I need help

[Blessed Each Day]

I like what @Mari17 suggested: "A good rule of thumb to use is to not to make any decision unless you KNOW OCD is not playing a part. If you're trying to figure out whether or not it's OCD, treat it as OCD. The hard thing with OCD is that we have to risk "disobeying God" (which really turns out to be just disobeying OCD, but at the time it feels like disobeying God) in order to say no to the OCD and get better. You won't get victory over OCD until you first wade through the anxiety that comes with saying no to it. It stinks, but that's the way it is."

I think that's great advice! I pray that God gives you clarity to discern the OCD from the genuine, and relief when it makes you very anxious. In my opinion, a vow made from OCD isn't a vow. It's like someone forcing you to sign a contract; it's not valid. Keep practicing @Mari17's tips for it to get better

 

[~Ivy~]

Also feelings that I have made an if then kind of thing have popped into my head and that if I do this thing (currently eating a hamburger which sucks cause I'd really like to eat this hamburger) then I have to make a vow or something. And it really feels like that and it sucks cause I haven't even said anything (sometimes parts of an if then statement pop into my head though). I think this is just OCD but I'm really apprehensive to try to eat this hamburger lol. I've only said stuff in my subconscious i guess and it feels so strong but I haven't said anything in the front of my mind though lol. I just don't want an idea to pop into my head and I accept it as a vow or something like that aghhhhh. :o cause when I ignore ideas it feels like I've made them into vows and I mean them.

 

[~Ivy~]

I like what @Mari17 suggested: "A good rule of thumb to use is to not to make any decision unless you KNOW OCD is not playing a part. If you're trying to figure out whether or not it's OCD, treat it as OCD. The hard thing with OCD is that we have to risk "disobeying God" (which really turns out to be just disobeying OCD, but at the time it feels like disobeying God) in order to say no to the OCD and get better. You won't get victory over OCD until you first wade through the anxiety that comes with saying no to it. It stinks, but that's the way it is."

I think that's great advice! I pray that God gives you clarity to discern the OCD from the genuine, and relief when it makes you very anxious. In my opinion, a vow made from OCD isn't a vow. It's like someone forcing you to sign a contract; it's not valid. Keep practicing @Mari17's tips for it to get better

I will try to do what @Mari17 says It's so painful and it always feels like there's a chance that I'm actually making a vow and not just ignoring and saying it's nothing.

 

[Blessed Each Day]

Yep, that sounds like OCD trying desperately to pop up, so treat it like a whack-a-mole and smack it back out of the way. Remember you can say explicitly (not unconsciously), "If I do this, I will do this." and it still won't count if it's OCD, because OCD isn't just unconscious thought, it's usually quite explicitly-expressed thoughts. Because of this, that "vow" that you made is void, and you haven't angered God, He knows what you're going through. Just remember, "Sorry Lord, that was the OCD that got through." It happens, but don't be swayed by the litany of OCD-driven thoughts, and even if you are, just remember, it happens! Use the techniques to recognize the OCD and remember it for future use when it tries the same disguise to get through your mind.

 

[~Ivy~]

So my OCD keeps telling me I should take the vow of celibacy because I have OCD and it is better for me not to marry anyone. I then tell myself that with God all things are possible and I may overcome this OCD with God yet. OCD of course tells me that will never happen, and that I'm not strong enough with God. I also tell myself that if someone knows that I have OCD and they want to marry me I should let them because it is like marrying someone with sin. But then OCD says that fallen people marrying each other is not the same because in my situation one person may not have OCD or a mental condition. Idk what to do because i feel like OCD is winning and i can't convince myself that I shouldn't take the vow. I just don't want to. But what if OCD convinces me saying that for the greater good you should.

 

[Blessed Each Day]

Ohh, you think because you have OCD, you're not good enough to marry anyone? That's the OCD talking. I have OCD, and I have every intention of getting married in the future. You think because you have OCD, that you're not normal, and that someone shouldn't want to marry you unless they themselves have OCD or a similar condition? That's absurd! Just because you have OCD doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't get married AT ALL. I mean that. AT. ALL. Many people with OCD live happy lives with their loved ones. Don't let your thoughts bog that down, just work with the techniques to kick those thoughts to the curb!

 

[Mari17]

Hi Ivy, thanks for reaching out again - I've been wondering how you are doing! You mentioned having a new worry - OCD often switches themes, especially as you start to overcome one. That's because it wants you to have something to worry about. It doesn't care what, as long as there's something, so it will keep switching to new ones as you feel like you have "solved" old ones. Yes, if you ignore the thoughts it will feel like you are giving into them. That's the whole point - you have to NOT fight against the thoughts, because they don't mean anything (even though they feel like they do). The only way to get the message to your brain that they are meaningless thoughts, is to treat them like they are. That means doing what you know in your head to be true (ignoring the OCD thoughts), no matter how you feel. You're teaching your brain that your feelings of anxiety are not correct. You have the right idea when you say that "It's so painful and it always feels like there's a chance that I'm actually making a vow and not just ignoring and saying it's nothing." Yep, that's what fighting OCD is all about. That's WHY it is so painful - because we feel, so badly, like we're doing something wrong. That's how you know you're fighting OCD effectively - because you're letting yourself get anxious, and you're not doing anything (compulsions) to stop it. I've read all your latest posts, and I can see that the OCD keeps trying to come up with new arguments to entrap you ("What about this situation? But what if I...?") All OCD. And it will continue to come up with new angles on your obsession, so just try to expect it! No matter what new argument it comes up with, the key to fighting it is the same. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Don't cancel out the thoughts or try to drive them away. If you're brave enough, you can even face up to the OCD. "Yeah, maybe I did make a vow! Now I have to stay single forever! What a horrible life I'm going to have!" Exaggeration and humor can sometimes help. Tell your OCD the same things it's trying to tell you. Beat it to the punch, so to speak. If you're feeling REALLY brave, you can even purposely make yourself anxious (this is called a planned exposure). Write a little story about how you made a vow by accident, by a subconscious thought, and now God is going to hold you to it, and you're going to have a terrible oppressed life of not being able to marry or do any of the things you love. Make it dramatic, and read it to yourself over and over every day. The idea is to get your anxiety level to rise, then when it goes down to about half of what it was when you started reading the story, you stop. Then you repeat it again the next day (or later the same day if you want - the more the better!). This is not something you have to do, but this is the type of "homework" you would be given if you went to ERP therapy, so you can try it out for yourself if you want. Just keep in mind that I am NOT a doctor and I've never been to therapy myself, so this is just information that I've learned. I might not even be remembering it correctly so please be sure to research it for yourself as well. Here's a great article about doing ERP on your thoughts. I highly recommend that you read it, as it explains it much better than I can! Managing the Haunting Thoughts of Pure O – OCD

 

[Mari17]

OK, I feel like I put a lot of info in my last post so I'm going to try to summarize here. First, a note: OCD will always make you over-analyze your thoughts and feelings, so that it feels like your subconscious is vowing things, or that you "want" to do something (e.g. vow) when you really don't, etc. It's like you're magnifying every thought and feeling until it's so out of proportion that you can't see it correctly. You're hyper-analyzing, instead of trusting your instinct that you really don't want to do these things, and are not doing them. So, all of that is OCD as well. Unless you 100% KNOW that you vowed something, you didn't. (And now your OCD will come up with all sorts of doubts about that too: e.g. "What if I did know that I vowed something?" etc. Ignore all that too!!).

So, the summary:
1. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore..................every time, for as long as it takes.
2. Let the thoughts be. No blocking. No telling God you didn't mean it, or counter-praying. (Because you didn't mean it in the first place - your brain just doesn't know that yet!) Just be as neutral and nonchalant as you can. IT WILL HURT. IT WILL FEEL WRONG. Think of every stab of pain and anxiety you feel as a step toward getting better.
3. No compulsions. Keep doing everything OCD is telling you not to do. Eat that hamburger. Get married. (Well, maybe not yet!) Let the OCD make you anxious. YOU are in control - not the OCD! You can still choose to act against it, even, if it's making you afraid!

And, if you want, you can try planned exposures like I mentioned in the previous post. It's probably easier to do them with the guidance of a therapist, but it's definitely possible to do on your own. But AT LEAST do these first three steps!

 

[bscott915]

Thank youuuuu!!!! I am going to go read your other post a second time more thoroughly. The reason why I worry if that video is a sign is because I just began worrying tonight about making a vow to become a nun and right after beginning that, my friend sent that video. I don't know; maybe it was sent because it partly caused me to start an account and post on this forum and everyone replying has been very helpful already. I'm kind of worrying whether God wants me to take the vow because of the video; could it be a sign, or a coincidence, or was it just there so I would make this account-- I don't know. How would someone know if something was a coincidence or a sign from God?
Also, I've OCDed about a ton of other things but those thing fade more when I OCD more about something else even though I still do OCD about those other things. Also, I will just worry that I'm going to OCD about something (like vowing to become a nun) and then that will lead to OCDing about the very thing I didn't want to OCD and the more I try not to think about that thing, the more I think about it.

Just made another long post

 

[~Ivy~]

Hi Ivy, thanks for reaching out again - I've been wondering how you are doing! You mentioned having a new worry - OCD often switches themes, especially as you start to overcome one. That's because it wants you to have something to worry about. It doesn't care what, as long as there's something, so it will keep switching to new ones as you feel like you have "solved" old ones. Yes, if you ignore the thoughts it will feel like you are giving into them. That's the whole point - you have to NOT fight against the thoughts, because they don't mean anything (even though they feel like they do). The only way to get the message to your brain that they are meaningless thoughts, is to treat them like they are. That means doing what you know in your head to be true (ignoring the OCD thoughts), no matter how you feel. You're teaching your brain that your feelings of anxiety are not correct. You have the right idea when you say that "It's so painful and it always feels like there's a chance that I'm actually making a vow and not just ignoring and saying it's nothing." Yep, that's what fighting OCD is all about. That's WHY it is so painful - because we feel, so badly, like we're doing something wrong. That's how you know you're fighting OCD effectively - because you're letting yourself get anxious, and you're not doing anything (compulsions) to stop it. I've read all your latest posts, and I can see that the OCD keeps trying to come up with new arguments to entrap you ("What about this situation? But what if I...?") All OCD. And it will continue to come up with new angles on your obsession, so just try to expect it! No matter what new argument it comes up with, the key to fighting it is the same. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Don't cancel out the thoughts or try to drive them away. If you're brave enough, you can even face up to the OCD. "Yeah, maybe I did make a vow! Now I have to stay single forever! What a horrible life I'm going to have!" Exaggeration and humor can sometimes help. Tell your OCD the same things it's trying to tell you. Beat it to the punch, so to speak. If you're feeling REALLY brave, you can even purposely make yourself anxious (this is called a planned exposure). Write a little story about how you made a vow by accident, by a subconscious thought, and now God is going to hold you to it, and you're going to have a terrible oppressed life of not being able to marry or do any of the things you love. Make it dramatic, and read it to yourself over and over every day. The idea is to get your anxiety level to rise, then when it goes down to about half of what it was when you started reading the story, you stop. Then you repeat it again the next day (or later the same day if you want - the more the better!). This is not something you have to do, but this is the type of "homework" you would be given if you went to ERP therapy, so you can try it out for yourself if you want. Just keep in mind that I am NOT a doctor and I've never been to therapy myself, so this is just information that I've learned. I might not even be remembering it correctly so please be sure to research it for yourself as well. Here's a great article about doing ERP on your thoughts. I highly recommend that you read it, as it explains it much better than I can! Managing the Haunting Thoughts of Pure O – OCD

Thank you so so so much You're the best and so is @Blessed Each Day Ignoring thoughts was going well until all these things happened today. I don't have time right now to type it all out but I think it will all be okay anyway. I'll try to type it all out after school and after homework if I have time

 

[bscott915]

Hi! I just wanted to agree with Mari17 in everything she said! I have had OCD since childhood and what you are experiencing is typical OCD. About the nun video, when I had my first child, I was in the hospital and my husband came in with our daughter from the nursery and told me they almost brought another baby to him because there were two newborns in the nursery with our last name. When he told me that, I began having a severe bout of OCD what if's. My husband and the nurses double checked our daughter's wristband with my husband's and verified everything. The other baby may have even been a boy, I don't even know. All I know is my mind took off with the thought "what if they switched my baby with the other one?" My husband had video recorded our daughter's birth and she was the spitting image of my husband. Everyone said that. Still, even after we were home with our baby, I kept watching the video, staring at my daughter and her newborn picture comparing them to my husband's picture, going over all the things from the hospital, our wristband id's, her birth info, etc. I couldn't see clearly what everyone else could see. Right in the midst of this frenzy of me looking through photos, info, etc. My dad, who we lived with then, came in the room and said "hey, there's a good movie on called Switched At Birth! Can you imagine my fear when he said that?? I just knew it must be a sign! Anyway, to wrap this up, I finally stopped fighting with the thoughts and just trusted that there was enough evidence for me to relax and enjoy my daughter. Once I did that, it became crystal clear she was mine all along. My point is, who knows why my dad had to mention that movie at that time, but like Mari17 said, our minds are so sensitive to a particular topic when we are in our OCD, that we fixate on things we normally wouldn't. I hope that helps. Don't worry about the video. God gives us guidance from His Word, and doesn't expect us to figure out these random occurrences. He makes His will clear.

 

[~Ivy~]

Hi! I just wanted to agree with Mari17 in everything she said! I have had OCD since childhood and what you are experiencing is typical OCD. About the nun video, when I had my first child, I was in the hospital and my husband came in with our daughter from the nursery and told me they almost brought another baby to him because there were two newborns in the nursery with our last name. When he told me that, I began having a severe bout of OCD what if's. My husband and the nurses double checked our daughter's wristband with my husband's and verified everything. The other baby may have even been a boy, I don't even know. All I know is my mind took off with the thought "what if they switched my baby with the other one?" My husband had video recorded our daughter's birth and she was the spitting image of my husband. Everyone said that. Still, even after we were home with our baby, I kept watching the video, staring at my daughter and her newborn picture comparing them to my husband's picture, going over all the things from the hospital, our wristband id's, her birth info, etc. I couldn't see clearly what everyone else could see. Right in the midst of this frenzy of me looking through photos, info, etc. My dad, who we lived with then, came in the room and said "hey, there's a good movie on called Switched At Birth! Can you imagine my fear when he said that?? I just knew it must be a sign! Anyway, to wrap this up, I finally stopped fighting with the thoughts and just trusted that there was enough evidence for me to relax and enjoy my daughter. Once I did that, it became crystal clear she was mine all along. My point is, who knows why my dad had to mention that movie at that time, but like Mari17 said, our minds are so sensitive to a particular topic when we are in our OCD, that we fixate on things we normally wouldn't. I hope that helps. Don't worry about the video. God gives us guidance from His Word, and doesn't expect us to figure out these random occurrences. He makes His will clear.

Thank you so much for your story! It assures me even more that God isn't calling me to become a nun Haha I always go back to the video sometimes and worry a little but I'll try not to now Thank youuuuuu and praying for you and your OCD. God bless you

 

[bscott915]

Thank you so much for your story! It assures me even more that God isn't calling me to become a nun Haha I always go back to the video sometimes and worry a little but I'll try not to now Thank youuuuuu and praying for you and your OCD. God bless you

You're very welcome! Hang in there! This is no fun but there is hope!! Praying for you and God bless you as well!

 

[Subaru17]

Hi Ivy,

Just wanted to say that you should definitely take @Mari17 's advice.

I also want you to know that you are definitely not alone in your OCD and actually your own OCD story is very similar to mine.

I just also want to say that while taking on OCD with a spiritual strategy can definitely be effective it should also be used in conjunction with professional medical help. OCD is after all a diagnoseable mental disorder and is often tied to chemical imbalance in the brain.

I know that you will want to reason away your fears or obsessions, but that OCD will just keep twisting and twisting to find new ways to attack your newfound peace.

The only way to defeat it is to do as @Mari17 says

" So, the summary:
1. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore..................every time, for as long as it takes.
2. Let the thoughts be. No blocking. No telling God you didn't mean it, or counter-praying. (Because you didn't mean it in the first place - your brain just doesn't know that yet!) Just be as neutral and nonchalant as you can. IT WILL HURT. IT WILL FEEL WRONG. Think of every stab of pain and anxiety you feel as a step toward getting better.
3. No compulsions. Keep doing everything OCD is telling you not to do. Eat that hamburger. Get married. (Well, maybe not yet!) Let the OCD make you anxious. YOU are in control - not the OCD! You can still choose to act against it, even, if it's making you afraid! "

It is important to get help, and hit the OCD fast and hard.

I was uncomfortable taking on my OCD for a long time and as a result did more damage to my spiritual life and my life in general. (making countervows to vows that I thought were legitimate, making countervows to be forgiven for being the anti-christ or for blaspeming)

As a result my life is stuck in permanent limbo, for now.

Anyway this is somewhat disjointed, but I would say.

1. Listen to those on these forums who have gone through and experienced many of the same things.
2. Find someone at your church to confide in (who understands mental illness) or a local christian counselor
3. Consider getting psychiatric help if you find that OCD is in anyway spreading to other areas of your life or is bringing down your quality of life as a whole.

and understand this

1. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

 

[~Ivy~]

Hi!! So ignoring my thoughts is really helpful already and I feel more peace. but sometimes I still fall into places where I do compulsions. :o What is the difference between a vow that we don't mean (never was a vow) and a vow that we don't intend to keep? I was scrolling through my snapchat memories (photos) and then my brain said that I had to find this picture in five seconds otherwise I will make a vow of celibacy. And then I went through with it (compulsion to prevent a vow) and tried to find that photo in five seconds and I don't know if I did or not --also I had more free choice in this; perhaps it was a habit and also perhaps out of fear or "just in case". Now I know I did not actually mean I would make the vow if I didn't find that photo is five seconds but was that "vow" ever a vow or was it a vow that I didn't intend to keep. :o what's the difference? :o Anyways now I feel like I have to make the vow but I think I'm going to try to hold off :o

 

[~Ivy~]

Hi Ivy,

Just wanted to say that you should definitely take @Mari17 's advice.

I also want you to know that you are definitely not alone in your OCD and actually your own OCD story is very similar to mine.

I just also want to say that while taking on OCD with a spiritual strategy can definitely be effective it should also be used in conjunction with professional medical help. OCD is after all a diagnoseable mental disorder and is often tied to chemical imbalance in the brain.

I know that you will want to reason away your fears or obsessions, but that OCD will just keep twisting and twisting to find new ways to attack your newfound peace.

The only way to defeat it is to do as @Mari17 says

" So, the summary:
1. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore..................every time, for as long as it takes.
2. Let the thoughts be. No blocking. No telling God you didn't mean it, or counter-praying. (Because you didn't mean it in the first place - your brain just doesn't know that yet!) Just be as neutral and nonchalant as you can. IT WILL HURT. IT WILL FEEL WRONG. Think of every stab of pain and anxiety you feel as a step toward getting better.
3. No compulsions. Keep doing everything OCD is telling you not to do. Eat that hamburger. Get married. (Well, maybe not yet!) Let the OCD make you anxious. YOU are in control - not the OCD! You can still choose to act against it, even, if it's making you afraid! "

It is important to get help, and hit the OCD fast and hard.

I was uncomfortable taking on my OCD for a long time and as a result did more damage to my spiritual life and my life in general. (making countervows to vows that I thought were legitimate, making countervows to be forgiven for being the anti-christ or for blaspeming)

As a result my life is stuck in permanent limbo, for now.

Anyway this is somewhat disjointed, but I would say.

1. Listen to those on these forums who have gone through and experienced many of the same things.
2. Find someone at your church to confide in (who understands mental illness) or a local christian counselor
3. Consider getting psychiatric help if you find that OCD is in anyway spreading to other areas of your life or is bringing down your quality of life as a whole.

and understand this

1. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Thank you so much!! I'm taking Mari's advice and it's working pretty well. I still fall into some compulsions and fear and stuff but it's getting better. I will try to take your advice too! And I will try to alway remember that all the punishments for my sins and failings is all paid for already. Praying for victory over OCD and a great future for you.

 

[Mari17]

Hi!! So ignoring my thoughts is really helpful already and I feel more peace. but sometimes I still fall into places where I do compulsions. What is the difference between a vow that we don't mean (never was a vow) and a vow that we don't intend to keep? I was scrolling through my snapchat memories (photos) and then my brain said that I had to find this picture in five seconds otherwise I will make a vow of celibacy. And then I went through with it (compulsion to prevent a vow) and tried to find that photo in five seconds and I don't know if I did or not --also I had more free choice in this; perhaps it was a habit and also perhaps out of fear or "just in case". Now I know I did not actually mean I would make the vow if I didn't find that photo is five seconds but was that "vow" ever a vow or was it a vow that I didn't intend to keep. what's the difference? Anyways now I feel like I have to make the vow but I think I'm going to try to hold off

So excited to hear that you're having some victory! All I can say in response to this, is that your brain will continue to try to confuse you, and to come up with questions of "Is this a vow? Well, what about in this case?" The truth is that none of it matters, because you are not making vows, even though you feel like you are. Your brain is hyper-focusing on what it is doing, and making you think that different thoughts/feelings you have are you purposely making vows. Let me tell you, a true vow feels WAY different. Unless you know, 100% with no doubt, that you have made a vow, you have not made one. Warning: your brain will even try to doubt that! That's why, with OCD, we have to train our brains that we can never know something with complete certainty. You're trying to convince yourself that you haven't made a vow, and aren't going to make one. But the more you try to convince yourself, the more reasons OCD will come up with to make you afraid that you did make one. That's why you have to use reverse psychology. You have to face the fear and tell OCD: "Well, maybe I have made a vow. Guess I have an awful life ahead of me. Too bad." And move on with your life. It's really, truly, like dealing with a person who's trying to provoke you. The more you cower in fear, the more they delight in antagonizing you, and the meaner they'll get. BUT the more unafraid and nonchalant you act, the less satisfied they are, and the sooner their attacks will stop. It's so weird how it works, but try picturing OCD as that super fierce looking but actually cowardly bully in your head. Then treat him the same way you would a real bully!

 

[~Ivy~]

Hi so this is really scaring me: I want to one day have children and Lord willing, will. But today has probably been one ord the worst days; I want to have children but I don't know if my brain is numbing me or something because it feels like I just don't care if I make a vow not to have children or something which scares me.

Also, feelings of wanting to take the vow or feelings that I have made a vow are really really strong and it's scary. Like haha today for the astros game, a thought came into my mind and I didn't even completely think it but the idea was this: If the Astros win the baseball game then I will not vow to not have children and if they lose then I will vow not to have children. I promptly said that even if they won or lost I'm not going to make that vow, Lord willing; and i said that many times but it almost felt like temptation: like something within me was trying and wanting to make that vow; like a split will, like it wanted to take a chance. I almost never take chances and I'm not usually foolish enough to do that; like no! And so it scares me because I feel like I have a split will now. I'll say no I don't want to do that, and I don't; but something within me is like Yes you do; the feelings are really really extremely strong when I have a lot of anxiety; sometimes I don't even know how much anxiety I have and then I'll get up from sitting haveing an anxiety attack and I'll realize how much anxiety I have.

But even when I have less anxiety sometimes I'll feel less interested in having children and not as against not having children. But then the next moment I'll really want to have children one day; I feel like OCD is numbing my desires or something and it scares me cause now I feel like all I have is my will which feels split or is secretly wanting to not have children or something or wanting to take chances. Like all I have now is my voice, and a kind of will? Like I say no you don't want that! and anxiety is there and it's just all so confusing. I just don't understand.

I guess ignore these feelings too? I can't even trust my desires or feelings or anything; this is what it felt like with my hocd and my violent thoughts; and now I'm having less of those. Even they are still there sometimes. I'm scared that I'm going to want to vow it or I that I am wanting take a random risk or that I am wanting to vow it. Do I secretly do or something? Like I don't want to because it's not reasonable at all, I need to plan for the future, I want (or used to want as OCD tells me) children, and I'm pretty sure that I will want to have children. Help!

 

[gloriousday2006]

Hi so this is really scaring me: I want to one day have children and Lord willing, will. But today has probably been one ord the worst days; I want to have children but I don't know if my brain is numbing me or something because it feels like I just don't care if I make a vow not to have children or something which scares me.

Also, feelings of wanting to take the vow or feelings that I have made a vow are really really strong and it's scary. Like haha today for the astros game, a thought came into my mind and I didn't even completely think it but the idea was this: If the Astros win the baseball game then I will not vow to not have children and if they lose then I will vow not to have children. I promptly said that even if they won or lost I'm not going to make that vow, Lord willing; and i said that many times but it almost felt like temptation: like something within me was trying and wanting to make that vow; like a split will, like it wanted to take a chance. I almost never take chances and I'm not usually foolish enough to do that; like no! And so it scares me because I feel like I have a split will now. I'll say no I don't want to do that, and I don't; but something within me is like Yes you do; the feelings are really really extremely strong when I have a lot of anxiety; sometimes I don't even know how much anxiety I have and then I'll get up from sitting haveing an anxiety attack and I'll realize how much anxiety I have.

But even when I have less anxiety sometimes I'll feel less interested in having children and not as against not having children. But then the next moment I'll really want to have children one day; I feel like OCD is numbing my desires or something and it scares me cause now I feel like all I have is my will which feels split or is secretly wanting to not have children or something or wanting to take chances. Like all I have now is my voice, and a kind of will? Like I say no you don't want that! and anxiety is there and it's just all so confusing. I just don't understand.

I guess ignore these feelings too? I can't even trust my desires or feelings or anything; this is what it felt like with my hocd and my violent thoughts; and now I'm having less of those. Even they are still there sometimes. I'm scared that I'm going to want to vow it or I that I am wanting take a random risk or that I am wanting to vow it. Do I secretly do or something? Like I don't want to because it's not reasonable at all, I need to plan for the future, I want (or used to want as OCD tells me) children, and I'm pretty sure that I will want to have children. Help!

I can relate to you on so many levels and have been through the exact same feelings that you have. First, I want to say that you are not alone and you can get through this with Christ. I know exactly how scary this can be, but God is greater than our feelings.

I will tell you my background information, only because I think it might help you. As I mentioned previously, I had dealt with a type of Harm OCD in the past without even knowing what it was. It would make me so upset and disgusted I would feel like I was going to throw up. Now, years later I am dealing with religious OCD which has been even worse than the previous kind. Regardless of the type of OCD it hit so hard in May that I was having constant panic attacks. Extreme panic attacks to the point where I lost weight, I couldn't eat. My main feelings were those of extreme guilt and fear, it was almost constant until about the end of June. Then I experienced an episode of depersonalization where I felt outside of my body and severe emotion numbing.

It seems as if you are experiencing emotion numbing to some degree. I understand that it makes you feel confused and upset. For me, it was like I still think the exact same way, but my emotions aren't connecting with my thoughts like they normally would. At some points I have felt like I am only quiet little voice in my head. It was like after such extreme panic, my body had enough, and turned the dimmer switch on my emotions. Does this seem similar to you?

One thing I have learned throughout all of this is that God is good and God is greater. I have had to come to the end of myself. I cannot make myself feel physical emotion, even though I know with all my heart that is what I truly want or believe. This is hard for someone who always felt emotions easily and strongly like I had. I know God will heal me in due time.

Through all this I know that I cannot rely on myself, but on the mercy of Christ. Even if I don't know myself, as long as I know the Lord that is enough. Cast all of your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. The key is to have FAITH through the storm.

Message me anytime!!

1 John 3:20
whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.

 

[Mari17]

Hi so this is really scaring me: I want to one day have children and Lord willing, will. But today has probably been one ord the worst days; I want to have children but I don't know if my brain is numbing me or something because it feels like I just don't care if I make a vow not to have children or something which scares me.

Also, feelings of wanting to take the vow or feelings that I have made a vow are really really strong and it's scary. Like haha today for the astros game, a thought came into my mind and I didn't even completely think it but the idea was this: If the Astros win the baseball game then I will not vow to not have children and if they lose then I will vow not to have children. I promptly said that even if they won or lost I'm not going to make that vow, Lord willing; and i said that many times but it almost felt like temptation: like something within me was trying and wanting to make that vow; like a split will, like it wanted to take a chance. I almost never take chances and I'm not usually foolish enough to do that; like no! And so it scares me because I feel like I have a split will now. I'll say no I don't want to do that, and I don't; but something within me is like Yes you do; the feelings are really really extremely strong when I have a lot of anxiety; sometimes I don't even know how much anxiety I have and then I'll get up from sitting haveing an anxiety attack and I'll realize how much anxiety I have.

But even when I have less anxiety sometimes I'll feel less interested in having children and not as against not having children. But then the next moment I'll really want to have children one day; I feel like OCD is numbing my desires or something and it scares me cause now I feel like all I have is my will which feels split or is secretly wanting to not have children or something or wanting to take chances. Like all I have now is my voice, and a kind of will? Like I say no you don't want that! and anxiety is there and it's just all so confusing. I just don't understand.

I guess ignore these feelings too? I can't even trust my desires or feelings or anything; this is what it felt like with my hocd and my violent thoughts; and now I'm having less of those. Even they are still there sometimes. I'm scared that I'm going to want to vow it or I that I am wanting take a random risk or that I am wanting to vow it. Do I secretly do or something? Like I don't want to because it's not reasonable at all, I need to plan for the future, I want (or used to want as OCD tells me) children, and I'm pretty sure that I will want to have children. Help!

Yes, "ignore these feelings too"!! OCD is a pro at making us confused, and making us think that some part of us wants something even if we actually don't. I can tell from your post that you know the truth ("I don't want to because it's not reasonable at all") but your mind is having a jolly good time trying to get you as muddled up as it can. I know it's hard to fight OCD when even figuring out which thoughts are obsessive is confusing. But we're usually not as confused as we think we are. We usually "know" on a deep level what our true, positive, healthy thoughts/desires are. We still have our common sense, it's just that OCD is trying so hard to bury it. Just keep doing your best to identify the OCD, and to treat as OCD anything that you think "might" be OCD. As you progress further out of this obsession, you will be able to see more and more clearly, and your mind will break out of the confusion and you will be able to see and know STRONGLY again (not very faintly, as you do know) what your real thoughts and desires are.