i wish

[Dan the Man]

Dan ... if you are feeling up to it, just hang out here tonight. I expect to be home trying to figure out how to score better on this instructor's exams. I know the crap but am having a hard time with her tests.

thank you for the offer. I guess I was just feeling too down I didn't even get online. how did your studying go?

 

[Dan the Man]

Maybe eventually you might see if he is willing to talk to you. I am sure he carries his share of tormenting memories too. As hard as it is to share, sometimes it really does help when you realize that you aren't the only one with that kind of nightmare and you can find someone you can be very real with. He may not be willing though because burying those memories may be how he has survived all these years. But at some time, you might want to approach him.

yea maybe. ive never asked and he's never talked about it. except for stories about all the shenanigans like we all like to do. if I didn't have him and my aunt I don't know what id do.

 

[Dan the Man]

I wasn't aware of that. I thank Dan for what he endured for the Country and Myself to which I belong .

If Dan is able , with assistance, to get out of bed and be somewhat mobile....maybe he could make it to a Group of People for fellowship . I wonder if there is a National Organization for Christians who are injured Veterans ? Also, I hope Dan has family nearby , or at least some great Christian Friends who could come over and be with him ?

thanks david. I didn't get to do anything today but thank you for the ideas. maybe sometime in the future I can look into those things.

 

[Dan the Man]

I agree that Dan needs a few people to really love him until he is free from the guilt and failure he is feeling.
The best I could do was to offer him a place to welcome him to this message board where I can always reply to his posts with respect. I also pray as you indicate David that someone local can give to him in a way that will help meet his needs.

thank you brother. I appreciate that.

 

[Dan the Man]

Wow Dan blackribbon said everything and more that I was thinking about saying to you.

Can I just add..............You survived for a reason. It wasn't your time to go. It was their time and the circumstances were horrible but our time here on earth is predestined. So whether we die in a car accident, or while at war, or slipping and falling down the stairs, it is what it is and it was just our time. Your time has not yet come. I think God wants you to learn a few things (no I don't know what they are). God loves you enough to give you a chance to learn whatever it is He has in store for you. Maybe it's reconciling with your kids. Maybe it's being able to forgive yourself. IDK, but I do know that if you put your faith and trust in Jesus, He will never leave you or forsake you and NO ONE can snatch you out of His hand and that includes little ol Satan.

Today is Valentine's day and many of us are alone. I too, lost my husband 9 years ago. Haven't even dated since.

So just for today, try being extra nice to your Aunt and Uncle and tell them how much it means that they let you live there and that you love them. And do what blackribbon suggested and write something to your kids even if you can't mail it or get it to them. If you DO die, they will at least know you DID love them, they won't have to wonder.
And just for today, instead of asking God to die and complaining about why you are still here, even if you don't "feel" like it, thank God for allowing you to be here and ask Him what He would have you do? Sometimes we have to say Praise the Lord, even when we don't "feel" like it. I don't know the reason you are still here, but I can guarantee there IS a reason.

I am grateful that you have shared so much with us today. I am SO sorry that you are in despair and everything that you have to deal with. If I was closer, I would visit you and be your friend. Don't give up on people and don't give up on yourself. I am glad you posted today. Remember 1 Peter 4: Above all, love each other deeply, because Love covers a multitude of sins.

We love you Dan

thank you michelle. and my condolences for your loss as well. that has to be really tough. I did make sure to let my aunt and uncle know how much I appreciate them for all they have done for me. I tried to write a letter to my sons but I just couldn't get through it. it made me to sad. but thank you for your nice words and for taking me seriously unlike most people on the rest of this forum.

 

[Dan the Man]

Online live counseling? How unbelievably cool is that?!? I think actually getting my depressed traumatized butt to the office was one of the hardest parts. Not only the drive but trying to tell my story while being surround by a stranger's things.

I wish I had the money to go back from time to time during the harder times now. I do call it "rent a friend" but it is someone who is required by law to keep my secrets and I don't have to listen to their life problems to balance the relationship (as long as you don't threaten to harm someone). Honestly, they will just guide you to solve your own problems...they give you suggestions, but the ultimate decisions are yours to make...whether it is to eat chocolate chip cookies or if you want to try rehab. It is your life to learn how to cope with. I will look up any meds they suggest and let you know what they do and how they work in your body so you can decide for yourself whether or not you can eventually learn to trust them.

Regardless, learning how to deal with the rage that lives inside of you would be a good place to start and won't really be that "personal" because they already know all the details. That rage you are feeling is most likely depression turned on yourself. And it is not weak to admit that you need help every now and then. Isn't that the whole premise of the Marines and being part of the Brotherhood? No man can do it alone...you must work toward the good of the team. Your "team" including your immediate family and your fallen buddies' memories, need you to find a way to fight through this newest battle...and that is EXACTLY what your are facing. So use your new unit...the doctors and therapists to help you win this battle to get back to a place where you can find a reason to live and maybe get your children back in your life.

yes I do not like counseling office. I never in a million years thought I would be in the situation I am in. I aways had a great life, a great loving family and I loved being alive. now I have turned into an unrecongnizable and shameful shell of myself. the VA is not wanting to cover my appointments now because I knocked out a doctor when I was there before. I was just angry and I have a problem controlling that (which has a lot to do with why I cant see my family). maybe I will eventually find a way to do it. I have meds now I just don't take them. I will see if I can find them to tell you the names tomorrow. thank you.

 

[blackribbon]

thank you for the offer. I guess I was just feeling too down I didn't even get online. how did your studying go?

I turned my computer off only about 30 minutes before you signed on today. I think I got some quality work done though. I really hope so because I need to score much higher on the next tests. I'm having to study differently which is scary...but how I have been doing it isn't working. I am smart enough to recognized that...just hoping this new approach better prepares me for this instructors exams.

 

[blackribbon]

yes I do not like counseling office. I never in a million years thought I would be in the situation I am in. I aways had a great life, a great loving family and I loved being alive. now I have turned into an unrecongnizable and shameful shell of myself. the VA is not wanting to cover my appointments now because I knocked out a doctor when I was there before. I was just angry and I have a problem controlling that (which has a lot to do with why I cant see my family). maybe I will eventually find a way to do it. I have meds now I just don't take them. I will see if I can find them to tell you the names tomorrow. thank you.

Don't give up pursuing their help....just be the squeaky VERY CALM wheel that can't be ignored (call every single day) so that they do recognize that you need help and are ready to address it. You dug yourself a pretty deep hole that you will need to crawl out of but trust me, you are not the first very angry Marine that they have had to deal with. You will just have to be persistent and consistently relatively calm to show that you are ready for help now. When you start to feel your blood boil, think of your kids and how you would want to behave in front of them to prove you can be that "old dad". He is still in there...he just has had some pretty heavy weights laid on him that he needs to get strong enough to carry. And that is how grief is....it doesn't really get easier but rather (if you try) you get strong enough to carry the extra baggage....kind of like the beginning of bootcamp to the end of bootcamp. (you are already carrying it...now it is time to learn how to pack that load more efficiently)

I want to suggest a book for you to read. It sounds like an odd pick because the situations are very different but I think it would help you see that although your life is very different now, it still can have value and purpose. Joni by Joni Eareckson Tada . It is an old book and probably very cheap from Amazon, especially if you buy a used one. She was a 16 year old star athlete with the whole world in front of her ... until she dived into a shallow lake and broke her neck high enough she became a wheel chair bound quadriplegic. She thought her life was over but God had other plans and she is one of the most respected Christian leaders out there....very quiet and humble spirited but has a very active life and significantly changes others for the better. Google her to learn more about her. She even got married and learned how to paint...better paintings than I could ever hope to do with 4 fully functioning limbs. She has other books, but her first one talks about the despair she went through and how she wanted to die for a long long time.

 

[Dan the Man]

i just don't thing i have it in me to get on it like that. i guess you have to want it and the thought of dealing with that right now i would rather die. and i cant use the phone very good because my eardrums are blown out and i can olnly hear very little with my left ear and not at all with my right. it is a lost cause. i don't even want my kids to see my like this anyway, i just want them to remember me the way i used to be.
i will see if i can read about that book. thank you.

 

[blackribbon]

You know...you don't have to do it now...just when you are ready and want to. And when you do feel up to it, just sent an email as a reminder that are still wanting help. Monthly would even be good enough. No rush.

But I am going to address the "I don't want my kids to see me like this". You are their DAD...they love you AS IS (well, it is easier when they are not afraid of you). If something happened to one of them that left them less than perfect, how would you feel if they said they didn't want to see you because they wanted you to remember them "before"? Wrong attitude! If you don't chose to make an effort at some time, they will remember you "as you were" but "for some reason you didn't want them anymore". Do you really think that is better?

Dan...you are not the monster that you think you are. When you told us that you slugged your psychiatrist, I actually chuckled because it means you still have some fight in you. No, your actions are not "okay" but honestly, I think that they were nuts if they weren't prepared for your level of anger. I wouldn't expect anything less, honestly.

You need to find your meds. I suspect that they might really help. When I finally swallowed my pride (because I could not figure out how some pills could solve all my problems) and actually took them, I found out they didn't solve my problems but they did help my brain get back to a point where I could deal with them. It took about two weeks, but I started to recognize the person in the mirror again. I even had some pretty inconvenient side effects that I was willing to "live with" because I liked having control of my brain again...but luckily my doctor said that the side effects were not acceptable and the next med worked with no side effects.

Are you doing any form of physical therapy...either professional or even on your own. I suspect that some sort of exercise might both help with the physical issues and help give you a psychological lift. There is nothing quite the same as an adrenaline high. I also know that as a Marine, exercise has been a very central part of your life for a long time. No, it won't be the same as before...but how about seeing what you CAN do? Building up your core muscles ... even by doing the very smallest version of crunches and side crunches might decrease the pain in your back. (I am just stabbing in the dark here).

Okay...forgive me for talking too much...but I believe that you still have something to offer just from our little conversations here. Know that we will take you here "as is" on the good days as well as the bad.

 

[Dan the Man]

You know...you don't have to do it now...just when you are ready and want to. And when you do feel up to it, just sent an email as a reminder that are still wanting help. Monthly would even be good enough. No rush.

But I am going to address the "I don't want my kids to see me like this". You are their DAD...they love you AS IS (well, it is easier when they are not afraid of you). If something happened to one of them that left them less than perfect, how would you feel if they said they didn't want to see you because they wanted you to remember them "before"? Wrong attitude! If you don't chose to make an effort at some time, they will remember you "as you were" but "for some reason you didn't want them anymore". Do you really think that is better?

Dan...you are not the monster that you think you are. When you told us that you slugged your psychiatrist, I actually chuckled because it means you still have some fight in you. No, your actions are not "okay" but honestly, I think that they were nuts if they weren't prepared for your level of anger. I wouldn't expect anything less, honestly.

You need to find your meds. I suspect that they might really help. When I finally swallowed my pride (because I could not figure out how some pills could solve all my problems) and actually took them, I found out they didn't solve my problems but they did help my brain get back to a point where I could deal with them. It took about two weeks, but I started to recognize the person in the mirror again. I even had some pretty inconvenient side effects that I was willing to "live with" because I liked having control of my brain again...but luckily my doctor said that the side effects were not acceptable and the next med worked with no side effects.

Are you doing any form of physical therapy...either professional or even on your own. I suspect that some sort of exercise might both help with the physical issues and help give you a psychological lift. There is nothing quite the same as an adrenaline high. I also know that as a Marine, exercise has been a very central part of your life for a long time. No, it won't be the same as before...but how about seeing what you CAN do? Building up your core muscles ... even by doing the very smallest version of crunches and side crunches might decrease the pain in your back. (I am just stabbing in the dark here).

Okay...forgive me for talking too much...but I believe that you still have something to offer just from our little conversations here. Know that we will take you here "as is" on the good days as well as the bad.

thank you. i am tyring the hardest i can right now but i know i am being selfish and that makes me feel like a dirtbag. idont think its better to not see my kids at all. i know they already think i don't love them and that kills me more than i can even say. i wish their mom would tell them that's not true but she probably just wants them to believe it. guess there is nothing i can do about that so i should stop crying about it.

i don't do physical therapy since i left the convalescent place but i workout sometimes if i can. but i cant work my legs out like i wish i could. the thought of not being albe to walk or run again makes me not want to live. i wish i could have an attitude like that lady in the book you are talking about but she just must have been a much stronger person that me. to me if you have to lay in bed the rest of your life and you don't even have people around who love you and want to spend time with you, why even take up space in this world.
i found the meds i have ...Haloperidol, sertraline, carisoprodol, and fentanyl. i don't take any of it. i hate it all.

 

[trentlogain2]

Dan, you call yourself a loser in your profile. You're not a loser. Are you a Christian?

 

[Dan the Man]

i guess i am a Christian. ive accepted Christ and went to church my whole life up until a few years ago. but i don't know if i was just stupid in believing that stuff all along.

 

[trentlogain2]

What stuff are you referring to?

 

[Dan the Man]

God and everything. i still pray and want to believe but deep down i don't really believe

 

[trentlogain2]

deep down..like in the heart? well that's a problem then because The Bible says "..if we believe with our hearts..." we will saved. the contrary is, well..you've heard.

okay, thanks for sharing your time with me.

 

[Dan the Man]

deep down..like in the heart? well that's a problem then because The Bible says "..if we believe with our hearts..." we will saved. the contrary is, well..you've heard.

okay, thanks for sharing your time with me.

yea. guess i know where i am headed

 

[Dan the Man]

I turned my computer off only about 30 minutes before you signed on today. I think I got some quality work done though. I really hope so because I need to score much higher on the next tests. I'm having to study differently which is scary...but how I have been doing it isn't working. I am smart enough to recognized that...just hoping this new approach better prepares me for this instructors exams.

so you are going to school to be a nurse? how much school do you have left?

 

[CajunQueen]

You are not a monster, Dan. Bless your heart. I will be keeping you and your family in prayer

 

[Javanwarbler]

Hi Dan!

I read about your situation and my heart goes out to you! I will pray for you that things get better, that you have peace about your life, and you can connect with God again
I struggle all the time with depression and negative thinking which i know isn't from God. Just know your thoughts aren't from him either and HE loves you and wants to give you a "hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11. (the actual verse is: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.").Satan wants to bring you down..don't let him win! It sounds like you have a very tender heart underneath all the thoughts that race inside your mind. I go through a similar situation with bad thoughts about life and myself.
Take care!