I really love God and I would never blaspheme the holy spirit but I'm scared I did it because I accidentally said it and then my false memory OCD comes and let me forget what i said and then I'm getting more scared because then I don't really know I which way I said it like accidentally, unknowingly or whit a meaning!
I understand it makes you scared, but it doesn't make it true. I was scared and worried and anxious and crying all of the times over these very same things, these same kinds of moments you describe. I cannot tell you exactly how or what I did to make my period of sickness end and begin to heal. Truly only by God's mercy in which He decided one day I had suffered enough from this. I really don't know.
But for whatever it's worth, I can identify with these time you describe. It is a vicious cycle. You think a bad thought, you get worried and scared in all sorts of ways, you search for answers on the Internet, something reassuring someone says might make you feel better for a small time and you are calmed, the next day/week/month your mind begins to dissect that one reassuring thing someone said to you or that you read on the Internet and try to rationalize the reassurance into not applying to yourself because subconsciously you are still so fearful (due perhaps to the impact of fearful teachings such as the traditional view of hell or double predestination or the unforgivable sin), and then your mind in its obsessive fear manages to think up a new bad thought that makes you feel condemned or at least worried about being condemned all over again (in your example going from "I hate the Holy Spirit" to "Jesus is a liar" to "
I am savior and not Christ"), and the cycle repeats. Shoot, sometimes during my period of sickness I even tried to rationalize that I was condemned and not a true believer simply on the hyper-Calvinistic thought that God had predestined me to never "truly" belong to Christ, that this tyrannical view of God might be true and He had determined to hate me all along from the moment I was born, or some other crazy thing like that. When motivated by fear of the traditional hell or God's abandonment or that He has always hated us and actively
predestines some people to be reprobate solely so that He can have an excuse to then condemn you (which of course I firmly believe is a very wrongful and malignant view of Him), believe me, your mind will think up all sorts of crazy reasons to get you to believe them, against your active will. It is a very hard time to endure, Kian, and believe me that you have my compassion in this, but unfortunately you may have to continue to live with it for a time. Hopefully the practical suggestions of myself and others in this thread might help give you some means to begin treating the problem and function better in daily life in spite of it, however, even if you cannot just make it totally make it disappear in one night.
A place on the Internet that might also help you is the website of Grantley Morris, someone who has lived with similar problems and seemingly suffered far more greatly from them than even you or I have. I do not remember the name of the site or the details contained therein well at all, actually, seeing as that was maybe seven years ago, but there's no doubt in my mind that Morris' bringing this to light on the Internet for all sufferers of this kind of ocd to see, is the merciful work of the Holy Spirit.
Scrupulosity: Salvation worry. Severe guilt.
