LovebirdsFlying
My husband drew this cartoon of me.
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- Aug 13, 2007
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My husband and I have been married going on fourteen years. We've both had previous unsuccessful marriages. This is the longest anyone has ever stayed with me, but we've just got a little bit more time to go before we break his previous record as well. He did not make that decision lightly.
When hubby and I were first married, we had a lot more communication issues than we do now. Certain words we said, quite innocently, triggered each other's PTSD. (Both of us have that diagnosis.) We've more recently been communicating much better, learning not to to trigger or be triggered so easily. He tended to be more conflict-avoidant, and as such would shut down at the slightest hint of possible conflict. I had to learn that when he does that, it's not because he's ignoring me or giving me the silent treatment. The problem is, fight-flight-freeze-fawn. He's frozen in place, and he CAN'T respond. The last thing he needs in that situation is me trying to force the discussion. If he sees me getting angry (because I mistakenly believe he's stonewalling), then he's going to feel even more threatened, and that's going to keep the cycle going. I've learned to approach topics more gently, and not take his responses personally. I'm not trying to nag; he's not trying to stonewall.
Hubby has also learned that emotions are OK. He used to refuse to discuss any issue I was upset about, unless we were in the presence of a mental health professional. "I can't handle you when you're like this," he used to say, and hasn't said it in a long time. That was because he honestly couldn't tell the difference between a display of emotion and a psychiatric breakdown. My therapist helped with that. I remember the confusion in hubby's face when I started to cry during a session. He didn't say it, but he was thinking (as he later confirmed) "Um... this is what I mean about how she freaks out. She's doing it right here in front of you. Doesn't she need some kind of intervention?" The therapist had to explain that I wasn't in crisis; I was merely emotional, people cry in his office all the time, and it's normal. Hubby seemed genuinely surprised by this. Now he is more likely to listen to what I'm saying, and not chalk it up to "just the depressive illness talking." I have also learned to present ideas more objectively, knowing that strong emotion will cloud his ability to see it.
What has gotten better over time for you?
When hubby and I were first married, we had a lot more communication issues than we do now. Certain words we said, quite innocently, triggered each other's PTSD. (Both of us have that diagnosis.) We've more recently been communicating much better, learning not to to trigger or be triggered so easily. He tended to be more conflict-avoidant, and as such would shut down at the slightest hint of possible conflict. I had to learn that when he does that, it's not because he's ignoring me or giving me the silent treatment. The problem is, fight-flight-freeze-fawn. He's frozen in place, and he CAN'T respond. The last thing he needs in that situation is me trying to force the discussion. If he sees me getting angry (because I mistakenly believe he's stonewalling), then he's going to feel even more threatened, and that's going to keep the cycle going. I've learned to approach topics more gently, and not take his responses personally. I'm not trying to nag; he's not trying to stonewall.
Hubby has also learned that emotions are OK. He used to refuse to discuss any issue I was upset about, unless we were in the presence of a mental health professional. "I can't handle you when you're like this," he used to say, and hasn't said it in a long time. That was because he honestly couldn't tell the difference between a display of emotion and a psychiatric breakdown. My therapist helped with that. I remember the confusion in hubby's face when I started to cry during a session. He didn't say it, but he was thinking (as he later confirmed) "Um... this is what I mean about how she freaks out. She's doing it right here in front of you. Doesn't she need some kind of intervention?" The therapist had to explain that I wasn't in crisis; I was merely emotional, people cry in his office all the time, and it's normal. Hubby seemed genuinely surprised by this. Now he is more likely to listen to what I'm saying, and not chalk it up to "just the depressive illness talking." I have also learned to present ideas more objectively, knowing that strong emotion will cloud his ability to see it.
What has gotten better over time for you?
