i wish

[blackribbon]

thanks. I will try to do that for their families. I have done somewhat similar things when I had lost bros in the past. but this time is different. because of my faulty leadership all these men are dead and it is just awkward and excruciating to try to know what to say and not to say. I feel like they would just rather never have to think of or hear from me again.

with my own kids...I have a no contact (including phone, letters, text) restraining order. so theres nothing I can do. but it does break my heart.

I promise you that they would want these and they do think about you...maybe even love you because their husbands/daddies/sons loved you. Start with just the happy memories...and if people reach back, then you might even be add the ones that are a little more "real". Keep the contact to mail ... maybe even tell on the envelope what is inside so that they can open it when they feel strong enough. (Along the back, write..."just a collection of random memories I have about "Bill" that I wanted to share with you"...and don't forget to say that you love him and miss him.

As for your kids...write the letters anyway and just save them. There may come a day when the no contact order is lifted and you can show them that you loved them even when you were not able to make contact. Also, I suspect that actually going to the psychiatrist (no matter how much you hate it) would be a step toward eventually being able to at least have mail contact with your kids.

It sounds like you have some bridges to mend...but I believe that you can do this. There are not weak men in the Marines. You just need to redirect that pride of yours toward healing and way from blaming. It will take time. But if you do die, don't you want to be remembered for at least making the effort. You survived...don't soil your brother's memories by dying for no reason but that you gave up fighting.

 

[Dan the Man]

thank you for taking the time to help me blackribbon

 

[blackribbon]

I don't want the military to give me pills to erase my mind. I know what I did was wrong and people need to know iti is wrong. I don't trust psychiatrists

I doubt that they are trying to do that. I suspect that they are wanting to give you antidepressants and antianxiety drugs....which actually in the end will allow you to think and remember clearer.

How about this? If you have the prescriptions filled, you PM me the meds and I will look them up for you. I am a nursing student about to graduate...one of our primary responsibilities is to understand the medications that doctors order before we give them to a patient so we can recognized side effects. I have a beautiful big drug book that tells me the good and bad of almost every medication that can be prescribed in the US or Canada.

And consider making a commitment to going to the psychiatrist for 6 months...no for your sake, but as an act of love toward getting your children back in your life. That doctor has the power to help you get that restraining order lifted if you take the time to show him that you are not a danger to them and that you want to have a relationship with them.

There...that is your Valentine gift for today. Love your children enough to start taking better care of their dad and commit that your pride will not stand in the way of proving your love to them.

Marines are proud men. But they are also extremely loyal and feel things very deeply or else, they wouldn't have chosen that particular branch of the military. You can do this....even if it is extremely hard. Your kids are worth it.

 

[blackribbon]

Dan.

I will be back later today. There is still life worth living. You are not the monster you feel you are. You are human and human's make mistakes. From what I know about many men/women in the military, there is a good chance you didn't even make an avoidable error in judgment. Life just happened where you were standing and unfortunately, it was a place where people had to die.

 

[Dan the Man]

I doubt that they are trying to do that. I suspect that they are wanting to give you antidepressants and antianxiety drugs....which actually in the end will allow you to think and remember clearer.

How about this? If you have the prescriptions filled, you PM me the meds and I will look them up for you. I am a nursing student about to graduate...one of our primary responsibilities is to understand the medications that doctors order before we give them to a patient so we can recognized side effects. I have a beautiful big drug book that tells me the good and bad of almost every medication that can be prescribed in the US or Canada.

And consider making a commitment to going to the psychiatrist for 6 months...no for your sake, but as an act of love toward getting your children back in your life. That doctor has the power to help you get that restraining order lifted if you take the time to show him that you are not a danger to them and that you want to have a relationship with them.

There...that is your Valentine gift for today. Love your children enough to start taking better care of their dad and commit that your pride will not stand in the way of proving your love to them.

Marines are proud men. But they are also extremely loyal and feel things very deeply or else, they wouldn't have chosen that particular branch of the military. You can do this....even if it is extremely hard. Your kids are worth it.

i have to do the telemed psych because we are 90 miles from any city but i will try to do it. and tell you the meds. thankyou

 

[blackribbon]

And realize that some of the anger is a side effect of the trauma...so keep trying to control it, but don't beat yourself up so much when you fail. Just keep making amends where you need to, and try again. One day at a time...or even one moment at a time..that is good enough.

 

[Dan the Man]

i will try. thank you

 

[blackribbon]

Don't forget to thank your aunt and uncle today for loving you enough to put up with you through these hard times. A simple "Thank you for all that you do for me...I know I am hard to live with right now...but I appreciate you and am going to try to do better from this day forward. Please bare with me on the days I don't do as well as I wish I would. I am a work in progress."

 

[Dan the Man]

yes you are right and a good reminder. my uncle is an old Vietnam vet which is the only reason he was the only one in the family who could handle me. we don't talk much but he gives me a place to stay.

 

[blackribbon]

yes you are right and a good reminder. my uncle is an old Vietnam vet which is the only reason he was the only one in the family who could handle me. we don't talk much but he gives me a place to stay.

Maybe eventually you might see if he is willing to talk to you. I am sure he carries his share of tormenting memories too. As hard as it is to share, sometimes it really does help when you realize that you aren't the only one with that kind of nightmare and you can find someone you can be very real with. He may not be willing though because burying those memories may be how he has survived all these years. But at some time, you might want to approach him.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

I had some to hang out with on valentines day.

With it being on a Friday this year, you should be able to find a Group to hang out with. Call around to a few local larger churches to see if they have any Singles Ministries going on. Also check : Meetup.com for your area . If not, consider dropping into a nursing home and giving out some small gifts with a heart on it that you can purchase from a Dollar Store. It doesn't need to be anything elaborate...and you will bring a smile to Someone else who knows what lonliness is all about.

 

[dayhiker]

David .. Dan is almost bed bound from his war injuries.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

David .. Dan is almost bed bound from his war injuries.

I wasn't aware of that. I thank Dan for what he endured for the Country and Myself to which I belong .

If Dan is able , with assistance, to get out of bed and be somewhat mobile....maybe he could make it to a Group of People for fellowship . I wonder if there is a National Organization for Christians who are injured Veterans ? Also, I hope Dan has family nearby , or at least some great Christian Friends who could come over and be with him ?

 

[blackribbon]

<edited>

 

[dayhiker]

I agree that Dan needs a few people to really love him until he is free from the guilt and failure he is feeling.
The best I could do was to offer him a place to welcome him to this message board where I can always reply to his posts with respect. I also pray as you indicate David that someone local can give to him in a way that will help meet his needs.

 

[blackribbon]

Dan ... if you are feeling up to it, just hang out here tonight. I expect to be home trying to figure out how to score better on this instructor's exams. I know the crap but am having a hard time with her tests.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Wow Dan blackribbon said everything and more that I was thinking about saying to you.

Can I just add..............You survived for a reason. It wasn't your time to go. It was their time and the circumstances were horrible but our time here on earth is predestined. So whether we die in a car accident, or while at war, or slipping and falling down the stairs, it is what it is and it was just our time. Your time has not yet come. I think God wants you to learn a few things (no I don't know what they are). God loves you enough to give you a chance to learn whatever it is He has in store for you. Maybe it's reconciling with your kids. Maybe it's being able to forgive yourself. IDK, but I do know that if you put your faith and trust in Jesus, He will never leave you or forsake you and NO ONE can snatch you out of His hand and that includes little ol Satan.

Today is Valentine's day and many of us are alone. I too, lost my husband 9 years ago. Haven't even dated since.

So just for today, try being extra nice to your Aunt and Uncle and tell them how much it means that they let you live there and that you love them. And do what blackribbon suggested and write something to your kids even if you can't mail it or get it to them. If you DO die, they will at least know you DID love them, they won't have to wonder.
And just for today, instead of asking God to die and complaining about why you are still here, even if you don't "feel" like it, thank God for allowing you to be here and ask Him what He would have you do? Sometimes we have to say Praise the Lord, even when we don't "feel" like it. I don't know the reason you are still here, but I can guarantee there IS a reason.

I am grateful that you have shared so much with us today. I am SO sorry that you are in despair and everything that you have to deal with. If I was closer, I would visit you and be your friend. Don't give up on people and don't give up on yourself. I am glad you posted today. Remember 1 Peter 4: Above all, love each other deeply, because Love covers a multitude of sins.

We love you Dan

 

[blackribbon]

Online live counseling? How unbelievably cool is that?!? I think actually getting my depressed traumatized butt to the office was one of the hardest parts. Not only the drive but trying to tell my story while being surround by a stranger's things.

I wish I had the money to go back from time to time during the harder times now. I do call it "rent a friend" but it is someone who is required by law to keep my secrets and I don't have to listen to their life problems to balance the relationship (as long as you don't threaten to harm someone). Honestly, they will just guide you to solve your own problems...they give you suggestions, but the ultimate decisions are yours to make...whether it is to eat chocolate chip cookies or if you want to try rehab. It is your life to learn how to cope with. I will look up any meds they suggest and let you know what they do and how they work in your body so you can decide for yourself whether or not you can eventually learn to trust them.

Regardless, learning how to deal with the rage that lives inside of you would be a good place to start and won't really be that "personal" because they already know all the details. That rage you are feeling is most likely depression turned on yourself. And it is not weak to admit that you need help every now and then. Isn't that the whole premise of the Marines and being part of the Brotherhood? No man can do it alone...you must work toward the good of the team. Your "team" including your immediate family and your fallen buddies' memories, need you to find a way to fight through this newest battle...and that is EXACTLY what your are facing. So use your new unit...the doctors and therapists to help you win this battle to get back to a place where you can find a reason to live and maybe get your children back in your life.

 

[dayhiker]

I love that verse about love covering a multitude of sins. So few think God will give any grace to those to love but still fall short. But the way I read the Bible its those who love that God gives the most grace to.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I love that verse about love covering a multitude of sins. So few think God will give any grace to those to love but still fall short. But the way I read the Bible its those who love that God gives the most grace to.

Yep I agree!