc (abc being your behaviors in reaction to xyz)" See how this equalizes the blame, makes it 50/50 and does not focus on getting the perpetrator to stop? Because the victim is only too willing to stop their misery, they try very hard to stop abc. The problem is that abc is the result of xyz, which the Perpetrator now gets to say is all is the victim's fault because of abc...AND he now has cover - provided by the counselor or pastor - to keep doing xyz.... 'cause abc.
Sadly I've seen this dynamic play out many, MANY times. In my work as a lay person volunteer ministering to marriages, I see it so many times that I've stopped recommending people go to their pastor or a counselor. Often counseling causes greater damage to the marriage and pain to the victim. There are good counselors, but it's hard to know that your particular counselor is one of those.
I really love the resources at marriagebuilders.com. The methodology taught there combats this dynamic and successfully creates a foundation for happy marriages. I'd recommend you post at the (free) forum there for specific advice (it will be along the lines of my posts to you) for step by step help prior to seeing a counselor. Sometimes both spouses post so the volunteers there are able to help you out better.
Here is a great article for you about the methodology of saving your marriage:
How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages (Marriage Builders®,...