I don't want to live forever

[SingingTheBlues]

I believe in God.
I believe God is almighty.

I believe Jesus is the Word, He is with God and He is God. He willingly sacrificed His life on the Cross, being innocent and without sin, and died in payment of the sins of those who belive in Him. Covering our sin so that we can have a relationship with God through Him.

My faith journey has been a rocky road. It has been as imperfect as I am. This is nothing special.

I know that every good thing in my life has come from God. He has blessed me in so many ways, undeserved, in spite of my many failings.

But...

I have 2 problems. These problems are paramount. I will not bore you with the details but God has chosen to not address either. I want to believe He will address them if I am patient and prayerful but I am running out of steam. I can only conclude the answer on both is a resounding no. I do not hate God for this. God doesn't owe me anything.

I don't want to be like a spoiled child. I will continue to respect and worship God as He deserves, being God. Without Him my whole life would collapse. I cannot afford to risk that. But I don't want an eternity of this. So I will say thanks but no thanks. I do not believe in this. It would be better for me and for the universe if I did not exist. I don't expect my problems to be important to God but I thought He would know how important they are to me.

I realize that others have had a harder time han me but to be perfectly honest I do not feel responsible for their situations. I do not wish for anybody to struggle. I do not want to put myself ahead of anybody else.

You have probably heard of Maslows hierarchy of needs. I cannot grow in my faith with these barriers forever standing in my way. They have to be resolved so that I can move on rather than forever hopelessly obsessing with no real expectation of any hope.

Its a shame because I had interpreted some recent events, like being invited to play on a worship team as an invitation to the body.

I want to keep a positive outlook and hopeless hope is a personality flaw of mine, but I am tired and I am getting mixed signals. I want you, I dont want you.

All things belong to God, to value or destroy or to lift up or to ignore. It is all His. But He has given me self awareness and part of that is caring for my own self interests. I do not think that is blatent selfishness. I can care about the needs of others as well as care about things that matter most to me. To have my own hopes and wants for my own life.

If he would only gift me these two things I would gladly give everything else to Him but they are the very things He remains absolutely silent on. I dont even understand why they had to be an issue to begin with. Why give somebody a need that can never be filled?

I have prayed every day for as long as I can remember with silence being the only answer and to be perfectly honest that is an eternity I have no interest in. I have no interest in partaking in an eternity where my most important needs are forever denied or ignored or rejected.

Does God have a right to reject my prayers? Absolutely. He is God. Does God owe me anything? Absolutely not. I am grateful for every crumb that falls off His table. I could not survive without Him. Without His charity I could not survive and my life would crumble.

I am starting to believe it is time for me to realize if God had any interest at all in addressing my concerns He would have done so long ago and I have wasted a life time of prayers and emotional energy. If only I could move on from hope and just accept the futility of it all.

 

[GospelS]

Thanks for sharing. I believe God does want to fulfill our needs and it is His will in our hearts that we desire but we live in an imperfect world. So He is with us suffering alongside in our deepest needs.

 

[HARK!]

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[Sabertooth]

But I don't want an eternity of this.

I don't understand. Why do you think that the next life is going to be a continuation of this one?

Heaven is going to be all upside and no downside; perfect contentedness and no lack.

We have been on food stamps.
We have been in debt.
We have been bankrupt.
We are still on the poverty line, but God's seasoning, wisdom and resultant blessing have helped us to meet our expenses and get out of debt.

Even if we were still in debt, NOTHING would be worth sacrificing the hope of Heaven.

Where Else Can I Go...?

 

[ReuleauxMan]

I believe in God.
I believe God is almighty.

I believe Jesus is the Word, He is with God and He is God. He willingly sacrificed His life on the Cross, being innocent and without sin, and died in payment of the sins of those who belive in Him. Covering our sin so that we can have a relationship with God through Him.

My faith journey has been a rocky road. It has been as imperfect as I am. This is nothing special.

I know that every good thing in my life has come from God. He has blessed me in so many ways, undeserved, in spite of my many failings.

But...

I have 2 problems. These problems are paramount. I will not bore you with the details but God has chosen to not address either. I want to believe He will address them if I am patient and prayerful but I am running out of steam. I can only conclude the answer on both is a resounding no. I do not hate God for this. God doesn't owe me anything.

I don't want to be like a spoiled child. I will continue to respect and worship God as He deserves, being God. Without Him my whole life would collapse. I cannot afford to risk that. But I don't want an eternity of this. So I will say thanks but no thanks. I do not believe in this. It would be better for me and for the universe if I did not exist. I don't expect my problems to be important to God but I thought He would know how important they are to me.

I realize that others have had a harder time han me but to be perfectly honest I do not feel responsible for their situations. I do not wish for anybody to struggle. I do not want to put myself ahead of anybody else.

You have probably heard of Maslows hierarchy of needs. I cannot grow in my faith with these barriers forever standing in my way. They have to be resolved so that I can move on rather than forever hopelessly obsessing with no real expectation of any hope.

Its a shame because I had interpreted some recent events, like being invited to play on a worship team as an invitation to the body.

I want to keep a positive outlook and hopeless hope is a personality flaw of mine, but I am tired and I am getting mixed signals. I want you, I dont want you.

All things belong to God, to value or destroy or to lift up or to ignore. It is all His. But He has given me self awareness and part of that is caring for my own self interests. I do not think that is blatent selfishness. I can care about the needs of others as well as care about things that matter most to me. To have my own hopes and wants for my own life.

If he would only gift me these two things I would gladly give everything else to Him but they are the very things He remains absolutely silent on. I dont even understand why they had to be an issue to begin with. Why give somebody a need that can never be filled?

I have prayed every day for as long as I can remember with silence being the only answer and to be perfectly honest that is an eternity I have no interest in. I have no interest in partaking in an eternity where my most important needs are forever denied or ignored or rejected.

Does God have a right to reject my prayers? Absolutely. He is God. Does God owe me anything? Absolutely not. I am grateful for every crumb that falls off His table. I could not survive without Him. Without His charity I could not survive and my life would crumble.

I am starting to believe it is time for me to realize if God had any interest at all in addressing my concerns He would have done so long ago and I have wasted a life time of prayers and emotional energy. If only I could move on from hope and just accept the futility of it all.

Hi SingingTheBlues ! You seem to have been on this Earth for many years to feel that what you've needed will never come to you. I believe I can relate, though I am only 32 years old.

Since childhood I have coveted one thing above all else - intelligence - so that I could accomplish something great with a beautiful mind that would be a joy to have, and so that I would have been quick-witted and clever enough to stand up to the emotional abuse levied my way from bullies when I was growing up. At every turn, despite my striving and striving to increase or earn or pray for more intelligence, I have been denied, denied, denied. To make matters worse, after all that I did to earn and develop greater intelligence, I was smitten with schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia being especially damaging to my intelligence, and my mind became a hellhole of paranoid, depressed, or over-excited suffering instead of being a beauty and joy to have.

On multiple occasions I would bargain with God, thinking that if only He did that little thing for me, he would have me, and that if He would not allot me that, then I would have no faith and He could not have me. After all, I was already a good godly person and a saint - why not have Him do this one pleasure to me and I would do all the more for the world because of my capability. I did not want to go through life with average intelligence. To me, that was being just plain average, and I hated averageness more than anything else. I've even gone to the extreme of blaspheming God and His name over this, and so now I do not know if I have committed too much sin or even the unforgivable sin. Big mistake, because there's no one else to turn to or worship, and, I'm sure, God promises that I can trust in Him and won't be disappointed (such as facing an eternity of average intelligence or an eternity of suffering from not having what I wanted).

For me, this desire became a bitter root focused on the mantra, "God didn't give me what I wanted and gave me what I didn't want." This almost destroyed the me that God gave me who I cherished. I wanted to be more intelligent and not have a past of being emotionally abused, but I still loved myself and especially my capacity for kindness. I had plenty of redeeming qualities I liked about myself (especially some really great ideas that I am working to make into a book(s) ) that I didn't want to see go to waste, being destroyed by bitterness. I didn't want to sacrifice my relationship with God over this, after seeing the error of my ways that was leading me deeper into sin against God.

So, what's worked for me personally is being mortified by and repenting of the blasphemy I've thought and said against an all-good God from that bitter root that needed to be evicted from my heart, and finding fulfilling purpose regardless of what I think my intelligence level is now. In short, I've pushed out those negative thoughts and emotions to make room for positive feelings of gratitude that seem to be a natural fruit of the Spirit and a part of Christian life. I was quite surprised with both what a turn-around for my mental, emotional, and spiritual life it was and what sense of purpose and fulfillment I could be filled with when letting go of these life-long desires or hang-ups between God and I.

Prayers and God Bless sister/brother in Christ!

 

[SingingTheBlues]

I don't understand. Why do you think that the next life is going to be a continuation of this one?

Heaven is going to be all upside and no downside; perfect contentedness and no lack.

We have been on food stamps.
We have been in debt.
We have been bankrupt.
We are still on the poverty line, but God's seasoning, wisdom and resultant blessing have helped us to meet our expenses and get out of debt.

Even if we were still in debt, NOTHING would be worth sacrificing the hope of Heaven.

Where Else Can I Go...?

Because all things change but God never changes.

 

[Sabertooth]

Because all things change but God never changes.

But we aren't going to be impeded by bodies that are inclined to sin (and their consequences).
Minimally, it will be like being back in the Garden, but probably even better still.

Are you really going to have anything to complain about...?

 

[SingingTheBlues]

Hi SingingTheBlues ! You seem to have been on this Earth for many years to feel that what you've needed will never come to you. I believe I can relate, though I am only 32 years old.

Since childhood I have coveted one thing above all else - intelligence - so that I could accomplish something great with a beautiful mind that would be a joy to have, and so that I would have been quick-witted and clever enough to stand up to the emotional abuse levied my way from bullies when I was growing up. At every turn, despite my striving and striving to increase or earn or pray for more intelligence, I have been denied, denied, denied. To make matters worse, after all that I did to earn and develop greater intelligence, I was smitten with schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia being especially damaging to my intelligence, and my mind became a hellhole of paranoid, depressed, or over-excited suffering instead of being a beauty and joy to have.

On multiple occasions I would bargain with God, thinking that if only He did that little thing for me, he would have me, and that if He would not allot me that, then I would have no faith and He could not have me. After all, I was already a good godly person and a saint - why not have Him do this one pleasure to me and I would do all the more for the world because of my capability. I did not want to go through life with average intelligence. To me, that was being just plain average, and I hated averageness more than anything else. I've even gone to the extreme of blaspheming God and His name over this, and so now I do not know if I have committed too much sin or even the unforgivable sin. Big mistake, because there's no one else to turn to or worship, and, I'm sure, God promises that I can trust in Him and won't be disappointed (such as facing an eternity of average intelligence or an eternity of suffering from not having what I wanted).

For me, this desire became a bitter root focused on the mantra, "God didn't give me what I wanted and gave me what I didn't want." This almost destroyed the me that God gave me who I cherished. I wanted to be more intelligent and not have a past of being emotionally abused, but I still loved myself and especially my capacity for kindness. I had plenty of redeeming qualities I liked about myself (especially some really great ideas that I am working to make into a book(s) ) that I didn't want to see go to waste, being destroyed by bitterness. I didn't want to sacrifice my relationship with God over this, after seeing the error of my ways that was leading me deeper into sin against God.

So, what's worked for me personally is being mortified by and repenting of the blasphemy I've thought and said against an all-good God from that bitter root that needed to be evicted from my heart, and finding fulfilling purpose regardless of what I think my intelligence level is now. In short, I've pushed out those negative thoughts and emotions to make room for positive feelings of gratitude that seem to be a natural fruit of the Spirit and a part of Christian life. I was quite surprised with both what a turn-around for my mental, emotional, and spiritual life it was and what sense of purpose and fulfillment I could be filled with when letting go of these life-long desires or hang-ups between God and I.

Prayers and God Bless sister/brother in Christ!

Thank you reuleauxman for your testimony. I cannot even begin to understand what it's like to have Schizophrenia. It must be very difficult. I can tell you that I often suffer from foot in mouth disease. Sometimes I am too smart and sometimes I am too stupid and sometimes all in the same three minutes. I have asked God why he would allow me to stumble like that. Looking foolish is the thing I hate most in life. I don't want to be put on a pedistal. I just don't want to look like an idiot to others. I tell myself in jest that God is always finding new ways to keep me humble but it doesn't really make me feel any better. The point is I can understand, to some small degree, how you feel.

I wish I could say I had some words of wisdom to share with you in return but as you can tell I am not in the best position to be giving faith based advice right now.

Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in struggling with persistent personal issues.

 

[Sabertooth]

I just don't want to look like an idiot to others.

"For you see your calling, brethren, that

not many wise according to the flesh,
not many mighty,
not many noble, are called.​

But God has chosen the foolish things of the world

to put to shame the wise,*​

and God has chosen the weak things of the world

to put to shame the things which are mighty;​

and the base things of the world
and the things which are despised God has chosen,
and the things which are not,

to bring to nothing the things that are,​

that no flesh should glory in His presence." 1 Corinthians 1:26-29 NKJV

*My life verse...!

 

[returntosender]

This is an interesting post. I believe there's a long line behind you. I have your thoughts daily.
You are in my prayers, Singing the blues.
God bless you and I hope he makes his presence known to you in a way that you need.

 

[SingingTheBlues]

But we aren't going to be impeded by bodies that are inclined to sin (and their consequences).
Minimally, it will be like being back in the Garden, but probably even better still.

Are you really going to have anything to complain about...?

Of course God knows all of my thoughts but I want to state things carefully. I would like God to understand my frustration without turning His anger towards me.

Maybe it's just sour grapes but I am hurt by the fact that my concerns appear to be ignored. I can't know God's mind, maybe He has a plan but if He does He hasn't revealed it to me. Time is passing. It is literally running out.

I am going to say something that some may find shocking. While the idea of everlasting life sounds intriguing I can't even understand the basics around that concept and can't really plan for it. It's like being ten years old and knowing logically you will one day celebrate your 50th birthday, but are you ready to buy a cake with 50 candles? No, it's only conceptual at that point. That means I can only plan for and count on the time between now and the point of diminishing physical health and mental capacity due to age. And that time is finite and like any rare resource, it is highly valuable.

I appear to be perpetually stuck. I see it as being in prison although it is only a symbic one. I am crying out to be set free but either there is nobody there or they are not answering.

This is not to acuse God of ignoring my every need. He has been generous in many ways and I will forever be grateful for that generosity. Unfortunately everything else pales in importance to me in regards to these 2 problems.

 

[Unqualified]

I see your developing relationship with God, and a good one. That must be valuable to you. It’s really not about getting what you want. Loosen up your grip on those things, God is working and It takes time. Don’t be so rigid. God is blessing you and you don’t know how your going to be. These things could be a basis for your character that you might not want to be rid of in the future. Like shyness intro spection is better than extrospection.

further develop a friendship and relationship with God and don’t be so concerned with the world. Isn’t he better to you than 10 sons’. Let everything pale in comparison to you and Him and a new direction he may be taking you in...

 

[Bobber]

It would be better for me and for the universe if I did not exist.

Obviously God doesn't think so.

I don't expect my problems to be important to God but I thought He would know how important they are to me.

What do you mean you don't expect your problems aren't important to God? Everything Jesus said in his ministry revealed your problems ARE important to him. Did he not say he's easily touched by the feeling of your infirmities? Heb 4:15

Didn't he say he knows all the hairs of your head which means he must be focused on you every minute. Luke 12:7

Didn't he say he's a friend which stays closer than a brother? Prov 18:24

Didn't he say come unto me all you which labor and I'll give you rest? Matt 11:28

I am starting to believe it is time for me to realize if God had any interest at all in addressing my concerns He would have done so long ago and I have wasted a life time of prayers and emotional energy.

Of course Jesus has an interest in addressing concerns. And he's interested in making his prayer promises become a real thing in your life. Ask and you shall receive...seek and you will find, knock and things will be opened unto you. Matt 7: 7

Thing about your post and many from others like it is that we don't get to see just what a prayer life has meant to you. You give the impression that you've done your part but God never comes alive with real answers. But you see your statements go against what God said is his real disposition of being willing to be your God and helper....and one who helps in a very genuine way. You paint a picture of him being indifferent but it flies opposite of EVERYTHING Jesus said concerning the Creator's character.

 

[GospelS]

Because all things change but God never changes.

God allows some things to be in a certain way for now but in eternity He would put away all evil. He doesn't change but in eternity He wipes away all our tears by giving us all things as there won't be any evil to come and steal our blessing. For now, God wouldn't force His will on disobedient people, so for those who believe God gave us Himself through His only son to comfort us in our needs.

 

[Sabertooth]

While the idea of everlasting life sounds intriguing I can't even understand the basics around that concept and can't really plan for it. It's like being ten years old and knowing logically you will one day celebrate your 50th birthday, but are you ready to buy a cake with 50 candles? No, it's only conceptual at that point. That means I can only plan for and count on the time between now and the point of diminishing physical health and mental capacity due to age. And that time is finite and like any rare resource, it is highly valuable.

Nobody can. Just trust in His goodness.

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
Nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”

1 Corinthians 2:9 NKJV​

 

[Tolworth John]

have 2 problems. These problems are paramount. I will not bore you with the details but God has chosen to not address either. I want to believe He will address them if I am patient and prayerful but I am running out of steam. I can only conclude the answer on both is a resounding no. I do not hate God for this. God doesn't owe me anything.

If you really believed this you would be getting n with your life despite your problems.
That you are writing about it indicates you do not accept it.


May
I suggest that rather than complain about your problems you concentrate on seeking grace and strength to live with them and accept that offer to join the worship team.

 

[coffee4u]

I believe in God.
I believe God is almighty.

I believe Jesus is the Word, He is with God and He is God. He willingly sacrificed His life on the Cross, being innocent and without sin, and died in payment of the sins of those who belive in Him. Covering our sin so that we can have a relationship with God through Him.

My faith journey has been a rocky road. It has been as imperfect as I am. This is nothing special.

I know that every good thing in my life has come from God. He has blessed me in so many ways, undeserved, in spite of my many failings.

But...

I have 2 problems. These problems are paramount. I will not bore you with the details but God has chosen to not address either. I want to believe He will address them if I am patient and prayerful but I am running out of steam. I can only conclude the answer on both is a resounding no. I do not hate God for this. God doesn't owe me anything.

I don't want to be like a spoiled child. I will continue to respect and worship God as He deserves, being God. Without Him my whole life would collapse. I cannot afford to risk that. But I don't want an eternity of this. So I will say thanks but no thanks. I do not believe in this. It would be better for me and for the universe if I did not exist. I don't expect my problems to be important to God but I thought He would know how important they are to me.

I realize that others have had a harder time han me but to be perfectly honest I do not feel responsible for their situations. I do not wish for anybody to struggle. I do not want to put myself ahead of anybody else.

You have probably heard of Maslows hierarchy of needs. I cannot grow in my faith with these barriers forever standing in my way. They have to be resolved so that I can move on rather than forever hopelessly obsessing with no real expectation of any hope.

Its a shame because I had interpreted some recent events, like being invited to play on a worship team as an invitation to the body.

I want to keep a positive outlook and hopeless hope is a personality flaw of mine, but I am tired and I am getting mixed signals. I want you, I dont want you.

All things belong to God, to value or destroy or to lift up or to ignore. It is all His. But He has given me self awareness and part of that is caring for my own self interests. I do not think that is blatent selfishness. I can care about the needs of others as well as care about things that matter most to me. To have my own hopes and wants for my own life.

If he would only gift me these two things I would gladly give everything else to Him but they are the very things He remains absolutely silent on. I dont even understand why they had to be an issue to begin with. Why give somebody a need that can never be filled?

I have prayed every day for as long as I can remember with silence being the only answer and to be perfectly honest that is an eternity I have no interest in. I have no interest in partaking in an eternity where my most important needs are forever denied or ignored or rejected.

Does God have a right to reject my prayers? Absolutely. He is God. Does God owe me anything? Absolutely not. I am grateful for every crumb that falls off His table. I could not survive without Him. Without His charity I could not survive and my life would crumble.

I am starting to believe it is time for me to realize if God had any interest at all in addressing my concerns He would have done so long ago and I have wasted a life time of prayers and emotional energy. If only I could move on from hope and just accept the futility of it all.

Eternity isn't in this body or this world with its struggles and pains. It will be like nothing you have ever experienced.
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
You will want this eternity. You won't feel denied, ignored or rejected.

 

[returntosender]

If you really believed this you would be getting n with your life despite your problems.
That you are writing about it indicates you do not accept it.


May
I suggest that rather than complain about your problems you concentrate on seeking grace and strength to live with them and accept that offer to join the worship team.

Don't condemn him, you obviously have not been in his shoes. Either way you shouldn't condemn. God doesn't condemn so who are you to do that? If you had even a little bit of compassion you would know he is struggling for years of unanswered needs. Sometimes these Christians have the answers in their posts. Just a little bit of love and care.

 

[disciple Clint]

I believe in God.
I believe God is almighty.

I believe Jesus is the Word, He is with God and He is God. He willingly sacrificed His life on the Cross, being innocent and without sin, and died in payment of the sins of those who belive in Him. Covering our sin so that we can have a relationship with God through Him.

My faith journey has been a rocky road. It has been as imperfect as I am. This is nothing special.

I know that every good thing in my life has come from God. He has blessed me in so many ways, undeserved, in spite of my many failings.

But...

I have 2 problems. These problems are paramount. I will not bore you with the details but God has chosen to not address either. I want to believe He will address them if I am patient and prayerful but I am running out of steam. I can only conclude the answer on both is a resounding no. I do not hate God for this. God doesn't owe me anything.

I don't want to be like a spoiled child. I will continue to respect and worship God as He deserves, being God. Without Him my whole life would collapse. I cannot afford to risk that. But I don't want an eternity of this. So I will say thanks but no thanks. I do not believe in this. It would be better for me and for the universe if I did not exist. I don't expect my problems to be important to God but I thought He would know how important they are to me.

I realize that others have had a harder time han me but to be perfectly honest I do not feel responsible for their situations. I do not wish for anybody to struggle. I do not want to put myself ahead of anybody else.

You have probably heard of Maslows hierarchy of needs. I cannot grow in my faith with these barriers forever standing in my way. They have to be resolved so that I can move on rather than forever hopelessly obsessing with no real expectation of any hope.

Its a shame because I had interpreted some recent events, like being invited to play on a worship team as an invitation to the body.

I want to keep a positive outlook and hopeless hope is a personality flaw of mine, but I am tired and I am getting mixed signals. I want you, I dont want you.

All things belong to God, to value or destroy or to lift up or to ignore. It is all His. But He has given me self awareness and part of that is caring for my own self interests. I do not think that is blatent selfishness. I can care about the needs of others as well as care about things that matter most to me. To have my own hopes and wants for my own life.

If he would only gift me these two things I would gladly give everything else to Him but they are the very things He remains absolutely silent on. I dont even understand why they had to be an issue to begin with. Why give somebody a need that can never be filled?

I have prayed every day for as long as I can remember with silence being the only answer and to be perfectly honest that is an eternity I have no interest in. I have no interest in partaking in an eternity where my most important needs are forever denied or ignored or rejected.

Does God have a right to reject my prayers? Absolutely. He is God. Does God owe me anything? Absolutely not. I am grateful for every crumb that falls off His table. I could not survive without Him. Without His charity I could not survive and my life would crumble.

I am starting to believe it is time for me to realize if God had any interest at all in addressing my concerns He would have done so long ago and I have wasted a life time of prayers and emotional energy. If only I could move on from hope and just accept the futility of it all.

It would be better for me and for the universe if I did not exist.

I hope you know that this is not true. God have given you talents, He has a plan for you, it may not be the plan you are expecting but it will be the best plan and you will be very happy with it. Let God do things on His time schedule. Trust God, He loves you.

 

[Confused-by-christianity]

I believe in God.
I know that every good thing in my life has come from God. He has blessed me in so many ways, undeserved, in spite of my many failings.

I think I get this too. I don't feel He punishes me as I deserve. He gives me more than I'm grateful for.

I have 2 problems. These problems are paramount.

I think I feel this too. There is a hell I've been carrying for a long long time. I cannot escape it, nor can I put it down or avoid it. The outcome might end up destroying my life and I don't know how it's going to turn out.

But I don't want an eternity of this. So I will say thanks but no thanks.

"If eternity is like this - no thank you. I don't want that. I'm tired".
I've felt that way - Is it the same as what you're saying?

I do not wish for anybody to struggle.

I stumbled across "Brave New World" the TV Series. To me it showed one group (x) who had never ever experienced any struggle or suffering of any kind. Another group "y" who seemed to do nothing but struggle and feel beaten up on.
X, in a crisis behaved like toddlers. More and more you saw how X were like children. Immature, inexperienced, everything seemed meaningless and pointless to them. It really was a sorry sight watching fully grown adults - show no experience at all. They say calm seas don't make good sailors.
I found a strange sort of dignity in suffering.

The dignity I found had two premise;
1) Suffering has benefit. It can, after a healing period and reflection - and given time, lead to wisdom and maturity. A stoic courage. It can give you something like an athletes "quiet eye". A young child thinks their father is the biggest strongest man ever.
2) Suffering has purpose. My personal belief is that we are destined for something really really big and important in the afterlife. Really high level stuff. We will be relied on in some way. I think we will eventually grow into a high level spirit that has endurance, courage and experience. It's a sad sight on earth when you see a high level leader who has no real life experience. Never really suffered, never had pain or challenge or failure in their history. I avoid listening to those types.

I also found a comfort in suffering in the following ways;
1) From this moment to the end of eternity - the trend of my experience will get better and better. Any graph has ups and downs but the trend is up. So suffering has an end. Something I hope we all grow out of (grow bigger than) so to speak.
2) Sometimes, my faith helps me feel invigorated by suffering.
3) I hope to use my suffering to help others. One day, through suffering, I might be wise and well experienced - I hope I can use this to love others well. This benefits them, but, also, I have to live in the world I help create - so in a round about way - benefits me too.
4) God's will. I sit quietly for a few moments - and then, in my heart, I accept God's will, whatever it is - even if it's my worst fear - I accept it and consent to it. Even if it's only for 30 seconds - I can't do it all the time, but for 30 seconds I can surrender in my heart to whatever God's will is - even if it's my worst fear coming true. (I can always stop if it's too unpleasant).
5) Faith. By faith I don't mean what doctrine I believe. I mean my experience with God. I choose to have "faith" in God (even if I can only do it for a few seconds) - I choose to *trust* God. (Then promptly go back to not trusting Him and worrying about everything ;-) haha).

...but they are the very things He remains absolutely silent on.

Weirdly, I sometimes feel this as an act of God loving me. I can feel His silence. Weirdly I can feel is inner passion for me to succeed - like He is cheering me on on the inside, and has to stop Himself from helping me so that I can benefit from working this out on my own.

...I have prayed every day for as long as I can remember with silence being the only answer...

I remember this. I felt like this often. I rarely experience the silence now. I know the struggle and the rage of it. Something started to change in my faith a year or more ago. It was a time of horrible suffering and deep contemplation of my faith and what my faith was / is. It lasted years and years. The thing that caused the suffering is still there and could easily destroy everything, but I somehow came out of the darkness - despite the situation being the same - I feel like the silence is behind me for the foreseeable future at least.

If only I could move on from hope and just accept the futility of it all.

When you're in pain, 2 minutes feels like a lifetime. Joy, love, prosperity, hope warmth of our God and our Father - it all seems like an eternity away. It's not that far away though. You'll find the key and you'll never be the same again.

Note: If anything I say helps - take it. If not, ignore it. I hope it helps. If it's not applicable or I've misunderstood - take what you can and ignore the rest.