i wish

[Dan the Man]

No, you are not a murder....you were doing your job. A very difficult job. And not a job that can be done by a weak person. However, the circumstances that brought your injury and the death of your brothers (yes, in the Marines, they are ALL your brothers), would most likely be enough to break the strongest of person's soul.

How long ago was the accident? And I mean that it was an accident...you did not intentionally harm your brothers...at worse, you made an error that allowed the accident to happen. You obviously are grieving very deeply.

it has been about 2 1/2 years. and it will never go away.

 

[blackribbon]

thanks. i went to church my whole life until i began doing work for the devil.
thanks for taking the time to try and help.

This isn't about "going to church"...anymore than having a relationship with a woman is just about going on dates.

This is about talking to God where you are...you are NOT a murder. However, you are choosing to let satan win by saying that God is not big enough to handle your problems.

How bad are your injuries? Are you bedridden or do you just have limited mobility? I guess I am asking, "what CAN you do?"...wheelchair, walker, ???

 

[Dan the Man]

Can I ask you if you are honest in that your brothers' family cannot forgive you or do not love you? Or could it be that you are too proud to let them love you because it is YOU who cannot forgive yourself?

My husband was a Desert Storm veteran. I can tell you I love his buddies like they are family. It was his best friend from those years was my rock when he died of cancer (something we suspect was military related). I love this man because he IS a piece of my husband. Short of me, there was no one in the world that knew him better or loved him more. I would love him even if he had accidently been the cause of his death. (and honestly, from what I know about Marines, you probably couldn't have done anything different even though in your head you wish you could have had that kind of power.) I wonder if you are rejecting people that really have not rejected you.

i have alienated everyone who ever cared about me with my anger and violent words and actions. i lost my wife and kids, my mother and father and everything i ever had. i have tried to communicate to the families of my marines but it is impossible i can not do it. i said i was so sorry and i cant do anything else. threre is nothing i can do to ever make it right. i don't even know where to start. and nobody wants to hear from me anyway to be reminded of what i have done

 

[blackribbon]

it has been about 2 1/2 years. and it will never go away.

You are correct. It will never go away. It will hurt forever because your brothers were people to miss. However, I do know what it feels like to love and lose. If any one of them and survived and you were the one who died, would you want them to live like you are doing (emotionally, I mean). They don't want you to live like this either. I assume that you are suffering from PTSD and survivor's guilt...at the very least. I also suspect that you still have flashbacks that make living today very hard. I had them for a long time after my husband died...and although they were not bloody as yours were, they are just as traumatic in their own way. I remember having them driving down the road and don't know how I arrived at my destinations safely.

Are you getting any psychological treatments and if so, do they help even in the smallest way?

Regardless, this is not going to be an easy road. And no, you will never forget. However, you can make it your goal to take baby steps forward. We never "get over" the loss of a loved ones but we can learn to move forward...and just take their memory with us.

 

[dayhiker]

Dan ... just read your comments from last night. Sorry you went thru that ... war is he ll as the saying goes and its not easy to deal with. I meet two service men last weekend. As much as they were trying to sound normal, war and death was weighing heavy on their soul. I do pray God brings you some comfort.

I was a marine from 70-74. Hi brother.

 

[Dan the Man]

This isn't about "going to church"...anymore than having a relationship with a woman is just about going on dates.

This is about talking to God where you are...you are NOT a murder. However, you are choosing to let satan win by saying that God is not big enough to handle your problems.

How bad are your injuries? Are you bedridden or do you just have limited mobility? I guess I am asking, "what CAN you do?"...wheelchair, walker, ???

nothing anybody can say will ever make me feel like i am not a murderer.
i will never walk again. once in a while i can use a wheelchair if my back can take it. i have used a walker but it will not be something i can do long term. my brain is degenerating and i cant hear. what i can do is write on here when my mind is a little clear and just try to get my feelings across without embarrassing myself like i always do. i had met a nice woman on here but my inner demons came out and chased her away. so now i am completely alone. and all i do is lay here and wish to die every hour of every day.

 

[dayhiker]

Dan .. I hope you stay here and chat with us for a long time. I think most people here will accept you and respect you even with all you have been thru.

 

[dayhiker]

So Dan if I hear your correctly, you sabotaged the relationship you had with the woman from CF?
I was just at a men's meeting and several of the healthy men there said they had sabotaged relationships with woman ... so others do that as well.

 

[Eagle Of Oz]

I may not know what to say, nor will I ever be able to understand what you've been thru, but I agree with dayhiker. Most people here will accept you, and respect you, so stick around and chat, Dan.

 

[blackribbon]

i have alienated everyone who ever cared about me with my anger and violent words and actions. i lost my wife and kids, my mother and father and everything i ever had. i have tried to communicate to the families of my marines but it is impossible i can not do it. i said i was so sorry and i cant do anything else. threre is nothing i can do to ever make it right. i don't even know where to start. and nobody wants to hear from me anyway to be reminded of what i have done

Your anger is understandable and I am sorry that your family can't understand where it is coming from. However, you have to learn to let go of that anger...give it to God...even if it means crying every 4 lettered word you know at Him. Just be open to His love and forgiveness because your anger and hurt and hopelessness are not too big for Him.

It is your anger that you need to make amends for, not the circumstance that you want to blame. And I can make a suggestion on where to start. You may never get your wife back. However, it is time to start bridging the gap with your children. Write them a note every week. It does not have to be long but it does need to be something positive. Tell them a story from your life that is happy or funny or just there (my favorite ones from my dad are probably just things he told off the top of his head and doesn't even remember telling me). Tell them a story about something you remember from their life...or something good you remember about their mother. Do not expect anything in return because it takes time to rebuild broken trust or fear related to outburst of anger....but every kid in the world wants to be loved by their parents...so start loving them unconditionally.

For your brothers, start writing down stories about them for their kids and families. There is a chance that you knew these men better than their families. If you can record even the most mundane details of their lives...down to "he was weird because he would only use Crest toothpaste and would go without brushing if all we had was Colgate". And start compiling this memories together in sort of format to eventually give to the families, you do not understand just how much of a blessing that would be. I often just lay here wondering odd things about my husband and don't have anyone to ask. This could even just be a pile of scrap papers with memories that periodically that you could place in an big envelop and send to the families of your brothers with a simple not that says "I miss him too. Here are a few memories, I'd like to share with you." I can not even to begin to tell you what a blessing that envelope.

 

[Dan the Man]

You are correct. It will never go away. It will hurt forever because your brothers were people to miss. However, I do know what it feels like to love and lose. If any one of them and survived and you were the one who died, would you want them to live like you are doing (emotionally, I mean). They don't want you to live like this either. I assume that you are suffering from PTSD and survivor's guilt...at the very least. I also suspect that you still have flashbacks that make living today very hard. I had them for a long time after my husband died...and although they were not bloody as yours were, they are just as traumatic in their own way. I remember having them driving down the road and don't know how I arrived at my destinations safely.

Are you getting any psychological treatments and if so, do they help even in the smallest way?

Regardless, this is not going to be an easy road. And no, you will never forget. However, you can make it your goal to take baby steps forward. We never "get over" the loss of a loved ones but we can learn to move forward...and just take their memory with us.

I don't take pills because they are trying to mind control me. and the pyshiatrists didn't help at all. it just made me angry to go there.if it wasn't for the loneliness that makes it unbearable and the fact I haven't slept in ages, I would just lay here in bed and sleep the rest of my life away. it seems to be the best option at this point.

 

[Dan the Man]

thank you dayhiker. semper fi bro. yes I suppose I did sabotage that relationship. even though she was a sweet lady who really seemed to care about me. I don't know why.

 

[blackribbon]

Many men sabotoge relationships...my husband tried to do that. Why would he do things he knew would hurt me when I knew he loved me so much? After he died, I got to see a different side of him and realized that I was the only woman in his life that never walked out on him or betrayed him. I have come to the conclusion that he was testing me from time to time to see if I would leave too...maybe he didn't feel worthy of being loved?

We were constant companions for the last month of his life. I am grateful that most of those memories are him looking at me adoringly and not the angry outburst that had to come from a place of being almost bedridden and feeling helpless. We loved him "as is" and I am so grateful that he realized it and was willing to fight to live even if his life had been very limited and dependent on us. I would have proudly pushed a wheelchair on to every single ballfield to have someone to watch our kids play ball with today.

 

[Dan the Man]

I may not know what to say, nor will I ever be able to understand what you've been thru, but I agree with dayhiker. Most people here will accept you, and respect you, so stick around and chat, Dan.

thank you that means a lot. up until now nobody except a couple of the guys at the mens forum wanted anything to do with me. you seem like nice people.

 

[blackribbon]

I don't take pills because they are trying to mind control me. and the pyshiatrists didn't help at all. it just made me angry to go there.if it wasn't for the loneliness that makes it unbearable and the fact I haven't slept in ages, I would just lay here in bed and sleep the rest of my life away. it seems to be the best option at this point.

Why won't you talk the medicines that will allow your mind to heal? I had to humble myself and take them. Amazingly enough, over time, they worked...and I was able to start functioning again. However, it takes several weeks for them to become therapeutic and you might have to experiment to figure out which ones give you the least amount of side effects.

They are not mind-altering...but rather they help your brain chemistry to move back toward "normal" so that the brain can actually start to heal.

And I remember being very angry at the psychiatrist too...but did you give it a chance or did you quit pretty quickly? I suspect that you aren't the only one he/she has that is very angry at the world. If they didn't quit you, then don't quit them. What do you have to lose that you haven't already lost?

As for your family, I don't blame them for being angry at you for giving up on living. For some reason, you did live...and yet, you have chosen to exist as though you already died.

 

[Dan the Man]

Your anger is understandable and I am sorry that your family can't understand where it is coming from. However, you have to learn to let go of that anger...give it to God...even if it means crying every 4 lettered word you know at Him. Just be open to His love and forgiveness because your anger and hurt and hopelessness are not too big for Him.

It is your anger that you need to make amends for, not the circumstance that you want to blame. And I can make a suggestion on where to start. You may never get your wife back. However, it is time to start bridging the gap with your children. Write them a note every week. It does not have to be long but it does need to be something positive. Tell them a story from your life that is happy or funny or just there (my favorite ones from my dad are probably just things he told off the top of his head and doesn't even remember telling me). Tell them a story about something you remember from their life...or something good you remember about their mother. Do not expect anything in return because it takes time to rebuild broken trust or fear related to outburst of anger....but every kid in the world wants to be loved by their parents...so start loving them unconditionally.

For your brothers, start writing down stories about them for their kids and families. There is a chance that you knew these men better than their families. If you can record even the most mundane details of their lives...down to "he was weird because he would only use Crest toothpaste and would go without brushing if all we had was Colgate". And start compiling this memories together in sort of format to eventually give to the families, you do not understand just how much of a blessing that would be. I often just lay here wondering odd things about my husband and don't have anyone to ask. This could even just be a pile of scrap papers with memories that periodically that you could place in an big envelop and send to the families of your brothers with a simple not that says "I miss him too. Here are a few memories, I'd like to share with you." I can not even to begin to tell you what a blessing that envelope.

thanks. I will try to do that for their families. I have done somewhat similar things when I had lost bros in the past. but this time is different. because of my faulty leadership all these men are dead and it is just awkward and excruciating to try to know what to say and not to say. I feel like they would just rather never have to think of or hear from me again.

with my own kids...I have a no contact (including phone, letters, text) restraining order. so theres nothing I can do. but it does break my heart.

 

[Dan the Man]

Many men sabotoge relationships...my husband tried to do that. Why would he do things he knew would hurt me when I knew he loved me so much? After he died, I got to see a different side of him and realized that I was the only woman in his life that never walked out on him or betrayed him. I have come to the conclusion that he was testing me from time to time to see if I would leave too...maybe he didn't feel worthy of being loved?

We were constant companions for the last month of his life. I am grateful that most of those memories are him looking at me adoringly and not the angry outburst that had to come from a place of being almost bedridden and feeling helpless. We loved him "as is" and I am so grateful that he realized it and was willing to fight to live even if his life had been very limited and dependent on us. I would have proudly pushed a wheelchair on to every single ballfield to have someone to watch our kids play ball with today.

I guess that can make perfect sense. I never thought if it like that before. maybe because my wife left me after so many years of marriage I was doing that to see if this one would always be there for me. but I guess I took it too far and tahts sad. sounds like yu and your husband had a really special relationship and im sorry you had to lose him.

 

[blackribbon]

I have to go for right now. I doubt that a single person on this board would look at you as a monster or a murder. I don't. I admire the fact that you wore a Marine uniform to defend my right to live here freely. The unfortunate part of being a soldier...and particularly an infantry man, is that it is your job to kill other people. And the fact that it may eventually eats at your soul, is understandable. However, you are NOT a murder. The Bible makes a big distinction. The Old Testament is full of war stories where people die. I am going to attach a link to my favorite online Bible resource. I have set it to Genesis 1. Click on the speaker and set it for continuous play and close your eyes and just listen to the story that is in the Bible be told to you. I bet it isn't anything like what your remember from church. God loves you just as you are. Let Him start to heal your very broken soul.

Genesis 1 NIV - The Beginning - In the beginning God - Bible Gateway

 

[Dan the Man]

Why won't you talk the medicines that will allow your mind to heal? I had to humble myself and take them. Amazingly enough, over time, they worked...and I was able to start functioning again. However, it takes several weeks for them to become therapeutic and you might have to experiment to figure out which ones give you the least amount of side effects.

They are not mind-altering...but rather they help your brain chemistry to move back toward "normal" so that the brain can actually start to heal.

And I remember being very angry at the psychiatrist too...but did you give it a chance or did you quit pretty quickly? I suspect that you aren't the only one he/she has that is very angry at the world. If they didn't quit you, then don't quit them. What do you have to lose that you haven't already lost?

As for your family, I don't blame them for being angry at you for giving up on living. For some reason, you did live...and yet, you have chosen to exist as though you already died.

I don't want the military to give me pills to erase my mind. I know what I did was wrong and people need to know iti is wrong. I don't trust psychiatrists

 

[Dan the Man]

I have to go for right now. I doubt that a single person on this board would look at you as a monster or a murder. I don't. I admire the fact that you wore a Marine uniform to defend my right to live here freely. The unfortunate part of being a soldier...and particularly an infantry man, is that it is your job to kill other people. And the fact that it may eventually eats at your soul, is understandable. However, you are NOT a murder. The Bible makes a big distinction. The Old Testament is full of war stories where people die. I am going to attach a link to my favorite online Bible resource. I have set it to Genesis 1. Click on the speaker and set it for continuous play and close your eyes and just listen to the story that is in the Bible be told to you. I bet it isn't anything like what your remember from church. God loves you just as you are. Let Him start to heal your very broken soul.

Genesis 1 NIV - The Beginning - In the beginning God - Bible Gateway

I have to read the text I have hardly any hearing